Title: In Your Eyes
Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP
Rating: M
Pairing: ?/?
Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?
Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.
Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444 and olivia. c. king1 for your reviews and welcome to Carlykinz, thank you for the review. Enjoy the chapter everyone.
Chapter Twenty.
Dixie had woken up after a night of restless sleep and dreams of Jeff telling her that he was leaving her for Tamzin and he wanted a divorce. She'd spent the past hour or so trying to apply reason to what she had seen but it wasn't working, all she could think of was that Jeff didn't want her now, that he wanted Tamzin instead. How long would it be before he left her? She wanted to go upstairs and curl up next to Jeff but she didn't want to face his rejection of her the way she'd had to last night. Dixie shivered, the heating had gone off some time ago but she didn't have the strength or the will to get up and turn it back on. She looked at Little Abs lying by her feet, he seemed to know that she was upset. 'You won't leave me or stop loving me, will you?' Little Abs looked at her with his deep brown eyes and rested his head against her legs. 'Of course you won't.' Dixie felt the sadness start to eat away at her heart, was this what heartbreak felt like?
Jeff woke up and found himself alone, Dixie's side of the bed was cold so she must have been gone a while. His migraine had gone and he was feeling like himself again, he thought over what happened yesterday and cringed at the memory of Tamzin kissing him, she wasn't Dixie that's for certain. He remembered kissing Dixie and then having to stop because the migraine was just too bad, he also remembered Dixie not cuddling up to him like she usually did. Had he unintentionally upset her by stopping the kiss? Maybe he should have explained why he had stopped kissing her. Jeff also vaguely remembered hearing Dixie tossing and turning during the night. He got out of the bed, he was going to have to find Dixie and explain his actions. Jeff decided that he was going to tell her about the kiss too, it was best to get it out in the open.
Dixie stared vacantly out the window, the grief over losing Jeff was consuming her, what would she do when he left? How was she going to live without him? Was there anything she could have done to stop this happening? All manner of thoughts were flowing through her mind one after the other and she wished that they would stop, she didn't want to think any more. She barely heard Jeff coming into the kitchen, she didn't look at him, she couldn't look at him. 'Dixie.' Jeff was stood behind her, she felt the warmth of his body and she wanted to beg him to hold her and never let her go. Dixie felt Jeff's hand on her arm and she pulled it away quickly. 'Dix, you're freezing, why didn't you put the heating on?' She heard Jeff move away and the boiler come on, he'd obviously switched the heating back on. 'Dixie, what's wrong?' Jeff sat by her and she met his eyes for the first time since he'd entered the room. 'Princess, what's the matter?'
'I saw you.'
'What do you mean princess?'
'Don't call me that. I saw you kissing Tamzin.' Jeff's mouth fell open and he looked down at the floor. 'How could you? Everything you said to me, that I was beautiful, that I was the only one you wanted, was it all a lie?'
'No, Dixie, it wasn't a lie. She kissed me, I pushed her away. I didn't kiss her back.'
'You're just saying that because you got caught.'
'I'm not, Dixie please, you have to believe me.'
'Do I? You've cheated once before.'
'That's different.'
'How is it?'
'Lucy started cheating on me long before I did the same.'
'That doesn't make it right Jeff.' Dixie got up and moved away from Jeff, she couldn't be near him right now.
Jeff watched Dixie move away from him as if she couldn't stand to be near him. 'I can't believe you would do this to me, after everything we've been through and faced together and you allow your head to be turned by someone younger.'
'How many times do I have to say this, I didn't want to kiss her, she kissed me.' Jeff felt himself getting angry, why was Dixie so intent on believing the worst about him? 'What is it you want me to say Dixie?'
'The truth.'
'It is the truth.'
'Really.'
'Yes, what do you want me to say Dixie, that I enjoyed it, that I kissed her, that I wanted her?'
'I want you to tell me the truth Jeffrey.'
'I am telling you the truth you silly cow, you're just too stubborn to believe it.'
'A silly cow am I? Maybe I am for ever believing that you loved me.'
'I do love you.'
'You've got a funny way of showing it.'
'Dixie, I did not kiss Tamzin, for fucks sake.' Jeff could feel himself getting angry, how was he supposed to prove to Dixie that he loved her?
Dixie didn't know what to believe, Jeff seemed insistent on saying that he didn't kiss Tamzin, she had seen it with her own eyes, had she been deceived? 'I should have stayed a lesbian,' she muttered to herself.
'Really Dixie, look how well that turned out.'
'I don't know what you mean.'
'Cyd, you remember her, you were in love with her. What happened to her?'
'Don't say it.'
