"Your Highness
Summary: After an emotional night of revealing secrets, and a bit of deflowering, Dwalin, and Fili find themselves in a love affair that defies all customs, and traditions of their people, let alone the royal family. Will Fili finally be able to break the chains of his birthright, or will tradition hold it's place above the matters of the heart? (DwalinXFili)
Chapter 5: The Birthday Celebration
As FIli walked down toward the drawbridge, he couldn't help but feel bad. He had promised he would stay away, and he had done well about keeping it. He knew that it would be down, and he would simply walk through it, but something about it just felt dishonest. He knew that once he stepped out on the structure, he would start having those dark thoughts. In fact, just imagining it in his mind, made them cloud his mind. He couldn't push the image of the large wooden slab tumbling to the ground above him. He felt his feet, even though he was walking, frozen in place, just watching, waiting for the impact, unable to move, or unwilling...
He shoved his hands in the pocket of Dwalin's coat, in an effort to shove the thoughts away. He stopped in place when he felt a cold... something touch his fingers in the left pocket. He stopped atop the drawbridge stairs, and pulled it out. It was a small, red, smooth rune stone. Fili ran his finger over the runes carved into it.
"Ukrati..." Fili read. It simply meant 'glory'.
He clasped his hand around it and held it to his chest.
"There you are!" Kili yelled from the middle of the massive staircase. "Come on! The snow is wondrous!"
Fili quickly slipped the stone back in his pocket, and headed down to his brother. Kili was absolutely correct. As soon as Fili stepped outside, he had to gasp. The mountains were lined with sparkling, white crystals, and the air was flurrying with flakes, either kicked up by the wind or falling from the sky, Fili wasn't sure. There was no sun, but he could tell where it was from the bright spot in the cloud cover. It was closing on mid-day.
Then he saw Kili move in the corner of his eye, but he knew he brother too well. He leaned back, and a snowball cascaded by his face, so close he felt the cold wind that rushed off of it. He turned and Kili was giggling, doing his best to make another before his brother had time to counter strike. Fili smiled brightly, loving his brother, and the snow. Forgetting for a moment, the grief it had caused him. He ran as Kili hummed another snowball, and it hit him in the right arm.
"Ha!" Kili yelled.
Fili turned, bent down and quickly scooped up two handfuls of snow. He pressed them together as Kili was grabbing his own ammunition. He threw it hard, aiming right for his brother's chest. Kili had just enough time to turn around, and the snow hit it's target, but right in the middle of his back. Kili turned, and without hesitation, let his own snowball fly from his hand. Fili ducked, and it flew over his head.
Fili kept leaning down, scooping up snow, and then backing up, and he found that he and his brother, both primed with fresh snowballs, were staring each other down, holding their fire for the moment.
"This one's coming for your head!" Kili yelled, side stepping slowly as if they were in a real battle, "You better give up now."
Fili mirrored his movements, packing his snowball in his hand, waiting for the right moment to strike. "Never. You never win this."
Kili was doing his best to scan the area, and aim his shot without Fili noticing, but Fili watched his eyes. Just as they froze, Fili moved. Kili swung his arm hard, and flung the snowball right at Fili's face. Fili slid down, like a baseball player stealing and base, and hummed his own.
Kili's flew about a foot over Fili's head, and Fili's connected perfectly right with Kili's left shoulder.
Kili grasped it as if he had been shot, and turned around, stomping the ground below him. He cursed in Khuzdul, and Fili stood quickly, arming himself, knowing better than to believe his brother would give up so easily. Kili turned, with a fire in his eyes, but a smile on his face. He started reaching down, and frantically heaving half snowballs at Fili.
He dodged them easily, and threw his, once again, connecting with his brother's chest. He ducked down, making a rather large, mean looking, snowball, and chucked it, without thought, as hard as he could. Fili ducked, and it missed him, but he stopped where he heard it connect with something. He turned quickly to see Thorin, standing with his hands on his hips, and snow falling from his chest.
Fili tried, he really did, but the giggle started in his throat and, soon, he was laughing. Thorin wiped the excess snow off of him, and Fili turned to see Kili hiding rather visibly behind a mound of snow, and Fili could tell he was covering his mouth, trying to stifle his laughter. When he figured he had himself under control, he stood and turned, but as soon as his eyes met Thorin's, he burst into more fits of giggles, and ducked back behind the snow mound.
