For those of you who have been wondering the title translates roughly to: To Love like My Mothers.
Ai jiu xiang wo de muqin Pt.2
Yee-Li sat on her bed staring at her closed door and back to the window. The dim and mild light that came did not warm nor provide the comfort she unknowingly was seeking. Voices spoke that were not her own they were spun into a lackadaisical melody from a round speaker housed in a wooden box its brow a half-lit screen of numbers with two knobs for eyes the radio looked spooked by the tune it played. Yee-Li had set it to her favorite station. Slow, dreamy, happy the soft spoken words took a back seat to the rhythm. Unfortunately, the words were the only thing Yee-Li could concentrate on. How the man and woman's voices played off each other. Feed one another. It both infuriated and depressed the teen at the same time while bringing up many feelings that hit home.
The tips of her feet pressed into the carpet hands kneading a faded brown thing in her lap. The cotton inside its body had become lumpy. Fused together from the abuse sustained by taking the outpour of emotions a young child put into cuddling a stuffed animal to stop the sadness that comes oftentimes with life.
"Xiu doesn't know about you Shu. No one knows about you." Yee-Li spoke quietly under the music. She wondered if that was mean of her. After all, my mother's know everything about one another. They share everything. Yet, I share more of my day with mommy than her. That was cruel especially, since Xiu was supposed to be her...girlfriend.
Her hold on the stuffed toy tightened till a pointed yet misshapen snout popped up to stare at her. Yee-Li looked at the one eye Shu had, as she hadn't found a suitable replacement and with him being without it for so long she had grown comfortable to keep him as is. Sans eye. Now the cut on his stomach was a different story it happened when when she pulled to hard while trying to fish him out from under a pile of junk in her closet. She couldn't have him leaking. No, Yee-Li took good care of her things unlike her mommy who wore the same clothes, used the same pillow, and undesirably, the same toothbrush till the objects literal wore away to nothing. The pillow was yellowing inside its pillowcase. New clothes had been bought by momma who secretly put them in the dresser and threw out the old ones without telling her. Taking it a step further Lin had waited till garbage day to do it so Korra had no chance of fishing them out. As for the toothbrush and this made Yee-Li cringe, as an awful jolt went up her spine, she always made sure that their toothbrushes were far apart. Mommy doesn't rinse very thoroughly as she always told me to do. Or was that momma? Yes, it was probably her. Seems like something she would say anyway.
The tear along Shus belly had been repaired by a steady and elegant hand. The stitching was tight and precise and the selection of the thread used matched the color of the fabric on the stuffed animals belly spot on. Yee-Li always went to Aunt Asami for help with everything she was sure her mother's would not know how to do. But Aunt Asami was good with mechanics. Rigid forms, not stuffed animals. However, Aunt Pema was well versed in sewing and the woman thankfully never questioned why a fourteen year old needed a stuffed animal fixed.
A single piece of string hung from the empty space that used to be Shus eye. Yee-Li played with it. Attempting to twist the short strand around her finger of which it only managed to curve around the bottom of. Pinching the strand she rolled it between her fingers. There had been a time when Yee-Li had been tempted to remove the string to make Shu look less worn. Now she was glad because playing with it brought some comfort. It brought character to the toy for sure and made it distinctly hers.
Xiu wasn't unique.
Yee-Li set her friend on the bed then got up and went to the bureau. Wood whiter than a snow storm in republic city which could be quite messy and the snow always became discolored after lying upon the filthy streets for a while. A large mirror for which she could use to help apply make-up in the morning Yee-Li looked at her skinny self, at her uniform. Xiu wore the same uniform. Her hair was shoulder length the same brown as many of the other girls. Earrings the size of a grain of sand nothing flashy. No other accessories that would give her any sort of distinction. Nothing made her stand out. They had only met when they had been partnered up in history class. Yee-Lis eyes grew on her face. Ah, that's right she's really good at history. She likes to ramble about that stuff. That was the only class they had together. Not even their lunches crossed. Nor did they take the same bus home. Only that class and the few minutes they talked while they waited at the stop in front of the school. That was all the time they had to form even a loose friendship and soon after for Xiu to tell her about the feelings that had somehow bloomed during that short period or had they been there before while Yee-Li unknowingly sat in class did Xiu harbor such fantasies about wanting to confess to her?
From her mommas stories they hadn't known each other all that well either. Momma had said she hadn't even liked mommy when they first met. Yet over time and through many hardships, love bloomed. So maybe it was going to be the same for Yee-Li too. On a deeper level it was nice to have someone besides her family who showed interest in her.
