He didn't look relieved at all, he was struggling with the trouble he had caused her.
Lisbon knew, it was up to her to start a conversation, so she decided to walk towards him, she felt the sweat on her small hands.
"Listen, Jane. It's all fine. You didn't see it coming.", she almost whispered wondering whether he could hear her.
He looked up from the ground, took two steps back because he realized that he was standing so close to her he could feel her warm breath. Lisbon lowered her eyelids.
"Yes, it is my fault. As I told you years ago, everyone who gets close to me is in danger and-"
"I don't care. Stop pushing me away.", she screamed at him.
"If Red John kills me you can't do anything against it. So, just stop it. I can protect myself."
"Yeah, right. I saw that." She could see the pain in his eyes wondering where it came from.
"Jane, I understand, this brought awful memories back, I'm sorry about that."
"No, Lisbon you don't understand. You don't understand at all.", he bawled.
"What's going on Jane? We…we are partners." The words hurt, she felt like they would burn her tongue. He could probably see it but right now she didn't care.
"Yes, yes we are." He nodded.
He could immediately see her looking on her feet, she was about to leave, she could not stand it anymore. She swallowed her pain and continued her speech to focus on the problem.
"Then tell me, what your problem is because I'm seriously not getting it." She forced the words out of her mouth and he knew she wanted to talk about Red Johns allusions to their interest in each other.
"It's nothing, Lisbon. Everything is fine. I just need to calm down a bit. I was really terrified to lose you, partner." He tried to catch her sight but just saw her turn around and leave the attic. She was leaving, again. Maybe she was finally convinced by his lies.
He couldn't go after her, he couldn't tell her that he loved her, he had always loved her. He couldn't risk her life anymore. In the end he would lose the woman he loved. Again. His thoughts floated to Angela, she had been the woman of his life. Jane had wanted to grow old with her, it didn't work out. And it had been his fault. Maybe he couldn't change his past but he could have a great impact on his future, on Lisbon's future which meant to take care of her life. Red John crossed a line. This wouldn't happen a second –
He heard a hard smash and the cold metal door opened up again.
"You know, what, Jane. I'm tired of this comments others make about us. Lorelei did it, Sean Barlow did it and now even Red John, your enemy, the man you want to torture when you finally get him, even he said it. Tell me, why?" Lisbon's hands were shaking. He could see rage and fear; he could feel the strength she needed to bring this topic up.
"I'm not sure about that, I think they want to distract you because it affects you, obviously."
"What? It does not affect me."
"Then why are you here again? I thought the conversation we had a few minutes ago was over." Maybe being rude would help, Jane thought.
"I just wanted to sort things out, you know: face to face. Last time there was a door between us.", she added. Jane was getting nervous, he was a great liar. But he would not lie to her when she was standing in front of him with tears coming up slowly but constantly. She took a heavy breath and promised to herself that this was the last heavy breath she had to take because of Jane. When her eyes were moving upwards she could see he wasn't wearing his wedding ring but she ignored that slight little. She got distracted by Kansas' Dust in the wind playing while she put the letters together, formed the words she wanted to ask for such a long time.
"Jane, do you love me?"
No, he thought. Not No. I don't love you but No. Don't ask me that question.
He looked into her eyes.
Then, there was nothing but silence.
He grabbed her roughly, his hands wandered along her neck and forced her head in the right direction. He pressed his dry, longing lips against hers and moved his body so he could feel the warmth she was sending out.
He thought she would slap him in the face, but she didn't. She didn't participate in the kiss immediately. She was overwhelmed by the whole situation. He could feel it and stopped, released her while placing his forehead on hers. Lisbon's face was blurred, he must have started crying.
Then her eyelids rose.
"I'm so sorry, Lisbon" still sticking to the formalities.
She placed her hands on his bearded cheeks, he gave her hold by embracing her.
And then she kissed him.