Kili couldn't see, but Thorin shot a smirk at Fili.
Finally, Kili got up and rushed over, having to bite back his laughter. "I'm sorry, Uncle." He managed, "I didn't see you there."
Thorin just gave him that fatherly look, and turned back to Fili. "I just wanted to make sure you were enjoying your birthday, but I see you are." He shot Kili another look.
"Of course, Uncle."
"Very good, then. I'll be in the Great Hall seeing to the preparations." He gave his nephews a low bow, and they returned it. He turned and started walking, and the brothers waited until he was far enough away.
Fili turned with a bright smile on his face. "Did I say you never win at this? Guess I was wrong."
Kili threw his hands up and waved them as if clearing smoke from the air. "Oh Mahal, don't talk about it!"
"It was a good hit."
"I was aiming for you!"
"At least it didn't hit him in the head..."
Kili put his hands on the side of his head and shook it. Fili laughed at him, and placed his hand on his back. Kili turned to him, and smiled, then suddenly jumped on him, shoving him to the ground. The brothers tarted to laugh and wrestle around in the snow. Fili thought for a moment that it might ruin his clothes, but he didn't care. He was having fun, which was rare.
They rolled around, each of them gaining advantage over the other a few times. Finally, Fili managed to end up on top, holding his brother down by his wrists. They were both out of breath. "Give up?"
"Ok, ok. You win. Get off me, I'm getting soaked."
Fili stood and helped his brother up. They brushed the snow of themselves and each other.
"Where did you get this coat, Nadad? It can't be new."
"Oh..." Fili rushed to think of something that would make sense, "I just... found it in my wardrobe. It was just big enough to put on over mine."
"I don't really like it. It doesn't look good on you." Kili confessed. "Makes you look oddly shaped."
"Thanks..." Fili said sarcastically but Kili knew his comments wouldn't bother him. He looked over and noticed his younger brother shivering a bit. "Come on. Let's get cleaned up."
"And get some lunch!" Kili held his stomach as if he were starving.
Fili didn't really feel like lunch, besides he knew he would have a large dinner, and he knew if he hoped to eat anything then, he couldn't now. As they walked back up the massive staircase, the warmth rushed around them, ad it wasn't long into their journey to their rooms that Fili started to feel too warm. He slipped Dwalin's coat off and carried it over one arm. It was slightly damp, and Fili suddenly felt bad. He should have known better than to roll in the snow in a coat that didn't belong to him, but something told him Dwalin wouldn't mind. Still, he'd have it cleaned for him.
When they got to Kili's room, he turned to his brother. "I'm assuming you won't be coming to lunch."
"No. I'm not hungry. I'll be nearby, though."
Kili nodded to him, and walked to his room. He headed to his own, but thanks to the heaviness of Dwalin's coat, all he really had to do was tidy his braids. He went inside, and tossed Dwalin's coat on his bed, not really worried if seeped onto his sheets. He took his place in front of the mirror, and slowly and carefully, fixed his hair, replacing the matching beads. When he was satisfied with his job, he walked over to his window. He saw nothing but white, and he, once again, cursed his wish for snow. Maybe if he had left the weather to it's own, Dwalin would be there. If just he hadn't been so rushed for it.
He placed his hands on the glass shutters, and pushed them open. The cold air rushed in so quickly, Fili shivered. He placed his hands on the sill, and leaned out, in an effort to see the road better. Then that darker voice invaded his thoughts.
Look down.
He closed his eyes tightly, but didn't back away. He took a deep breath. He wanted to prove to himself that he could look out his own window without those thoughts taking him over. He wanted to show himself that it wasn't stronger than him. Yes, it was a part of him, but it didn't rule him.
Look down.
He opened his eyes and stared straight ahead. He knew he had to beat this. If he didn't, it was literally going to kill him one day. He tried to look in every direction, but down, trying to find something interesting enough to keep him from thinking of the ground, and the sheer distance between there and where he now stood...How easy it would be to just ... slip out. To loose himself in the air, and for that moment... that short time that it would take him to descend, he would have no care. No princely duty, no one to bow to, no one to answer for, no more outfits, and jewels, and riches being thrown at him, not more tradition, no more...
As he thought, he didn't notice, but suddenly his vision came into focus, and he was looking straight below him, staring, almost longingly, at the snow-covered ground below.