Yee-Li took off her headband. Her hair fell and she pushed some off her shoulder. Setting the headband down on her bureau Yee-Li went through her drawers. It grew darker earlier in republic city during these winter months. Yee-Li looked to the window to gage how it might be this night. The clouds looked heavy and ready to bear white fruit. So it was a better choice to go with the heavy flannel. The shirt was blue and the pants green. She considered the pink set but...they probably wouldn't have been as warm like the flannel would not that she didn't think it thoughtful of Xiu to get her a present for avatar day. Mommy said I should get her something. Good thing because she wasn't expecting to receive a gift in exchange. They're a little loose, Yee-Li reasoned. It wasn't like Xiu knew her size.
Yee-Li had gotten Xiu a nice hairpin, though the girl never wore them before. A small faux red ruby flower small and as unnoticeable as Xiu, Yee-Li thought it complimented the girl nicely. Xiu always had it on whenever they were together. And it was unreasonable to wear ill fitting pajamas on a cold night.
. . .
The latches were unwilling to bend as they did not want to come off. Lin's armor was stubbornly clinging to her body. She chipped her finger nails trying to pry it; the blood pooled into the crevices and left smudges that would have to be taken care of later. For now she was only trying to get the armor off so she might not at least look like a brut in front of her daughter.
"Damn." Lin said as her finger tips slid off again. They throbbed, tingled and twitched spontaneously. "Get off me." Lin growled lowly flicking her hands outward attempting to pull the armor off with bending the plates vibrated and clicked and rattled yet soon settled; still attached. Lin sunk into a deep stance to help her concentration and put more power into it. Hands balled into fists she punched them towards the open dresser doors.
The armor quaked against her body as if to mock. Lin did not like to be made fun of. "Why are you doing this?" Lin asked the room. Tapping her bloodied finger tips against the breast of her uniform which, she didn't have a right to call it that anymore it wasn't a metal bending police uniform without a badge. She tapped the spot again were the insignia used to be. Always reminded her of a bull with its head down ready to fight, ready to deal out justice now the badge lay in the dresser with the winged boar atop it wrapped in cloth and placed within a small black box for safekeeping. Sometimes, when Korra went to the market, Lin would take it out for a polish to keep it shiny.
That's right, without a badge you are just a hunk of steel. Sorry then. Lin twisted her fingers and the latches that held the armor in place snapped. Metal clinked on the floor as she pulled the vest over her head. Yet she took care to hang it and collect all the pieces that fell. Drawing them with her bending and setting them inside the dresser. The old oak doors gave a somber clunk when Lin shut them. A fade in the grain the exact slant in which the light used to hit it in her old apartment was barely visible now. Or could she even see it at all. Was Lin only imagining it?
Looking out the windows Lin saw that the clouds were ready. She had on a white tank top that had become discolored around the arm pits. Bottom half covered in dry earth and flaked with each step taken.
Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump
Was the sound made by the metal soles of her boots on the wooden floor starting at the sole of her foot and ending with her toes it was certainly an elegant and practiced stride that made Lin look distinguished in front of others.
. . .
She was not shocked when the knob to her door began to turn. Nor when she saw it was her momma who came in and shut the door behind her. The woman never had the curtsey to knock the disregard for personal space annoyed the teen greatly.
Yee-Li hid Shu behind her back and folded her hands over her lap. Averting her gaze to the floor at her momma's feet where one of the woman's boots tapped the ground as she leaned back on the door. The wood groaning and bending a hairs bit under the weight of the woman. Of course she wouldn't be happy to see me, Lin mussed before getting off the door. The first sound of a boot pushing on the floor boards drew her daughter's attention.
Without looking up the teen asked timidly as a way to divert the conversation right from the start, "Are you here-for the radio?"
"No," Lin said as she started towards the bed, "I'm here to talk to you." Easing her sore body onto the mattress, Lin paused a moment, taking care not to get dirt on her daughter's bed for she knew how the kid liked to keep a clean room. Would of done well in boot camp at the metal bending academy. But that wasn't possible. Also not the least bit important as to what was happening at the moment. "Besides," Lin decided to dance around first, "there isn't a match on till Friday. You should know. Heck, your mommy keeps reminding us at every meal. Won't stop counting down the days till the rematch." The woman grimaced as she rested a hand on her knee.
A light giggle raised Lin's spirits.
"Yeah mom won't let you forget that loss, will she? Do you think the Boulders are going to beat the Wolf Bats this time?"
