In Your Eyes Chapter Twenty-Four, a casualty fanfic

Title: In Your Eyes

Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP

Rating: M

Pairing: ?/?

Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?

Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.

Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1 and Carlykinz for your reviews, we really appreciate them and the fact you haven't killed us yet for everything that Jeff and Dixie are going through.

Chapter Twenty-Four.

Jeff had had plenty of time to think about what he had done in the past week. He knew that he had hurt Dixie terribly and she was suffering a lot. She had changed her shift so that they were working separately now, Norman had agreed to be her partner and they were working together now. Dixie had arranged it that she was finishing her shift as he was starting his, she was always in her office when he arrived and by the time he finished getting changed she had already left. The days were boring and quiet without Dixie by his side, he felt as if he only had himself to blame. He wondered what he would do now, how would this end? What was the best thing to do?

Jeff barely saw Dixie even when they were at home together, they crossed paths every so often and he always noticed that the light and sparkle had gone out of Dixie's eyes. She was always pale and her eyes were nearly always red from crying. She always looked tired, as if she hadn't had enough sleep. Jeff knew that he had completely broken Dixie's heart, she wasn't herself any more, she was always quiet and she didn't smile now. He'd turned up to the station one day and watched Dixie from afar. She refused every invite from the staff that were going to the pub; she would have been the first person there in the past. Jeff noticed that his colleagues weren't speaking to him, evidently they had some idea what was going on and they had decided that it was his fault. He had started working on rapid response, it was his way of avoiding the dirty looks that he got from the people that now hated him. He still had to see them every so often and he could feel the hate coming from them whenever he went near them. Jeff had given up trying to speak to them as they just ignored him. They'd gone for birthday drinks with Stevie and hadn't invited him, he was being totally left out of everything.

Jeff thought about this morning, Dixie had been on the night shift,when he got to his locker he found a piece of paper stuck to it, his transfer to London had been approved and they wanted him to start next week. He hadn't meant to say all of the hurtful things that he did to Dixie, he had been angry and hurt that she didn't trust him and didn't believe him when he said he didn't kiss Tamzin. How did it get this bad? Jeff knew that his past record was against him but he was hurt that Dixie thought he was capable of cheating on her. Why did he say that he wanted a divorce? He didn't really want one, he had just said it when he was angry, he was hurting and he had shot his mouth off without even thinking about the words that were coming out of it. Those four words had completely shattered Dixie's heart and left her a shell of her former self. He was ashamed of himself, how could he have done that to her?

Jeff hadn't spoken to Dixie for a week since he'd told her he wanted a divorce, they ate, worked and lived separately even though they lived in the same house. Dixie was so quiet now that it was as if there was nobody else in the house, she'd lost her fire, her spark, she'd lost everything that made her Dixie and it was all his fault. There were times when he would walk past her room and he would hear her crying and it broke his heart, would Dixie be better if he left? Jeff sighed, she was hurting because of him, because of everything that he had said and done. He didn't deserve her, he had deliberately said the words that he knew would hurt her. Dixie could do much better than him, she could find someone that loved her and wouldn't hurt her like he had. Sometimes he would just stand there and listen to Dixie crying, it was his punishment for hurting her, he would stand there listening until the tears ran down his own face and his heart felt as if it was about to break in two. Jeff wanted to feel the pain that he had put Dixie through, standing there listening to the woman he loved sounding so distraught and upset was his way of punishing himself for his actions.

Jeff didn't know what to do, he'd tried to speak to Dixie several times but she didn't reply, she hardly spoke to anyone these days. Norman had told him that Dixie spent nearly all day in her office unless they were on a shout and even then she was quiet unless she was wth a patient. Jeff relied on Norman for information about Dixie, Norman was polite and answered his questions but Jeff knew that Norman was mad at him too, it was in his tone of voice and it was barely restrained. Jeff sighed, he knew that he had well and truly blown it, asking Dixie for a divorce was the final straw and the final nail in the coffin of their marriage. Jeff's thoughts turned to the fact that he had promised Dixie that nothing would happen to them and their friendship, he had lied to her and he had let her down in the worst way possible. He sighed again and stared out of the window of the rapid response car, maybe he was right, maybe Dixie was better off without him. Was leaving the best thing to do? If he left then Dixie could move on with her life and he wouldn't be around to hurt her and make her feel worthless. Another thought echoed through his head, he would never love another woman, he would live with the pain of love lost for as long as his life continued. Jeff vowed to live with the pain of losing his princess, of losing his Dixie.