He tried desperately to pull his eyes away. If he had reacted the way he wanted, he would have jumped back from the window, but his body betrayed him, and just stood, frozen and staring. All kinds of sad, mournful thoughts flew his mind, and that darker part of him was almost trying to convince him to jump. It was telling him how much better off everyone would be. How they would be hurt, but only because they didn't understand, and eventually they would move on and Fili would be no more than a footnote in the histories. He didn't even want that.
He jumped so violently at the knock on his door, he almost tumbled out. He had to take a second to catch his breath, and close the window. He walked over and opened the door to see Thorin. Before Fili could even say anything, he pushed in and closed the door. As he turned to speak to him, but stopped when he saw his breath.
"It's cold in here." He said, and that was odd for Thorin. He normally enjoyed the cold more so than others. If he said it was cold, that it was cold.
"Sorry, I was just... looking out the window."
Thorin walked over and made sure it was closed and latched. Then turned back to Fili with that grave look he knew all too well.
"What's happened? " Fili asked before he had the chance to speak.
"It's Odin... He wants to see you. He knows today is your birthday."
Fili shuddered. "Well, I hate it for him. He gives me an odd feeling. I don't want to talk to him."
"I don't want you to. However, he is belligerent, and I fear he may harm himself, or worse. If you do not object, I'll allow you to speak with him. I hope it will pacify him until his representative can arrive."
Fili took a deep breath and placed his hands on his hips, but knew that Thorin's idea was a good one. They only had to oblige him for one more day, and Fili figured, with everything Dwalin was having to go through because of it, he could at least handle a conversation. "Fine..." he said finally, "If he asks me for courtship again, I'm punching him..."
"I won't be leaving the room."
With that, the two of them walked out and headed for the west wing. When they got to the door, Fili felt nervous. He could hear Odin yelling about being treated like a prisoner, and throwing things across the room. He wanted to rush in, and knock him out, make it so no one had to deal with his arrogant attitude until he was finally out of their hair, but he knew that wasn't really the point of why Thorin brought him there.
The guard opened the door, and he turned away from Thorin with a scoff. "What is it, now?"
"Fili will speak with you. I won't be leaving this time."
Odin turned around and it was like his whole personality changed. He noticed Fili, and dropped to a bow that he felt was much more suited for Thorin. "Your highness!" He bowed a second time, "May I say you look dashing? You are an absolute elegant center piece for the grand celebration I'm certain it will be."
Thorin turned and closed the door, and took his place beside it. He kept his hands clasped in front of him, and stood tall.
"What did you have to say?"
"I wanted to wish you fond greetings on your birthday." He bowed low once more, "Ênâd-nurt gêdul, Prince Fili of Erebor."
Fili bowed his head just a bit, never taking his eyes off of him. "Thank you. Are we done?"
"Almost." He turned and rummaged through the pile of items he had thrown around the room. He finally came to a small wooden box, and lifted it with a satisfied smile, and dusted it off, like he hadn't just found it in a pile of released anger. He walked over to Fili, who tried to stand his ground, but he must have made enough of a reaction for Odin to notice.
He gave him a hurt look. "Prince Fili, please. I'm merely trying to give you a gift." He held the box out to him. He turned to Thorin, but he didn't give much hint to whether or not he should take it. He simply watched Odin closely, and shifted uncomfortably. He looked back, and slowly took the box out of his hand.
He looked back up at Odin before opening it. "Go ahead, please." He encouraged. The box was an almost flat rectangle. It was made of a dark, shined cherry wood, with small hinges on the back, and a small clasp on the front. Fili slowly lifted the clasp with his thumb and opened the box.
He had to hold back and gasp, and make sure his eyes didn't grow at the sight in front of him. Lying inside the box was shining golden pendant. It was thick and large, and the chain was long. The pendant was slightly long, in the shape of outstretched, angelic wings with a large, perfect diamond in the middle.
Odin smiled as Fili marveled. "It's beautiful isn't it?"
Fili suddenly remembered who was offering it to him and shut the box loudly. He held it out to him. "I can't accept this."
"You can, and you will." He placed his hand on the box and pushed it back to Fili's chest, only taking his hand off of it when it made contact with him. "It would look much better on you than on me. It's for a certain type of dwarf. I'm not it."