Lin touched a crooked finger to her lips in thought, pondering her team's chances of victory. The conclusion was an obvious one, "No," she said in all honesty, "I don't think they have a rat's chance at beating them. There outmatched. Plus the Boulders are using an alternate since their water bender got injured and he's a bit green for the pro's still...but don't tell your mommy I said that."
Yee-Li didn't understand a lick of what her momma was talking as far as what was going on with the team but shook her head in agreement anyway. Not into pro-bending Yee-Li spent those nights when the games were on upstairs in her room. Yet she could hear every point scored or lost as if she were in the very same room as her parents.
Sighing at the futility of there being any other outcome to the forthcoming match Lin reached out, lifting her rear off the bed, stretching towards the bureau taking great care when scooping up the headband. There came a dim flash across her eyes that caught the woman's attention. She tipped the headband back and forth watching the weak beam of light reflected dance across the ceiling. Lin circled it around the light. It hit the round darkened glass and the light bounced weakly around inside. A faint glow like a weakened spirit had been trapped inside. They would certainly make a good nightlight, thought Lin before she looked down and noticed the fingerprint.
As Lin pulled on a corner of her tank top to use to polish the headband Yee-Li made a dismayed face wiggling her nose at the smell of metal and earth that wafted off her momma. She wanted to spray the woman down with perfume. Bath her. Then rinse again with another perfume because she knew her momma wasn't too good at scrubbing herself. The grade for effort might of been a low C; C plus if Lin was getting ready for a gala it was the prep work Yee-Li did to get her parent ready for such an event that made Lin look good. Who helped her before her daughter was a perplexing mystery to the teen.
Working the fabric of a corner of her shirt that didn't have sweat stains against the coldness of the headband Lin buffed out the blemishes. The wrinkles in her eyes had grown. Not that it mattered but she had to say she was aging better than her mother had; and at least she hadn't lost any height neither. You were turning into a wrinkled prune, Lin jested in her head as she finished and held the headband up to see in the diming light outside the window. Pristine and clean Lin saw her daughter in it. A golden hue to her skin cute now with those long braids that mirrored her wife from younger days, given enough experience Lin was sure her daughter would be more beautiful than Asami. If she keeps showing her all her tricks she will. This kid can make Korra look good for a gala. But in Lin's opinion Korra looked better out of make-up her natural brown skin looked horrible with an attempted blush applied and Lin liked her wife's lashes, thin and almost unnoticeable, over thickened ones which Lin felt drew attention from her pretty eyes.
When finished Lin set the headband back on the bureau it looked more mature as an accessory without those puffy balls of fur as she was sure her daughter wouldn't have liked something so childish looking. It wasn't like mother cared if something was fashionable or not but she had been quite attached to that headband.
The air grew still, stale, a lapse in the conversation was beginning to stretch on too long and was growing uncomfortable for the both of them. Yee-Li played with her braids pulling them this way and that to get them to sit right; Lin hadn't a clue as to what was the right way a braid could fall Korra looked good no matter if she were chocking on one. Her daughters head sunk into her shoulders when Lin batted her hand out of the way. Catching the end of the puce braid she did not torment the teen by giving it a pull as she usually did instead Lin simply fussed till it laid straight over her ear then her hand crept to her forehead were it tucked in a few small strands that had dong out of place. That same spot she leaned in and kissed. Then pulled out what her daughter had hidden behind her back and laid Shu in Yee-Li's lap the teen's hands wrapped around it, instinctually seeking the lumpy warmth and comfort that the stuffed toy could still provide even to someone of her age. She is such a strong girl. More so than me. Lin rested her elbows on her knees as she leaned forward the bed creaking with the motion. I was a whiny thing. Always went to mother for every problem. Spirits, Lin looked at Yee-Li who stared back at the woman who had raised her from a young child whose fate had been left up to the spirits to decide. Those golden brown eyes glowed hotly with a touch of moisture. She's so tuff. You do a Beifong proud. Mother would of loved you...
"Squirt?" But your still young and inexperienced and foolishly blind to your own faults.
The Teen responded by tilting her ear close to listen while she kept her eyes on the stuffed badgermole playing with an ear that flapped about in her fingers its stuffing mixed somewhere inside its face a limp happenstance caused by her ministrations on that particular appendage over the years. Reluctant to respond because her momma's even tone meant that whatever was to be discussed was not going to be fun unlike the time Lin had surprised her daughter by whisking her to the tallest building in republic city on a crisp summer day. The sun on their backs had been thrilling high above the city and the lunch they had up there was pleasant too; though she had lost it on the way back down. They had the time to themselves because Korra had gone away to visit the earth kingdom which was having trouble...again. That was all that her mommy would tell a then twelve year old Yee-Li. Hushed whispers and touches of reassurance had been exchanged behind the Childs back between her mother's before Korra had departed to stop another bout of unrest that had arisen in one of the earth kingdom states. But for Yee-Li who was unaware, those times had been fun. Her momma and she would go out to eat and visit Uncle Tenzin and Pema often.
