Author's Note:
Two chapters uploaded in one night? A treat for those who care :)
As always, reviews are very much appreciated!
It was evening when they reached the city. Hawke and the rest of them accompanied Saemus to the Keep. He bust open the doors unannounced, and found his father seated at his desk with the Seneschal by his side.
"Saemus!" The man exclaimed, standing to greet him, "My son, are you well?"
"No, father, I'm not." He confronted him, "My friend was just killed by the mercenaries you sent to rescue me!"
"Your friend? I'm so sorry, son, I had heard you were alone, save for the Qunari who'd taken you."
"The Qunari was my friend!" Saemus shouted, "He's dead and you don't even know his name!"
The look on his father's face was something between worry and disgust.
"Bran, close the doors." At his word the Seneschal moved behind them, and did as he was asked, "Hawke, thank you for rescuing my son. You will be rewarded."
"Ser, your son holds more wisdom than you see." Hawke commented, "To fight the other is anyone's first instinct, but to seek understanding and attempt to make peace-"
"My word, ser, please forgive this intrusion into personal matters." The Seneschal said, and hurriedly ushered Hawke and the others out of the room.
As agreed, the man handed Hawke a sack of coins and sent him on his way.
"So that's it then?" Anders asked, seemingly agitated.
"Yes." The pain in Hawke's voice was evident, but no one commented on it.
"Actually, Hawke, I was going to do some checking." Varric told him, "I'll let you know if anything turns up."
"Then I'll retire to the clinic, and remain there, should anyone need me." Anders told them, then departed. Varric was close behind him, leaving Hawke and Fenris alone in silence.
"Will you be leaving as well?" The elf asked.
"Yes, I think I'll go home." Hawke said, "It's late, and if you're up for it, we have a discussion to finish."
Fenris nodded and followed him out.
After spending several hours at the Hanged Man, Saemus Dumar entered the Keep as quietly as he could, given his staggering gait, and walked straight into his father who was waiting by the stairs.
"You're inebriated." The Viscount said bluntly.
"Mmhmm," He murmured.
"Saemus… I know that Qunari was your friend, and that this isn't easy for you, but really-"
"He wasn't just my friend." The boy told him, "… I loved him."
The Viscount's eyes grew wide, and he quickly checked over his shoulder to see if anyone was watching them.
"Don't bother." Saemus laughed dryly, "Everyone in Kirkwall already knows, it's just no one's got the gall to tell you."
"Alright, so you loved him." The Viscount said, almost as if he were trying to convince himself, "And that was foolish of you, I mean, it's not as if the Qunari are capable of such things."
"You know nothing of the Qunari!" Saemus shouted.
"I know they are heathens who deny the Maker and soil the minds of our people." The Viscount flared, shouting right back, "More than that should not matter!"
"Fine" Saemus scoffed, going towards the stairs, "But you should know that heathen fucked me in your bed."
"Saemus!" The man was outraged, but the boy didn't stop. He merely ascended the stairs and went to his room, locking the door behind him.
He remained there for the rest of the night and the next day, not even leaving to eat. At some point he looked out the window and saw three men moving his father's old, gilded oak bed into a wagon, and then they hauled it away. Of course his father wouldn't have been satisfied with just changing the sheets…
It was well into the night when Saemus left his room. He had intended to leave quietly, but his father caught him again.
"Where are you going?" The Viscount asked, and Saemus wondered just how long he'd been waiting for him.
"To Hawke's." He said plainly, "He's a human, an Andrastian, and he's even nobility. What could you possibly object for?"
"I love you, son." His father said, unexpectedly, "Be safe."
There was a knock at the door, and Hawke answered it eagerly. Saemus noticed something was off about the older man, but he couldn't quite place what it was.
"Hawke" He spoke, "Are you… alright?"
"Yes, sorry, I… thought you might be Fenris." The man confessed, "Would you like to come in?"
The boy nodded and followed him inside quietly.
"We have some leftover roast if you're interested." Hawke offered, "And there's also an entire cabinet of liquor in the kitchen."
"The roast sounds wonderful, I'm starving." Saemus smiled, "But I'll pass on the liquor, I'm still a bit hung over from last night."
Hawke nodded and they journeyed into the kitchen, fully intending to serve themselves, but Orana had heard the door and was eagerly making her way down the steps as they passed.
She fussed over him too much, but he never scolded her, as he guessed it was all she could do to stay sane after everything she'd been through.
