Chapter 17
Emily
She hadn't even meant to reach for Paige's hand; it had been automatic, second nature. But she was glad that she had; Paige had pulled her hand away and it had highlighted her point perfectly.
She was now 100% sure she had made the right decision by ending things. She'd almost caved; almost, which wouldn't have been helpful to either of them. After all, nothing had changed. If they'd gotten back together, Emily felt like she would be constantly on edge, waiting for the next disaster to happen.
It broke her heart, but this was the way it had to be for now. It would be worth it.
She hoped.
Hanna wasn't so sure though; she told Emily as much as they walked to lunch. "What are you doing, Em? I thought you were desperate for Paige to speak to you again, and then when she finally does, you break up with her? That doesn't make any sense."
Emily had been avoiding her calls all weekend, so she'd been expecting that Hanna would have something to say on the issue. "Look, I don't know what Paige told you-"
"She literally told me you broke up with her and nothing else; neither of you would answer your phones!"
Emily grabbed Hanna's wrist, pulling her to the side out of the way of the traffic of the hallway. "Okay, Hanna; this is going to be all for nothing if you end up outing Paige because you can't keep your damn voice down," Emily hissed.
Hanna sighed. "I'm sorry, I just don't understand. You guys were meant to make up and go back to being all cute and together- not this." She frowned.
Emily slumped against the wall as the reality of what she had lost hit her again. She couldn't imagine that she would be sharing any 'cute' moments with Paige any time soon. "Look, it's the only way I could think of to try and get through to her; she needs to realise we can't stay a secret forever, and she needs space to work that out. Us being together- she ends up just ignoring the problem." And so do I, she noted. It was just easier. But she was done taking the easy route. Things had to change. "This way, she'll need to accept that there is a problem."
Hanna bit her lip in thought. "Okay… and what happens if this just completely destroys her? What then?"
"I can't think like that, Hanna! And quit acting like this isn't killing me too; I think I've probably had about ten hours sleep since Friday." She ran her hand through her hair, trying to stop herself from crying in frustration.
"Okay, I'm sorry," Hanna said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You know better than I do. If you say that this will help her, then I'm sure it will." She gave her an apologetic smile. "So, what does that mean for you guys now?"
Emily shrugged, honestly not sure how things would play out from here. "Well, I said I'd be there for her as a friend, so hopefully we'll at least be able to be that- for now." They kind of had to be for the sake of Spencer and Aria not figuring out Paige's secret. "I'll just need to try and be patient and wait for her to come around- which she will- eventually." Emily had to convince herself of that fact; had to believe it. It was the only hope she had left.
Hanna nodded past her. Emily turned to see Paige heading into the cafeteria; she felt her stomach lurch. She breathed in, preparing herself. Preparing herself for possibly the biggest test of willpower she'd ever endured.
Paige
She had blown her chances this morning. She had been so close to having Emily back and she'd totally blown it; all over a touching of their hands. She was so angry with herself. Her stupid paranoia had taken over her body and ruined things once again.
"Why are you frowning?"
Paige snapped out of her thoughts, looking across the lunch table to find Aria staring at her curiously. "Uh, headache," she explained, looking down at the food in front of her, not feeling hungry.
"You should probably go to the doctor," Spencer interjected, concerned. Paige knew she was referring to the number of times she had been 'unwell' recently. She shifted awkwardly.
Suddenly Emily and Hanna were heading towards them. Paige tensed in her seat as she tried to catch Emily's gaze. Their eyes finally connected, neither of them looking away. Emily gave her a small smile, which Paige returned. Okay, so at least Emily wasn't still angry with her for pulling away; that was something.
But, Paige noticed, Emily's pace quickened slightly so that she could sit next to Aria, leaving Hanna to sit beside her. Paige averted her eyes.
She knew that it was childish to feel this rejected over Emily sitting beside Aria and not her, but Emily always sat beside her when she could. The flicker of hope that Emily's smile had ignited vanished instantly, replaced by the hollow sick feeling she'd had all weekend.
Maybe Emily really was serious about this? Paige swallowed hard, her heart racing as the thought of a life without Emily flashed into her head.
NO. She would come around eventually, Paige was sure of it. She would just need to keep trying.
Emily
It was Wednesday. She was on her way to her car after swim practice when she heard Paige shouting after her.
"Em, wait up!" She turned to see Paige jogging towards her across the parking lot. She sighed, wondering if this was going to be another attempt to make her change her mind. Paige thankfully hadn't mentioned it again since Monday, but maybe that was because she hadn't really spoken to her at all. She had seemed to be drifting through the past two days, lost in her own head, which Emily viewed as a good thing; it meant she was at least thinking, hopefully about the fact that she would have to come out one day.
Paige stopped breathlessly in front of her. "Hey," she smiled.
"Hi," Emily said hesitantly, having no idea where this was going.
"So, run tomorrow morning? I don't know about you, but I've been kind of slacking with training recently-"
"Paige," Emily sighed. "I'm not sure that's a good idea." It's not that she didn't want to spend time with her; she did. But she wasn't sure if she could trust herself to be alone with Paige. And she didn't really trust Paige not to try anything either. She wouldn't be surprised if this was just a guise to get her by herself so that Paige could start round two of trying to convince her that she'd made a mistake.
Paige's smile disappeared. "Why not?"
Emily gave a slight roll of her eyes. "You know why."
"Didn't you say that we could still be friends?" Paige huffed, raising her eyebrows expectantly. "It's just a run, Emily." Paige's wide, hopeful eyes held hers so steadily it was as if she thought Emily would say no the moment they broke contact.
Going against her better judgement, Emily sighed, giving her a slight smile. "Okay."
Paige's whole face lit up.
Paige was already waiting for her when she stepped out the door the next morning. She gave Emily a tentative smile as she approached her. Scared that Paige was going to start some sort of speech, all Emily said was, "Ready?" before starting to jog off, hearing Paige follow her after a moment's delay.
Paige caught up to her. They ran alongside each other, their arms brushing so many times in five minutes that Emily began to wonder if Paige was doing it on purpose. She forced herself to widen the distance between them, staring determinedly ahead, not only trying to ignore Paige, but also one of their favourite make-out spots as they ran past. It was a small secluded alcove on the outskirts of a wooded area that they always stopped at when out on a run. It was usually their way of properly saying good morning to each other.
