Thank you for the encouragement for the first chapter. I am attempting to make at least some sense of S10, and I'm enjoying writing the first person here.
Harry
It's been a long day. But they're all long days at the moment. I rue the day I ever set foot in Berlin and met bloody Elena Gavrik. She's single-handedly removed me of the two women I've loved most in my life. Well, single-handedly maybe isn't fair. I just wish she'd crawl back into her hole and leave me, Ruth and London alone.
I've lost her now. Ruth. She's leaving the grid for the Home Office and I can't blame her. She deserves to have the kind of career that she can't get if she stays where she is on the grid. She deserves more, so much more than I can give her, in so many ways. She asked me if I wanted her to stay on the grid. If I'm being selfish, I would have asked her to stay with me, I would have told her that her presence is the only thing that makes the day bearable. That even with the mess the Gavrik's have created, seeing her is the bright point of my day. I miss the way she used to barge into my office without knocking. She always knocks now, and I miss the days when she just came straight in without warning. I miss her smile. I miss how she used to look at me. Now she's hurt by me and disappointed by my actions, I can tell every time she looks at me. Maybe it'll be easier if I don't have to see her every day.
The thought of not seeing her face every time I look up from my desk has me downing the whisky I've already poured. Even worse, to look up at her replacement who'll never do the job as well as Ruth did. God, that would be worse. Will be, I remind myself as I pour another measure of whisky before sitting in my armchair heavily. I feel bone tired, and I just want to close my eyes and hope it all looks better in the morning, though I know it won't. And I'll have a restless nights sleep anyway. I can't remember the last time I truly slept through the entire night.
I think the thing I miss most is her trust. I never quite realised how much I valued the way she trusted me, and I her until it had gone. I assumed it would always be there, between our working selves if nothing more. Now I know that she no longer trusts my judgement with the Gavrik's back in my life. And what's worse is that I can't blame her. If a past lover of hers reappeared in her life, I wouldn't like it. No, actually, I'd be insanely jealous. Maybe she's jealous of Elena, though there's nothing going on there. The thought gives me some hope, because if Ruth is jealous, there may be a chance for us yet.
The doorbell rings and I know it's Ruth before the echo of the ring dies away. I just know it's her. No one else would come calling this late at night. I open the door and I'm proved right. My breath catches in my throat at how beautiful she is. Her hair is slightly wind blown and her eyes are bright. The only light is coming from the house and one street light, but she still looks gorgeous.
"I wasn't expecting you," I say, then wish I'd said something better than that.
"I know," she said. "Can I come in?"
I step aside and let her into my house, wondering what she wants and why she's here this late. I feel a sense of foreboding and hope it's misplaced. I don't have the energy or the heart for an argument with her tonight. We settle in the kitchen and she takes her coat off, biting her lip for a moment before looking at me. She's changed clothes since I saw her at work, now in jeans and a loose T shirt. I haven't seen her this casual in a long time. I can't quite read the look in her eyes, but she's twitching slightly which means she's nervous about being here.
"A drink?" I ask to break the silence.
"Yes," she says. "Red wine?" I'm surprised but I don't comment as I pour two glasses, thinking I'll join her. I have a feeling that I'll need it, though mixing whisky and wine might not be the best judgement I've ever had.
"What do I owe the pleasure of your company to?" I ask.
She looks directly in my eyes for a moment before focusing on her glass instead. "I need you to promise me something before I start to talk, Harry," she said. "I need you to promise that you're going to be honest with me tonight, no matter what the truth is. I can't bear any more lies and… I just need your word."
"Okay," I say, feeling like I now needed the alcohol. "I'll be honest with you." Then I wait for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. Ruth always seems to be capable of that.
More soon, though it might have to wait until after the weekend. Thanks for reading and especially those who have the chance to review.