WARNING: If you are sensitive about the topic of suicide, then perhaps you shouldn't read this chapter. I'm sorry.
I didn't find out what happened to Kasai-san until Friday. And it was honestly one of the real reasons I hated social media.
Someone had taken a picture of the suicide note and somehow it had found its way online.
And I didn't know what was worse: the fact that I, like everyone else, read the note or that I had received a personal mention in it.
To my parents,
I'm sorry.
I cannot ask for your forgiveness.
I just hope you will be happier without a daughter as weak as I am.
To my little sister,
You can have all my clothes, even my favourite kimono, you have always been more beautiful than me and you will look good in it so don't let them bury me in it.
You are braver than I could ever be and always remember that I love you.
To the girl that tried to stop me,
Thank you for showing me that not all school girls are cruel.
I did return with a rope, but you'd gone.
I'm sorry.
The biggest mistake I made was reading this while at work. I had popped to the loo and had decided to check my phone. I didn't dare read the comments under the photo. But I stared at the image of the letter as tears ran down my face.
She had hung herself in the school gym, for the same reason she had planned to go down the sewer; so she wouldn't be found until it was too late.
When I finally realised that I had been in the bathroom for a while, I wiped my eyes angrily and shoved my phone back in my pocket.
What was I angry at though?
The people that had shared her final message?
The fact that she had gone ahead and killed herself?
Or the fact that I hadn't remained for her to return?
Taking a deep breath, I headed back out into the main office and turned the radio on, hoping it would distract me from my painful thoughts.
The radio was something I had brought in the previous day to make my filing tasks slightly less tedious. Dancing along to pop songs while going about my tasks did make it slightly more enjoyable.
But today was just not my day.
"Breaking news!" The announcer broke through the current song. "A leaked police report has indicated that a mass murder took place late Tuesday night."
"Mai will you turn that down." I whipped around to see Naru standing in his office doorway.
"Sorry." I whimpered and made to turn the radio down.
"The report says that at least 30 men have died, believed to be part of some sort of gang with Yakuza ties." The announcer continued.
"Wait." Naru ordered and I paused with my fingers over the volume control.
"The culprit is believed to be physically fit, blue eyed, 175-180cm tall, of a wiry build with a potential stomach wound."
I felt my eyes widen.
I looked round at Naru, who stared back at me; his eyes were silently begging me to stay quiet.
"What a tragedy." I said carefully as I turned the radio off.
"Yes." He agreed. "Quite."
"I'll get back to work then."
"You've been crying." He stated.
"Yes." I agreed.
"Let's go."
"Where?" I asked, frowning.
"I'll take you home."
"It's fine. I can keep working."
He did not reply, but gave me an odd look. I wished I could understand what he was trying to say with it. It was almost as if he was reprimanding me for something, but I didn't know what.
I picked up my school bag in defeat as Naru informed Lin of where we were going.
I followed Naru down out of the office and to the black van they had been in the other day.
I didn't bother to question whether or not he had a license, or if he was old enough for one.
I did question when he put glasses on though.
"Do you need glasses?" I asked as he started the engine.
"Narumi Kazuo needs glasses." He replied.
"Is that just an alias? Or did you steal that license?" I asked.
"A license with a photo that looks identical to me?" He replied sarcastically.
"Well you could've stolen it off your twin or something!" I retorted.
He replied with a sharp inhale of his breath.
"Why were you crying?" He asked, a few minutes later and I waited a moment before replying.
"You remember when we fell in that drain? The girl that was there before you turned up, Kasai-san, she committed suicide." I whispered as saying it too loudly made it all too real. "Someone had posted her suicide note online. I got a personal mention."
"She used your name?"
"No, but it was obvious it was aimed at me."
There were a few more minutes of awkward silence.
"Don't blame yourself." He said finally. "If people knew what death really meant, no one would ever commit suicide."
"That's an interesting thing for you, of all people, to say." I pointed out. He couldn't hide it any more. The description the radio had given was too perfect for it to be anyone else. I wanted to ask another question, but he cut me off before the words even made it to my mouth.
"Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to Mai."
"You know, she said the same thing to me." I replied quietly. "Kasai-san did. She committed suicide and I should've stopped her. Should I stop you?"
But as usual, Naru did not answer. Though perhaps this time it was because my question had actually given him reason to pause and think…
He pulled up outside my apartment and I jumped out.
"Thanks for the lift."
And I slammed the door shut behind me.
The young man sat with the van parked for longer than he should have.
His mind was clouded with thoughts and worries and a lack of wanting to return to his partner. His partner would have found out by now and be angry with him. He had no desire to battle him tonight.
The young man eventually started the van and returned to his office. Yet he only stayed there for a few minutes.
Long enough to receive a dark glare and share a few words.
But he didn't want to be himself or any of his covers tonight.
He could be anyone he wanted and tonight, he was going to be a friend.
I had only been home for half an hour before I heard the strange noise. The awkward thing was that I had been in the toilet when I heard it and my knife was in my bedroom.
My initial plan was to hide in the toilet until the noise had gone away. But an all too familiar voice told me it was safe to come out.