"This...thing with Xiu. Your relationship with her..."
"She's my girl-friend." The words caught in her throat. They came off the tongue and left an unpleasant aftertaste. Such a declarative statement made Yee-Lis cheeks burn, painfully. As what had happened when Xiu had given her a chaste kiss on them in thanks for her Avatar Day present, this had been their first real affectionate display to one another. Yee-Li found the feeling it left on her skin was colder than winters touch had been that day and went straight to her heart. Yet to her, young love was supposed to be that kind of awkward feeling; at first, given time it should get better. But Yee-Li wasn't ready for another kiss anytime soon. She'd seen her mother's exchange such affection and each time they both seemed to glow happily. Yee-Lis first hadn't been like that at all but maybe that was how their first time had been too. Maybe one just needed to get used to those kinds of things when starting a relationship.
"I know. I know..." Lin, frustrated, sighed while combing a hand through her hair. As she drew back her thumb it brushed against the scars that ran up from her jaw, "but the way your hearts beating right now when you called her your girlfriend..."
At the accusation Yee-Li started with a shout, "Mom!-how can you say that about us." Hands tightened around the small faux fur body mashing the stuffing inside till Shus head and backside swelled to comical proportions.
"I wasn't-I didn't-Yee-Li I didn't mean..." Lin felt an invisible punch to the gut one of pure emotion fueled by the hurt her daughter expressed with a simple shade of red lip stick pursed in a frown. Heart clenching as her daughter hid her face by pretending to brush a braid back gave the older woman pause as she finally saw where she was, a teen's room. Pale pink painted walls with a bigger bed for her longer legs and a bushel of pillows that served no purpose other than to look nice. There room had two pillows and were used for sleeping not...decoration. This room wasn't windowless it had in fact two and one was near the head of Yee-Lis bed which Lin sometimes caught her daughter looking out. No this room with its lovely white bureau filled with nice clothes. No ham-e-downs, it wasn't like Yee-Li would ever want to wear Lin's ratty old clothes. Korras were too big around the hips. That's right this was not an interrogation she was talking to her own daughter not a criminal however could she misconstrued such a thing.
Rough hands shielded her face as Lin gathered herself. "Yee-Li." The woman said lips muffled underneath her palm which smelled like Korras dirty laundry. A wondrous smell to Lin who took a whiff to instill courage in herself the kind that her wife always possessed the kind she never had for times when family problems arose. "For the first half of my life," this gave the teen a pause of curiosity as it was odd to consider there being something before her own arrival into the woman's life, "I was in love." Old memories never far behind. Sunset walks. Nights spent on the pagoda in an embrace. Oh Tenzin, what a fool I had been, how could I not of noticed you were drifting away from me.
"With who?" The sudden question startled the woman. When Lin blinked the memories vanished when confronted by the present, with how things had turned out.
Yee-Li asked again, "With who were you in love. It wasn't mom? So-who?"
"Not the point," Lin waved the question off with a hand, "thinking back anyway...if I was to be honest it was probably for all the wrong reasons maybe more so a matter of convenience because he was the only one close to me." A shy smile crept onto Lins lips. Pushing them up slightly, "no, that's stupid, I shouldn't say that. I loved him. He-just fell out of love with me."
"Him?" Now Yee-Li was interested in whom this man was that made her mother show such a timid face.
The question was pushed aside again and was frustrating the young teen for she wanted to know who her mother had been in love with before her mommy. "Then for all the wrong reasons, maybe the right ones really," taking that cute yet sharp chin in her hand Lin turned her daughters face sideways. Cheeks prominent and hollow in the low light while outside the clouds started to burst and snow fell gently upon republic city. Her wife loved the snow. Lin...She couldn't stand it because of how difficult it made for her men to move around. They aren't my men anymore. She had to remind herself. They haven't been for some time not since you came into my life. You're a good enough reason. A calloused thumb grazed smooth skin. Wow! You've grown so much. Become so lady-like. All those years after him had been worth it in the end but she wouldn't keep the whole truth about what that time alone had done, "I've spent a good chunk of my life after that alone. So very alone." And she was sure her daughter could see the truth in her eyes.