Dixie tossed and turned as she lay in her bed, she wasn't sure what she was thinking or feeling. Her thoughts continuously kept going back to Jeff and she would feel the pain of his words run through her body. His transfer had been approved and at the beginning of next week he would be out of her life forever. Dixie thought that he would come to her and tell her that he didn't mean it, that he didn't want a divorce but he never did, he must really hate her and not want to be with her. Dixie felt the tears in her eyes again, she had cried almost non stop for the first couple of days, it felt as if her life was over. She had no wish to be around people, they would only try to make her feel better and she didn't want to feel better, at least not by their hand. Dixie hadn't been sleeping well, she would sleep for a few hours and then be woken by the voices in her head repeating all of the horrible words that Jeff had thrown at her.

Dixie heard Jeff walking around sometimes, she wanted for him to come into her room, hold her and tell her that it had all been a mistake and he wasn't going away, that he didn't want a divorce and he still loved her. She placed her hands over her heart as the tears spilled down her cheeks once more, she felt as if her heart was in pieces and those pieces weren't working properly. The ache in her chest was growing day by day and she knew what it was; her heart was broken. There wasn't any treatment that she could be given to stop it from hurting, she couldn't even escape the pain in her dreams because Jeff was always there but she couldn't reach him. Dixie pulled back the covers and stood by her window, the world was quiet, it was cold, she felt it on her skin but she ignored it. The cold was nothing compared to the emotional pain she was feeling. She felt as if she was going about her daily business on auto pilot, she still focused on doing her job, it was the one thing that brought her joy. Helping people still gave her a sense of satisfaction, she still wanted to save people and do the best she could for them, that wouldn't change no matter what happened.

Dixie used the time that she was awake to think, a replacement had been organised for Jeff, she would be here at the beginning of next week. She had flicked through the papers that the trust had sent her with barely any interest and she'd just picked the first person that looked sort of decent. Dixie slowly went back to her bed and sat down, she looked around the room, it looked somewhat on the bare side now that she had put away the things that Jeff had bought her as presents, it hurt too much to have them around. She had put them under her bed and left them there, she couldn't look at them as they reminded her of the man that she still loved but was so close to losing. The pain in her heart started again whenever she thought of Jeff, she tried to put him out of her mind but he kept creeping back in.

Dixie lay on her back and stared at the ceiling, she was tired, her emotions were frayed and she had no idea how she was going to get through life alone. How would she cope when she ate alone for the rest of her life? She was done with dating and relationships, they only ever brought her happiness followed by pain. Losing Jeff had broken her heart into tiny pieces, nobody could put it back together again. She couldn't take losing someone else, if she was alone then nobody could hurt her, she would rather be alone than risk having her heart broken again. Dixie sighed and bundled herself up in her quilt, being alone scared her but it was better than the alternative. Why did everyone want to stamp on her heart, everyone she had ever loved had left her, why does it keep happening time and time again?

Dixie's thoughts were a mess, she was keeping it together but only just, what would she do when Jeff was no longer here? It amazed her how her thoughts kept coming back to Jeff, he had hurt her but she wanted him to hold her and tell her that everything would be fine. He wanted a divorce but still she prayed that he would come back to her and tell her that it was all a mistake. Was she being foolish? Every night when she went to bed she wished on the first star that she saw that Jeff would be with her when she woke up in the morning, every morning she was disappointed, her bed was as empty as it was when she went to sleep.

Dixie vowed that she would never love another person in this world, the thought made tears run silently down her cheeks, she would go through life alone, if she couldn't have her Jeffrey then she didn't want anyone. Nobody else would ever come close to him and the way he made her feel during the good times. She would live with the knowledge that she had lost the only man that ever made her feel complete and loved. Dixie closed her eyes and cried into her pillow, she pulled it close to her as if it would make the pain that she was feeling go away. There was only one man that could make her pain go away and he was leaving her behind. Dixie vowed that she would live with the pain and the sorrow of losing her Jeffrey.