Title: In Your Eyes
Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP
Rating: M
Pairing: ?/?
Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?
Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.
Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1 and Carlykinz for your reviews. Apologies for any evilness in this chapter.
Chapter Twenty-Eight.
Dixie's time off work was over and she had done the redecorating that had needed doing, replaced all the curtains and got a new carpet fitted in the lounge. She'd stayed up late almost every night finishing the rooms off, she wanted it completed and working into the early hours of the morning meant that she was now finished. Dixie had moved the furniture about and made the house look different, she found that if she was busy that she didn't think of Jeff but in the moments that she was sitting down and not doing much then he popped into her head. Dixie couldn't escape him in her sleep either, he was in her dreams all of the time. She would dream of him every night; sometimes she would dream of him coming back to her and holding her close. Those were the hardest dreams as when she awoke she was always alone. Dixie hoped that working late and tiring herself out would mean that she didn't dream of Jeff but it hadn't helped, she always dreamed of him, his face was always there in her dreams. She was feeling tired, while she'd been off she hadn't really stopped for a moment but she had to keep going, stopping was not an option for her, she needed to stay busy. Staying busy meant that she wasn't crying her eyes out whilst sat on the sofa and mindlessly watching the television.
Dixie sat in the front of the ambulance with Norman while they waited for their next shout, she had noticed that he had been looking out for her all day while they were on shouts and even when they weren't. Dixie was wishing for a shout to come through on the radio; it was the quiet moments that started her thinking about Jeff and what he was up to. Was Jeff safe? London could be a dangerous place and she was worried about him, what if something happened to him? Would she find out, had he told them about her? She didn't have any answers to her questions. Dixie took her phone out of her pocket and checked it again, still no messages or calls from Jeff. The lack of contact from Jeff made her heart hurt even more than it already was. She pulled up Jeff's number on her phone and stared at it, she had been doing it a lot lately but had yet to find the courage to call him. Dixie sighed and closed the phone book on her screen, she couldn't call him.
Norman heard Dixie sigh again, she'd brought up Jeff's number on her phone for the fifteenth time in half an hour and every time she sighed and dismissed it. Norman was worried about Dixie, she was quieter than she had been before she had a week off on holiday and he was certain that she had lost weight. He'd watched Dixie closely when they ate their lunch, she'd pushed hers around the tub, occasionally putting some in her mouth. When she put the lid back on and pushed it to one side it looked as if most of it was untouched. Norman was unsure if Dixie wasn't eating properly because of her grief over Jeff moving away or if she was punishing herself because of it. He thought about bringing the subject up with Dixie but he wasn't sure how to go about it. Norman hoped that Dixie would start eating properly again and that she was just grieving over losing Jeff. He had noticed that she was still wearing her wedding and engagement ring but they looked loose on her fingers, it was proof to him that she had lost weight.
Time on the shift passed slowly for Dixie, she thought about Jeff and about the people that she worked with. She'd noticed their looks of sympathy whenever she went near them, nobody mentioned Jeff, it was as if he had disappeared off the face of the Earth. Dixie went into the rec room and saw a young woman sat at one of the tables by herself, she had come in here to introduce herself to Jeff's replacement. The woman looked up and then at the badges sewn into the epaulettes on her shoulder. 'You must be Dixie, I'm Polly Emmerson.'
'Hello Polly.'
'The others have told me so much about you.'
'Like what?' Dixie wondered what people had told Polly, was she the source of their gossip? Did they all pity her, had they told Polly about the arguments that they'd overheard coming from her office? Had they told her all about Jeff leaving? 'Just that you're a good boss to work for, that's all.'
'Oh, okay.' Dixie wasn't sure what else to say, she didn't know if Polly was telling the truth or not but she wanted to believe that her life wasn't open to public scrutiny. Dixie tried to put her duty manager's head on, she wasn't really up to it but it had to be done. 'If you need anything or have any questions then you know where my office is.'
'Thanks Dixie, maybe we'll get to work together one day.'
'Maybe.' Dixie put on her best fake smile and then left the rec room.
The time came for Dixie to do some work in her office and she looked in her drawer for a pen, her hand brushed against something and she picked it up. It was a bar of chocolate, she vaguely remembered Jeff buying it her for getting through one of the budget meetings, she had obviously forgotten about it and it had remained in the drawer until now. Dixie sighed, why was she reminded of Jeff wherever she went? Was someone trying to punish her? Was it someone's idea of a joke? Dixie threw the bar in the bin along with the rest of her emergency stash of chocolate that she kept in the office. Her determination to lose weight was still there, she had lost some weight so far, her uniform was beginning to feel loose and she'd had to buckle her belt up tighter when she got dressed this morning. Dixie sighed, the chocolate that she had just found was still on her mind. Who would buy her chocolate now? Norman? He was a nice man but he wasn't Jeff and there was a part of her that was crying out for him to come back and hold her no matter how hard she tried to push that part of herself down.