She was taken aback by how much running by it affected her; she lost control of her breathing, eventually having to slow down as a stitch developed.
"You okay?" Paige asked, slowing down with her as she clutched her side in pain.
"Yeah," Emily gasped. "Just a stitch." She bent forward slightly, massaging her side with her fingers, embarrassed that she had let her breathing become that erratic.
"Here, stand up straight," Paige said, putting a hand on her back. Emily did as she was told, goosebumps spreading over her body when Paige moved Emily's fingers from her side and replaced them with her own.
"What are you doing?" Emily groaned, looking around them and seeing that there wasn't another person in sight. This was exactly what she had been afraid of. She was unable to stop her eyes from closing as Paige's fingers began to dig firmly into her skin to relieve some of the pain. She had missed Paige's touch; god, had she missed Paige's touch. She was embarrassed to think about it, but she'd already had to relieve herself from sexual frustration twice since they had broken up.
"Take in a deep breath through your nose and hold it," Paige said quietly as her fingers worked. Emily took the advice, the information sounding vaguely familiar at the back of her head; it had been so long since she'd had a stitch that she'd forgotten.
She opened her eyes as she held her breath to find Paige watching her intently. Emily hadn't realised how close their faces had become. She saw Paige's throat work as she swallowed. "Okay, now breathe out quickly through your nose." Emily exhaled. "Now do it again." Emily repeated the action several times, feeling the pain lessening.
Paige's hand was now lighter on her side, her thumb stroking gently back and forth, Emily hyperaware of the movement through the thin material of her shirt. She saw Paige's gaze flit to her mouth and knew what was about to happen, knew she should move, but she couldn't.
She stood rooted to the spot as Paige leaned in, brushing their lips together. Her mouth responded without her permission, her body gravitating instantly towards Paige.
Paige's hand moved from her side around to her back, her other hand trailing softly up Emily's bare arm, Emily's own hands gripping Paige's waist tightly. Paige's hand moved up to Emily's neck as she deepened the kiss, her tongue meeting Emily's.
Emily sighed, trying to pull Paige closer, tugging her hips into her own. This seemed to ignite the spark between them; they began to kiss harder, faster, Paige starting to walk Emily backwards in the direction of a tree.
Wait- no. No. This can't happen.
Emily pulled away so suddenly that Paige almost fell forwards onto the ground. She gasped, feeling ashamed that she had given in. She had managed to go a whole five days without kissing Paige - pathetic.
"Em," Paige started.
"That shouldn't have happened," Emily stated, tears forming in her eyes as she turned to look at Paige. She was meant to be keeping her distance for Paige's sake; their sake. She was infuriated with herself. She had to be stronger than this.
"But-"
"No! That's it, Paige. We obviously can't even be alone together; I think we'll need to train separately from now on. I'm sorry." She began to walk away, but Paige ended up by her side again, matching every step.
"Emily, you want this as much as I do; I know it."
"That's beside the point," Emily said through gritted teeth. She felt like they kept having the same conversation over and over again. "Did you not hear a word I said in the woods? Or at my locker?"
"I did, but-"
"Then get it into your head; we're not together anymore!" Emily stopped in her tracks, making sure to look Paige straight in the eyes as she said the words. "We're done, and we're not having this conversation again. Got it?"
Emily knew she was being harsh, but the kiss they had just shared would have furthered Paige's belief that they could get back together without anything changing and she had to make clear that that wasn't going to happen. She didn't want Paige to focus on getting her back; she wanted Paige to focus on why they weren't together. All she wanted was for Paige to tell her that she knew she had to come out, and would start to think about telling their friends; her parents. That's all Emily needed Paige to do; just at least start thinking about it and get rid of her delusions about never having to come out.
Paige finally looked away, but not before Emily saw all that hope drain away from her face. Emily's chest ached, wanting to hug her but knowing that would just send more mixed messages. "Got it," she said so quietly that Emily almost didn't hear her.
Paige turned, starting to walk away, Emily watching as it turned into a jog. Once Paige was out of sight, Emily turned back the way they had come, walking slowly to her house, swiping angrily at the tears on her face.
Paige
She hadn't intended on kissing her. Her suggestion to go a run had purely been so that she could spend a bit of time with Emily, even on a friendship level.
Okay, so maybe she'd hoped they could have had another talk; she would have apologised for pulling her hand away, told Emily that she would seriously try to work on being better, and Emily would have shook her head saying it wouldn't work but Paige would have taken her face in her hands and promised her it would and they would have kissed gently and everything would be okay again.
For one glorious moment she'd had Emily in her arms again. One glorious moment before Emily had pulled away from her and made it perfectly clear that things were over; her eyes had looked almost mean as she'd said the words, sending a stabbing pain directly into Paige's heart.
She wanted Emily. Emily wanted her; that kiss just proved it. Why wasn't that enough?
The next few weeks passed slowly and painfully. Her contact with Emily had been reduced to mundane small talk at the lunch table; a brief catching of eyes in English; awkward meetings during a run or in the locker room.
It wasn't right. There had never been this much distance between them in the entire time they had known one another; never. Paige didn't know how to cope with it.
She was praying that the space would make Emily realise that this wasn't how things were supposed to be, but as the days went on, any last remains of hope that she'd had slowly seeped away. Emily was showing no signs of changing her mind.
Emily had taken up a job at the Rear Window Brew. She'd told them it had been a spur of the moment thing, that it wouldn't hurt to start earning some of her own money, but Paige knew it was more than that. She knew Emily better than she knew herself and could sense that this was nothing short of a distraction, most likely from the fact that things were uptight at home. With her dad gone, there was no buffer between Emily and her mom. Paige only knew what she told them at lunch so she wasn't exactly sure how bad things were, but she no longer felt like it was her place to ask, no longer her place to comfort her.
And she hated it; she hated that feeling.
A part of her hoped that Emily taking up the job was also a distraction to fill up the time that they used to spend together, but she honestly didn't know. Emily was no longer giving her any indication that she missed her, and it killed Paige a little more every day.