She turned to Saemus, "I can heat the roast for you, messere, but it will take time."
"Just bring it out cold," Hawke answered for him, "I can out broil that old stove any day." He winked at her, and she smiled.
When she returned with a plate Hawke set it between his hands, and suddenly the room grew warmer. Saemus was in awe of him.
The mage slid the plate across the table to his guest, who wasted no time eating. Hawke merely watched as he threw one forkful after another into his mouth.
"If you'd like to fetch him a glass of water, I would be grateful." Hawke said to the servant, and she quickly went back to the kitchen.
"Let me guess," Hawke began with a grin, "You decided to hole up in your room, and only after you were committed, did you realize that you hadn't eaten since yesterday."
Saemus swallowed, "Yes, that's… Exactly what happened, actually." He smirked, "Are you reading my mind with blood magic?"
"Nah, I've got no interest in slitting my wrists and dancing in the moonlight, thank you very much." Hawke mused, "It was just a guess based on observation."
Orana returned with his water just in time, as the boy's laughter had nearly choked him.
"That will be all, dear." Hawke smiled at her, "You should return to bed and get some rest."
She nodded politely and dismissed herself.
"So she's your…?"
"Servant." Hawke answered, then chuckled, "Why doesn't anyone ever assume I'm paying her? Even my own mother thought I'd brought home a slave."
"I just keep waiting for Hightown to get to you." Saemus said honestly, "To turn you into someone else, but it hasn't. You're stronger than most of the people here Hawke. You don't let the world tell you who you are." The boy told him, admiring him slightly, "And that reminds me, I still need to thank you."
"Oh yes, it's long overdue." Hawke teased, "What exactly are you thanking me for?"
"See, it's partially your fault." Saemus began, wiping his mouth, "You told me that you said something to the Arishok about me, though you didn't say what, just that it might have helped to sway him."
"Yes, I recall that."
"You lied." Saemus smirked.
"No, I just didn't tell you the whole truth." Hawke laughed.
"Like hell you didn't." The boy quipped, "You told him you respected me, and since he respects you, that's basically the same as me having earned his favor in the first place!"
"Really? That's wonderful!" Hawke said, though he obviously knew.
"You're a dick." Saemus told him, reaching to take a sip of his water, "You know that?"
"Well, as the saying goes, you are what you eat so I suppose-" Saemus nearly died. He choked down the water, coughing violently.
"You… Did you just-" He was in disbelief, "I've never seen you like this, you…" Suddenly he was reminded of something he'd overheard at the Hanged Man. The dwarf, the one who followed Hawke, he'd said something about how the man would shoulder his pain with…
Saemus looked up slowly, his smile fading as the pieces fell into place, "Hawke, where is Fenris?"
The man across from him lowered his eyes, "He… left, just a few hours ago." Then he met the younger man's gaze, "How did you know something was wrong?"
"I overheard your friend talking at the Hanged Man one time. Varric, I think it was?" Saemus pondered, "Anyway, he once said that you hid your pain through humor. Didn't think anything of it at the time, but now…"
"Your memory is quite amazing." Hawke smiled, "But you've nothing to worry about, I'm fine."
"Would you care to tell me what happened?" Saemus offered, laying on a smirk, "I mean, if you think my memory's impressive then my listening skills will blow you away."
Hawke smiled at that, "Alright."
They made their way upstairs and settled in his room, a fire brewing in the hearth that almost felt unnatural. Upon closer inspection, he realized that there was no tinder inside.
"Does your magic keep it lit?" Saemus asked, and Hawke nodded, "That's incredible."
"Thanks." He said, "You may also be interested to know that I've never taken a cold bath in my life. Neither has Bethany, my sister. She's a mage as well."
"I thought you had two siblings?" Saemus asked.
"Yes, the other is Carver." Hawke replied, "He's normal, so his baths were a bit chilly I'm afraid. Maybe that's why he hated Bethany and I so much."
"You think he hated you?" The boy raised a brow.
"I know there are three mages in our family, and he ran off to join the Templars." Hawke remarked, "It doesn't exactly convey adoration."
"Is Fenris magical as well?" Saemus inquired, "His hair is white as snow, and those markings..."
"Magical? Yes. But he's no mage." The man told him, "He's a warrior mostly, with a few perks."
"Does he… love you?"
Hawke hesitated at that.
