Title: In Your Eyes

Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP

Rating: M

Pairing: ?/?

Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?

Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.

Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1 and Carlykinz for your reviews and comments, enjoy the chapter...

Chapter Thirty-One.

'I would like to thank you all for coming today, even though I am the last person you think should be standing here talking to you after everything I have said and done.' Jeff started his talk looking out over his friends, colleagues and family. It was so sad that he was seeing them again under the current circumstances, he knew they hated him for what he put Dixie through, he couldn't blame them, but, he needed them right now, now more than ever.

The past three weeks had been a complete blur for him, he had no idea what the day was any more or what he should be doing, he couldn't function properly. He looked over at his nephew, Jamie, sat in the front row trying to give him encouragement in the form of a smile, he knew more than anyone how hard Jeff was finding his life now. Jeff took a deep breath before he turned once more to address those gathered.

'I can remember the first time Dixie and I met, I called her princess and she nearly bit my head off. I was a bit of an idiot that day, I was trying to impress her, I honestly thought I could wrap her around my finger you know. How wrong I was. I don't think it helped that I asked for photographic evidence of her being a lesbian, maybe not the wisest of moves I made on my first day. I never realised back then that I would end up marrying and loving the woman so much. Dixie always wore the trousers in our friendship and relationship, I lived under the thumb. I wouldn't have had it any other way mind you.'

Jeff looked over at the coffin that was in the middle feeling tears falling down his face as he thought back over their first meeting and how far they had come together since then. He couldn't believe that he would be coming back to Holby to speak at her funeral; he didn't even get the chance to apologise for what he had said to her, to tell her that he loves her unconditionally and forever. Jeff knew he would never get that chance again; Dixie died thinking that he hated her, thinking that he didn't love her or care for her any more. How wrong she was.

The phone call came out of the blue, Jeff remembered the day well. He had just finished another round of night shifts and had gone home to get some sleep; he had finally drifted off clutching Dixie's scarf before he was woken by his ring tone blasting through the silent flat. 'Jeff, its Tess.'
'What's wrong?' Jeff asked, panic and worry evident in his voice.
'It's Dixie, she is in hospital and you are down as her next of kin, I need you to come back to Holby.'

'Tess…..Tess…. what happened to her? Please tell me.' Jeff was becoming frantic with worry, surely Dixie was fine and it was nothing to worry about? 'Jeff, we can talk more when you get here, but, we do need you here.' And with that, Tess was gone.

Jeff sat in his bed not knowing what to do, his mind was racing with a million thoughts and scenarios as to why Dixie could be in hospital, nothing made sense. He got up and threw on some clothes grabbing his keys, phone and her scarf before racing out of the door and back to Holby. En route, he tried to call Norman, but just kept on getting his voicemail, he even tried phoning Jamie, but, again, nothing. The silence was worrying Jeff no end, what had happened to Dixie?

Nothing in his wildest dreams prepared him for what he was hit with as he arrived at the hospital and no amount of preparation prepared him for having to talk about his best friend, his wife and lover at her funeral. Jeff took another deep breath before he started speaking once more.

'Dixie was a lovely person, yeah, she had a big mouth and would often say what she was thinking. You always knew when she was in a good mood or when you needed to stay away and hide in some remote cave off the Gulf of Mexico or something.' Jeff sniggered as the congregation laughed and nodded in agreement. 'She was never one for beating around the bush was my Dixie, if it had to be said, she would say it, Louise will tell you, she was on the receiving end of Dixie's mood numerous times.' Jeff looked over at the young receptionist who smiled and nodded in his direction before wiping her own eyes.

Again, Jeff found himself staring at the coffin that contained the body of his wife, his lover, his soul mate and thought back over all the times he had kept his distance when she went off on one about Louise. He had lost count of the nights and days she would moan about Miss Goody two Shoes as she called her, Jeff realised that he would never hear her voice again, he would do anything to hear her Northern tones once more. He wanted more than anything for Dixie to jump out of the Coffin, make everyone jump and talk to him, he didn't care if she shouted at him, as long as he could hear her voice once more.

'Dixie loved her job, she was always such a caring person, no matter who you were, she would drop things instantly and be there to help and support everyone. She did it with me often enough. Dixie was never one to talk about her past or her upbringing, I only know so much about it myself. She was an only child, I can remember asking her if it bothered her and if she missed not having brothers or sisters, she would always tell me that she was fine with it and it never bothered her in the slightest. She worried though, she was always wondering what her parents would be thinking of her as they looked over her from above.' Jeff looked up at the ceiling as if to talk to Dixie, 'you are with them now my beautiful Princess and I bet they are proud of who you became, I know I am and always will be.'

Jeff continued to choke back the tears, he had to remain strong and calm, but, it was all becoming too much for him, he needed her right now, he needed her to come running down the aisle and fall into his arms. He had let her down so much, if anyone deserved to be in the coffin, it was him, not her.