She was done pleading with her. She'd run out of moves. All she could do now was wait.
The day of their next swim meet had arrived. This time it was being held in West Chester. Paige made sure to grab a seat near the front of the bus where it would be quieter, putting her bag on the adjacent seat instead of the overhead luggage compartment. She wanted to be left alone.
She saw Emily stepping onto the bus through the window. She made sure to keep her gaze fixed outside as she saw Emily walking up the aisle from the corner of her eye, sensing her hesitation as she drew level with her seat. Paige continued to stare out of the window. She heard Emily give a brief sigh before she moved further up the bus, Paige releasing a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. She didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed that Emily hadn't sat beside her.
She tried to stay focused on the meet ahead, but her thoughts kept drifting back to Emily, as always. She remembered the last time they had been on a bus, coming home from the meet in Philly. A smile ghosted over her lips as she remembered Emily falling asleep, having to pull her head onto her shoulder to stop her head swaying in every direction; remembering the swell of pride she'd felt at the action.
It seemed like a lifetime ago now.
Paige pulled her iPod from her bag, quickly stuffing in her earbuds and blasting her music. She rested her head against the cold window, closing her eyes and wishing the day was already over.
She knew that the meet wasn't going to go well as soon as she saw her dad sitting in the crowd. He hadn't told her he was coming and it completely threw her.
She lost her solo race. Her dive off the platform was poor; her flip turn was even poorer. The whole race was just a mess.
Coach came up to her as she exited the pool. "Paige, what's going on? Your form was completely off."
"I know," she replied, her tone even. "Sorry, I'll do better in the relay." She tried to move off to the bench to get her towel, but Coach Fulton put a hand on her arm.
"Is everything alright? You don't seem like yourself." Paige looked away from her probing gaze. "If you're not feeling up to it, I can get someone else to start the relay."
Paige's head snapped up. "No!" She swallowed, trying to control the volume of her voice. "I mean, no, I can do it, Coach." Her dad was here; she couldn't get pulled from the race. That would be even worse than losing.
"Okay, if you're sure." Paige nodded. Coach Fulton gave her an almost sympathetic smile which irritated Paige more than anything.
God, she needed to relax. She grabbed her towel, running it roughly over her face before quickly throwing on her swimming jacket and sitting down to watch the next race about to begin. The rest of the team seemed to sense her frustration, not daring to say anything to her.
Apart from Emily, that was. Paige saw her stand up from further down the bench and make her way towards her. Emily had already won her race, obviously.
She sat down beside her. "Hey." Paige stared blankly ahead, watching the race but not really watching. "Did you know that your dad was coming today?" Paige glanced into the stands, seeing him talking to some guy she didn't know. She shook her head, looking back to the pool. "Just remember you're swimming for yourself; forget he's there," Emily said quietly. "Don't let him get to you." Paige turned to look at Emily who gave her a small smile.
How did Emily know exactly what she needed to hear?
She gave a quick smile back, saying, "Okay." She shook her head, exhaling. She could do this.
There were a few more races to go before the relay. Emily's presence by her side helped her to maintain the level of confidence her words had given her, and by the time they were standing up for the relay she was ready to go. She didn't even spare a glance into the crowd as she took to the platform, pulling her goggles down.
She was in and out of the water before she knew it, feeling much better about her performance, looking to Coach and seeing her give a thumbs up. She smiled, turning her head to search for Emily, spotting her grinning at her from the side of the platform where she was getting prepared for her own leg of the relay. She sighed, allowing herself to be happy for a moment.
She sat down on the bench, making the mistake of looking into the crowd to see her dad. He didn't look remotely happy.
Her shoulders slumped.
They won the relay, but lost the meet to Oakwood by a couple of points because Paige wasn't the only one who'd had a bad solo race on the team. Still, she couldn't help but think it was her fault they'd lost. If only she'd performed better to begin with…
Her dad came down to speak to her before she could escape to the locker room. He threw his hands out to the side as he got closer. "What happened out there? That was awful."
"I know, I'm sorry." She looked around quickly, trying to hold off this conversation until they got home. She didn't want the whole team to hear.
"You know I managed to get a scout from UConn here especially to see you? And for him to see that- well, I'm embarrassed to say the least." Paige felt her face flush. She closed her eyes briefly, wishing she could teleport anywhere but here. "You looked like an amateur."
"With all due respect, Mr McCullers-" Paige looked up from the spot she had been staring at on the floor at the sound of Emily's voice, seeing her coming towards them, but thankfully she was interrupted by Coach Fulton. Paige didn't want Emily getting into an argument with her dad; that would just be too weird.
"Girls! Make your way to the locker room please. Our bus leaves in half an hour." Paige met Emily's eyes. They looked angry, but it wasn't at her. It was on her behalf. Emily sighed in defeat, turning and heading to the locker room with the rest of the girls.
Paige stayed where she was before Coach turned to her, saying, "Paige, go get changed. I'm going to have a quick word with your dad." Paige's eyes flicked up to meet her dad's. His mouth was tight in a stern expression.
"Go on," he said. "You heard your coach." Without another word, Paige turned away from them, wondering what the hell Coach was going to say to him.
Emily
She'd almost let her frustration get the best of her. She couldn't believe she'd almost mouthed off to Paige's dad, and in front of the whole swim team. It hadn't been her smartest move, and she was sure that Paige wouldn't have appreciated it. She just wished that Paige would have stood up for herself. She couldn't stand to see her being torn down like that, especially in front of everyone.
Paige avoided everyone's gaze in the locker room. Emily wanted to speak to her but wasn't sure if she was angry with her or not.
She made her way back onto the bus, surprised when Paige took a seat beside her.
She sat for a moment, looking at her knees. Finally, she said, "You didn't need to do that back there." Her tone was neither angry nor pleased; she was just stating a fact.
"I know, I'm sorry," Emily replied, still feeling like she should apologise. Paige gave her a flicker of a smile before pulling out her iPod and putting in her earbuds. Emily turned to face the window, smiling slightly.
