Chapter 16

Louise bit the nail of her thumb as she sat down next to her husband. As she gently placed a hand on his thigh, Kid turned his eyes from the letter. Lou smiled nervously, and nodded her head in encouragement. The Southerner again shifted his head back to the paper in his hands, and started reading.

My dearest Kid,

I can't really tell whether you are still mine, or if I have a right to call you dear, but if I overstep my limits, please forgive me. Your letter arrived weeks ago, unburying my pitiful soul from the grave where it had been since you went missing. I've been trying to fill this one with my words all this time, and with all the paper I've misused and discarded since then one could write one or two of those dime novels Cody liked so much. I'm not sure if this letter will end up in the same pile of crumpled paper, or even if I will get to finish it this time, I doubt I'll have the courage to post it.

I've thought so much about you in these long, awful months I thought you were dead. I kept dreaming about everything we lived together, the good and bad times, and every single memory of yours came to tear my heart to shreds on the realization I had lost you. Losing you was my most dreaded nightmare that turned into a reality for too long. I became a widow too soon before I could even learn to be a wife. People came to me and offered their polite condolences, and all I wanted to do was shout 'Don't you understand? My husband ain't dead. He can't be'. I wanted to deny the truth that hurt so much, and believe you were alive because I felt nobody really understood. That was always our case, wasn't it? Nobody ever understood us and our love, not even those closest to us. I guess it didn't help that I chose to show just Lou to the others while you were the only one privy to see a glimpse of Louise. Maybe I also hid a part of her from you too, and I now long for a chance to show you Louise completely, without masks or shields.

I'd love to have you here and tell you everything that lies in my heart. I know that after the way we parted and the only letter I wrote you must think I hate you, but please believe me. I love you with all my heart. I wish the war would finish soon because I can hardly wait for you to hear the words from my lips. I'll be waiting for you. Please keep safe, and when you return, we'll start making our dreams a reality. I know one day we'll be able to do what we wished for: the ranch we long for, a home full of children, and you in my life forever.

Please, love, remain safe and come back to me, your wife who loves you more than life itself.

I miss you with all my heart.

Love

Your Louise

As Kid finished reading, his whole body was trembling from emotion but at the same time his mind was reeling. Folding the paper again, he turned his eyes to Lou and said, "I don't understand."

"You… you don't understand?"

"What happened to you? This doesn't sound at all like the woman I found when I returned… I didn't find a woman longing to see me. What happened? What made you change your mind?"

"Nothing changed," Lou muttered. "I didn't actually change my mind."

"I want to understand you, I really do, but I find it difficult to see that the sweet person who wrote this was the same cold woman I saw in my return."

Lou blushed, feeling mortified because he was totally right. "I told you. I wanted to punish you and make you feel what I felt and realize what your absence did to me."

"Don't you think I didn't suffer your void too?" Kid asked, raising his tone slightly.

"I know you missed me, but leaving was your decision, not mine!" Lou retorted.

"What you say ain't fair."

"I know, but that's how I felt back then. After your liberation those nearly two years were endless and torturous. I was so lonely, and everywhere I looked people were happy and in love. Allan had started courting Rachel, and they were already talking about marriage. Teaspoon was seeing a widow who unfortunately died a few years later. Even Miah had a sweetheart. I was so miserable, and the feelings I got at the beginning of the war returned to me. I was angry, and blamed you for what I had to go through."

"And seeing me again after those years didn't soften your heart," Kid muttered.

"No!" Louise exclaimed, her bright eyes staring at him. "You're wrong! When I saw you there before me, I almost fainted. I was dying to throw my arms around you, touch you, and kiss you."

"You never budged," Kid reminded her.

Lou shook her head morosely; her eyes were downcast, focused on her hands resting on her lap. Kid looked at her, and knew she was fighting the tears.

"Lou, look at me," he softly called, taking one of her hands in his. As Louise timidly turned her eyes to him, he added, "I know we already talked about this last night, but this is too important. I want to know if you still hold a grudge against me."

Kid noticed her forehead crease and her eyebrows move together as she kept thoughtful. Lou was not taking his question lightly, and Kid knew she would give him an honest answer. "No, I don't," she finally replied.

"Lou, we need to be absolutely certain about this. We both made mistakes, and I'm ready to start fresh, without regrets. If we keep baggage, sooner or later that'll end up showing up and marring what we might have, and I don't want that."

Lou stared at Kid in horror as a rebellious tear managed to escape and roll down her cheek. "Are you… are you saying you'll leave me now if I can't assure you I can forget?" Lou croaked huskily.

"No…" Kid exclaimed too promptly, and then paused to rectify. "Lou, we've both suffered too much, and this is our chance at happiness. We have to start from scratch, really from scratch."

"I already told you. I love you, and I promised to do everything to be a good wife to you. And I want to forget these damn ten years ever existed."

Kid smiled a faint, almost unnoticeable smile. Lou's lower lip was trembling, and her face had grown extremely pale. "Lou, it's all right. You don't need to be strong for my sake." Louise gazed at him uncomprehendingly, and Kid added, "Cry… cry if you must."

As soon as his words were uttered, a sob escaped her lips, and a flood of tears overflowed her eyes. Reaching out for him, Lou tightly hugged him and buried her face in his chest, sobs racking her body. While Louise wept, Kid remained quiet and just stroked her head and her short hair encouragingly. He knew she needed to let the pain and pressure out. Hearing her sound so miserable made his own eyes moist, and however much it hurt him to see her suffering, he told himself he had to let her be.