Dixie sat back at her desk and tried her best to concentrate on her work but memories of Jeff kept creeping into her mind. She wasn't even aware that she was crying until the tears started dripping onto her desk. Dixie lowered her head to top of her desk and just let her tears fall. 'Jeffrey,' she whispered. 'I miss you, everywhere I go there are things that remind me of you, please come home.' She cried harder and wished that she could call Jeff and tell him to come home to her, she wasn't angry any more about anything that he had said to her, she just wanted him to come home and hold her. Dixie knew that her heart could only be healed by Jeff but it was too late, he had gone, he was in London and he wasn't coming back. The broken pieces of her heart shattered that little bit more and fresh tears travelled their way down her face. 'Jeff, my Jeffrey, I love you.' Dixie knew that it was in vain and he couldn't hear her but she had to say it. She wiped her eyes and looked at herself in the little mirror that was with her hairbrush, she looked tired, pale and the redness around her eyes stood out even more now that she had been crying again. How was she going to live without her Jeffrey?
Norman stood outside of Dixie's office door, he heard her crying from where he was stood and changed his mind instantly about going in. Dixie was a very private person and she wouldn't want anyone to know that she had been crying. Norman sighed, what was he going to do? It was obvious to him that Dixie needed Jeff, he was the only person that would be able to heal Dixie and make her feel better again. He backed away from Dixie's door, it didn't feel right to listen to her while she was so upset, she needed time alone and Norman wanted to give her some privacy. He felt sorry for her, losing Jeff had made Dixie so unlike herself. Norman was trying his best to look out for Dixie and make sure that nothing happened to her when she was on a shout. Treating patients was the only time that Dixie seemed a little more like herself again.
The time came for Dixie to go home and she turned out the lights in her office, she locked the door and picked up her stuff from her locker. She was making her way out of the station when Norman stopped her. 'Dixie, everyone is going for drink, do you want to come?'
'No thanks Norman, I have to get home and walk Little Abs.'
'Of course, very well, I will see you tomorrow Dixie.'
'See you tomorrow Norman.' Dixie put her fake smile on for Norman and then left the station, she hadn't told him a complete lie, she did have to get home and walk Little Abs but she wasn't in the mood for seeing the sympathetic looks from everyone in the department. She had put up with the smiles and people asking her if she was all right all day and she just wanted to get away from it. Dixie drifted off throughout the journey home, the bus was empty and there was nobody to disturb her. She got off not far from the house and walked through the cold streets, even though it was April there were still cold nights and tonight was one of them.
Dixie was greeted by Little Abs when she opened the door. 'Hello mate.' She saw him look behind her for Jeff and she lowered her head, Little Abs obviously missed Jeff and wanted him back too. 'Sorry mate, he's not here, it's just me.' She picked up the lead and clipped it onto Abs' collar. 'Come on mate, let's go.' Dixie shivered as she stepped out into the cold air once again, she didn't like being out at night on her own but Abs needed to be walked and there wasn't anyone else to do it. Jeff popped into her head again, they would walk Abs together at night and she'd always took comfort from his warmth and closeness. Dixie swallowed back the tears that threatened to spill down her face, she couldn't cry in the middle of the street, she found herself wandering down the street until she reached the field at the end of the street. Dixie found herself remembering walking Abs with Jeff here, she had worried that something would go wrong and they'd end up hating each other. He had reassured her that it wouldn't happen, but, it had, except she didn't hate Jeff. Did he hate her for not stopping him leaving? Dixie hoped that Jeff didn't hate her, she was still in love with him, she looked around her and realised that it had got dark while she had been thinking. 'Come on mate,' she said to Little Abs. 'It's time to go home, it's getting dark.' Dixie wasn't in a hurry to go back to the house that was so empty and lifeless without Jeff in it but she didn't want to stand around in the cold either. Dixie breathed deeply and turned around, she slowly started walking back the way she came, she wasn't looking forward to spending the evening on her own and cooking just for herself again. Maybe she would heat up the leftovers from the other day, she had made a double portion and had to freeze it. Dixie felt her heart sink as she opened the door to the house and all that was there to greet her was silence.