Chapter 25
Sitting despondently in the dining room, Kid stirred the wet porridge in his bowl. It had been a terrible night; he had been unable to sleep a wink, and had cursed himself all night long. How could he let himself get carried away like that, and hurt Lou so hideously? As he remembered and replayed his own words over and over again, he wanted to die of shame and pain. There was no excuse for his behavior and spiteful comments. He had purposely hurt Lou in the most appalling way. No wonder she had locked herself in the bedroom, and even though he had knocked at the door several times last night and early this morning, he had got no answer.
The sound of steps drew his attention, and as he lifted his eyes, he saw Ari appear. The woman smiled as she took her usual seat, and then she started to serve herself some porridge. "Ain't Louise having breakfast today?"
"I… I don't really know."
Ari frowned as she heard the sadness oozing from his voice. "Any problems with your Missus, Kid? I thought I heard some loud voices from my hut last night."
Kid nodded. "Lou and I argued when we returned from the Grangers. I don't think I handled things too well."
"You know it takes two to argue, so don't take all the blame."
Kid sighed, snatched the napkin off his lap, and tossed it onto the table. "It wasn't so much an argument as me saying horrible things to her."
Ari stared at him in disbelief. "I can't believe that from a nice man like you."
"It's true," Kid muttered, hanging his head in shame.
"Well, sometimes even the nicest men react when they're egged on," Ari pointed out.
Kid shook his head. "There's no excuse for that. I'd drunk some at Mr. Granger's too and you know I don't hold liquor too well, but even so, that can't justify what I did and said." He stopped, sighed again, and pressed his hand against his forehead. "I've messed it up, Ari… real bad. I don't know how I'm gonna fix this. If I lose Lou again, I'll die."
"Don't ever say that!" Ari exclaimed loudly.
Kid lifted his head, startled by her abrupt tone, and when the reason why the housekeeper had reacted so harshly dawned on him, he said, "Oh Ari, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Seems all I do lately is to put my foot in it. Please forgive me."
His words managed to soften the woman. "I wouldn't worry too much, Kid. If Louise's intelligent, she'll know what a great man she's married to, and will overlook your indiscretions. But, boy, don't ever let a woman…"
Ari's voice faltered as she suddenly noticed Louise standing at the foot of the staircase, just a few feet from the dining table. "Ma'am," she greeted her politely, "would you like some breakfast?"
Kid almost dislocated his neck as his head swirled to his wife. Lou just nodded at the woman's questions, and with eyes downcast she walked to the table and sat down. Ari poured a cup of tea and placed a plate before her. Louise kept her eyes low, and Kid stared at her unblinkingly. He could see the signs of a sleepless night in her. Her face looked too pale, and there were rings under her eyes. Kid wanted to reach out for her, and hold her in his arms, but he remained frozen in his seat. A single night without her had been tremendously hard and just thinking that Lou had been hurting all night long for his cruel words really killed him.
Lou shifted her eyes just an inch, and as she stumbled upon Kid's gaze, the pain and bitterness she had struggled with all night long hit her full-force again, and the sobs that had been her only bed companion in her loneliness burst out anew. The tears rolled down her already tear-streaked cheeks, and even though she had thought she could be strong, her spirit had broken at the slightest provocation because she felt too miserable to fight.
"Lou!" Kid called urgently, and left his chair to kneel in front of her while Ari decided to leave the couple to deal with their problems in privacy. Gently, Kid dared to wrap his arms around her shoulders, and when she did not push him away, he drew her against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Lou, so, so sorry. Please forgive me. I was so horrible to you. I feel like the dirtiest scum for hurting you like this."
Hearing his voice made her pain soar and her sobs increase. The horrible image of Kid and Gloria Granger together had been a constant nightmare last night, and as he now talked, in the middle of her personal turmoil she could hardly understand if he was apologizing for his words last night, or for loving another woman.
"Please, Lou don't cry for me. I don't deserve it," Kid continued, talking to her softly. "Every time I think about what I told you last night I want to die. That was so uncalled for, and once again I broke a promise to you. I swore I would never hurt you, and here I am, stomping over my words. I couldn't have done it worse."