After about ten minutes, Kid felt Lou relax and her sobs subside. Her wet eyes lifted to him, and they remained staring at each other. Then Kid cupped her face in his hands, wiped the trace of her tears from her cheeks with his thumbs, and finally caressed her lips with his in a soft kiss. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Lou muttered. "Thanks. I needed that. And I'm glad we've left things clear."

"Me too," he said, still with his arms around her petite frame.

"What else do you want to know?" Lou asked. The worst was already in the open, so she could as well tell him about the rest.

"What happened when I left Rock Creek?"

Lou nodded, and disengaging from his hold, she lowered her body and lay down across the width of the bed. Kid followed suit, and rested on his side next to her. "When you went away," she started, directing her eyes to the ceiling above them, "I was so sad and angry with myself. I never told anyone how much I hated myself. This house and the town suffocated me. I don't know why staying here in Rock Creek had become so unbearable all of a sudden. I had lived for a whole year with the pain of believing you were dead, and I'd never thought of fleeing. I guess it wasn't the town I couldn't stand, but myself. During this time I've learned the hard way that however much I run, I can't really escape. Like Teaspoon once told me, we can't save people from themselves."

"Did you know what you wanted to do in Seneca?"

"Not really," Lou replied, without shifting her eyes from the ceiling. "My siblings weren't happy with the move, but they never complained. I took some rooms in town, and tried to find a job. My brother started working at the blacksmith's, and I got hired in a couple of places but I didn't last too long in either. I wasn't easy to deal with, and I was fired both times." Kid looked at her in silence, unable to believe that such a hard, committed worker as he knew she was could be given the boot. "I was at a loss, and then I saw a for-rent sign in an empty store in town, and I realized I wanted to do something different. I liked the idea of owning my own business. I knew I could concentrate my energy in something like that, and I could be good. The owner of the place was a gentleman called Albert Keller, and we easily agreed on the conditions and price. My friend Charlotte and I used to talk about being partners of a ladies' shop, but I decided I wanted something different. I couldn't see myself advising women on dresses, hats, and what not. Albert told me the last tenant had owned a seed and feed store, but he had closed down when his wife had died. So I thought that could be a good idea, and it really was."

Something in what she had said stirred something familiar in his insides. "Albert? Are you and your landlord on first name terms?"

Lou smiled at herself as she could hear the veiled jealousy in her husband's voice. Shifting in the bed, she rolled onto her side so that she could look into his eyes "We got along very well," Lou said. "When I first settled my business, he was such a dear. He helped me so much, arranging everything, contacting suppliers, and even talking to locals about my new shop."

"He was a dear," Kid echoed her words without the slightest hint of amusement in his voice.

"Why, Kid. Are you jealous?" Louise remarked teasingly.

"Do I have a reason to be jealous, Lou? You tell me."

"Well, Albert doesn't really beat about the bush, and one day he blurted out he wanted to court me," Lou explained, studying his face which looked as if it were going to explode.

"And what did you do?" he asked the question between gritted teeth.

"I said no, of course!" Lou exclaimed. "What else could I say? Apart from being a married woman, I didn't like Albert that way. But he didn't seem to accept my refusal, and was pretty insistent."

Kid frowned his forehead. "What on earth did he want from a married woman?"

Louise sighed. "I didn't tell him I was married," she said, and at Kid's shocked expression, she added, "I don't need to hide behind a ring, a marriage certificate, or you to fight my own battles. I kept telling him I wasn't interested in him in that way. And well, one day he finally stopped."

"Thank goodness he left you alone," Kid mumbled, totally relieved.

Louise grinned, amused by his attitude. If only he knew Albert hadn't been the last one who had tried his hand… Naturally, she did not plan to tell him, because that would cause him useless suffering, and she knew jealousy was a terrible feeling. "Well, that ain't exact. He's still around. He just transferred his affections to somebody else… somebody very close to me, my little sister."

"Theresa…"

Lou nodded. "He saw her once at the store, and suddenly got totally smitten. The feeling was mutual. Tessie fell for him hard too. They wanted to marry straightaway. Theresa was sixteen at the time, and Albert is ten years her senior. Miah and I refused to allow her to get married in such a rush and at such a young age. We managed to convince her to wait for a couple of years. She and Albert tied the knot just two years ago, and they're happy."

"So Albert is you brother-in-law."

"And yours," Lou said with a smile. "I now live with them. When Miah … Miah passed away, Theresa insisted on me moving with them. She didn't want me to be alone. They live in a big house adjacent to my shop. They bought it when they got married. Tessie helps me with the business, and Albert gives us a hand with the accounts. He's an accountant, and has his own office. He's quite well reputed in town."

"I guess I'll meet him soon enough, and if he's been so good to you, then he's good to me."

Lou smiled. "I love you, Kid," she whispered, snuggling closer to him. "That's my past, my history, but now life starts for us. From now on we can do what we want… and as long as we're together, I don't care about anything else."

Kid's arms drew her to him, and his mouth met hers again in an avid kiss. Their caresses, their whispering voice, their passion and kisses swore to each other a deep devotion forever, and as the midday sun sneaked its rays inside, they fell on the couple and spied on them as their bodies promised a new life, a new beginning, a new love.