Title: In Your Eyes
Authors: Raven Shadowrose/BeethovenRIP
Rating: M
Pairing: ?/?
Summary: A joint FanFic by Raven Shadowrose and BeethovenRIP based on Dixie and Jeff's conversation at the end of Series 26 Episode 36. We have rated it M as future chapters will contain adult themes. Dixie wants to be a mother and Jeff is all too willing to oblige, but, does their conversation in the ED have an unexpected effect on their relationship?
Disclaimer: The authors do not know or own any characters or content from Casualty, any original characters and the story are ours and we do not give permission for anyone to use the story or reproduce it.
Author's Note: Thank you to chan. nelson4444 and Carlykinz for your reviews, enjoy the chapter.
Chapter Thirty-Eight.
Jeff sat on the sofa in the lounge, he was on the last day of his time off and he was going to have to go back to London this evening as he had a shift in the morning. He was trying not to think about it, he didn't want to leave Dixie alone. Jeff didn't know how him going back to London was going to make Dixie feel. He sighed, he was going to have to talk to Dixie about everything and what they were going to do now. Jeff had been putting off talking about it as it would make it real that he was going to have to leave Dixie and go back to London by himself. Dixie came in and snuggled up to Jeff, he stroked her hair and then kissed her head. Jeff was feeling guilty, he had left Dixie once and now he was going to have to do it again. 'Dixie, we need to talk.'
'I know. You're going to have to go back to London.' Jeff heard the sadness in Dixie's voice.
'I am coming back, as soon as I can.'
'You promise?'
'I promise. I'm not going back because I want to, I am going back because I have to, for now.'
'I know, you have a job to do.'
'I am going to come back to Holby as soon as I can.'
'Jeff, there isn't a place for you on the team, when Polly started working here she took your place.'
'I've thought it through. I can join an agency that supplies paramedics to stations that need them.'
'Do you think that we can afford it?'
'As long as we're careful and don't go too daft with money. If it doesn't work and we struggle then I can always work as a dispatcher.'
'I can't imagine you working at ambulance dispatch.'
'If I had to then I would, I will do anything so that I can come home to you and Little Abs.'
'You were born to be a paramedic Jeff, I can't ask you to give that up for me.'
'Dix, being a paramedic is my life but you mean more to me.' Jeff stroked Dixie's hair again, he meant everything that he had said to her, he would do whatever it took so that he could come home to Dixie and be with her again.
Dixie snuggled into Jeff's arms, it was going to be hard to let him go when the time came for him to return to London. 'Jeff, you could always work for the agency and a position at Holby might open up.'
'I'm not sure that everyone will want me back on the team, I know that they hate me for leaving and for everything else too.' Jeff sighed and Dixie looked at him.
'What's wrong?'
'I'm angry at myself, if only I had been honest with you about Tamzin, the kiss and the migraine then none of this would have happened. I wasn't honest with you and we ended up fighting. I wish that I could change everything. If I had told you everything then you wouldn't have ended up in hospital. It is my fault, I am to blame, I should have told you that you were beautiful and instead I destroyed your confidence and made you ill. I am not surprised that they hate me.'
'Jeff, it is in the past, I said things too.'
'I am going to spend every minute making it up to you, whatever I have to do.'
'I don't need you to do that Jeff, I just need you.'
'I want to, Dixie, I let you down.' Dixie put her hands on top of Jeff's and she squeezed them gently.
'Jeff, please can we leave what happened in the past? I want to start over and draw a line under everything.'
'Okay, I understand, I think. You want us to begin again.'
'I do. I know that it is going to take time and there are things that we have to work through but I want us to succeed. If we keep thinking about what happened then we won't be able to move on with our lives.'
'All right, we'll start over.' Dixie smiled at Jeff and kissed him gently.
'Thank you.' Dixie snuggled back up to Jeff, she was going to make the most of the time she had with Jeff while he was here.
Jeff went into his room, Dixie hadn't lied when she said that his was the only room that she hadn't changed. He had noticed all of the redecorating that she had done and all of the moving around of furniture and so on. Living here alone must have been hard for her, the memories were hard enough for him and he wasn't living in the house that they had shared together for years. Just being here brought all of his memories flooding back, what must it have been like for Dixie living with those memories all of the time that she was alone? They had spent some time putting all of the pictures of them back on the walls and above the fireplace. Jeff sighed, leaving was going to hurt and he wasn't sure if it was going to hurt himself or Dixie more. He didn't want to go, he was tempted to phone his boss in London and say that he wasn't coming back but that probably wasn't the best idea if he wanted to get a job with the agency. He was going to have to do things by the book and go about it the proper way.
Dixie sat in the kitchen with Little Abs, Jeff was going around the house, she could hear his footsteps as he walked about. She wanted to give Jeff some time alone with his memories before she went upstairs and talked to him again. Dixie sighed and scratched Little Abs' head, he had been quiet and not like his usual self. 'You know that Jeff is leaving, don't you? He's coming back again but for now he has to go. Everything is going to be all right, I promise.' Dixie rested her hands on the tabletop, would she manage while Jeff was gone? She was going to miss him he left, she would be counting down the days until Jeff came back to live with her again. Dixie listened carefully, Jeff's footsteps had gone quiet, wherever he was he had been there for a while. Dixie stood up, she was going to go to him and see where he was. It was nearly time for Jeff to leave and Dixie wanted to spend the last bit of time that he was here with him.