They had reached a sort of impasse. Emily wasn't going back on her decision and Paige didn't seem to be budging on her mind-set either. Paige had pretty much been giving her the cold shoulder ever since their kiss in the woods a month ago, and this was the first time she had voluntarily sat beside her since.
Okay, so that was partly Emily's fault after what she'd said on their run. Paige had taken her words to heart, but she guessed she should be glad she had even though she missed her more than she could say.
But having Paige sitting beside her, even though they weren't talking, well, it was nice. Paige still wasn't ready to accept that she had to come out, and going by the way she had just let her dad walk all over her, it probably wouldn't be any time soon, but Emily was still here, waiting; waiting to hug her and pull her close when the realisation hit.
She felt Paige nudge her shoulder. She turned to see her holding an earbud out for her to take. Emily smiled; she had her own iPod in her bag, but she took the earbud anyway. Their upper arms pressed into each other as Emily shifted closer to Paige, music filling her ear.
This was the most physical contact she'd had with Paige in weeks and she couldn't will herself to move away again. She just allowed herself to enjoy the moment of closeness, knowing that things would probably go back to how they'd been the past month as soon as they stepped off of the bus. She allowed herself a moment just to be Paige's friend.
Paige
It was a few days later, and she actually felt like things were getting better with Emily. They were now talking at lunch because they wanted to; not just in order to keep up appearances for Spencer and Aria. It was almost like they were friends again; Paige had forgotten what that felt like. Maybe they could even start training together again. Maybe Emily was finally starting to realise she had made a mistake and they could get back together.
She headed to her locker that morning with a spring in her step, rounding the corner to see Emily laughing. She smiled slightly at the sight before she saw who she was speaking to.
Maya.
Paige's stomach turned as she stopped dead in her tracks. She noticed the subtle touches Maya was placing on Emily's arm as she laughed a little too loudly at something Emily said for it to be natural.
Paige's fist clenched. She had the urge to go up to Maya and tell her to get the hell away from her girlfriend.
Her heart stopped. Emily wasn't her girlfriend; not anymore. Panic swelled inside her. Fucking Maya; she was going to sweep in and take Emily from her, and the only reason that Paige could come up with as to why she shouldn't was that Maya wasn't her.
Or maybe that was the point. In fact, as Paige started to think about it, Maya was exactly what Emily wanted; she was out. They could be together without any fear or paranoia getting in the way. There was nothing stopping them. And even if it wasn't Maya, eventually there would be someone else. Paige knew how lucky she'd been to have Emily; knew what a catch she was.
And she'd lost her.
She felt sick.
Emily smiled at her as Paige walked into English. She averted her eyes, taking her seat and starting to look over her notes. "Hey," Emily said slowly. Paige could sense her looking at her.
"Hi," she muttered, not looking up from the piece of paper in front of her.
Emily cleared her throat. "So, are you coming prom dress shopping after school?" Paige didn't miss the hopeful note in her voice. She didn't feel like even thinking about prom right now never mind going shopping for a dress that she knew she would feel uncomfortable in.
"No, I don't think so," she replied, shooting Emily a quick look, seeing her face fall. She didn't get why it mattered whether she came or not. In fact, it might be better if she skipped the prom altogether. She looked to the front of the class, wishing Mr Fitz would hurry up and start the lesson.
"Why not?"
Paige shrugged. "I'm not even sure if I'm going anymore." An image of Emily and Maya slow dancing flashed into her mind. That would be something that she would never want to witness.
Emily leaned forward in her chair. "What? You have to! I mean, you don't have to, obviously, but it's senior prom, Paige. Why wouldn't you want to go?"
Paige's eyes narrowed, looking back at her. "What does it matter to you?"
A hurt expression crossed Emily's face. "Paige, what's wrong? Did something happen?"
"So, if we could all turn to page two hundred and fifty one and we'll get started," Mr Fitz said to the class. Paige turned to look straight ahead, hearing Emily's aggravated sigh beside her.
Emily
She didn't get it. Paige had pulled away again and she had no idea why. She had thought that they were finally getting to a place where they were comfortable with each other again, even though they weren't back together.
She tried to get Paige to open up after swim practice, but there were too many people around for her to ask the questions she really wanted to. She wanted to know if her dad had said something to upset her the night before, or if someone else had. She wanted Paige to talk to her; tell her what had happened. It wasn't going to help her any to keep her feelings bottled up.
But Paige wouldn't give her any indication as to why she had resorted back to the Paige she had been a week or so ago; closed off and distant. With one last refusal of Emily's offer to come shopping with them, Emily left Paige in the locker room, heading to meet Hanna, Spencer and Aria at the mall.
"I don't know what to do, Hanna," Emily groaned.
They were sitting on the couch in The Brew, Emily on a break from work and needing to vent about the current situation. She'd just had to endure another day of Paige's mood swings. "Has she said anything to you? Something must have happened."
"For the hundredth time, Em, she hasn't said anything to me," Hanna sighed. "And she probably won't. Any information I get I usually have to drag out of her. If she won't tell you then she's not gonna tell me."
Emily inhaled deeply. "I'm losing hope. It's been over a month and she's given me no sign that she's actually even thought about what I said. Just when I thought she was maybe getting there…" She sighed heavily, knowing this was a slow process but just wishing the penny would drop for Paige already. There was a hole in her heart that only Paige could fill and she needed her back in her life.
"Just give her time. She's always been on the stubborn side. It drives me crazy."
"Me too," Emily replied, giving Hanna a sad smile.
It was at lunch the next day when Emily lost all hope completely. She was sitting with Hanna and Aria, halfway through eating her lunch when she heard Paige's laugh.
Her head automatically snapped in the direction of the noise. She'd been wondering where Paige was. She doubted she'd decided to join Spencer at the prom committee meeting.
It took her a moment to locate her; she spotted her sitting with a few members of the guys' lacrosse team. She was smiling at Troy Sattler, looking totally wrapped up in what he was saying as she laughed again.
"When did that start to happen?" Aria asked.
"What do you mean?" Emily said quickly, a knot forming in her stomach. Paige was just talking to him; that's all it was.
She swallowed.
