A/N: And here it is, the finale to the Lord of the Rings Story arc, which has really gone on far longer than it should have, considering I have half a dozen other Universes already planned, most of which will only take up a single chapter.

I made a few adjustments to the previous chapter to match the movie dialog better.

Strong recommendation: Catch up on the movie scene where Gandalf confronts Theoden, if you haven't got easy access to Two Towers, then just search 'Gandalf cures Theoden' on YouTube.

I have decided that polls suck and I'm gonna give a 'Previously on Sporks and Wives' section anyways.

(Imagine this part in Majel Barrett's Star Trek voice please)

Last time on Sporks and Wives: The Sue Hunt
The Doctor was overshadowed by some old dude, Hama gave us his honest opinion, eowyn is actin strang.
Oh, and a major brawl is about to break out.

A major brawl broke out. It would later become the stuff of legend, and 'The Major Brawl' would be sung by many a bard (a bard, not the Bard of Laketown) over the decades in the Golden Hall.

However, the exact details were a bit vague. The Rohirrim Royal Guards were the best of the best and armed heavily, Aragorn and Co. had spent the last three days running the Tour de Rohan, had left all their weapons at the door and their greatest asset, Gandalf, was busy moving super slowly towards the possessed Theoden.

The Rohirrim Royal Guards did not stand a chance.

At leat not under normel conditions.

Lorielai was punching anything and everyting she could in the face, including Aragorn who refused to leav her side.

Aragorn was punching anything Lorielai punched, including himself.

Legolas was tryin to punch backward over his sholder, several times, before turning and finding noone was behind him.

Gimli was punching everyone's sholders.

Emily Jade Merryweather had swiped the Dr's earphones and sat to the side, her head bobing to the toons from her phone.

The Doctor, River in his wake had rushed quickly towards Eowyn, who had just entered. He had recognized all the signs:
-The awful, awful command of the Common Tongue
-The malicious yet lustful glare directed at Aragorn
-The rapidly changing eye colour, from emerald green to ocean blue to chocolate brown to 'limpid tear' all in a matter of seconds.

He pulled out his sonic screwdriver and pointed in her direction, and examined it. He gave an ironic smile.
"Looks like a malevolent entity possessing a body. Isn't that right?"

eowyn turned away from The Brawl and looked at him. "i have no idea Who (gedit?) u are or waht ure talkin about Dr." she said with a smil.

"Only one Sue I know powerful enough to fully control an entire person, yet idiotic enough to say that." said the Doctor. "Not so nice meeting you again, Ebony. Goodbye."

His hand twirled round and a Spork flew out from his sleeve and onto the floor. "Oh, come on! I spent ages practising that!"

River sighed, picked up the Spork and proded Eowyn's shoulder with it. Nuthin happened to Eowyn.

She began to laugh scornfully.

Against all odds, Gandalf had made it to the throne without a scratch.
"Theoden son of Thengel, too long have you sat in the shadows!"

Gandalf held out his hand. "Harken to me! I release you from this spell!"

Nothing happened to Theoden. He began to laugh slowly, but was interrupted by a shriek from behind.

Eowyn's head was thrown back, her eyes shone brilliantly and a black mist rose out of her body.

The Doctor turned round and looked incredulously at Gandalf. "How did you do that?"

He shrugged.

Meanwhile, River had chosen not to get distracted. She quickly flung the Spork in her hand at the hovering black mist, and her incredible aiming skillz guided it straight into the centre of the dark cloud, causing it to vanish with a flash.

At least, that's what would have happened if Gandalf's shrug hadn't caused his grey rags to fall off, revealing the incredibly bright white robes underneath.

The incredibly bright white robes which caused everybody (Except Emily Jade Merryweather, who had fallen asleep) to flinch back, including River, whose aim was completely thrown off.

The following events happened in a very narrow timeframe:

- Eowyn, free of possesion began to fall to the ground, unconcious.

- Gandalf raised his staff, causing Theoden to slam back into his throne.

- The Spork flying through the air missed the black mist and bounced of the back wall, changing its trajectory.

- Halfway through falling, Eowyn regained conciousness and realised no one was catching her, so she held out her arms to break the fall.

- The Doctor, who had already calculated exactly where the Spork would end up, began running hastily to the other end of the Hall.

- Gandalf said, "I will draw you Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound!" causing Theoden to snarl furiously.

- The black mist began to shoot towards River Song.

- The Spork made contact with Lorielai's back, and she vanished with a flash.

- Aragorn gave a shout of fury, and began to run to punch whoever was nearby, in this case Gimli.

