Scene: ME conference room, full-time staff in attendance.

Kate: "Next item on the agenda is a new part-time contract employee, Barry Gray. Barry used to work at the federal level, and has experience with data forensics, signal intelligence, that sort of thing. We're going to give him sort of a trial run here and see if he can help out with some of our investigations."

(general round of "Hi, Barry")

Kate: "Please go around the table and introduce yourselves."

Barry: "Not really necessary."

Kate: "What?"

Barry: "I didn't advertise myself as a data forensics specialist because I win at solitaire. I already know the names and background of the full-time staff."

(starts pointing)

Barry: "Dr. Murphy, of course; Dr. Brumfield, Dr. Hunt, Dr. Gross, and Mr. Dunlop. Ethan, you're over the limit on your Visa card."

Ethan (jolted): "What?"

Barry: "Kidding."

(turns to Dani)

Barry: "You weren't on the department list."

Dani: "Dani. Dani Alvarez. I'm a driver. Part-time."

Kate: "OK then, I guess you have all had an introduction as to how this man operates."

Barry: "As the new guy, I brought some refreshments."

(removes items from a large shopping bag, sets them on the table)

Barry: "Mountain Dew and donuts. Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day."

(Dani laughs. Megan and Kate look disgusted. Curtis and Ethan look at each other, concerned that this is not going to end well.)

Megan: "Ewww. How can you stand to drink that stuff with donuts?"

Barry: "Well, I don't really. Goes better with pizza. But if I bring it in now, it'll be cold by the time I have to go out on a night run some time."

Megan (opening the box of donuts): "These donuts are square."

Barry: "There a problem with that? Your religion doesn't allow you to eat square donuts or something?"

Megan: "No, I just never saw square donuts before. Why would you bring in square donuts?"

Barry: "Sort of a square peg, round hole guy myself sometimes. Consider it part of the introduction."

Megan: "You're too weird."

(takes a bite)

Megan: "Mm, these are really good, though."

Curtis: "The man knows his crullers."

Kate: "Barry, I'll need your cell number for off-hours. We get called out at odd times around here."

Barry: "I printed out my landline, cell number and email on some cards for everybody. I can fix your computers, too."

Megan: "Let me put your number in my cell so I can call you the next time my PC dies."

(she punches in the numbers, then calls him)

Barry: "Now?"

Megan: "Just answer it."

(he gets out his phone, answers)

Barry: "Kate's Body Shop. Do you need a tow (toe), or just the tag?"

Dani laughs. Peter is amused. Curtis and Ethan look at each other as though they need a place to hide. Kate and Megan look appalled.

Megan: "How's that again?"

Barry: "What? I knew it was you from caller ID. I could see you. It's not like it was going to turn out to be the Pope."

Kate (a little frosty): "Mr. Gray."

Barry: "Yes?"

Kate: "In the future, you will under no circumstances refer to the medical examiner's office as 'Kate's Body Shop'. Is that understood?"

Barry: "Yes, ma'am."

Megan: "Let's try this again."

(she hits redial)

Barry: "County morgue and frozen foods. Come see what we have for you on ice."

(Ethan and Curtis start backing up their chairs. Megan is furious.)

Kate: "Not an improvement, Mr. Gray. Leave the ME's office out of your announcements, or leave the ME's office."

Barry: "Got it."

(Megan, still angry, hits re-dial. This is now a duel.)

Barry: "Barry's Bait Shop and Sashimi. It's not like anybody can really tell the difference."

Megan glares at Barry. Kate is suppressing a smile.

Megan: "Still unprofessional. Try again."

(she hits redial again)

Barry: "Ed's ER and tavern. We fix what ails (ales) you."

Kate, seeing Megan's annoyance, is trying really hard not to laugh. Megan is furious.

Megan: "Mr. Gray..."

Barry: "What? Did you think if you kept dialing I was going to run out? I have an infinite supply. And why do you care how I answer my personal phone?"

Megan: "There is a certain standard of professionalism expected in this office, and..."

Kate reaches over and takes Megan's hand off her phone.

Kate: "Maybe we'll just close the meeting at this point. Everyone get me your quarterly reports by the end of the week. Curtis, why don't you and Ethan show Barry around the lab?"

They jump at the chance to be out of the Megan blast zone. All three exit the meeting room, Barry first. Dani follows.

Barry (mad scientist impersonation): "Come, Igor, let us proceed to the laboratory."

Ethan: "OK. Wait, who are you calling Igor?"

Barry: "Whoever responded to the name first. Guess it's you."

Curtis: "Hah. You're Igor."

Barry: "Like you're going to be better off if I call you Pumbaa."

Curtis: "Who's Pumbaa?"

