so here's Ali's pov on the kiss! next chapter is coming up soon :)

It gets harder and harder to resist rolling my eyes whenever Mona talks. She's getting on my last nerve, and I just can't. I sigh and try to tune into the conversation that Noel is basically having with himself. Eric is too captivated with his appearance in a handheld mirror to be paying attention, and Cece and Mona are just drooling over him.

I seriously don't see what everyone sees in Noel. I think he's so gross. He's cute, but not like to die for. I'm the only one who doesn't seem to be under the spell of his charm.

I tap my fingernails on the table and breathe deeply a few times to calm myself down. My eyes twitch as Mona emits a high-pitched laugh that sounds more like a baby bird dying than anything.

Maybe I'm just bitter because these bitches forgot my birthday again. It's seriously not that hard. It's October 5. That's it. There's nothing difficult about it. Besides, I remember all of their birthdays. No matter how many times I tell myself leading up to those days that I'm going to pretend forget them, I always break down on the very last day and decide against it.

I roll my eyes and look around the library.

It doesn't take long for my vision to settle in on Emily. She's sitting at a table a couple ahead of me and diagonally to my right. I smile to myself a little when I see her burst out laughing at something Spencer just said.

I wish I could have Emily's friends. Not like specifically them, but people like them. People who know everything about you and don't judge. They know your strengths, of course, but also your weaknesses. It wouldn't matter if you were scared of the dark, or that you snore louder than a troll, or that the only reason you passed Spanish wasn't because of a lucky scrunchie, it was because you gave Professor Montoya a lapdance after the final (A/N: I tried so hard, but I couldn't resist putting that Legally Blonde reference in there).

Bottom line is, they know your deepest secrets and still care about you. The only person in my life who has ever been like that was my grandma. I always knew that the way I was really supposed to act was the way she did; I was right in looking up to her. All of the other people in my life have always been toxic, even my parents. They raised me with a specific credo: to be the best and eliminate the rest. Somehow when they were trying to shove that idea down my throat, I never took my eye off of the bigger picture. I knew there was more to life than just getting what you wanted and putting other people down; my grandma was proof of that.

One of the things that scared me the most after my grandma passed away was that I wouldn't have anyone to look to as a role model. What if I actually did succumb to the pressures around me? What if I did become a bad person? I mean, I know I pretend to be, but that's honestly not me.

The real me is when I'm with Emily. There's something about her that I just connect with. I knew from the moment I saw her outside of the Great Hall. But there was so much pressure on me to be sorted into the 'right house,' so I brushed her off.

The truth is, I think I'm supposed to be a Gryffindor. I had a conversation with the Sorting Hat before he was ever put on my head; it happened when he was just sitting lifelessly on the stool. I guess I would call it more of a prayer; I prayed that he would put me into Slytherin. My parents would kill me if I ended up anywhere else. I just kept repeating it over and over again in my mind. When it was my turn to get sorted, he screamed out "Slytherin" as soon as he made contact with my hair, but he said something different in my mind.

"You'd be more at home with crimson and gold."

So, I mean, the obvious assumption for me is to think Gryffindor, but I might just be reading too much into it. In fact, he may not have even said that to me; I could've just been making it up.

But why would I do that?

Oh, that's right. Because I relate so much more to Emily and Hanna than I ever could to Mona and Cece. I see them laughing all of the time, but I never have to worry if it's about me. I'm always on my toes around Mona and Cece; I never know what they're going to do or when they might want to overthrow the Queen Bee. I don't think that's true friendship.

I don't think I'd ever have to worry about that with Emily, though. I feel like she would treat me like an equal and wouldn't try to sabotage my life or my happiness, which is what we've all been raised to do.

I sigh and close my books. Hanging out with these 'friends' is starting to get old. Mona keeps trying to impress me, but honestly it's just super annoying. We have nothing in common, and yet she keeps trying. She tries to be even crueler, and that just makes me feel worse about myself: that in order to impress me, she has to tear other people down in a harsher way than before. What does that say about me?

I can't be here anymore. I don't want to deal with this; I need to just go down to my spot by the lake and think. I take my time putting my books and papers into my backpack; I don't want to reveal how I'm actually feeling to them. They wouldn't understand; they'd just make fun of me.

I sling my backpack over my shoulder and rest my hands on the back of my chair.

"Where are you going?" Noel looks over at me.

"The bathroom," I answer quickly. I clear my throat, "And then probably back to the common room."

"Do you want company?" Cece asks me, furrowing her eyebrows a little.

"Nah, I'm good," I assure them. I give them a small smile and salute to them. At ease, troops.

I push my chair in and sniffle a little bit, wiping my nose. I move around the table to head towards the exit and I don't know how much longer I can hold these tears in. I didn't even know I was about to cry until I heard Cece's voice.

"Alison!" Emily calls from my right as I'm about to walk out the door. I turn to face her just in time to see her clap her hand over her mouth, her face turning bright red. Her friends all stare at her, clearly confused.