Louise lifted her face from his chest. There were still tears in her eyes, but it was important for her to say what she had been thinking of all night long. "You… you asked me a question last night," she croaked with a trembling voice. "And I have the answer." She paused, and Kid stared at her, wondering what she was talking about. "You asked me what I would do if I knew you loved somebody else. Well, if you love her, don't let your commitment to me stand in the way. It's not right. Even if that woman is unattainable, you mustn't resign yourself to second best."
"Lou, there's nobody in my heart but you. I only love you. What I told you last night was too insensitive and cruel. I don't know what got into me. Please forgive me," he begged and dared to take her hands in his trembling ones.
"You ain't in love with Gloria?" she asked in a quavering voice as a few stray tears sprang to her eyes.
Kid gently wiped her tears with his index finger. "How can I love anybody when I have 'you'… my friend, my sister, my partner, my lover, my everything?"
"You ain't jealous of Channing?" Lou insisted.
Kid shook his head. "Jealous? Course not. I was surprised, that's all, as surprised as the whole town. I'm glad for them. Channing is a good fella, and Gloria really needs some peace and happiness in her life."
Lou kept quiet and lowered her eyes. They remained in awkward silence; Kid still on his knees before her sitting figure. "Will you forgive me, Lou? You can't imagine how sorry I am."
"What you told me hurt… hurt too much," Lou said in a very tiny voice with her eyes downcast. "I cried all night long."
"I know, Lou. I can't believe I could be so callous with you, the person I love most in life."
This time Louise met his eyes. "Why did you do it?"
"I… I don't know."
"I was just jealous… stupidly jealous," Lou admitted. "But I don't think that justified what I got from you."
"And you're right… absolutely right. I was way out of line."
Lou sighed. "Kid, what's really in here?" she asked, placing her hand on his chest. "What happened last night makes me realize you still have issues with me."
"I love you, Lou."
"I know that… now," she corrected herself, "but that doesn't mean your heart can't hold some resentment for what I did to you and our marriage for years."
Kid wanted to deny her words. He was the first one who always reassured her and insisted they forget the past and look into the future. "The most important thing for me is to make this marriage work. You mean the world to me, Lou… honestly, and I have no regrets for accepting you back in my life because that's what I've always longed for."
"Sometimes what we want and what we feel ain't on the same level. I don't question your sincerity, but maybe deep down you're still sore at me. Please talk to me, and tell me what's bothering you. Otherwise, this kind of thing will keep coming up and hurting us even more."
Kid nodded. She was right. Feeling crampy in his knees, he rose to his feet, and almost as if she could read his mind, Lou stood up for him to sit on her chair, and once seated, she perched on his lap. "Talk to me, Kid, please," she whispered, looking into his deep blue eyes.
Kid nodded again, wrapped his right arm around her waist, and kept thoughtful. Absentmindedly his hand brushed up and down her side, and his eyes focused on the flowery pattern of her dress. "Maybe you're right, and I haven't overcome some of our past problems."
"Tell me about it."
"I… I guess I still can't understand why you could turn me down after I came back from war. I really yearned for some comfort and the love of my wife after years of terrible suffering."
Louise nodded. "I failed as a wife… even as a human being," she admitted bravely. In these past weeks she had accepted to look at the truth without excuses or hiding herself behind nothing but air.
"Lou, I know you're a great person, and that's why I fell in love with you in the first place. And in these two weeks we've been back together, you've proved to me you're still as generous, kind, sweet, and honest as I remember you were in the old days."
"And that makes it harder for you to understand why I let us grow apart for so long," Lou finished the thought for him.
"I guess… yes."
Lou sighed. "To be totally honest, I don't understand it either. Some people might still think I didn't love you enough, but that ain't it. I told you before. Living without you was a self-inflicting torture that was unbearable more often than not. I had all those bubbling feelings inside me, and I felt unable to do anything to help myself when I knew that just a word to you would do magic. All I did was to wallow in self-pity. Every night as I went to bed, the last thing I did before putting out the light was to look at the portrait of our wedding day, which I kept hidden from everyone else, and I told myself 'Tomorrow… tomorrow will be the day' but I never did anything. You know that."
"If you'd shown at my door, or sent me a letter, you'd have made me the happiest man alive."
Lou nodded, and they relapsed into silence. After a few minutes it was Louise who dared to speak up again. "Do … do you think you could ever forgive me completely?"
