A/N: This one was a tough one to write, but needed to be done. I'm really proud of it and hope it gives insight into who Oliver was before the island –in this story– and the kind of man he is now. As always, thank you for the support to this story, and hope you like it!

EVERYONE'S WAITING

I know all the lines to say

The part I'm expected to play

But in the reflection I am worlds away

When everyone's waiting

It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying

Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

It had been an excruciating week.

Arguing with Diggle, fighting with himself over his mother's innocence; replaying that damn recording over and over again. There was something going on, something bigger than him, than the notebook.

Upon his return he believed his father's list was it, his own personal crusade he had to see through. He didn't expect it to get this complicated, to be questioning whether his father's demise and his hellish experience in the island due to the shipwreck had been anything more than an accident.

He didn't think it would be this hard to pretend to be that same man that sailed away back then, that devoted son and public's punching bag; and he certainly didn't expect to need her this much.

Oliver had been keeping an eye on her since she had let on how much she knew about Walter's notebook and the danger it entailed. Part of it was for her safety, but there was more to it, something that kept him going back to her again and again.

It was a little over a week when she called him up rattled, having heard rumors over the web that Walter had been confirmed dead and they were planning a funeral, something he promptly denied, assuring her it wasn't over. Though that had calmed her considerably she was still shaken so he had offered to go to her.

She had refused awfully fast, that being a line she wasn't ready to cross yet. The memories of them in her apartment still fresh in mind, even the one night where it all ended. Still he couldn't let her be alone, not tonight. He needed her as much as she needed him, even if neither were willing to say it.

"Then I'll send a car for you"

"I'd rather not"

"It's ok, my mother isn't home" he cringed at his words "That didn't sound right. I meant we would be alone". Nope, that wasn't better. "Just come over, please… I need to talk to you, in person".

Felicity sighed into the phone, giving in.

A half hour later he opened the door and let her in, silently leading them to the room where they had reunited a few months before.

It dawned on her that they'd never directly talked about anything from before, not even acknowledging what had transpired between them; still it was clear by the awkwardness of their first meeting and the distance she kept between them that neither had forgotten about it.

In all honesty he had wanted to approach the topic quite a few times, while she worked some IT magic for him, but had always ended up swallowing his words. A simple apology wouldn't do, he was sure that even after all these time she hadn't forgiven him. But she had been civil and they had eased into a friendship of sorts, in which much was left unsaid.

Yet he ached for more. Even if he couldn't possibly be the man she deserved now he needed to at least make it right; the image she had of him was one of his past mistakes he desperately wanted to correct.

Felicity wandered into the room, curious eyes taking in the wooden panels until she stopped by the large window overlooking the yard.

"It is unreal this is your home" she whispered, making him wonder even if she was addressing him or simply talking out loud, another trait of hers he found endearing.

"Sometimes it doesn't feel like it either… not anymore" he replied honestly. She turned around to face him where he stood against the threshold. The irony not lost in her as this setting mirrored their first encounter after he went away, only this time she suppressed the urge to run for the door.

Walter. That was why she was here.

"Do you have any new leads on him?" Though it had been weeks she didn't sound hopeless like his mother, only a hint of fear lacing her words. It seemed his words from earlier had appeased her worries.

"Not yet" he admitted, much to his dislike. "But I'm looking into… something". Arguing with Diggle whether or not his mother was involved had to count for something, though he was still reluctant to believe she was in on this, whatever this was.

"Is it about your mother?" she asked softly. Oliver turned to her, eyes locking for the first time since he had let her in. He held her gaze, letting her question hang in the air, silently giving her the answer.

Given what she had confided in him the week prior, she knew enough secrets about Moira to doubt her innocence. Oliver was taken by how easily she seemed to read him, thankful but terrified at the same time. There was so much darkness in him now that he never wanted her to discover.

"I'm afraid it might be"

She pondered his words, taking in the tired lines on his face and his slumped posture. This surely wasn't easy on him.

"I could help. Maybe dig in some more, see what I can find. It may be easier coming from me than having to go through it alone" she offered and saw a light smile form in his handsome face.

Still he remembered all too well the pile of casualties that list had brought on, and the threat in his mother's voice when she advised everyone stopped asking questions. No, he definitely didn't want Felicity anywhere near that or anything that could make her a target.