I don't think I can deal with this right now. It would only lead to me breaking down and probably doing something stupid.

I sigh, slowly this time, and give her a ghost of a smile. I nod my head and leave before she can say anything else. Biting down on my lip, I exit the library and look around frantically. I know that she's going to be looking for me soon, but I can't handle this right now. I just can't.

I spy the bathroom to my left a little ways away and just take off sprinting to it, ramming my shoulder into the door to open it. There're a few girls in there; I glare at them, indicating that they need to leave immediately. They scuttle out like ants.

The only sound in the bathroom is the faucet dripping from one of the many sinks. I approach the circle of sinks, all bordering a large pillar. The mirror reveals to me a broken, conflicted girl. I try to smile to my reflection, but it just makes me feel worse. I just look like someone dropped a bowling ball on my toes.

I hang my head and grip the sides of the sink until my knuckles turn white. I don't know how much longer I can handle this internal battle. I feel one of my knuckles crack from the strain of grasping the sink.

"A-Alison," someone says from behind me, causing me to jump. I hadn't even heard the door open. I whirl around to face the voice and immediately relax, seeing that it's just Emily. I may end up doing something stupid anyways, but it flatters me that she left her friends to come look for me to make sure I'm okay. That may be one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

I try to ignore the pounding in my heart as I turn around to face the mirror again.

"You scared me," I say, which surprises me. The voice doesn't even sound like my own; if I hadn't seen my lips moving in the mirror, I wouldn't have believed that it was me talking. I glance up at her through the mirror because I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to look at her straight on. My fingers dance along the faucet knobs so that my hands are busy.

"S-sorry," she stammers. I try to fight back a smile because she's so obviously nervous.

But that's stupid, Alison. She's not nervous for that reason, she's just nervous because you guys are good friends and she doesn't want to upset you. You're a girl, she's a girl. She probably wouldn't even think about the possibility of us being together… like that. I swallow; it'll just be a girl crush for right now.

I take a deep breath and try to inhale some courage before turning around and facing her. I lean against the sink, which digs into my butt bone a little, and rest my hands behind me on either side of my hips.

"Are you okay?" she asks me. I can still hear the nerves in her tone. "You don't look too happy for someone who's celebrating their birthday."

I grimace. So it is true; someone I just met this year knows me better than the people I've known my entire life. I clench my jaw and try to settle my anger. It's not Emily that I'm mad at.

It's not even Cece and Mona I'm mad at. It's my freaking parents. They pushed me into living this fake life. If it wasn't for them, I could be an openly good person instead of a total bitch.

"I was just—" she starts to say, but I accidentally speak at the same time.

"I'm surprised you remembered," I admit. I finally meet her eyes and all of the anger in me starts to dissolve. I don't understand what it is about her. She looks a little taken aback at my change in attitude, which makes me feel like it was unwanted. I decide to add bitterly, "Everyone else forgot—again."

"Your friends?" she asks, taking a few steps towards me. I get more nervous with every inch that closes the gap between us.

Honestly I wish it was just my friends, but my family forgot too.

I shrug, trying to play off the fact that I'm actually disappointed. "Among others."

"Your boyfriend?"

I narrow my eyes. What kind of question is that?

"No," is all I can think to say. I probably just sounded so weird; I barely recognized my own voice.

I try to ignore the thoughts flitting around in my mind that she asked because she didn't want me to have one; that she asked because she's interested.

The next thought that screams in my mind is that she probably thinks I'm the most selfish person ever. I need to figure out a way to explain to her that it's not the physical gifts that I'm upset about, it's the premise that I'm not important enough to the people close to me.

I take a deep breath and dive right in. "It's not what it seems like, though. I'm not disappointed because I'm not getting presents or whatever. I'm just kinda bummed because it makes me realize that… that the people I thought were my friends aren't. That everything I've been raised to become—every standard, every stereotype, every moral—has all been a lie. If I'm not even important enough for them to remember my birthday, then clearly I'm not that important to them."

I grimace because I know I've just opened the floodgates. I'm about to break down completely, and I'm trusting a girl that I met a couple months ago to put the pieces back together like some kind of stupid jigsaw puzzle. I can feel tears prickling in my eyes, but I try to ignore them.

"And I mean, I wouldn't care if this was the first time!" I continue, unable to stop myself. "But this is the third year in a row that Cece and Mona have 'forgotten.' I freaking reminded them on Monday. And my parents are just psycho and have their own issues, so I'm not too surprised that they forgot for the fifth year in a row. My grandma was always the only one who always remembered my birthday. I didn't even care that she got me anything; the fact that she remembered was enough."

"October 5th," she says quietly. "I didn't forget. And I won't forget. I promise."

"Emily," I whisper. I bite my lip and think deeply about what's happening right now. I think that she's flirting with me, but I can't be too sure. It might just be hopefulness. She stands there, not moving, waiting for me to speak again. I open my mouth a few times but no sound comes out.