"Lou, I already forgave you, but maybe this is what we really need… to talk more, and not to block the past as I told you we should." Louise bobbed her head up and down in agreement, and Kid added, "And am I forgiven for last night?"
"You know you are," Lou said. "But please don't do that to me again."
"I promise, and I mean it," Kid replied honestly, "but on one condition."
Lou frowned. "What condition?" she asked in a strained tone which reflected she was not happy with his words.
"Well, I've been honest with you, and now it's your turn," he explained. "I would like to know what problem you have here." Lou tried to speak, but Kid continued, not letting her protest until he had not said his bit. "And please don't make me believe all that about settling down or how nervous you were about meeting my friends."
Lou kept quiet, and her eyes involuntarily turned to the kitchen door through which Ari had disappeared. Kid noticed where her gaze lingered, and he asked, "It is about Ari?"
"I… I don't really want to say anything against her."
"What is it, Lou?" Kid insisted.
Louise sighed. "All right then. Well, you know she doesn't like me very much," Lou said. Kid did not try to deny her words, and she added, "Can you imagine how uncomfortable it is to be around somebody who hates your guts?"
"She doesn't hate you, Lou," Kid contradicted her.
"Maybe the wording ain't correct, but the result is the same. I've tried to be patient and friendly to her, but whatever I do, I end up making a poor show of myself. So lately I just get out of her way, but Kid, I can't live like this forever… locked in my room as if I were a prisoner."
Kid shook his head, not liking what he was hearing. "Despite everything, Ari's actually a nice woman. She's had her share of problems in life, and I guess that reflects on her character. When I first hired her, she also struck me with her peculiar… uh… detachment. But with time she got more accessible, and now I'm really fond of her."
"I ain't saying you let her go, and I ain't questioning she's a good woman. Her dislike of me shows how much she cares for you. I can't blame her."
"But it ain't right she doesn't give you a chance," Kid pointed out.
"Well, that's arguable. Why should she give me a chance, Kid? I'm nothing to her, and if she chooses to dislike me, nobody can tell her otherwise. She ain't paid here to give the lady of the house a chance. And she ain't really nasty. Actually, she's quite civil, but I don't know… I can notice her dislike and I feel so uncomfortable."
"Do you want me to have a word with her?"
Louise shook her head. "I guess I'll try again myself. You know me. I'm stubborn as hell, and when I get an idea in my head, I eventually get what I want."
"That's my girl," he said with a smile, but his beaming expression instantly vanished when he asked, "Are we okay then, Lou?"
"Are we?" she repeated the same question instead of answering his.
"As far as I'm concerned, I am. I promise to talk to you if something's troubling me," Kid replied.
"Yeah…" Lou said distractedly as she seemed to be lost in thought again.
Her vague answer made Kid worry. "What is it, Lou? Are you still unsure whether you can forget or overlook what happened last night?"
"No… I'm fine with that," she added in all honesty. "But what you just said reminded me there's something else."
"Something else?"
"Its … it's silly, I guess. But we have promised to tell each other everything."
"What is it?" Kid asked again, running out of patience with her enigmatic words that unnerved him.
"Uh… from time to time I feel extremely scared… almost panicky," she explained, not really sure how to express what sometimes lately shook her whole soul. "It started when we left Rock Creek. Rachel said something that scared the daylights out of me."
"What on earth did she say?" Kid asked.
"Nothing special, but I don't know… there was something there that frightened me and it happened a few times again with you. I can't really explain it, but it's as if I expect something terrible to happen at any moment."
"Is that all?" Kid asked as relief washed over him. "I thought it was something worse, and you scared me there for a moment." Lou did not like his disregarding tone because for her it was really an issue. "Honey," Kid continued, "it's natural to feel apprehensive after all that we've gone through. I feel the same. It scares me to think I might lose you again. Last night I thought I really had. Please let's think positively for once. Nothing's gonna happen."
Lou stared at him skeptically, and Kid said, "Please give me a smile."
Louise forced herself to smile, and Kid matched her expression when he finally wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. "Everything's gonna be all right because now we are together."
Lou kept quiet, and pressed her hands against his back as much as possible. Maybe he was right, but why on earth was he feeling this scared again? What did his last words have that made her whole spirit shake and her body shiver from horrendous, extreme fear?