A delicate hand that had never had a tough days work inflicted upon it rested atop Lins, "I like having someone who cares about me mom. She makes me feel wanted. Cared about-besides you two. I want to love her. I want her to love me too. I just want to love someone." Like how you two love each other.
Lin laid her other hand on the other side of her daughter head. Squeezed a bit hoping maybe she could squeeze the worry away. "Then you're only lying to yourself and worst of all...your lying to her more than anything. Please don't do that to her Yee-Li." Her pleading came from a once wounded heart; its hole repaired after all those years of bitter loneliness by the love of her wife and daughter.
A painted lip trembled, "She'll hate me. I-i-i-i don't want her to hate me for this."
Brushing at the moisture that had begun to escape her daughter's eyes along with a hiccup Lin sighed. This was the part where she was going to have to be a little insensitive. "Tough," the teen's knee jerk reaction was to recoil hands flying for the badgermole in her lap. Lin stomped a boot on the floor. A small ant hills worth of dirt drizzled out of the cracks, "she's going to hate you either way. There is no way around it." Her eyes had sunken somewhat as the anger of betrayal that had once been; burned dry of tears with only the feeling of remorse remaining, "she probably won't talk to you again. At least she can't bend. Can she?" There was relief to be had at that when her daughter shook her head no. That's good. At least we won't need to rebuild something after the fall out. Air Temple Island did look better when the remodel was done.
Desolated by the truth that she would probably lose Xiu as anything was...Yee-Li felt her body begin to shut down limbs numbing her eyes losing focus the tears marking a chilly path down her cheeks. Mouth drying and her tongue sticking to the roof, she found it impossible to talk. The teen suddenly brushed her momma aside bumping her shins into the woman's side as she fell on her collection of pillows. A small bolster pillow soaked up the tears as she clutched it tight; both firm and cold it felt in her hands.
There gazes met. Yee-Li looking up as Lin watched her over her shoulder. The teen turned about to face the window. She noticed the snow purifying the city's streets. It made her feel empty. Lonely. Watching the snowfall was giving her second thoughts, bad thoughts that maybe this could work out. Maybe she and Xiu could make it. Her heart picked up again, if only a tiny bit. She could prove her momma wrong, that she did care about the other teen that if she stuck with it she might fall for Xiu like her mothers had fallen for one another. These thoughts of hope lasted only until she felt the bed sink and something hard knock the back of her knees. Pushing into it she felt the metal shin guards of her momma's uniform. Her mommas hand tickled her ear as she snuck it under her braid so she could rub her cheek soothingly with her thumb. Back and forth. Back and forth. Lin repeated the motion even when a few straying fingers felt a tremble. They reached out for the edge of her lips and found them twisted unable to make up their mind on which way to feel.
"You know I'm probably getting your sheets dirty." For a moment Lin could feel a smile flicker yet disappear thereafter.
The teen scooted herself closer to her momma, if only to feel comfort, at least that's what she told herself to justify the action. She was sixteen and shouldn't seek out these kind of things, she wasn't a child anymore, and should learn to hold herself up. But her momma was there, and it might ease some of her own apprehension..."Mom?"
Lin responded by nudging her forehead against the back of her daughters head.
"Was it worth it? All that time-alone." Yee-Li swallowed thickly.
Lin pinched her daughter's cheek. The teens groan transformed into a weepy giggle when Lin began to tickle her with kisses from behind. The answer had been blown out of her daughters mind. She could still feel the erratic beat of Yee-Lis heart through every tiny bit of contact but it was starting to even out. So Lin stilled her attempts at cheering up her daughter and the mother and daughter lay together until Yee-Li fell asleep.
Slipping out of the bed Lin pulled the covers out from under her daughter. The teen had always been a sound sleeper from an early age. It was hard getting the bolster out of her grip as she was hugging it for all she could and when Lin managed to take the pillow her daughter's hands flailed about groping for something else to cling too. Lin couldn't help but smile as she watched her daughter look like a helpless newborn flying bison. Restless, until she found what she was looking for. Shus misshapen face was cradled against a slender neck its one eye watched Lin walk to the door. The woman stopped with her hand on the handle. She looked at the lump beneath the covers. Maroon hair spilling out from a colorful quilt. Thick and fur lined her mother-in-law knew how to make a warm blanket. White waves that looked like salt water on a shoreline washed across the blanket. In some way Lin hoped they would wash away any lingering bad feelings. She knew there were bound to be more to come.
Lin inhaled deeply and let it wander out her lungs. Had it been worth it, being alone all that time; rethinking about the question her daughter had asked. I have you don't I, Lin thought as the door shut quietly behind her.