A/N: Finally, my first Doctor Who fic! Although this one features the Eleventh Doctor, it is hard to keep the Tenth out of my mind while writing him. Ten is really my Doctor, but I couldn't use him here as River is heavily featured.

This is a parody fic, so don't get irritated by the sheer ridiculousness please.

This story contains SPOILERS for Series 6 of Doctor Who. It takes place around the same period of the Night and the Doctor (NOT 'Night of the Doctor') miniseries. Hope you enjoy it!

The TARDIS engines vworped gently as the blue box began to materialize in the prison cell. The Doctor frowned, and reached across the console and tugged at a lever, turning the parking brake off. Much as he loved that sound, alerting the guards really wouldn't do much good. Not that it mattered much anyway, he thought as he strolled down the steps towards the door. River had broken out of here hundreds of times... or was it dozens few times at this point? He paused to look at the date on a nearby monitor. Hundreds it was then.

He paused at the door, ran his hands through his hair, straightened out his new purple bow tie, and turned the handle.
The Doctor frowned. The cell was empty.

River Song was getting impatient. The Doctor had told her exactly when he would pick her up, and what with the tightened security and smaller cell she had recently been given, it would be just her luck if the TARDIS decided to land a decade too late. Just as she considered going back inside the facility, the gates burst open and through them came that wonderful blue box, spinning wildly as it flew through the air, finally touching down a few feet before her. The door opened and the Doctor stepped out, grinning madly. "Hello River. Hope I'm not late."

"Hello sweetie. You may want to step back inside, those guards don't look very happy."

Sure enough, two angry guards bearing weapons were running towards them, while a third was sitting down staring straight at a spoon in his hand, with an intense stare and a lipstick smudge on his face. The Doctor pulled River into the TARDIS and closed the door behind them.

"Why weren't you waiting outside the gate? Last time you told me that I had agreed to that the time before," River said with a trace of irritation in her voice.

"Well, it would appear that this time is the time before, and your last time still hasn't happened for me. River, I propose we should meet outside the gate from now on as opposed to your cell."

"Oh, certainly if you insist sweetie," River replied with a smug smile.

"Well, now that you're here we should probably start on the... on the thing I had planned." The Doctor said happily.

"And what sort of thing have you got planned for tonight?"

"Something different, something very different. Let's just say that an extremely rare trans universal portal is open for the first time in millennia, making dimensional travel that much easier, giving us the unique opportunity to a bit of spring cleaning, so to speak."

"Spring cleaning...of the entire Universe?"

"Oh River...the Universe is just the beginning. No, we're talking the entire Multiverse."

The Doctor was rooting through a storage panel on the TARDIS console while explaining his idea to River.

"Basically, think of the multiverse as a very large neighborhood with millions of of houses, and in every single one there is something absolutely different going on, except...actually this metaphor is rather good and I'm going to stick with it."

River rolled her eyes, "Why is it taking you so long to find what you need in that tiny compartment?" she asked, as the Doctor threw out a rubber duck, a burnt out sonic screwdriver, and a white hat.

"It's bigger on the inside," the Doctor explained, "Anyway, in every house there are billions of rooms, and in each one there is something very slightly different going on. for instance, in one of the rooms I am doing exactly this, in another room I may be using a much worse metaphor, and in another house, the universe may be ruled by a sentient purple dinosaur."

"I...think I follow you," said River slowly, ducking as a copy of 'The Time Traveller's Wife' came flying at her.

"Now, on the outskirts of this neighborhood there is...say an outhouse. Rats come crawling from here into all the houses and infest some of the rooms, but nobody can get rid of them until the outhouse door is open."

"And that's the trans-dimensional portal you were talking about earlier. You want to send the rats from whence they came."

"Exactly! Well, sort of. They're not really rats, I'm actually being generous with that comparison."

"Are they evil?"

"Not exactly, just manipulative, lying, corrupting, vain, self-obsessed...let's just call them evil. They're called Mary-Sues. The don't belong in our multiverse, and it's my responsibility, as someone who can, to send them back, utilizing their only weakness...This!" He reached into the compartment and pulled out what looked like a spoon with tines.

"A spork," River said unimpressed, "You pulled that out at a convenient time."

"Well, I actually found it two minutes ago, but I decided to save it for a more dramatic reveal. Anyway, we're going to need a lot more than just one, so to the TARDIS attic! Or was it TARDIS basement. It's not like either of them are at the top or bottom anyway."

"Doctor, can't we just visit the Medusa Cascade? Or Disneyland Clom? Or anywhere else?!"

"Nah, this should be fun!" The Doctor tucked the utensil into his pocket, and headed down the corridor towards the attic/basement.
"Let's hunt some spork!"

This was originally intended to be a much shorter OneShot, with an OC and the Tenth Doctor, but the seed of that idea blossomed into an enormous tree before I could type it out, so this is Chapter 1 of a new series, I'll probably alternate between updating this and Elementary on weekends, unless I get enough time to do both. Pleas, please please leave an honest review, and PM me with any questions/plot ideas.
Special thanks to Mibamonster for the spork idea, and a special mention in Chapter 2 for whoever spots the most references in this one. Until next time then,
TwentyRings