Title: In Your Eyes

Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP

Rating: M

Pairing: ?/?

Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?

Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.

Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444, olivia. c. king1, Carlykinz and Sarahloulabellx for your reviews and your patience in waiting for this chapter.

Chapter Thirty-Three.

Jeff remained sitting bolt upright in his bed; he was still holding his mobile phone shaking uncontrollably. Surely his dream wasn't about to come true, surely Dixie wasn't dead; she couldn't be dead – could she? Jeff really didn't know what to think, he didn't know what to do. He wanted to run back to Holby and be with her, but, at the same time, if she had died, he didn't think he would be strong enough to deal with it, he didn't want to deal with it.
It took Jeff a few minutes to calm himself down, he wasn't thinking logically and he had to. He couldn't help it; his mind was on one thing, and one person only, Dixie. Was she all right? Would I be able to speak to her and tell her how much I love her? Jeff felt fresh tears threatening to fall, what if she had died, or, what if she died before he got back to Holby, would she ever know how much he was sorry and how much he loves her?

'Pull yourself together Jeffrey, your Dixie needs you.' He said to himself out into his empty bedroom. No matter what was awaiting him back in Holby, he knew he needed to go and get there quickly. Jeff had a chance to put things right and he was going to take it. There was a risk Dixie would reject him once he got there, but, he was hoping she wouldn't, he needed her, he wanted her.

Jeff had four days off work, so, he didn't need to arrange cover just yet, he had enough time to make it to Holby and then he would see what needed to be done once he was there. Jeff jumped out of his bed and threw on some clothes before flinging more into a small suitcase along with the essentials; he intended on staying in Holby for the next few days, so, would need something to wear. The last thing Jeff picked up before he walked out of his flat was Dixie's scarf; he would keep this close to him throughout his journey back to his Dixie.

The drive back was long, he wanted to speed it up, but, it seemed everyone was out to get him and driving really slowly as if they were stopping him getting back in time. Jeff tried calling Norman on his hands free but got no answer, this only served to panic him even more. He even tried calling Tess again, but, she wasn't picking up either. He had one more number to try; surely someone would pick up and talk to him?

'Holby ED can I help you?'
'Louise, Louise its Jeff.' He shouted at the phone that was hanging in its cradle on the dashboard.
'Oh, hello Jeffrey, what can I do for you?' She replied coldly.
'Tess called me, she said Dix is there, Louise, is she OK?'
'What do you think? Would she be admitted to an ED if she was OK?'
'Shit Louise, don't mess me around, tell me what is going on.' Jeff demanded.
'All I know is that she is here and is being treated, I can't tell you any more than that.'
'What the fuck do you mean you can't tell me any more? I am her fucking husband.' Jeff bellowed at his phone which almost fell out of the cradle at the force of his tone.
'Some husband you turned out to be, what you did to her was unforgivable. I know I am not her biggest fan, but, it was uncalled for Jeff.'
'Louise stop with the act and tell me what is going on with My Dixie.'
'Sorry Jeff, Tess says you will be told when you get here. I presume you are on your way?'
'Yes I am.' And with that, Jeff hung up cursing at the receptionist. She was right, what sort of Husband was he to do what he did to his wife? He felt bad enough without her rubbing it in.

This conversation only served to panic him even more; he had to get back to her and quickly. He couldn't understand why they wouldn't tell him over the phone, they only did that if something serious had happened. He could feel the lump forming in his throat again, she had to be all right. Jeff pleaded with the man upstairs to let his Dixie still be alive; he didn't want his dream to become a reality.
Jeff didn't stop at any service station ignoring his need for the toilet and need for caffeine, if he stopped he would be delayed and anything could happen to Dixie in that time, he wasn't prepared to take the risk.

Jeff raced through the ED entrance running straight up to reception where Noel was, Jeff was glad Louise wasn't there, he couldn't face her right now without lashing out. 'Noel, mate, where is Tess and where is Dix?'
'Ah, came back did you?'
'Noel, I haven't got time for, nor am I in the mood for your wise cracks. Now, where are Tess and My Dixie?'
'HDC.' As soon as this word left his mouth, Jeff was gone and through the doors heading straight for HDC. He felt slightly relieved, he knew from that that Dixie was alive, but she must be in a bad way to be in HDC. He still had no idea what had happened to Dixie and it frightened him considerably. As he rounded the corner, Jeff bumped into Dylan.

'Ah, Mr Collier, the wanderer returns I see.'
'Umm, Yeah.'
'Right, well Mrs Collier is in HDC, she hasn't yet come round and we are monitoring her closely.'
'What do you mean hasn't yet come round, Dylan, what's going on with my wife?'
'Concerned are you? Something pulling at your conscience is there?'
'Dylan, please.' Jeff could feel everyone looking at him, he could sense their looks of disappointment and anger towards him, he knew he wasn't Mr Popular at the moment, nevertheless, he pleaded all the same.

'She has low levels of potassium; I think that her dramatic decrease in weight over such a short space of time caused her to black out. She was found by one of your colleagues at the back of the Ambulance station, no one knows how long she was there for. Anyway, we have her on a potassium replacement treatment plan at the moment, we are aiming to replace and restore her levels over the next six hours. As I am sure you are aware, there is a risk that Mrs Collier…'
'Dixie Dylan, her name is Dixie.' Jeff interrupted, he always hated how cold Dylan sounded when he talked about patients, especially when he knew Dixie reasonably well. 'Yes, well, as I was saying. Mrs Collier could go into cardiac arrest if we replace her potassium too quickly. She is very poorly Mr Collier and needs close monitoring. Tess is with her in HDC. If you want to go in and see her, by all means do so.' Dylan swiftly turned on his heel and walked off leaving Jeff stood there trying to digest and take in everything he had said to him. Dixie had gone for the dieting, Jeff knew she would have done, but, what did he mean by a drastic weight loss, what had she done to herself? Jeff felt his guilt returning, if only I hadn't have said she could stand to lose a few pounds, she wouldn't be in this situation, it is my entire fault yet again. Do I really deserve her love and forgiveness now?