'Jeff, I need you to sit down and listen to me carefully.' Zoe spoke calmly as she directed Jeff to the relatives room where Norman and Jamie were already sat. 'Dixie was on a shout with Norman when she was hit by a van driving at full speed down the interchange. The driver simply ignored the police stop signs and ploughed straight into her as she ran across the carriageway to get to the ambulance.'

'I tried to revive her Jeff, I really did try.' Norman interjected, voice shaking with emotion as Jamie placed his hand on the man's shoulder to comfort him. 'Jeff, I am so sorry, there was nothing we could have done for Dixie, she died instantly.' Jeff started to shake his head in disbelief, Dixie wasn't dead, she couldn't be dead,
'No, Zoe, she can't be, please tell me she isn't… oh God…. No, not my Dixie, please not my Dixie.' Jeff shouted as tears overcame him, his Dixie really was gone; he was never going to get her back.
'I know I should be talking about her life and what she did, but, I want to talk about Dixie and what she has left behind.'

Jeff continued as strongly as he could after recalling the moment he was told that his precious princess was no longer with him. 'When we married, it was never romantic, it was more companionship, this woman meant the world to me and still does. Our relationship changed a few months ago, we became lovers and it was perfect. You all know what happened to break us up and you all know what I said to her when we fell out. I was an idiot, trust me, no one with their words or actions could hurt me any more than I am already hurting inside right now. I will never get to see my Dixie again, I will never be able to hold her hand again, cuddle her, kiss her, talk to her, have her in my home, work with her or make love to her again. I have lost the person who meant everything and more to me, she is missing from all our lives now. She has touched us all in so many ways over the years, as much as she infuriated us with her singing and dancing at the pub or her loud laugh as she raced through the ED, she was special, no, is special. Words will never describe how we are all feeling right now, how I am feeling right now. '

Jeff turned to face the coffin once more stepping away from the lectern to stand next to it placing his hand on it looking into Dixie's eyes on the photo that was displayed on top of it. Jeff made no effort to stop sobbing, he didn't care that they were all hearing him, he needed to say it, he wanted to say it. 'Dixie, my beautiful Dixie, you didn't deserve this, you didn't deserve to be taken from this world and me so cruelly. I never told you this to your face when you were still with us, and I hope to God you can hear me now. I love you so much Princess, always have and always will. I will never replace you, I could never replace you. I am so sorry for everything I said to you, sorry for moving to London and not having the courage to call you. I didn't mean anything I said to you, I wish I could take it all back, turn back time, maybe if I could, you would still be here with me and none of this would be happening. Dixie, my Dixie, please don't leave me. I can't cope without you; I need you to come back to me Dix, please. PLEASE.' Jeff collapsed onto the floor sobbing uncontrollably as Jamie stood up and walked over to his Uncle guiding him back to his seat.

Jeff couldn't look any more as Dixie's coffin disappeared from view; he didn't even take in what people were saying to him as Jamie led him out of the crematorium into the fresh air. Jeff didn't want to look at all the flowers that had been laid out for Dixie, he couldn't bring himself to. He wanted her back, he needed her back. He spent days wandering around the home he used to share with her, he didn't know what to do with himself, everywhere he went reminded him of Dixie, reminded him of the fact that she was no longer there, he was well and truly alone. Everyday Jeff would visit Dixie at the cemetery, he would just sit on the grass in front of her rose bush and plaque talking to her, telling her about what he had been doing, what Abs was up to, how much he misses her, how much he loves her and wants her back. Jeff would often lay on the ground looking up at the sky wondering if Dixie was looking down on him, whether she was still upset with him.

He wondered if she would want to see him again when it was his time to leave this earth, he hoped and prayed that they would be united again. Each and every time, fresh tears would fall from his eyes, he wasn't complete without Dixie, he needed her. Why did this have to happen to his princess?

Jeff sat bolt upright in his bed, tears streaming down his face sobbing into a silent room, he turned immediately to his right to wake Dixie up, but his hand fell onto an empty space beside him, Dixie wasn't there. Jeff turned on the bedside lamp shaking uncontrollably before looking around. Where was he? He didn't recognise where he was? His whole body was shaking, tears were falling, and that was one hell of a nightmare. It was so vivid, so real that it really frightened him and made him think of Dixie now more than ever. Was she safe? Who was protecting her? Jeff remembered where he was, what had happened. He was in his flat in London, it was all a dream, but, too close to reality for his liking. He tried to calm his breathing down before looking at the clock – 7.30am.

His heart stopped as his mobile started to ring out, Jeff stared at the screen, it was Tess. 'Oh God, no, please no.' Fear gripped him instantly, was his dream about to come true? Jeff shakily picked up his mobile, pressing the answer button before bringing it up to his ear. 'Jeff, its Tess.'
'What's wrong?' Jeff asked, panic and worry evident in his voice.
'It's Dixie, she is in hospital and you are down as her next of kin, I need you to come back to Holby.'

'Tess…..Tess….what happened to her? Please tell me.' Jeff was becoming frantic with worry, surely Dixie was fine and it was nothing to worry about? His dream cannot be coming true can it?
'Jeff, we can talk more when you get here, but, we do need you here.' And with that, Tess was gone.