"I'd rather not. It isn't… safe" he muttered, restraining himself of disclosing more. Yet Felicity wasn't one to back down.

"Walter isn't safe and he's my friend. And you… you almost got killed twice already and that was after you survived being a cast away for five years." There was an edge on her voice, fear starting to creep in, he thought, but she looked angrier than anything else. "No one is truly safe, Oliver. Walter is not the first victim of this… thing, and I'm sure he won't be the last. So if there is anything I can do to help, please let me."

She was dead serious, in a way that only compared to Diggle, his right hand, and himself. She wanted in, even though she didn't exactly know what she was talking herself into. After all she was an honorary member of their team already, but he hoped that being on the outside would keep her safe.

It didn't seem fair to him to storm back into her life after this long and throw her into his crusade, asking her to put her life in the line for a man she hardly knew; because the Oliver of back then had been shredded long ago, through death, pain and the brutal fight for survival.

Though she was far from weak, Felicity didn't deserve the pressure and hardship that came with this life he had chosen upon his return. Yet there she was, asking to be let in, to a part of his life hardly anyone knew. Seeing her determination made him wonder if she already knew about his secret identity, his weak excuses and knowledge of the notebook having tipped his hand. She wouldn't go to the police, that much he was sure of, but would she look at him the same way?

Staring at her from across the room he realized it couldn't get that much worse. Though not hatred, he could see the distance in her eyes, in the way she crossed her arms against her chest, as if raising a wall between them. Where once she had been open and inviting to him now she was guarded, and he really couldn't blame her.

She needed to know who he really was, who he had been back then. That was the only way she could ever trust him again, with herself, her thoughts, with her life.

"Do you remember what I last said to you?" he asked after what felt like forever.

"What?" she was taken aback, his deviation of the conversation not going unnoticed.

"When I went away, on the yatch. Not that night at your place, but the next morning. I called you… do you remember?" he paused for a beat, taking in her reaction as she gave a slight nod. She remembered it all too well.

"You know back then I used to say lots of things I didn't mean. Honesty wasn't really one of my strengths." She snickered; it still wasn't. "But that phone call… I meant every word I said. There is so much you didn't know, so much I wanted to tell you".

"Oliver, don't… you don't have to", she interjected.

"Except I do. All this time, on the island and since I've been back… I've pictured telling you everything a thousand times." He started walking, eyes everywhere but on her.

"I wasn't that guy you met at the bar, or the one you read on the papers. I was a poster child to my parents who were fighting to make me the son they wanted. I was a role model for little Thea, who didn't know how clueless I was. I was a boy who just didn't know who he wanted to be or do with his life, but was coward enough to let people push him around as they pleased." Felicity listened carefully, terrified of what was to come but anxious all the same; getting honest answers out of Oliver was a rare exception.

"Granted, I failed miserably at all of those. Dealing with responsibility wasn't my thing; back then I preferred alcohol much more". He chuckled to himself, surely replaying a reckless night of debauchery with Tommy, before he turned serious again. "I didn't want to be a Queen with everything it entailed; I would've much preferred having my trust fund without the weight of the name. That's why I didn't tell you who I was that night", he paused, eyes meeting hers for the first time since his speech had begun.

"And Laurel… she was one of my best friends, had been for a long time. I really don't know why she ever wanted to date me 'cause I was… me, relationships weren't my forte either. But she did and it was great at first. Over time, with her going to college and me away at mine it started to be too much. She wanted more and I didn't know how to deal with that. I cheated, taking the easy way out, but she took me back every time."

He took a deep breath, eyes now lost in the distance, looking through the window behind her. "I didn't deserve her, but she was safe, everything I knew, so I stuck with it. It wasn't much of a relationship but my parents were happy, and so was her, most of the time. We've been dating for years and my dad wanted me start working at the company to 'clean up my act' he said. Mom bought an engagement ring and gave me an ultimatum. I'd marry Laurel, start my career with my dad or I'd be cut off. I wondered if she knew…" he trailed off, now questioning whether the plan to take out his father had already been in motion and getting him ready to take over was just another play in his mother's chess game.

Shaking that thought away before anger overtook him, Oliver turned to her, studying the play of light on her delicate features. Blue eyes trained on him, Felicity remained silent, urging him to go on.

"I took the deal and proposed. Laurel knew what it was, an agreement, settling for a steady life of something good. I loved her, not like she deserved, but I thought that eventually I would when I became the man I was supposed to be. I thought that would be enough… until I met you."