Fili wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to accept any kind of gift from Odin, and give him the impression he felt anything towards him at all. Then again, it was rude to deny a gift, and the pendant was beautiful. He took a deep breath, battling with himself. Finally, he sat the box on the dresser beside him. "I'm sorry." He said, "I can't." He turned to go, but Odin's voice stopped him.
"Prince Fili, please. I want you to have it. A birthday gift. Forget everything that has been placed on my shoulders and simply accept my gesture. Do so, and I promise not to bother you, or your King, again until my name has been cleared."
Fili felt an odd feeling shoot through him at 'until my name is clear'. He lifted his eyes and they met Thorin's who was giving him an apologetic look. He obviously wasn't sure how to handle the situation either. He turned around with a sigh. He grabbed the box off the table. Actually, it was more of a snatch. "Thank you." He said, and gave a quick bow.
Odin returned it with a smile that sent chills through him. "I regret not being able to attend your celebration. As you can see..." He held his hands out to refer to the room, "I have some tidying up to do. I sincerely hope it is a pleasant one."
Fili turned, box in hand, and without another word left the room, with Thorin following closely behind.
Once outside, and walking quickly away from the room, Fili looked down at the box.
"What is it?" Thorin asked. Fili handed it to him. He gave him a look and opened it. His eyes opened wider and he looked up at Fili.
"I know..." Fili said, "It's beautiful, but it feels ... contaminated to me. I didn't want to take it. I could never wear it."
Thorin gave a bit of a sarcastic chuckle, and handed the box back to Fili. "He's certainly trying to woo you."
Fili let the chills take over him now, and shivered as if the cold wind had made it to his very bones. "Don't say that."
Thorin laughed. "Come. Push it from your mind. Your celebration is about to begin."
Fili smiled, and nodded. "Once I put this away, I'm ready."
"Good." Thorin said, and smiled. "I'll give the word."
...
After a bit of freshening up, and placing the box in his room, Fili stood outside the large golden doors to the Great Hall. He heard the bustle inside, and knew that the party was beginning, the only thing that was missing now, was him. He took a deep breath.
"Fili, my lad!"
He turned at Balin's voice.
"There you are! Ênâd-nurt gêdul! Are you ready for your celebration?"
"As ready as ever, Master Balin."
"Shall I announce you then?"
"No need. I think I'll just slip in."
"As you wish." He smiled.
A guard rushed over to open the door for them. It was Dwyn.
"Ênâd-nurt gêdul, Your Highness." He said quietly.
"Thank you, Master Dwyn." He smiled.
Dwyn opened the door, and Fili was thankful that he only did so enough for himself and Balin to slide in, not bringing much attention to the them.
The hall was full, everyone was sitting down, eating, drinking, and laughing together. Fili walked through, hearing many yelling his name, and birthday wishes. He smiled, and bowed to those he noticed, then he looked up and saw it. A large, larger than Fili had ever seen, four tiered cake, covered, literally, every inch in fresh, bright strawberries. Around the bottom of each tear was a ring of whipped cream, setting the look off perfectly. It brought a dazzled smile to his face, and he walked over to look at it closer.
He had only been joking when he told Bombur he wanted an over-sized cake, but he had certainly taken it to heart, and Fili was quite certain there was enough for two barrels of strawberries.
"Ah ha! Master Fili!" He heard Bombur's voice, and turned to him. "How do you like it?"
"It's beautiful!" Fili placed his arm around the shorter dwarf's shoulders. "Truly a masterpiece, Master Bombur!"
"I worked hard on it for you, and I think I did a mighty fine job if I do say so, myself."
"And you should." Thorin's voice came from the other side of Fili, and He greeted his nephew with a warm touch on his back. "It's magnificent."
The three of them stood, looking at it for a moment, and finally Bombur turned to Fili. "Come, my lad! I know you're hungry. I think you'll be just as pleased with the meal I've prepared for you."
As he led him to his place at the head of one of the two massive tables that had been moved from the dining hall, Fili tried to keep his mind to happy thoughts. He tried not to miss Dwalin, or keep checking the door for him. He tried to smile at everyone who smiled at him, and return every bow he could, but it was already getting tiring. Once he sat, Bombur rushed off to get his meal, and he looked to his left. Thorin was sitting at the head of the other table, speaking to Bofur, and Ori. He admired his regal way. The way he sat straight up in his chair. The way he held his mug, and ate his food. Everything was so fluid, and Fili envied it so. Even though he was always complimented on his demeanor, he always felt awkward, like he was doing something wrong. Especially in social situations like this one, and tonight, he felt particularly watched.