'Oh yes, she left, she didn't want you, did she?' Dixie felt as if she'd been slapped in the face, she'd told him all about Cyd and now he was using it against her. 'She ran as fast as she could away from you and you've not had a successful relationship since.'
'Screw you Jeff, as if you can say anything about successful relationships. Your whole marriage to Lucy was based on lies and cheating. You screwed around with one woman after another. Don't lecture me about successful relationships because you do not have that authority. No wonder she left and went to London, she left to get away from you.'
'What do you know?'
'I know everything, by the time your marriage came to an end she hated you and she found comfort in the arms of another man. I can see why, did you kiss other women in front of her or is it just me you chose to do that to?' Jeff was quiet and Dixie took that as proof it was just her he had done it to. 'No wonder Lucy took the kids with her.'
'Leave my kids out of this.'
'You brought Cyd into it.'
'That is different and you know it.'
'Is it? I loved her and you love them. How does it feel knowing that they call another man dad and that he is there when you're not?' Dixie saw the anger Jeff's eyes and she moved back from him as she saw him raise his hand as if he was going to hit her.
Jeff was unaware of what he was doing until his hand nearly reached Dixie's face, he stopped himself just in time and put his hand down. He saw the fear in Dixie's eyes and he immediately felt ashamed of himself, he had never raised a hand to a woman before in his life. He quickly left the kitchen and went to his own room, he leaned his head against the wall and tried to work out what had just happened between himself and Dixie. Jeff replayed the scene in his head but it kept coming back to the memory of Dixie looking scared of him as he raised his hand to her. He was so ashamed of his actions, tears ran down his face, how could he have thought of hitting her? He wanted to go to Dixie and hold her, beg for her forgiveness but he didn't feel worthy of it. He had almost done something completely unforgivable. He wondered what kind of a man that made him. Jeff sat down on his bed and cried into the pillow that Dixie had used, had he just spoiled everything that he had with the woman he loved?
Dixie sat at the table with her head in her hands, what had just happened? She was feeling shaky, Jeff had gone to hit her, she didn't think that he would ever do anything like that to her. He had stopped himself but it was the anger in his eyes that she remembered; he'd never looked at her like that before. The argument had got out of hand, she shouldn't have brought up his kids, she knew how sensitive he was about the kids and the fact that they were living with another man. She rested her head against the table and let her tears flow free, what if Jeff had been telling the truth, she had accused him of lying to her and wanting to be with someone else. Could they survive this? Dixie was sure of one thing, she didn't want Jeff to leave, she still loved him, she needed him. She wanted to go up there and talk to Jeff but she thought that they needed some space from each other to think through everything that had just happened. Maybe working with someone other than Jeff would help her to think. Dixie sighed, what would happen to them now?
Jeff sat up and wiped his eyes, he was still feeling so very ashamed of himself and how he'd almost lost his temper. He stood up and walked around his room, how could he look Dixie in the eye now? He loved her so much and yet he'd lost his temper so easily. How would they get through working together for the next twelve hours? Jeff closed his eyes, how had everything gone so wrong in such a short space of time? Jeff turned around when he heard the door close, he looked out of the window and saw Dixie leave the house with her coat on and her bag with her uniform in. He just watched her as she walked down the street. 'Dixie, I'm sorry princess,' he whispered. 'My Dixie, are you still my Dixie?' Jeff wished that she would turn around, he wanted to run after her and beg her to come back but he couldn't, he was rooted to the spot and watching her walk away from him.
Dixie decided to walk to work early, the fresh air would clear her mind and help her to think, she walked absent-mindedly until she reached the station. She kept her head down and ignored anyone that spoke to her, she just needed to be alone. Dixie closed the door once she was in her office, she sat in her chair and looked at the pictures on her desk, she had a copy of a picture of herself and Jeff on their wedding day. She picked it up and looked at it, they were so happy, how had everything gone so wrong? Was it since they became a proper couple? Had they spoiled their friendship and relationship by taking it one step further? She stood up and went to get changed, no matter what was happening in her personal life, she still had a job to do.
Jeff arrived at the station, he saw Dixie walking through the garage and into the changing rooms, he decided to go to the rec room and get himself something to drink. He hadn't worked out what he wanted to say to Dixie or how he was going to apologise to her. Jeff just wanted to go to Dixie, have her hold him and tell him that everything was going to be all right. He couldn't bring himself to do it, he was so sure that she hated him and didn't want to see him now. Jeff went and got himself changed, he hoped that Dixie would come to him when she was ready and they would talk everything through. He knew that he wouldn't feel right until he'd had the chance to talk to Dixie and beg for her forgiveness. He just hoped that they would be able to talk properly and it wouldn't end up in them arguing again.
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