"Looks like Paige is finally ready to move on from Sean," Aria stated, going back to her salad. "About time as well."
Emily looked at Hanna, wanting reassurance that Aria was obviously wrong. Hanna just looked past her shoulder at Paige, shaking her head. "What is she doing?" she muttered, causing Emily's heart rate to increase. She seemed to realise she had spoken out loud, correcting herself as she met Emily's gaze. "I mean, it's probably nothing." She gave a pathetic attempt at a smile.
"Am I missing something?" Aria asked, looking back and forth between them.
Emily looked down at the table, unable to speak. Hanna answered. "It's just, you know, Troy kind of has a bad reputation. I think he's slept with like half of the girls at school."
Emily stood up. "I have to go." She didn't wait for an answer, just picked up her bag and stormed out of the cafeteria.
Paige
She was unchaining her bike when Emily came up to her. "Hey," she smiled, finally getting the padlock loose.
"Hey." Emily wasn't smiling back at her. She looked off into the empty parking lot, seeming deep in thought. Paige secured the chain around the underside of her saddle before standing up. "So, I saw you talking to Troy today."
So this is what this was about. "Yeah." Emily turned to stare at her, Paige shifting uncomfortably under her gaze. "What?" she finally asked, the silence eating away at her.
Emily sighed. "What are you doing, Paige?"
Paige began to wheel her bike away from the school, Emily following her. "What do you mean? I was just talking to him."
"Really? 'Cause from where I was sitting it looked like more than that." Emily's jaw twitched. Was she jealous? That was rich, coming from her. "And I know that I wasn't just imagining things because Hanna and Aria thought so too."
"So what if it was, Emily?" Paige stopped to look at her. "Despite what people say, he's a nice guy; and he makes me laugh. I could do with some of that right now." Emily was shaking her head at her, a disdainful smile on her face.
"You know he wants to be more than your friend, right?"
She shrugged. "So what?" She'd lost Emily; what did it matter who she went out with now. No one was going to compare to her; Emily was 'it' for her and they were over. The least she could do now was go on a date with someone she could actually tell her family about and hope that the pain in her chest would fade over time. "You don't get a say in what I do anymore, Emily. You've made that perfectly clear."
"What are you talking about?" Emily said, exasperated. "Why are you doing this?"
"You broke up with me, remember? So why don't you just go be with Maya and leave me alone." She began to walk again, unable to look at Emily's hurt and confused expression any longer.
After a moment, she heard Emily shout after her. "You're a fucking idiot, Paige!" Paige gripped her handle bars tighter, throwing a leg over her bike and pedalling away without glancing back.
Later that night, Paige received a text from Troy.
Hey, so there's this house party on saturday at adam patterson's house, I think most seniors are going, want to go with me?
Paige smiled, texting back a quick 'yes' without thinking. This could be just what she needed. Maybe he could help her get over Emily (although deep down she knew that was never going to happen).
She was desperate to get over her; desperate for it to stop hurting.
"So, you're going to the party tomorrow night with Troy?" Spencer grinned, coming up to her at her locker. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"He only asked me last night," Paige said. "How do you know anyway?" She certainly hadn't told anyone.
"I overheard Troy telling his lacrosse buddies." Great, the whole school probably knows by now. She thought she'd find the idea of everyone knowing comforting in a way, but that wasn't how she felt at all. All she could feel was anxiety. Anxiety over the lie; anxiety over Emily hearing about it. "Paige, please be careful. I know he's hot, but don't let him push you too far on the first date; not if you don't want to."
Paige smiled at Spencer's concern, knowing that there was no way she was going to sleep with him; not on the first date anyway. They could cross that bridge when they came to it.
She looked past Spencer's shoulder, catching sight of Hanna who was followed by Emily. Paige could tell instantly by Emily's posture that she knew. She had her arms wrapped around herself, her head bowed. She looked smaller than usual. She looked up briefly, long enough for Paige to notice her reddened eyes. Her stomach twisted painfully.
Paige's eyes moved to Hanna; she gulped. She had a face like thunder.
She hastily began stuffing the books she needed into her bag, Spencer giving her a confused look. "Just realised I said I'd go meet my lab partner before class," she explained, trying to clear out before Hanna inevitably approached her. She didn't trust her in this moment not to start shouting at her in the hallway.
"See you." She shut her locker quickly, literally running away from her problem. She knew it was pathetic, but it was the only way she knew how to deal right now.
Unfortunately Hanna managed to catch up with her in between classes, dragging her into an empty bathroom.
"What the hell, Hanna. You're going to make me late for class." She tried to move past her but Hanna stood firmly in front of the door.
"Troy? Really, Paige? Really?"
Paige sighed. "Look, just stay out of it, okay? This has nothing to do with you."
"No, I will not stay out of it! Do you know I had Emily crying on my shoulder for about ten minutes this morning when she found out? What the hell are you doing? Emily broke up with you so that you would realise you couldn't stay in the closet forever; not so you could start dating a dude." Paige flushed.
"Look, it's not really a proper date. There's going to be loads of people there." Hanna tilted her head to the side.
"That's the lamest thing I've ever heard." Paige looked away, embarrassed. Hanna took a breath, speaking with a calm voice. "Look, I can't pretend to know what you're going through right now, but what I do know is that going out with Troy is not going to make you straight, Paige. It's not going to change the fact that you're in love with Emily."
Maybe not, but it's worth a try.
"I need to get to class, Hanna. Move." Hanna just stared at her, finally shaking her head with pursed lips, moving to the side. Paige opened the door, exiting the bathroom quickly, having to remind herself to breathe.
When she woke up on Saturday morning, she was nervous. She had no idea how the night was going to go, but she hoped that she could at least have a good time if nothing else. She was sick of feeling depressed.
She was further agitated by the fact that her friends were going to the same party, and as far as she knew, so was Emily.
She wasn't sure if she would show though. Paige hadn't seen her since yesterday morning. She hadn't been in English or shown at swim practice. Paige couldn't afford to dwell on that though; if she did, her emotions would cripple her.
The day passed surprisingly quickly, and before she knew it, Troy was waiting for her outside her house. She got into his car, the smell of his aftershave immediately hitting her. He gave her a lazy smile that she knew would make most girls weaken at the knees.