"Nadad!" Kili ran over to him, two full mugs of ale in his hands. He handed one to him, and clanked them together happily. "What do you think of your strawberry cake?" He could tell his brother was trying not to sound disgusted or rude, but his distaste played in his voice.
"I think it's amazing." He said, forgiving his brother easily for his tone, "Master Bombur certainly out did himself."
Kili took the seat to Fili's right side and drank on his ale. "So much for being able to eat the cake without the strawberries..." He said.
Fili couldn't help but smile at him. "You still could. It would just take a little more effort."
Kili made a face at the idea, and took another drink from his mug. Then, Bombur returned and sat a large platter in front of Fili. Everyone else had already been served with rows of food on the table. This tray, however, was special. It had a large steak with potatoes, bread and butter, soup, cherry tomatoes, and a small cup of grapes. Fili, and Kili, stared in awe at the meal. Fili loved everything on the tray, and smiled at the tomato soup, which he was particularly fond of.
"Master Bombur, you are a noble among dwarfs! Everything is perfect." He looked up with a grateful smile, and Bombur beamed happily, and proudly, knowing he had done well. Of course, Fili couldn't remember a time that he hadn't.
"Only the best for you on this most joyous of days." He bowed extra low, and Fili returned it as well as he could from his chair. "Enjoy it, and let me know when you be wanting to cut the cake." He, then, turned and left with a proud bounce in his step.
Fili watched him for a moment, but turned when he caught Kili snatching a grape from his tray. "Hey! This is my birthday gift from Master Bombur, you know?"
"And?" Kili said, chewing the grape.
Fili just rolled his eyes at him, and started eating. Everything was absolutely delicious. The steak was cooked perfect. Rare, just as he liked it, and the soup was more delectable than he ever remembered it being. Kili had started talking to those around him, and it gave Fili's thoughts the chance to wonder. He missed Dwalin, and wished more than anything that he was sitting beside him, enjoying the meal and the party... or better yet, they were alone, eating together in that loving silence they shared. He felt the dark thoughts try to come up, and he begged them to stay at bay, at least for now. He just had to make it through the cutting of the cake, and then he could slip away.
As he ate, many party-goers came up and wished him pleasant greetings and happy birthdays. He did his best to be polite to them all, and was doing well with it, even being in the middle of dinner, but of course, they were only following the custom of most birthday celebrations. They would leave their gifts in a special place, unmarked, and Fili would have them once everyone had left. Not that he really cared much for the material things.
As dinner was coming to a close, Thorin stood and walked to the large platform. The Hall fell silent, and Fili tried to sink down in his chair, knowing the speech was coming, and everyone would be looking at him.
"My friends..." Thorin started, smiling, "Today is my nephew's sixty-eighth birthday."
The Hall erupted into cheers, Kili yelling loudly beside him, causing him to actually break a smile.
"Tonight, we celebrate his life, and honor him as he so well deserves." More applause. Thorin held up his mug, and everyone in the Hall that had one, held it up as well. "And now we drink to you, Fili." He turned and smiled warmly at his nephew. "Ênâd-nurt gêdul. Menu sigim bundul (You are greater than words), may your life be long, and your name prosper!"
The dwarves in the Great Hall of Erebor cheered, and drained thier mugs, and more than a few ended up mashed on the tables and floor. Thorin walked back down, and Fili was appriciative that he had kept it short and sweet. He walked to his nephew and pressed their foreheads together without a word. He gave Kili as smile as well, and Fili couldn't help but think it had an odd feel to it, but he chose to ignore it, and stood.
"Where are you going?" Kili asked.
"To find Master Bombur. I believe it's time for cake."
Kili's excitement faded, but just as Fili turned, Bombur lumbered up carrying another tray. Just as Fili was about to tell him he couldn't eat anymore if he hoped to have cake, he turned toward Kili and sat the tray in front of him. It was a beautiful collection of sweet rolls, topped with cinnamon and some sort of glaze.
Kili's eyes grew wide and bright and his smile was of sincere surprise and glee. "Master Bombur, you truly are a noble among dwarves!"