Jeff pushed open the door to Dixie's room and he sat down in the stool that was in front of her dressing table, his bag was sat by the bed and he looked into the mirror that sat on the table. Jeff remembered that he had sat here when he was leaving for London the last time, he just wanted to see the room where he had made love to the woman that he loves. Jeff took Dixie's scarf out of his bag and he held it gently in his hands; all of her scent had gone from it but he had still held it close to him every night as he went to sleep. He would do the same when he went back to London, it was the only thing that had got him through the nights and he hoped that it would do so again. Jeff looked around the room, all of the gifts that he had bought for Dixie had been put back in their rightful places. He felt lucky, Dixie could have told him that she didn't want to see him again, he wouldn't have blamed her if she had done that. Jeff shook his head; he had promised Dixie that they would draw a line under everything that had happened and start again.
Dixie stood outside of her door, she heard Jeff moving around inside and she wondered if she should disturb him or not, she took a breath and then opened the door. Jeff was sat at her dressing table and he was holding something in his hands. Dixie just watched him for a little while and she committed everything about him to her memory. 'Jeff,' she said softly and he turned around to look at her, she noticed the sad look in his eyes and it made her feel it too. 'Jeff,' she repeated, there were many things that she wanted to say but she was finding it hard to express them.
'I know princess.' Dixie weakly smiled at Jeff. 'Do you want your scarf back?'
'You keep it, maybe it will help you while you're away.'
'I am coming back princess.'
'I know you are, you promised me.' Dixie went over to Jeff and put her arms around him, there were many things that she wanted to say to him but all of them would make it harder for Jeff to leave. Dixie picked up her bottle of perfume off the table, she sprayed her scarf and then she put the bottle into Jeff's hands. 'Dixie, what are you doing?'
'At least when the smell wears off you will be able to renew it.'
'I love you Dixie.'
'I love you too Jeff.' Dixie moved her arms away from Jeff and he put the scarf and perfume into his bag. Dixie watched Jeff moving around and putting the rest of his things away, it was becoming all too real that he was going back to London.
Jeff made sure that he had everything in his bag, he looked through it and then he took out one of his shirts and handed it to Dixie. 'What's this for?'
'I have something to remember you by, it is only fair that you have the same.'
'Thank you.' Dixie held Jeff's shirt in her arms and she cuddled into him as he put his arms around her. 'What happens now?'
'I'll apply to the agency and when I get confirmation through that I can start with them I will hand in my notice.'
'Okay.' Jeff sighed, he was putting off leaving as he knew it was going to be hard, but, the time had come and he knew that he couldn't put it off any longer. He gently untangled himself from Dixie's arms and he picked up his bag. Jeff tried to keep his composure, it would be harder for Dixie to let him go if he didn't.
Dixie followed Jeff downstairs and he turned to face her when he reached the bottom. 'Dixie, I... I...'
'I know.' She felt herself pulled into Jeff's arms and he placed a kiss on her head. Dixie took comfort from Jeff's arms around her and holding her close.
'Princess, you will remember your promise to me, won't you? You will stop losing weight, right?'
'I promise, once in hospital was enough for me.'
'Okay.' Dixie felt her head tilted up and then Jeff's lips on hers, she kissed him back and put her hands on his arms. Jeff pulled away and she looked into his eyes, she saw the sadness in them again and Dixie knew that she had the same look in hers. 'Dixie, I don't want to go.'
'I don't want you to go either.'
'I have to, I will phone you every day and we will talk.'
'Okay.' Jeff stroked Little Abs and knelt down beside him.
'Look after your mummy for me until I get back.' Dixie tried to blink back the tears that were forming in her eyes. 'Princess, I'm sorry.'
'It's okay, you'll be back.' Dixie swallowed and she felt Jeff wipe away the tears that were now falling down her face.
'It's not okay Dixie, I'm hurting you again.'
'Jeff, I'm sorry too, I should have believed you.'
'You believe me now, that is what matters.' Dixie reached up and gently brushed away the tears that Jeff was crying.
Jeff opened the door and he walked to the car, he put his bag in the back and then closed the door. He had tried to keep it together but he had failed, the tears were still falling down his face and the sorrow in his heart was threatening to spill over. Jeff turned to Dixie and then pulled her into his arms, he wanted to hold her in his arms one more time before he left. 'Dixie, I love you. I am coming back to you, I promise.'
'I love you too Jeff.' He heard the sorrow in Dixie's voice and he felt her tears soaking into his shirt. Jeff kissed Dixie's head and gently stroked her hair.
'Are you going to be all right? I'm worried about what this is doing to you Dixie.'
'I will be okay, I know that you're coming back to me. Just make sure that you call me when you get there, I need to know that my Jeffrey is safe.'
'I promise.'
'What about you? I know that you're upset Jeff, I can see your tears and hear the sadness in your voice. I love you and I know that you will find this hard too.'
'I am sad but I know that I am coming back to you.'
'Me too.'
'I will call you the minute that I get back. I love you princess, I will see you soon.'
'See you soon.' Jeff kissed Dixie on the head and hugged her one last time, he got into the car and started the engine. Tears spilled down his face as he drove away from Dixie, he was going to miss her a lot until he got to be with her again.
Dixie stood watching Jeff drive away until the car turned the corner and was out of her sight. 'Drive safe Jeffrey, come back to me soon.' She went inside and sat down on the sofa, the house was quiet without Jeff in it, she was going to miss him. Dixie wiped away the tears that were falling from her eyes, she hugged Little Abs and buried her head into his warm fur. She tried not to look at the clock, it was going to be a while before Jeff was able to call her and she was going to find it difficult to wait for him. Dixie knew that this time apart was going to be difficult for them both, she took heart from knowing that Jeff loved her and he would be back with her as quickly as he could.