Title: In Your Eyes

Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP

Rating: M

Pairing: ?/?

Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?

Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.

Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1 and Carlykinz for your reviews. We do apologise for being so very evil to Jeff and Dixie, trust us, these chapters are very hard for us to write and we feel your pain :(

Chapter Twenty-Seven.

The drive across the country was quiet, very quiet for Jeff. The further he got from Holby the more his heart ached and the harder he cried. He kept on looking over to the passenger seat excepting to see Dixie sat there either looking out of the window or sleeping, each time he did and she wasn't there, his heart sank that little bit more. He had put the radio on, he had chosen the station Dixie would normally listen to, but, it didn't make him feel any better. Realisation was stepping in; he was alone and would live alone with the pain of hurting and losing his Dixie, his special princess.

Jeff arrived at his flat in South West London; it seemed strange being there without Dixie. He had a couple of hours before his shift started so he began to unload the car and place the boxes and cases in the living area. Jeff didn't want to take the car, but, Dixie let him, they didn't talk about it at length, she just told him to take it and that she had no need for it. Jeff wondered how Dixie would get around now he had the car, would she walk everywhere or use public transport. Would she buy another car? He had no idea.

He scanned the room, all of his life was in boxes again, it was the same when he moved out of his family home when Lucy threw him out, all his possessions, everything he owned placed in boxes. Jeff felt settled with Dixie, although initially they would wind each other up and being in such close proximity caused friction to begin with, they grew to love it. Over time there were never seen apart from one another, they were always together. Dixie made Jeff feel complete and now they were apart.

Jeff's mind turned to Dixie again; he wondered what she would be doing now, whether or not she was all right. Stupid question, he thought to himself, of course she won't be all right. Jeff felt a pain in his chest as he imaged Dixie at home, on her own crying into a cushion. He wanted so much to turn around and go back to Holby, to hold her close and tell her he loves her, but, he couldn't. Jeff picked up his phone and unlocked it staring at the photo of Dixie he took at the park when they had their picnic; he rubbed his thumb over her face. Jeff thought about whether he should call Dixie or not to let her know he had arrived safely, would she want to hear my voice? Would she even answer me? He continued to look at the picture and spoke to that instead. 'I am here babe, I arrived safely. I really miss you. Are you OK princess? That was a stupid question wasn't it; I know the answer to that. I wish I was still with you Dixie, I would do anything to turn back the clock, to take back what I said, to hold you close to me once more. I start my shift soon; it won't be the same working without you, being in a different station with someone else telling me what to do. Only you are allowed to do that Dix. I love you so much princess and miss you so much already. Take care my beautiful Dixie.'

Jeff placed his phone back into his pocket and touched his wedding ring, even though he was apart from his wife, he would always wear the ring no matter what. He got up figuring he needed to have something to eat looking through the shopping he had picked up on the way. Jeff's heart was filled with sadness once more when he realised what he had done. He had bought two ready meals, one Indian for him and a pasta bake for Dixie, it was going to take some time to get used to being on his own again. Slowly, he placed the pasta bake in the freezer although he doubted he would ever eat it, but, he couldn't bring himself to throw it away. He held onto the hope that she would come after him and take him home.

He sat in silence eating his dinner, most of it remained on the plate being moved around than it did in his mouth, it wasn't Dixie's cooking, it didn't taste of anything, therefore he didn't want it. Jeff tipped the ready meal away before getting ready for work. He didn't pack a bag like he usually would have done; instead he changed into his uniform before he left. As he took it out of the case and laid it on his bed, the scent of the washing detergent and fabric softener filled his nostrils, it made his eyes water as he thought about all the times Dixie did his washing, all the times she ironed his clothes for him. He would have to do that now, but, he knew even if he used the same detergents, it would never be the same.

When he arrived at the station, he felt like a duck out of water. It was much bigger than Holby and there was a lot going on. Jeff made his way inside looking around at the array of ambulances, bikes and rapid response cars. It wasn't long before he was looking for Dixie, his heart skipped a beat as he heard a strong northern accent behind him, he felt a smile creep across his face as he turned around as quickly as he possibly could, but, it soon disappeared when he found himself looking at a tall, thin woman with black hair and glasses. 'Not quite the reaction I thought I was going to get, mind you, I do have that effect on people.' She chuckled as Jeff started to look embarrassed. 'I take it you are Jeffrey Collier?'
'Yeah, that's me.'
'Thought you were, my name is Becky and I will be your new partner. I'll show you where to put your things and take you to meet Andy the boss.' Jeff nodded in appreciation as he followed Becky his new partner through the station, what a cruel twist of fate he thought, being paired with a woman who sounded just like his Dixie. Was this God's way of making him suffer even more?