- Eowyn stood up, looked around, then sat down on the floor.

- The black mist entered River Song, and her eyes began to glow.

- Emily Jade Merryweather woke up.

Theoden had been cured, (most of) his wispy hair and (a few of) his wrinkles were vanishing. He began to slump forward, but stopped when he realised no one was catching him.

However, the trubble was just begininng.

Lorielai had vanished, and Aragorn was in a fury. He pounded left and right through the Rohirrim Mooks, and was approaching closer and closer to Legolas, who was just standing in a daze.

The Doctor struggled to reach him through the crowd, and by the time he did he realised he was facing one of the strongest men in Middle Earth midway through a murderous rampage without the slightest hint of a plan.

So he punched him.

In the face.

His fist bounced off, and he was left clutching his hand in pain, as Aragorn turned menacingly towards him.

River Song had a problem.

She couldn't feel her fingers. Or any other part of her body for that matter.

A sickly sweet voice floated through her head.

[wel, this doesnt feel nice does it]

River was stunned for a moment, then she focused hard on a response.

[Wait, I can seriously communicate with you like this? I thought that only happened in stories. I mean, I can hear your voice and everything!]

[thats not the point, the point is that i have ure body, and theres nothing u can do about it]

[There's not much you can do about it either, is there?]

[wat r u talking about]

[If telepathic conversation abilities is the way we're going, you've probably got access to all my memories as well, haven't you?]

[so wat?]

[Take a look at the last few hours.]

Ebony did, and by the time she was done, tears were rolling down the possessed body's cheeks.

Eowyn was feeling woozy. She had very recently had an unpleasant experience involving some ill mannered spirit taking hold of her body, utilizing her to very unsubtly manipulate the King to her own wishes. It hadn't been working, partially due to the spirit's ineptitude ('we shud totaly take all the girls and old guys and make tehm atack isengard alon'), and partially due to the fact that the King was being manipulated already on a different front, by that snake-tongued Grima.

And Eowyn, trapped in her own mind, was powerless to stop either of them as her beloved uncle withered before her, and her noble brother was banished. (Actually the banishment was kind of a relief, the spirit really couldn't grasp the concept of 'brother', particularly when said brother was very handsome. Interactions had been... awkward to say the least.)

Despite the fact that she had recovered, courtesy of Gandalf in some fancy new robes, the encounter had sapped her of all her energy.

She would need about a minute to recover.

The Doctor had made a mistake. He had thrown a punch no sane man would dare throw to a man who was not, at the moment, sane...

To make things even better, his mind was now wandering on a tangent.

Fortunately, a certain dwarf with the eyes of a fox and the ears of a hawk... or something like that, was less distracted than he.

Gimli trusted this Doctor, he wasn't really sure why. What he did know was that there was something wrong with both Aragorn and Leoglas, and as the last sane man (dwarf), it was his duty to stop it.

So he punched Aragorn.

Not in the face though, somewhere... lower.

Far lower.

[i... i dont understand how somone coud sufer so much (snif)]

[Yes, it's terrible isn't it? So my point is, what use could I possibly be to you?]

River was relieved that feelings couldn't be seen by Ebony, otherwise she would be seeing all the dryness and faintest tinge of humour River was experiencing.

[i mean, that aweful man went and triked you into wearing that nitemare of a dres, then every1 made fun of you and ignores you, and you had to ride a horse! (sobb)]

[Every day of my life is a nightmare. I live in a prison, I grew up in a military camp, I was trained to kill the man I love, each time we meet he knows me less and less...]

River didn't have to pretend anymore, she was downright miserable.

"Gimli." the Doctor said solemnly. "That was possibly the most important punch in Middle Earth's history."

Aragorn was in pain. It took him nearly a minute to get back onto his feet, and by the time he had his head was clear. Even as he got up, his eyes connected with a different person unsteadily getting to her feet all the way across the Hall. He recognized Eowyn, dauhgter of Eomund, he knew her reputation, and he formulated a plan. He apologized to the Doctor and Gimli, waited for a return apology, then sighed when he didn't get it.

His plan was simple: get rid of Emily Jade Merryweather, who had been ogling him ever since she woke up and realised Lorielai had vanished.

Step one was even simpler. He stepped up behind the dazed Legolas and hit him on the head. Hard.

Step two was a bit more difficult. He struggled to make his way through the crowded Hall, and finally he managed to tap Eowyn's shoulder.

"I am aware that we just met, and this may seem insane, but here's a... whatever this is." He held out a Spork he had pulled out of the Doctor's pocket. "We need it to defeat her," he jerked his head towards Emily Jade Merryweather who was advancing with a gleam in her eye, "who seems to be a shape shifting enchantress of some kind, akin to the one that possessed you."