But she wasn't most girls.
She forced a smile onto her face, willing herself to relax, letting out a subtle sigh as he started to drive.
Emily
Her head was already spinning and they hadn't even gotten to the party yet.
She had taken a bottle of- something (she wasn't exactly sure what), out of her parents liquor cabinet when her mom wasn't looking; not that she would have cared if she had been caught. She was already a bad daughter, after all.
She had started drinking it straight from the bottle, her eyes watering as the liquid burned down her throat.
After about her tenth sip, she couldn't even taste it anymore. By the time she got into Caleb's car to go to the party, she was unsteady on her feet, her vision blurry.
"Jeez, Em," Hanna said, turning around in the passenger seat. "You smell like a brewery; how much have you had to drink?"
She shrugged. "Probably not enough," she muttered.
Five minutes later they pulled up at the house. "Caleb, do you mind going on in? I just need to speak to Emily for a sec." Emily gave a dramatic sigh, wondering what lecture she was about to get.
Caleb looked at her before looking back at Hanna. "Okay, but just promise me if she's going to throw up that it won't be in my car?" Emily rolled her eyes while Hanna promised, kissing Caleb quickly before he left.
Hanna turned to face her. "Em, are you sure you want to do this? We can just go back home; have a girls' night?"
"Yes, I'm sure," Emily snapped, starting to get out of the car. If Paige was going to try and live this lie then she was going to have to do it in front of her.
She slammed the door shut, hearing Hanna say," Just please don't do anything stupid and make things worse." Emily couldn't help but laugh hollowly. Like she could honestly do anything worse than what Paige was already doing.
Paige
She actually was having a good time, much to her surprise. Troy introduced her to his circle of friends, and she'd lost count of the number of times she'd laughed so far. And she had made them laugh too; it was a good feeling.
Troy kept placing his hand on the small of her back, pulling her in close to the side of his body. Paige didn't know if it was the alcohol or not, but she suddenly felt like she could do this; she could pretend not to be hopelessly in love with Emily.
At first she'd had to use a lot of concentration not to let her gaze wander around the room in search of her, but as the night wore on the urge was reduced to a dull nagging at the back of her brain.
Until Emily accidentally bumped into her, that was.
Paige turned sharply in surprise, taking in a breath when she saw the state she was in. "Sorry," she slurred. "Don't mean to interrupt, just need to use the bathroom." Paige watched her move off, watched as she hit almost every person she passed. She heard some of Troy's friends laughing, someone saying, "Drunk much?"
"Uh, I'll be back in a minute," she said quickly to Troy, throwing him a quick smile before she headed after Emily.
She squeezed through the crowd after her, putting her hand on her arm when she reached her. "Emily." Emily yanked her arm away so viciously that Paige ended up having to grab her again before she fell to the floor.
"Let go of me," she growled. Paige stepped away, holding her hands up in surrender. She'd never seen her like this before; it unsettled her.
"Em, don't you think you've had enough?" Paige nodded to the cup she had in her hand.
Emily shrugged, swaying on the spot. "You don't get a say in what I do anymore." Emily quoting her own words back at her was enough to make her freeze, her heart clenching. Although Emily's eyes were glazed and unfocused, Paige didn't think she'd ever seen such anger in them. "Go on," Emily spat. "You don't need to babysit me. Go back to Troy. Go back to being a fake; it's what you're best at." She knew it was the alcohol talking, but that didn't make Emily's words hurt any less; make them any less true.
She snatched the drink from Emily's hand and headed back towards Troy and his group, taking controlled breaths to try and stop herself from crying.
"Hey," Troy said. "You look like you could use some air; want to go out back for a bit?"
Paige didn't even need to think, she just nodded numbly and let him take her hand, dumping Emily's cup on a table they passed to go outside. The fresh air felt good on her skin. "Is your friend okay?" Troy asked. "She looks a bit wasted."
Paige gave a short, empty laugh. "Wasted is one word for it." And it was all her fault; she knew it was.
Troy put his hand on her shoulder, rubbing it sympathetically before pulling her into a hug. "So, I'm having a great time tonight, are you?"
Paige didn't feel like she could form words so she just nodded against his chest. They stayed like that for a minute before Troy pulled back, looking down at her, his hand coming up to rest on her neck.
Paige just stood there as he bowed his head, brushing his lips against hers. When she didn't stop him, he pressed his mouth firmer against her, Paige starting to respond. She closed her eyes, trying for one feeble moment to imagine that it wasn't Troy, but Emily, kissing her. It didn't work; he was too tall, his stubble scratching uncomfortably against her lips, his rough calloused hand distracting against the side of her neck.
Emily was right; she was a fake.
This wasn't right. This wasn't her.
She pulled away. "Troy, I'm sorry but I think I'm just going to head home."
He sighed, giving her a slight smile. "Come on; I thought you wanted this? You wouldn't have come to the party with me otherwise; you know who I am."
And I know who I am. "Maybe I thought I did, but I don't. I'm sorry." She quickly turned to head back inside. She wanted to find Emily; had to find Emily.
She had circled the whole bottom floor of the house twice with no luck and was about to give up when something caught her attention.
"Yeah! Get it, Fields!" It was Noel Kahn. He and some other guys had formed a semi-circle around something that was happening at the side of the room. Something that obviously involved Emily.
She began to push forward into the crowd.
Hanna suddenly appeared in front of her. "Paige, go wait outside." Her eyes were wide as she stood on her tip-toes to try and block Paige from seeing whatever was happening.
"What is it?" she asked quickly.
"Nothing, just go wait outside; I'll be there in a minute." It obviously wasn't 'nothing'. The way Hanna was acting was starting to freak her out. She ignored Hanna's command to go outside, forcing her way past her and the other bodies in her way.
She finally made her way to the edge of the circle, every last bit of air leaving her body when she saw what was happening.
Emily was kissing someone. Emily was kissing a girl.
Emily was kissing Maya.
It felt like the room was getting smaller, the noise from the party disappearing, an invisible force crushing her chest and making it impossible for her to breath, but still, she couldn't tear her eyes away.
