Chapter 3 is here :)
Again, for this chapter we have a self harm warning! It is pretty much thoughout the whole chapter.
If any of you are wondering why I have Cissy cutting, it's because I feel that she always seems perfect to me and I wanted to show that no one is perfect and everyone had things they would rather hide. I'm sorry for any problems people have with this, but that is how I feel.
Chapter 3
- We Are Young -
I didn't sleep after that. I sat thinking about that one memory for hours, remembering every touch, remembering her scarlet red lips and her deep brown eyes. Even the little things like the way her hair bounced when she walked. I found myself smiling as I thought about her but thinking that my last kiss with her was the last bought me back to reality.
I finally stood up and, after the stinging pain in my thigh eased, I walked over to the window and pulled open the curtains to reveal a beautiful spring day. The morning sun glistened on the rain covered grass from the night before and a blackbird was teaching its chick how to fly. I watched them for a while. The mother would fly away, leaving the chick, and look back at the small bird to see if it had followed and then fly back when it had stayed in the same place. I smiled when it finally followed its mother and flew off in to the distance.
I turned and walked into my bathroom, deciding it was probably best if I got ready. I turned on the tap at the sink and watched the water pour for a second before leaning forward, cupping my hands under the stream and splashing my face with the cool water. I pulled off the towel I was still wearing and used it to wipe the water from my face. I dropped the towel to the floor and went back to my bedroom to get dressed.
When I walked into the kitchen, I was greeted by Lucius who presented me with a cup of tea. I took it from him and gave him a forced kiss on the cheek. "Good morning, darling." I whispered. He didn't reply, just gave me a sympathetic look and a small smile. I turned and placed the cup on the kitchen surface.
"Where did you sleep last night?" I asked, trying to take my mind off my sister for a moment.
"The spare room, I didn't want to disturb you."
I turned to face him again. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine." Just as I said the last two words, I could tell he knew I wasn't.
"If you ever need to talk, you know I'm here for you."
"I know." I looked up at him with teary eyes before he pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around my waist. I breathed into his chest as my eyes filled with tears.
I composed myself before pulling back from him. "I just have to go and do something, darling." I lifted myself up on my tip-toes and kissed his cheek once more before leaving the room and climbing the stairs to my room and shutting the door behind me. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Yesterday I loved my husband, at least I thought I did, but today I felt nothing for him. He was just another person who couldn't compare to my Bellatrix.
I sat on the end of my bed again and held my head in my hands. I felt a familiar stinging pain from my thigh. I pulled up my skirts and laid my hand lightly over the warm red cuts.
Looking at the red cuts on my pale skin bought back another memory, this time from when I was younger…
I always aspired to be like my older sister. I looked up to her. She was amazing at spells and always getting good grades in school. As well as being smart, she was beautiful. I used to look at her when she got ready in the morning before school and I would copy her every movement hoping one day that I could be as beautiful as her.
When I was 14 and Bellatrix was 18, this jealousy turned into self-hate. I would always feel like I could never get close to being as good or as beautiful as Bellatrix. I would look at her as she walked though the grounds with a group of boys and other friends dancing around her as I would sit alone. The worst thing was that no one seemed to notice, but I never really expected anyone to notice me anyway, not with Bellatrix Black as my sister.
One night, when Bellatrix was out, I sat alone in her room staring at myself in her vanity mirror. I couldn't see any part of me that resembled her. I thought about her beautiful dark brown curls and her soft features as I looked at myself. Suddenly I began to cry. Tears fell silently down my cheeks. I hated myself. Why can't I be her! I can't even compare to her! I held my fingers to the soft skin on my wrist and thought about her once more before I dug my red-painted nails in and scratched up the length of my forearm. As soon as I did this, I wanted more. I deserved the pain. I knew I did.
I stood up and rushed into Bella's bathroom and took her razor from the side of the sink. I looked at the shiny metal object in my hand while I pulled up my skirts. I lowered the razor to the pale skin of my thigh and slowly pressed down. I cried out as the razor cut my skin when I pulled it towards my inner thigh. I wanted more, so I cut again and again until there were seven deep cuts. I fell to the floor and sat as I watched the red liquid drip on the tiles.
I don't know how long I had been sat there. Time didn't occur to me until I heard the door in the other room shut. My heart stopped and I sat still, listening. Through the closed door of the bathroom I heard Bellatrix humming a tune as she moved around her room. Suddenly the door swung open and I watched Bellatrix as she noticed me sat, razor in hand and blood dripping onto the floor. She stood still, not moving, just looking at me.
I knew I had to say something, but I couldn't think, all I could do was watch her expression change from surprise to sadness.
"Cissy…" She finally uttered.
"I'm sorry Bella. I…" Tears began filling my eyes again and I looked down at what I had done to myself. I heard Bellatrix shut the door and then footsteps came towards me. She sat down next to me and put her arms around my shaking body. We sat, not talking, not even whispering for what seemed like hours. I cried as she held me.
When Bellatrix finally spoke she startled me though her voice was soft and low. "I will always be here for you, Cissy. You know that. Whatever you're going though, I'll stand by you."
I nodded as I leant back and wiped at my tear stained face. "I-I love y-you, Bella." I uttered slowly, taking sharp breaths between words. Bellatrix took me in her arms once more before pushing herself up from the floor and turning to her bath. She turned the tap and let the water run before holding her hand under the water to test the temperature. I got up and took a sharp breath when sudden pain hit me. Bella turned quickly to me and helped me stand. "Come one, Cissy. We better get you cleaned up"
Bellatrix helped me get undressed, carefully taking off my clothes. She helped me into the bath but before I sat down she told me that it was going to sting. I sat down slowly with the help of her and as the warm water covered my cuts I let out a yelp of pain but I fought though the stinging and sat down. Bella slowly washed the dried blood from my leg and then cleaned my cuts. Her hands left me and I opened my eyes to see her holding a towel under the tap at the sink. She then proceeded to clear the floor of my blood.
She didn't leave me for the rest of the night. We talked for hours. It was like we were young again. That night made me remember all the times we had stayed up talking. When Bellatrix turned 14, we never talked like we used to. She always used to make excuses for why she couldn't talk to me anymore, but that night something changed. I told her how lonely I was at school and how I would watch her with her friends and wonder what was wrong with me. I explained why I hurt myself and when she asked if I wanted her to use a spell to heal it I said no because I felt like I deserved the pain.
After that night, I was never lonely again.
A.N. Please don't hate me for this. But another small warning, it's only going to get worse. I already know how I'm ending this beauty, and I really hope I don't get hate for it. I have had this idea for a while, especially then ending. But it should be a few more chapters before I get to that! - twice-as-drunk x