"I know you don't care much for Master Fili's cake, so I thought I'd whip you up something of your own, but don't be getting used to it!"
Kili was already tearing into one, and he glowed with a satisfied smile.
Fili found the gesture very caring and kind. He grinned at Bombur. "Now that my brother is taken care of, how about we cut the cake?"
Bombur gleamed and pulled a knife out, seemingly from nowhere. "As you wish!"
As the two of them walked over a feeling hit Fili. A sudden, gripping need for Dwalin. He didn't want to cut his gorgeous cake before he was there to see it and enjoy it with him. He felt wrong, like he was purposefully leaving him out. He thought of his comment about uninviting him and he suddenly felt a guilt rush over him that nearly took him to the ground.
By the time they got there, his feelings must have been seeping through to his expression, because Bombur asked: "Are you feeling alright, Master Fili?"
Fili looked up at the divine cake in front of him and it suddenly looked incredibly unappetizing. "I'm sorry, Master Bombur, but I suddenly have no stomach for cake."
Just as he was turning, Bofur caught his eye contacr, and grinned brightly, noticing him by the cake. "Will you be cutting the cake now, Master Fili?" He yelled it so loud, at least half the party heard him and before he knew it, he was swarmed and pushed back in front of the cake. Bombur handed him the knife, giving him a concerned look.
Everyone cheered and waited, all eyes watching him. He didn't want to cut it. He didn't want to take the step to ending his celebration without Dwalin having been there. He didn't want to ruin the cake before Dwalin could see it. He felt pressured and claustrophobic. He could feel his breathing getting shallow and as he hand moved the knife down to the cake, he saw it shaking. He knew everyone could see and he was definitely embarrassed.
He sat the knife down quickly without touching the cake. "I'm sorry, I just..."
"Cut the cake!" Someone yelled from the back and then they all started. Fili stopped hearing words and suddenly the muse of voices became a deafening roar. He looked to either side of him but it was flooded with happy dwarves, chanting and cheering for him to finish. He wanted so badly to simply disappear from the situation. He would have traded it for being with Dwalin on the snowy roads in an instant, if he could.
The chanting grew louder, and it was starting to grind in Fili's ears. He looked desperately for an escape, but saw none. He felt like a cornered animal, about to be pounced on. He looked up at the cake, and now, to him, it seemed a hundred feet tall.
He couldn't take it anymore. He wanted nothing more than to fade away, but there he stood, trapped, and no one was even aware of the turmoil going on inside him. Suddenly, he turned and tried to run out, but he was stopped by the crowd, all still cheering and chanting.
He couldn't think of what to do, or what to say and suddenly his body moved on it's own and his voice rang out without his knowledge or control. "No!" He yelled and slid his fingers under the massive tray holding the cake and flipped it. The cake tumbled into massive heaps of strawberries, cream and pastry with a sickening splat sound.
Everyone gasped as backed up, not wanting to be blamed for what had happened, but Fili knew they had all seen it. The Hall fell absolutely silent and still. He was horrified. How could he let himself do something like that? Had his dark emotions really taken that much of a hold on him? He looked to the door, and finally saw an escape route. He took it.
"Nadad..!" He heard Kili call to him, but he didn't stop. He rushed out of the doors and through the halls. He felt the tears welling in his eyes. He felt humiliated, afraid, guilty, and almost every horrible emotion one could feel. He turned sharply down a small corridor, hoping to loose anyone that may be following him, but he didn't think they were.
He rushed without thought, or pursuit, and made his way to Dwalin's home. When he got to the door, he braved a glance atound, and seeing no one, flew inside, making sure the door was shut tightly behind him. He made his way straight to the bed and fell onto it, finally overwhelmed by the emotions and burst into tears.
He had ruined everything... the cake, the celebration, and likely the opinions of everyone who knew him.
He curled up on the bed trying not to think. The image of the cake hitting the golden floor of the Hall made him sick. How could he have done something so horrible? In front of everyone! He wanted so badly to go back and make everything right, but he knew it was impossible. He had done it, and all of Erebor had watched him.
Dammit, Fili! You emotional fool!
He crawled over to the pillow and grabbed it. He tried to smell Dwalin on it but his tears had caused his senses to dull. He'd even ruined that... He still held it, trying his best to calm down. He closed his eyes tightly and let the tears fall, forever cursing his birthday and any celebration of it.