Jeff's first shift was a strange one, they were ridiculously busy, Holby seemed like a walk in the park compared to a busy London Ambulance Trust, he had attended three RTC's, two stabbings and a poorly old lady. Each and every time he arrived at the scene of a shout, he had to stop himself from saying 'my name is Jeff and this is Dixie.' It all seemed to roll off the tongue, he had said it a couple of times before realising what he had done quickly correcting himself.

He was now sitting in the ambulance staring blankly out of the window thinking about Dixie and what she was doing, he wondered if she was also working a night shift or if she was at home. Was she safe? Would Norman look out for her and protect her? Jeff hadn't noticed Becky had started to talk to him. 'First or second?'
'Ummm.' Jeff replied snapping himself out of his thoughts.
Becky pointed to his wedding ring on his finger and repeated her question, 'first or second marriage?'
'Oh, second.'
'Thought so, how long?'
'Three years.'
'Aw, sounds lovely. What's her name then?'
'Dixie.'
'I take it she is a Paramedic as well then.'
'Hmm?'
'You introduced yourself as Jeff and me as Dixie at a couple of the shouts, so I take it she is a Paramedic as well then?'
'Yeah, she is.'
'Dixie? That is a strange name, not heard that one before.'
'It is her nickname, before we married her surname was Dixon, she hates her first name, so, everyone calls her Dixie.'
'Oh right, so, is she over here now as well?'
Jeff's heart sunk, 'No, she is still in Holby.'
'Will she be joining you later on then?'
'Yeah, that's the plan anyway.' Jeff said as convincingly as he could, he didn't want anyone here knowing about his personal life, he was going to keep it quiet, they didn't need to know what he had done. He couldn't take another ambulance station hating him and leaving him out, Jeff was struggling as it was, he didn't need any more grief or bad feeling. 'So why London then?' Becky was keen to find out what she could about her new partner, if they were going to spend their days and nights working together, she wanted to get to know him a little more.
'My kids live here with my ex; we just wanted to be closer to them.'
'Ah, fair enough.'

Jeff was getting a bit tired of the twenty questions, he just wanted to tell her to shut it and butt out and to leave him to beat himself up over what he had done, but, it wasn't a smart move to alienate yourself on your first day. Instead, he decided to play her at her own game.
'What about you then? Any man or woman in your life?'
'Oh God no, I don't want anyone in my life, I have myself and my dog, that is all I need. Dating never interested me to be honest. I see it too many times with my friends, they find love, seem to get on OK, then the bloke gets his end away before they break up. Seems to be a trait with men, not that I am saying you are like that in anyway though.'
'If only you knew.' Jeff thought to himself before their radio cracked into life once more sending them off into the early hours of the morning to a nightclub.

Jeff arrived back at his flat at 8am the following morning; it had been a very long day what with driving up from Holby and then working an extremely busy 12 hour night shift. He opened the front door, walking through it just about to open his mouth to call out to Dixie, but, stopped himself remembering that she wasn't there. He was alone.

Jeff kicked his boots off and removed his fluorescent jacket throwing it down onto the sofa beside him as he sat down. All of his possessions were still in boxes, they would stay that way until his days off, he didn't have the energy to unpack them now, nor the inclination. If he unpacked them and put them away, it made his move to London permanent, it would reinforce the fact that he was alone again.

Deciding he needed a cup of tea before he turned in for some sleep, Jeff walked into the kitchen, he took out two mugs from the cupboard and flung a tea bag in each of them while the kettle boiled. He took the milk he had brought out the fridge and placed a little in each mug. He poured the hot water in and finished making the tea. It was only when he took the second tea bag out that he realised what he had done. Jeff felt his eyes watering as he looked down at the two mugs in front of him and the skimmed milk. He never liked skimmed milk, it was always Dixie that had it, he had mindlessly bought it and used it. Slowly and sadly, he tipped the second mug of tea away, this was going to take some getting used to, Jeff wasn't sure if it was something he ever wanted to get used to.

Drinking down his tea, Jeff made his way into the bedroom. He took off his uniform and climbed into bed, it wasn't the same comfy bed he was used to and it felt empty without Dixie by his side. Remembering her scarf in his pocket, he jumped back up to fetch it returning to the bed with it firmly in his hands. Jeff laid down on his pillow holding her scarf close to him, he let her scent fill his nostrils as fresh tears rolled down his face. Jeff lay cradling the scarf close to him as he wept into it, he missed Dixie so much, he wanted to be with her, he wanted to hold her, touch her, kiss her, tell her he was sorry, tell her he loves her more than anything, but, he couldn't.
Turning on his side still clinging onto her scarf, Jeff unlocked his phone to look at her picture once more, 'Goodnight my princess, I love you.'
He lay there staring at the photo before sleep took over once again.