Barry: "The warthog in Lion King."

Curtis: "You know, you really ought to try and make at least a couple of friends here before you rocket to the top of everyone's enemies list. I thought that meeting was going to finish with you on Dr. Hunt's table."

Dani: "I'll be your friend. I thought it was hilarious."

Barry: "Great. Just for that, you can be Queen Amidala."

Curtis: "You're a crazy fool. Who are you gonna be, Darth Vader?"

Barry: "That would be cool." (lowers his voice) "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Ethan: "Not bad. And Dani would make a beautiful Queen Amidala."

Barry: "In recognition of your support, I promote you from Igor to Han Solo."

Ethan: "Hey, cool."

(turns to Curtis)

"See, I got promoted already."

Curtis: "Don't get caught up in his craziness. You can't list a promotion to Han Solo on your resumé after Dr. Hunt gets you fired."

Dani: "I think it's about time we lightened up around here."

Barry: "Exactly. Just because it's a morgue doesn't mean we all have to act like a bunch of stiffs."

Dani laughs again.

Barry (to Dani): "I've been thinking I should have a padawan. Are you interested?"

Dani: "What's a padawan?"

Ethan (jumping in): "A padawan is a jedi apprentice."

Barry: "Here's a tip, Ethan: It is unlikely you will impress many women with an encyclopedic knowledge of science fiction movies."

Dani: "What would I have to do?"

Barry: "I don't know. Learn to use the Force. Fight with light sabers. Help the oppressed and dateless."

Ethan: "What?"

Barry: "Here's a project for you, padawan: Help Ethan learn how to deal with women."

Dani: "Hmm... He does have a kind of nerdy appeal already..."

Ethan: "This kind of help I can do without."

Barry: "Well, padawan, I know it might be a pretty big job, but see if you can get him a clue or two. Buy a vowel if you need to."

(motions, imitates Obiwan Kenobi)

"You will become a cool guy."

Barry and Curtis move through the lab while Dani and Ethan keep talking.

Barry: "The Force might be enough to levitate an X-wing fighter, but I don't know if it will be enough to help him."

Curtis: "It certainly won't be enough to help you if Dr. Hunt goes on the warpath."

Barry: "Yeah, jedi mind tricks only work on the weak-minded and easily influenced. Dr. Hunt will just brush them aside. Hey, want to see if I can levitate a mass spectrometer?"

Curtis: "You are not going to levitate anything in my lab. Nn-nnh. No sir."

Barry: "All right. Do you have equipment and procedures manuals? I don't want to screw anything up by accident."

Curtis: "You got that right."

Barry: "Nope. If I screw it up, I want it to be on purpose."

Curtis: "Mister, we have orderly procedures to follow around here..."

(Curtis begins a long lecture)

Cut to: Kate's office, later. Barry enters.

Barry (holds up several manuals): "Well, I have my light reading for the evening. By next week, I should be able to help out with some of the routine lab work if you get overloaded. You know, Dani is pretty sharp, I'll bet we could train her to do some things as well."

Kate: "What was all that phone nonsense about in the meeting?"

Barry: "First, you guys are way too solemn around here. The dead bodies are livelier. Just thought I would make things more interesting. Also thought I'd smoke out the control freaks the first day. Makes it easier to escape when you know who's going to have you in their sights."

Kate: "You definitely have at least one that I could think of."

Barry: "You and Megan are actually a lot alike. Maybe too much alike. You were both appalled at my lack of phone manners. But you took a secret delight in her annoyance, and that's why I'm still here."

Kate: "You're on mighty thin ice."

Barry: "Well then, consider this. Everyone was so focused on my personal antics that nobody thought to probe my past, or inquire how I got the job. The best way to avoid answering a question is to distract them from asking it in the first place, Dr. Murphy."

Kate: "You might be too clever for your own good. Megan will definitely have it in for you. And the donuts were good, but the idea of washing them down with Mountain Dew is just nauseating."

Barry: "I'd have thought people who cut open bodies would have stronger stomachs."

Kate: "Just used to different things, I guess."

Barry: "If you want me in here from time to time, I'll need desk space somewhere. And a computer, preferably with a better graphics card than you usually seem to use here. I've got equipment at home I could use, but it is better for chain of custody if we keep it all here."

Kate: "Going to challenge Ethan to video games?"

Barry: "No, I can use the multiple cores of a high-end video card for cracking encryption."

Kate: "I'll see what I can find. Now go home before Megan catches up with you, and you end up on the pointy end of her scalpel."

Barry: "Good idea. See you around."

(he exits)

Kate (goes back to paperwork, but shakes her head and bites down on a smile): "Kate's Body Shop. He's a piece of work."

(end scene)