Her breath caught in her throat, the intensity of his stare too much to handle. Thankfully he looked away first as she tried to take in everything he was saying.

"That night started as many others but, unlike before, I couldn't let you go. You were… different. I felt different with you, safe. Maybe it was the secrecy at first, but I could be myself with you. I was too selfish to do away with what we had because of Laurel, and too scared to be honest with you. I wanted to but had the tendency of screwing up. So I waited, escaping the inevitable." He went silent for a second and she noticed his clenched jaw, guilt ridden over his past.

"That's when I found out" she breathed.

His eyes shot to her, taking in her hesitant stance, scared she would make a run for it but knowing this had to be done.

"Yes." Holding her gaze he went on. "After I left your house that night I felt like hell. I had been happy for the first time in… longer I can remember. As selfish as that was, I couldn't bear to lose you. I wasn't brave enough to fight for you but… god, how I wanted to."

He ran a hand through his hair, approaching the time of his life he never wanted to look back on.

"Next I know my father is dragging me to this oversea trip. Laurel wanted to come along and I saw my chance." He paused again, struggling with his words, worried lines appearing on his forehead. "We were only a day into the trip at night when it happened. I told her the truth, about us, about how I really felt. She was hurt but took it in and was ready to move on, like many times before. But I couldn't this time; I wanted something else bad enough to fight her and my parents for it" blue eyes met, his voice dropping.

"We were yelling, not really caring about the storm going on outside. Next I know the yatch shook, we're tossed to the ground and Laurel… she's thrown from the room and I'm underwater." Silence overtook the room as his voice broke, dark memories washing over him.

"My father brought me afloat after a while. They'd made it to the life raft. I tried to look for her but she was… gone." Tears traveled down her cheeks at his words. Oliver looked at the ground, guilt taking over him. Now the weight she saw him carrying around made sense.

A few seconds passed before he pulled himself together and looked up at her again. "That's the last time I saw her." Angling himself to her he took a step forward. "Felicity… I know this doesn't make it right, that I hurt you. I'm sorry for that, I truly am. I just needed you to know I meant it; you deserved to know the truth".

She swallowed a lump in her throat and nodded numbly, unsure of what to do with this new information. She couldn't fathom what he went through, but somehow that didn't erase the pain she had felt. Before she could form a coherent thought he went on.

"I asked you to wait for me and I don't expect that you have. But know that I never forgot; not about us or what I said that day. And now everything seems to be falling apart and I wanted… I needed you to know that even then, when I was lost and hadn't got a clue of who I was, I knew I cared for you. And, in the island…" he paused; it wasn't lost to her how he winced just at the thought of his time away. "I realized the man I wanted to be; someone good enough for someone like you". His blue eyes pierced hers as her mouth hanged open, speechless.

"Ok" she mumbled. For someone with a knack for words she couldn't come up with anything better, still processing all this new information.

"Ok" he echoed, eyes locked on hers.

Silence stretched on for what seemed like ages but still not enough time for either of them to figure out what to do when the sound of the front door slamming shut filled the room.

"Man I get that you're still not used to being back, but staying home on a Saturday night? That's lame even for a cast away."

Tommy stopped by the doorsill at the scene before him. Oliver and Felicity stood too close for comfort, tension thick in the air.

"I guess I should've called first…"

Felicity shocked herself from the haze from Oliver's eyes and took a step back. Mumbling a hurried goodbye she stormed away, throwing a last look at him from over her shoulder.

Oliver slumped back against the wall at the sound of the door closing behind her.

Tommy studied him from afar before carefully approaching him, letting out a whistle.

"So this is what you meant by staying home… I approve". Tommy smiled, satisfied at Oliver's chuckle. It took a lot more than before to make him lighten up.

"It's not what you think"

"Really? Cause it looked like you were in some serious eye sex competition before I walked in".

"Tommy" Oliver cut him off, a warning in his tone. Still a smile played at his lips, glad his best friend's humor remained the same.

"Okay. I will drop this, for now. But someday you will have to tell me what's with you and this girl, Oliver. And move along, cause someone who looks like that won't stay single forever." At Oliver's threatening look he knew that was a touchy subject "Just saying…"

"Don't."

"Ok. But don't get mad when you hear 'I told you so'".

Oliver vowed to make sure that never happened.