"Paige!"
She stood and watched as Emily pushed Maya harder against the wall, tangling a hand in her hair.
"Paige!" She suddenly realised Hanna was shaking her, her hand on her face, turning her to look into her eyes. "Paige, it's okay. Just wait outside; I'm going to get Emily." Hanna gave her a gentle push backwards, Paige almost drifting out of the crowd.
She numbly made her way to the front door, not stopping when she got outside the house. She kept going, breaking out into a run when she started to process what she had just seen.
She was too late.
Emily
She was kissing Maya. She wasn't exactly sure how it had happened. All she knew was that she'd seen Troy take Paige's hand to lead her outside and that was enough for her mind to completely shut down.
She'd come across Maya on her blind fumble for the way out of the house, and Maya, as always, tried to start up a conversation with her. Emily had stared at her, watching her mouth as it moved but not hearing a word she was saying. The only thought in her head was that Paige was with Troy.
The memory of Paige telling her to go be with Maya (she still had no idea where that had come from) flared up. She knew it was spiteful but in that moment she felt spiteful. Paige had hurt her more than she ever thought was possible. Without further thinking, she'd dipped her head and kissed Maya.
It was sloppy; uncoordinated. Emily stumbled against her, losing her balance. She ended up sandwiching Maya between herself and the wall in an effort to stay standing.
Her mind drifted to Paige. She tried to pretend that it was Paige she was kissing; pretend that Paige wasn't doing god-knows-what with Troy; pretend that the last month had been nothing but a horrible nightmare that she would soon wake up from.
But Maya was too short; her hands not firm enough but not gentle enough either as they pressed into her back. She wasn't kissing her the right way.
Emily suddenly felt a sharp pain in her arm. She pulled away from Maya abruptly, turning to see Hanna. "Sorry, Maya, but Emily has to go." Hanna wrapped her hand firmly around Emily's upper arm, beginning to drag her away.
"What the hell?" she growled. "Get off of me." Hanna didn't listen, instead just pushed her through the tight crowd who were booing at her for some reason ("Way to ruin the show, Hanna!"). Emily was too drunk to put up much of a fight.
As soon as they got outside, Emily found it difficult to stay up straight without all the people to hold onto for support. She felt Hanna's arm go around her waist, slinging Emily's arm around her shoulder.
Her limbs felt heavy. Why weren't her feet moving when she told them to?
Hanna groaned. "For god's sake, Emily! Walk!"
"I'm trying," she whined. They managed to get a few steps before Emily's legs gave way, Hanna unable to stop her from hitting the ground. She didn't even feel any pain; all she felt was how good the cool pavement felt against her hot cheek.
"This is useless," she heard Hanna say up above her. Emily's eyes closed, quickly opening them again because it felt like the world was spinning and tilting and it was making her dizzy.
"Caleb, I'm outside. No, I know- just come meet me please. I need help with Emily. Okay, bye." Emily tried to sit up but struggled. Her head felt like it had a lead weight attached to it. Hanna leaned down to help her, looking around the front yard. "Shit," she muttered.
"What?" Her head lolled back again, Hanna having to catch her before she hit the ground once more. Hanna rested Emily's head against her shoulder, both of them now sitting on the ground.
"Paige; I don't know where she went."
"She's with… Troy." The name left a bad taste in her mouth. She wished Hanna would stop moving her head; it was making her feel sick. "She went out the back door with him; I saw."
"No, she's not with Troy, Emily. Listen, Paige saw you." Emily moved with great difficulty to stare up at Hanna, not understanding. "Paige saw you, Emily. She saw you kissing Maya. I tried to stop her but I couldn't."
Emily could only gaze blankly at her, before a snort of laughter escaped her. She giggled stupidly, unable to stop once she started. No, Hanna was mistaken. Paige had gone outside with Troy. She couldn't have seen her. She couldn't.
Once her laughter subsided, she looked back at Hanna to see her face looking far too serious. "Why aren't you laughing?" she mumbled.
"Because I wasn't joking." Emily's smile slowly started to falter as the words started to sink in. No. This wasn't happening. Paige couldn't have-
Her mouth started to water, her jaw feeling slack. She quickly leaned to the side, emptying the entire contents of her stomach onto the path. She felt Hanna shuffling back, holding her hair out of the way as she ran a gentle hand over her back.
"No," she started crying softly once her stomach stopped heaving. "No. I'm sorry. Paige, I love you, I'm sorry."
Suddenly she was being picked up, her head falling against a strong chest, all the while whispering, "I'm sorry," over and over again.
"Hanna, open the door," she heard a deep voice say. It was Caleb; Caleb was carrying her. She felt him lay her down in the backseat of the car. "Emily, please tell me if you need to throw up again and I'll pull over, okay?"
"Can you take her back to my place and put her in my bed? Her mom can't see her like this; she'll kill her."
"Sure, where are you going?"
"I need to find Paige."
Paige. Emily's body started shaking as she began to cry harder, pressing her bracelet that she still hadn't taken off against her lips. Paige. I love you so much. I'm sorry.
Paige
She found herself back at the bench where Emily had broken up with her. She didn't even remember getting here. She could barely make out a thing in the darkness. She knew it was dangerous; there could be a murderer lurking a few feet away and she wouldn't know, but she didn't care. She felt like she was already dead.
Silent tears poured down her face in quiet acceptance of the fact she had lost Emily; truly lost her. She couldn't even shut her eyes because every time she did she saw Emily kissing Maya which made her chest so painfully tight that she was sure her heart was about to give in.
She had no idea how long she had sat there for before she heard her phone buzzing. Without looking to see who it was, she put it to her ear.
"Hello?" Her voice sounded foreign to her own ears.
"Paige, where the hell did you go? I told you to wait outside." Hanna sounded stressed.
"I am outside."
She could practically hear Hanna rolling her eyes. "Where outside are you? I can't see you anywhere."
She didn't have the energy to tell her anything but the truth. "I'm sitting on a bench in the woods." She sighed, figuring that if she didn't give her exact location Hanna would just harass her until she did. "It's about ten minutes into the nature trail."