"Do you ever enter via the front door?" I asked exasperatedly as I exited the bathroom.
"No." Naru replied curtly.
"Why are you here?"
"You've been crying again." He pointed out, ignoring my question.
"Yes, how on earth did you work it out?" I replied. "Was it the red blotchy patches on my face? The runny nose? Or the tear tracks?"
"You have wet patches on your shirt."
I looked down and saw two dark stains. For some stupid reason, this made more tears leak out of my eyes.
"That isn't going to help." He said quietly, using a thumb to gently wipe away my tears. I stared up at him. How could a man who had killed so many others be so gentle with me?
"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"You left without making tea." He said.
"Only because you made me leave." I walked down the corridor towards my kitchen.
"Will you shut the curtains?" He asked, remaining in the corridor and out of view of the windows. I looked back at him for a moment before complying, then I returned to the kitchen and began to make tea.
"Do you want to anything to eat? I don't have much but…"
"Are you cooking for yourself?"
"I was planning to cook chips." I admitted. I had a whole bag of them in the freezer.
"Chips sound wonderful." He said almost kindly as I handed him his cup of tea.
After I had put the chips in the oven, I joined him on the sofa with my own mug.
"You know the thing that happened the other day…" I started, but hurried on before he could interrupt. "Before you said that I couldn't afford your charge. What was the price for that?"
"A figure that no one could ever pay." He said quietly, yet didn't elaborate.
"If they couldn't pay, why did you do it?"
"I couldn't afford not to, not yet."
He was speaking in riddles that my brain was too tired to decipher.
"Do you want to watch a film?" I asked a few minutes later. He nodded.
"You pick." He said quietly as he stared at the opposite wall as if mesmerised.
And so I did, I searched through my titles before setting my sight on The Eye. I held up the cover so he could see what I had picked before putting the disk into the DVD player.
"What is it with you and crappy horror films?" He asked. "You jump at them every time and yet they are all awful."
"I used to watch them with my mum." I admitted, smiling sadly. He nodded and didn't seem to need any further explanation, so I sat back down on the sofa and waited for the main menu to appear.
About ten minutes into the film, a timer beeped, announcing that the chips were cooked. I made to pause the film, but Naru stayed my hand and got up to sort the food out. I was about to tell him where the ketchup was, before remembering that he'd been through my entire apartment.
He came back a few minutes later with a large plate of chips with a puddle of ketchup at the edge.
"Thanks." I said. He shrugged my words away and we both tucked into the food.
After a few minutes of silent eating, a thought occurred to me.
"Aren't you scared I'd poison your food or your tea?"
"Why would you do that?"
"I wouldn't." I replied. "But I could do."
"I could have slit your throat."
"But you didn't."
"And neither will you."
I nodded at his words, and took a few more chips.
"How much would I be worth?"
"In what terms?"
"How much would someone have to pay you to kill me?" I elaborated while slightly scared of the answer.
He didn't say a word. Perhaps that was for the best…
I didn't really want to know how much my life was worth.
Once the chips were finished, we continued to watch the film. Though I don't think either of us was really watching it. I, at least, was too caught up in my own thoughts to concentrate on the film.
I couldn't help but think about Kasai-san. How I should have stopped her. How I could have saved her. And that even though we had spoken for a matter of minutes, she had considered me worth mentioning in her final message to the world.
And then there was the fact that a known murderer was sitting beside me. Who I had just stared tea and chips with!
Had he come round just so I wouldn't cry alone?
That thought was enough to bring more tears to my eyes.
And the murderer wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his chest and I sobbed into his shirt.
He didn't say anything to me, but held me against him until I ran out of tears.
"Go and get ready for bed." He said quietly, releasing me from his grip as the film ended.
It wasn't even that late yet, but I complied.
I returned to the living room in my baggy pyjamas.
"Are you going to leave?" I asked.
"I should." He replied, handing me a glass of water that I accepted gratefully.
"Are you going to?"
"Not yet."
I gave him a small smile, and he took my hand and led me towards my bedroom.
"Get into bed." He said. "You should sleep, crying that much is tiring and your eyes will be appreciative for the respite."
I nodded and slid under the duvet. Naru sat down beside me, like a parent might to a child.
"Thank you." I whispered.
"We have a practical case tomorrow. Wear comfortable shoes and a warm coat."
"Okay."
"Your earlier question…" He looked away before continuing. "I would refuse any offer."
"Why?"
"Though in a different sense, for the same reason I did not kill Hara Masako."
More riddles, I thought bitterly. But before I could ask more questions, he pressed his lips to my forehead and left.
Author's note: Well I shoved that warning at the beginning because writing Kasai's suicide note made me cry. Possibly because I've read one before and it's not nice and I wanted to warn you all.
When I started writing today, I intended to write something to break all your hearts but it kinda turned a bit fluffy.
Yesterday I spent 12 hours in the Learning Commons. Today I spent 9 hours. So I'm sorry for not uploading yesterday, but I literally came home and slept! I only wrote today at encouragement from a dear friend.
Please review and send me your thoughts and predictions!