Eowyn looked at the piece of plastic and her hand and shrugged. "Why not? It seems to be that kind of day."

Gandalf was exhausted, it had taken much of his strength to drive Saruman's curse out of Theoden. The King himself was too busy glaring furiously at Wormtongue to notice the panting wizard leaning heavily on his staff, practically about to fall over.

Just as Gandalf considered slipping off and finding a bed, or really any flat surface short of the floor, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

The Doctor's face was apologetic. "We... may need your help with something." He pointed his thumb towards River.

Gandalf groaned.

[So, maybe it would be in everyone's best interests if you left my body, wouldn't it?]

[hang on for 1 momant, how dod u even get here frm where we met b4? is that a time travell machine? and do u know how 2 controll it]

[That doesn't matter, remember how miserable my life is?]

[no, ure just tryin to hide this frm me. i could go anywher and rule anything in this... tardes.]

[And how exactly would you even go about that?]

[first, i will haveto get rid of this dr]

Emily Jade Merryweather advanced towards Aragorn, when she was suddenly stopped in her tracks. A Spork was being held right in front of her neck, mere millimeters away from touching her skin. Eowyn gave a deadly smile.

"What exactly are your intentions towards this realm?"

"i dunno arwen, i just appearred here-"

The Spork came even closer.

"First off, it's Eowyn. I'll give you one more chance."

"well, u know, i-" suddenly Emily Jade Merryweather's fist came flying at Eown's face, she attempted to duck, but the prolonged possession had left her in a weakened state. Sprawled on the floor, she could hear Emily Jade Merryweather laughing above her. "ok, Ill tell you. Im going to take over middle earth with aragorn, and then, Im gonna make sure gondor here is burnt to the ground, since you seem to love it so much."

Eowyn stood up, and she brushed herself off. "You will not. First of all, I will allow you to. And second of all, this isn't Gondor."

"THIS!"

"IS!"

"ROHAN!"

Lightning fast, her hand shot out and stabbed Emily Jade Merryweather with the Spork.

In the face.

As the Sue vanished with a flash, Eowyn smiled. "I really should remember that move."

"Harken to me. I release you from this spell." said Gandalf, waving his hand in River's general direction. She shrieked, and began collapsing as the black mist rose out of her.

This time, the Doctor was prepared. He nudged Gimli, and then rushed forward to catch River before she hit the ground. As he did so, a rain of Sporks fell onto them both. In the interest of not missing, Gimli had thrown about a dozen in the general direction of the mist.

It had worked. Ebony was gone.

Meanwhile, Gandalf had fallen to the ground and was snoring gently.

One feast later, Aragorn turned round and noticed the Doctor and River were no longer among them. Come to think of it, he was sure he hadn't even sit down with the rest of them. In fact, he wasn't even sure who this 'Doctor' was.

As the timeline continued correcting itself, Aragorn and the rest forgot most of the whole incident.

He turned to Theoden. "Did I mention that Saruman is planning a massive attack on Rohan?"

"WHAT?"

The Doctor put River gently down on the control chair of the TARDIS console room, and her eyes opened. "Hello, sweetie." she said weakly.

The Doctor smiled back. "You know, I find it hard to believe you were unconscious all this time."

"You caught me. Actually, I've always wanted you to carry me into the TARDIS, and this seemed like the ideal opportunity."

"Ah well. Secretly I've always wanted to carry you into the TARDIS, except I haven't really."

He spun round and pulled a lever on the console. The engines began to hum.

"So, where to next?"

Meduseld was dark, everyone had long since left it.

Nearly everyone.

Legolas opened his eyes. So black was the night it didn't make much of a difference. His head was throbbing.

He heard the faintest of noises coming from a corner, so he got to his feet and cautiously approached the source.

He then tripped over Gandalf's sleeping form and crashed to the ground.

Woah. First off, I'm sorry this took so long. Secondly, I'm sorry if it's a bit chaotic. Thirdly, I really don't feel like proofreading again, so excuse any typos that aren't intnetional.
Fourthly, this is long. Very very long, and any sane person would split it into two chapters. I should've, it's not like there were a shortage of cliffhanger moments. Thing is, much as I enjoy it I didn't want to spend yet another chapter in the LotR universe. I wrote it in at least half a dozen sittings.
Fifthly, don't expect anything for some time. I'm crazy busy, but I advise you to keep my stories on alert cos you never know.
Lastly, I'd love some reviews.
TwentyRings