Jeff slowly walked in the direction of HDC stopping just outside the door, he saw Tess sat in a chair holding Dixie's hand rubbing it softly; she was keeping a close eye on the drip and monitors. Jeff looked at the form on the bed, she was in a hospital gown with her uniform folded neatly on the stool beside her, Jeff felt physically sick as he saw drips and monitors all hooked up to his Dixie, she wasn't well and it was all his doing.

Taking a deep breath, Jeff pushed open the door and stepped in causing Tess to look up and raise a small smile. Jeff just kept his eyes fixed on Dixie as he gingerly walked up to the opposite side of the bed being careful not to knock the wires. She had lost weight; she had lost a shed load of weight. Her face was thinner, her cheek bones were more defined and her neck was smaller. Jeff looked at the bags under her eyes and her pale complexion. He noticed that her hair hadn't been coloured but had grown considerably longer. He was lost for words; he didn't know what to say as he traced a pattern over her body with his eyes, everything about her was that much smaller. 'Dix, what have you done to yourself?' Jeff whispered as he rubbed small circles on her left hand noticing the absence of her wedding and engagement rings.

'Jeff, Dixie is very poorly right now, we are doing everything we can for her, but, it is going to be a little while before we see any improvement.' Tess said as sympathetically as she could. She knew what Jeff had done and as much as she wanted to give him a piece of her mind, she could see in his eyes how much he was hurting, how much he had been hurting, that was punishment enough. 'Who found her?' Jeff whispered not taking his eyes off Dixie.
'Norman did, he is very worried about Dixie, he has been for a while. We both have.'
'Tess, what have I done?'
'You were angry Jeff, we all say things we don't mean when we are angry.'
'But, she took what I said to the letter, I told her she could do with losing some weight and she goes and does this.'
'You cannot blame yourself for everything Jeff. Dixie knew what she was doing, she isn't silly, but, she wasn't thinking straight.'
'I can't think straight, I haven't been able to think straight for months.'

Tess sighed, she could clearly see his emotions written all over his face, he was struggling, 'Jeff, come and sit here, you can hold her hand and be closer to her.' Tess got up from the chair and guided the man over to it making sure he was sat comfortably with Dixie's hand firmly in his own. Tess looked at the couple, she could see how much love Jeff still had for her, she had the perfect opportunity to get him to open up, if he still wanted Dixie, she would help them get back together.
Taking a second chair, Tess sat next to Jeff and looked over him as he looked down on Dixie, tears were already streaming down his face, he was finding this so very hard. 'Jeff, do you love her?' Tess asked softly, she didn't know why she had asked that question first, but, it was out in the open now, the answer he gave would be a sign as to what she would need to do next.

Jeff nodded as he tried to swallow back more tears that were already on the verge of spilling down his face.
'Tell me what you are thinking.'
'That she doesn't deserve me being here, not after what I said and did.'
'Go on, tell her.'
'I don't think I can Tess.' Jeff said looking over at the Sister, eyes watering.
'Yes you can Jeff, she is sleeping, tell her what you are thinking, how you are feeling.'
Jeff turned back to look at the woman he called his wife, the woman who meant so much to him, the woman he loved more than words could every describe, the woman he had let down, the woman he had hurt with his words. If he was going to do it, he needed to start, now seemed like the right time.

'Dixie, my beautiful Dixie, I love you so much Princess, please don't leave me, please wake up and let me help you to get better. I am so sorry Dix, so very sorry. I don't think I can quite put into words how I am feeling about now. I would do anything to have you wake up and look at me. I would do anything Dix to see your deep blue eyes once more, hear your voice once more, I really would.'

Jeff felt Tess' comforting hand on his arm as he looked down to the floor letting out sobs; it took him a few minutes to compose himself once more before he could continue. 'I love her Tess, always have and always will. She is my world, my everything and my stupid words spoilt the best relationship I have ever had. She made me feel loved, made me feel special, I can't lose her, but I just don't know if she will want me back, if she will let me make it up to her.'
'Jeff, Dixie is madly in love with you, she hasn't been the same since you left. She is quiet, hasn't smiled, lost all this weight, she isn't herself without you. It is obvious she is hurting and wants you back, you two simply cannot cope without each other. You are always together; we would never see one of you without the other. Jeff, what do you want right now?'
'For my Dix to wake up, for her to be better, for her to forgive me, hold me and kiss me. I want to feel her arms around me, I want her to hold me close and tell me she wants me back. Tess, I want to come back, I don't want to be in London any more, my life is here with Dixie, I love her so much….' Jeff broke down once more moving over to bury his head into Dixie's side placing her arm around his neck as best as he could. She couldn't hug him back, but he could feel her on him which only served to make him cry even more as he realised just how much he had missed her touch on his skin. Tess watched him once more, he was an emotional wreck, she knew what she had to do and she needed to do it sooner rather than later. 'Jeff, let me help you.'
'How?' He asked not moving his head from Dixie's side taking in her scent once more.
'Do you trust me to do the right thing by you and Dixie?'
Jeff nodded.
'Back in a minute OK?'

Tess got up and left Jeff with Dixie, she stood at the door watching the broken man cry into his wife's body as he rubbed circles on her arm and hand. She stood and listened to him telling her how much he loves her, it pulled at her heart strings, Jeff needed help, Dixie needed help and she was the one that would do just that.