"I had hoped so, despite everything that's wrong with the idea," Hawke sighed, "Now I'm not so sure."
"Well, I can't see why he wouldn't." Saemus comforted him, "Nor can I grasp why he would leave you."
"I… Pushed him. Too far, too fast." Hawke tried, "We'd never… spent the night together, until tonight, and when it was over he said it had dredged up memories that he thought he had lost." He paused, "For all that I would do to put his skeletons back in the closet, he believes he must do it alone."
"It's good that you love him, then." Saemus said, laying a hand on his thigh, "He may not see it now, but he needs you if he's going to survive his past. Not everything can be conquered alone."
"Sometimes I feel that I'm the only person he won't let close." Hawke confessed, "Not that he's close to anyone at all, but none of the others have tried to know him."
"Then why would you think he's just pushing you away?"
"Because I'm a mage." Hawke said, his eyelids closed but Saemus could feel the pain in the spheres that lay behind them, "Magic, in and of itself, disgusts him. Everything in his life that magic has touched has hurt him, utterly and completely."
"Do you think that's why he hadn't come to your bed?"
"I think it's why he hadn't come to me at all." Hawke said, gazing into the fire, "Every time I touched him he would flinch away as though I burned him. And maybe I did. The marks in his skin are lyrium, which reacts with mana."
They were silent for a moment, then Saemus spoke, "You said that magic has always hurt him. But you are a mage, and you haven't."
"I did tonight." Hawke said sadly, "I think… I let go when I was with him. I was a little less controlled, and perhaps I released more mana than I thought." The man pondered, "His markings did glow, I know he felt me… Maybe that's what dragged his memories to the surface."
"You can't blame yourself for that." Saemus argued, "If not you, then someone else would have brought them to his mind. It was only a matter of time."
"You think so?" Hawke said, his pale blue eyes locking their gaze.
Laying a hand on his shoulder, Saemus reassured him, "I know so."
Silence passed between them, and they sat for a moment, just watching the flames dance in their bed.
"I like you like this." Saemus told him.
"What, depressed? Utterly morose?"
"Real."
Hawke leaned forward, and Saemus closed his eyes, trusting the man even though he had no idea what to expect. But there was nothing to fear, as he simply pressed their foreheads together.
"Thank you." He whispered.
"For what?" Saemus asked.
"For being on my side." It was an homage to their earlier conversation, Saemus knew, and he cherished it. If no other person in the world understood him, Hawke did.
He broke their touch only to move closer, wrapping his arms around the older man's chest. Hawke embraced him as well, resting his head on the boy's shoulder. He couldn't remember the last time someone had just… held him that way.
"I love you, Saemus." Hawke sighed, and his tone harbored a sense of gentle affection, "Promise me, no matter what happens in this damned city, that you and I, we'll always be friends."
"Always." He promised, "If the Qunari have taught me only one thing, it is that even when you and I, and everyone we know have become dust, our bond will remain."
They pulled away, and Hawke stood, going to the bed. Saemus followed him, and as the older man lay on his side, he stretched out opposite him. Their heads were a bare inch apart, both of them curled up facing each other. He removed something from his pocket, and rolled it thoughtfully between his fingers. It was a pearl, Hawke recognized.
"You had that with you when we left the Wounded Coast that day." The mage noted.
"I found it with Ashaad." Saemus told him, "When he saw it he spoke of a story his people tell, about a man who spent his entire life searching for one."
"Would you tell it to me sometime?" Hawke's question resonated within him, and he realized it was the exact conversation he'd had with Ashaad. Pain filled him, and escaped in the form of tears that barreled down his cheeks.
"I never got to hear it." Saemus confessed, "But he said the story teaches us that 'a journey is just if it leads you to what you seek'."
"That in itself is beautiful." Hawke mused.
"That's what I thought." Saemus said, "I think it comforted me." A sigh escaped him, and felt the need to explain, "I spent my entire life feeling like an outcast among the people here, then I met him and my journey began. He's what I was seeking, Hawke."
"It doesn't have to end there." The mage said.
"I know." Saemus agreed, "Tomorrow an entirely new journey will begin for me." He met the man's eyes, and said, "Tomorrow I'm going to the compound. I want to go before the Arishok and avow myself as Viddathari. I want to convert to the Qun."
"Would it be alright if I came with you?" Hawke questioned.
Saemus smiled, "I was just about to ask."