"I, uh, I got you something," she finally speaks, breaking the silence. A small smile wiggles its way onto her face and she starts to rummage through her backpack. I feel my heart rate picking up with every second that ticks by.

"Emily," I say, my voice soft, "you didn't have to do that."

Because she didn't. In fact, I kind of feel guilty that she did. I watch her carefully as she withdraws a long, slender box from her bag. She jumps up and holds the box out for me, and I can't help but smile. Her face is bright pink and she looks like she's holding her breath.

"Aw, you wrapped it and everything," I smile and put one of my hands on my heart. That's so thoughtful.

I don't even pretend to be polite as I rip the wrapping paper off and toss it behind me.

The hand that was on my heart earlier shoots up to cover my mouth. I try to say something, but the mere sight of this quill makes me breathless. If I thought the fact that she wrapped it was thoughtful, I don't know what that makes the actual gift.

"This," I shake my head, mouth still covered, "is the most beautiful quill I've ever seen."

And it is. It's a phoenix feather, bright with all of the colors of the rainbow and then some, mixed together in a perfect blend.

"I just figured, you know," Emily says so quietly that I have to lean a little closer to hear, "since you have a diary and you seem like you like writing…"

"Emily," I glance up at her. I don't even know what to say, no one has ever thought this much about a present for me. Except my grandma, but that was a different situation entirely. I beam and continue, "This is so perfect. Oh my gosh, thank you!"

I don't know what comes over me, but I need to do it.

I move forward to wrap my arms around her neck for a hug and "accidentally" lock lips with her. It's an awkward collision, but I can literally feel the sparks shooting off from her lips to mine. I very subtly move my lips against her; it feels so natural.

I don't want it to end. It can't end. My breath hitches in my throat and it takes all of my power not to deepen the kiss or push her against the wall or door; I don't want to freak her out.

Reluctantly, I pull away. My arms remain around her neck, leaving my fingers to comb through her soft, dark hair. They twirl the hair a little and linger at the ends.

I haven't stopped looking at her lips. I don't want to see what her entire facial expression is. What if she's horrified?

Before I can continue that train of thought, she leans forward and kisses me again. All of the blood rushes to my face and my heart goes into overdrive. Within moments, I pull away first again because I don't think I could handle her ending a kiss.

I clear my throat and unlatch my grip around her, taking a step back to casually smooth down my already perfect uniform. The box with the quill in it brushes lightly against my side. My eyes flicker up and meet hers, and I smile a little. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but I lost my voice.

She stares at me with a deer in headlights look, which makes me inwardly laugh. She blinks quickly a few times and furrows her eyebrows, but remains silent.

My mind finally thinks of something to say, and I raise my hand up to make a point, but I realize that my lips aren't moving. I'm just holding my hand out randomly. Trying to play it off, I ball it up into a fist and cover my mouth with my knuckles. She didn't notice that, right?

I've never felt this way about anyone before. But that begs the question, now what? What do I say? I can't be like, 'Oh, hey, thanks for letting me kiss you. By the way I really like you. Wanna go out?'

I shake the thoughts from my head and clear my throat awkwardly. I probably should just play this off, right? Ideas of what I can say race through my mind, but none stick except one.

Emily watches me expectantly, unconsciously increasing the pressure that's already beating down all around me.

I raise my hand up for a high five. She stares at me incredulously for a few moments, and I don't blame her. What the hell am I doing?

Snap out of it, Alison. She watches my hand for a few more moments before high fiving me, and I use that opportunity to close my fingers around hers. Just touching her sends electricity through my body.

"I wanted to tell you," I find myself saying, "that you have v-very soft lips. I, uh, bye."

What?

My eyes widen in horror. Who says that? I bite my lip and give her hand a small squeeze before dropping mine lifelessly by my side. I move past her quickly, hoping that she doesn't notice how much I'm blushing.

Oh my god, what the hell just happened?

The bathroom door closes behind me and I shiver. I can't believe that just happened. I lean against the wall and play back the scene in my head.

I don't know what I was thinking when I kissed her.

Well I do, but I want to know what part of my mind agreed to let me do something that ridiculous. I knew that I was going to probably do something stupid, but not that stupid. She probably thinks I'm such a freak!

And then I told her she had "soft lips." Who the hell says that? To top off everything—because the situation wasn't awkward enough already—I high-five her… High. Five. What is wrong with me? Why was that the only thing I could think of? I smack my forehead.

Oh my god, what has happened to me? I used to be so put together, but something about this damn girl just unravels me. Maybe it's just because I've never been able to be my complete self around anyone? Who knows. I guess my complete self likes Emily. A lot.

I take a deep breath until my lungs feel like they're about to burst. With a quick huff, I hurry off. I don't even know where I'm going, as long as I'm not here anymore. I don't think I can look at Emily again for a while.

lolz a little bit of a twist there with the fact that it wasn't an accident ;)

hope you guys enjoyed! lemme know what you think!