"Have you completely lost your mind?" Hanna shrieked. Yes, Paige thought. "Get out of there! Please? I'll meet you at start of the trail."
Paige knew that Hanna, much like any rational thinking person, didn't want to walk into the woods in the pitch black, but knew that she would if she had to. Paige might have been willing to risk her own safety, but not Hanna's. "Fine," she answered, hanging up and beginning to head back.
As she walked, Emily and Maya filled her head again. What were they doing now? Had they found a more private spot? Were Maya's hands roaming all over Emily's body? Was Emily's hand slowly creeping up underneath Maya's shirt?
Paige felt a sharp pain in her hand which had formed into a fist, her thumb ring digging into her skin. Her eyes locked onto the ring, rage building up inside her. She came to a stop, angrily pulling it off and clenching her hand around it.
Fuck you, Emily. FUCK YOU.
A loud sob echoed around the still air. She drew back her hand, ready to throw the ring as far as she could into the trees, but she changed her mind about halfway through. She fumbled the ring with her fingertips. She lost her grip, the ring falling from her grasp, hearing a small thud a few feet away.
She suddenly found herself on her knees, scrambling around blindly in the dirt trying to find it, panic consuming her.
"Fuck," she whispered through her tears. "Fuck!" She banged her fist on the ground, leaning back on her heels hopelessly. After giving herself a moment to just cry, she pulled her phone back out of her pocket. The light she got from it was weak, not able to cover more than a few inches of the ground at a time, but it was better than nothing.
She focused on where she thought she heard it fall, scanning her phone slowly over the dirt. Just as she was about to give up and cry some more, she saw a glint of something. She quickly directed the light in the direction, sighing in relief when she saw her ring lying in amongst some dried out leaves.
She clenched her hand around it tightly, pressing her fist against her mouth as her shoulders slumped. After a minute, she staggered to her feet, feeling completely drained.
She slipped the ring back onto her thumb as she walked. She wasn't exactly sure why, but it calmed her.
She finally saw light illuminating from the street lamps up ahead, Hanna pacing anxiously back and forth in the clearing. Paige saw her visibly relax when she came into view.
"Thank god," she said, throwing her arms around her. Paige didn't even have the energy to respond, her arms hanging limply at her sides. Hanna pulled back. She looked worried as she took in Paige's dirt-covered appearance. "Are you okay?"
Well, that was a stupid question. She didn't answer, instead moving off to sit on a nearby wall.
"So, Caleb took Emily back to my place," Hanna said quietly, sitting beside her.
Paige let out a snort of laughter. They really had come full circle; Caleb taking Emily home after something horrendous had occurred on a night out; things as fucked up as ever.
"What's funny?" Hanna asked, confused.
"Absolutely nothing," Paige grimaced, her jaw twitching. Well, at least Emily wasn't off having sex with Maya. Not yet, anyway.
A few more silent tears leaked from her eyes. Hanna ran a hand over her back as Paige wiped them away, sniffing loudly. "Well, I guess this is it then."
She saw Hanna turning to look at her out of the corner of her eye. "What do you mean?"
"That's it between Emily and me. She got her wish; she's out to everyone now. She can't go backwards; she doesn't want me anymore." I was too late.
Hanna exhaled sharply, pulling her hand from her back. "You're unbelievable." Paige frowned, turning to look at her. "How can you say that when you know it's absolute bullcrap?" Paige looked away from Hanna's angry eyes.
"Then why did she kiss Maya?" she asked, her voice cracking. "Why?"
"Emily saw you going out back with Troy. I'm figuring that had something to do with it," Hanna hissed. "She doesn't even like Maya like that and you know it. You're an idiot, Paige." Paige suddenly remembered Emily shouting the same thing at her when they had been talking about her date with Troy. "Emily doesn't want anyone else but you. Why do you think she was so drunk tonight? She's hurting and doesn't know how to deal with it. Seeing you with Troy sent her over the edge. I think you broke her, Paige. You broke her."
Paige jumped up off of the wall in anger. "Are we forgetting the part where Emily dumped me? I told her that I loved her and she-" Her body deflated just as quickly as it had tensed. "She still left me."
"For your own good! All she wanted was for you to realise that you couldn't stay a secret forever, but you were too deluded to see it. She was waiting for you, Paige! Waiting for you to come to your senses, and instead of using the time to properly accept yourself, you went on a date with a guy! Surely you can see how messed up that is?"
After a moment, Paige's eyes widened, the enormity of the situation finally hitting her. What she had done; what Emily had done; all of it. She started sobbing.
Hanna guided her to sit on the wall again, Paige taking in deep, heaving breaths. "Emily was waiting for me?" she managed to choke out. If what Hanna was saying was true, was there still hope? Was there still hope for them?
"Yes! And she still is. That's what I've been trying to tell you," Hanna said gently, squeezing her shoulder. Paige suddenly smiled through her tears, trying to wrap her mind around the information.
"Do you know," Hanna started, rolling her eyes with smile. "Even between the throwing up and all the crying, Emily couldn't stop saying your name; couldn't stop saying how sorry she was." Paige really was an idiot. "She loves you, Paige. And she always will; no matter how many insanely dumb things you do."
Paige smiled softly, knowing the words were true. She couldn't believe that she had gotten it into her head that Emily didn't want her anymore; not after everything they had shared. Paige was so in love with Emily that it had made her stupid; so incredibly stupid.
But she had a clear head now.
"Saying that though," Hanna continued. "I think you're at a point where it's either make or break; for good. You can only drive Emily away so many times before she won't come back, no matter how she feels about you." Paige nodded, understanding what Hanna was saying. It had taken this long, taken all this shit for her to finally realise it, but she now knew what Emily had meant when she said that they could never work; not as long as Paige had all this anxiety and paranoia surrounding her. And there was only one way to get rid of that.
I'm gay.
She had a possible second chance with Emily and she wasn't going to let herself ruin it.
She knew what she had to do.
A/N: Sorry that this update is late, but as you can see it's quite a bit longer than usual so I hope you'll forgive me. And sorry if this chapter put you through the wringer, but this is pretty much rock bottom. Things can only go up from here, I promise.
Thanks for all the reviews. They mean the world.