Chapter 9

Sheldon was pacing around his office. He had all his supplies to stay there overnight. All he needed to do was focus and concentrate on dark matter. He looked at his white boards filled with equations. Dark matter…dark matter. Amy's hair is dark and silky. No no….concentrate! He was completely losing all focus, it was hard to think when there was so much pressure. He glanced at his phone. It was almost six o'clock, and that meant he was supposed to sleep for two hours. He wasn't tired at all though. Well it was the first day, and the schedule needed to work through its kinks. He was going to use this time to talk to Missy anyways. It would be 8 pm in Texas, so it would be a good time to call as the baby should be asleep by then. Sheldon heard a ding coming from his computer.

He walked up, and saw that he had an email from Amy. He quickly read the email, and then he read it again, and then once more. She only wanted to talk to him by email once a day. She was giving serious thought about their relationship. He started to feel a panic stir in his stomach. Why was she questioning their relationship?

Sheldon started up Skype, and picked his twin sister's smiling icon. The video started up, and suddenly a chubby cheeked dark haired blue-eyed baby appeared on the screen. Sheldon smiled, the baby looked so much like him and Missy when they were babies.

"Cayden!" Sheldon smiled. "What are you doing up?"

"Hey Shellybean! I'm just getting the hubby to put down the baby. I thought you might want to see him before he goes to bed." Missy said from behind the baby's head.

"I do. He's gotten so big! Hi Cayden..it's your Dr. Uncle Cooper"

"Swelleebeeee" Cayden gurgled.

"Swellybee? Did you teach him that?" Sheldon asked.

"Well, when he sees your picture on the wall, I say that's my brother Shellybean. And mom always calls you Shelly when he sees your picture at her house. So now he knows you as Swellybee"

Sheldon smirked "Well, I guess I've been called worse. It's cute when he says it." Missy's husband Greg walked into the room and picked up the baby.

"Hey Shelly, gonna put down the little one. Hope you're doing well." He took the squirmy baby out of the room.

Missy stood up and shut the door, then sat back down in front of the computer. "So Shelly, what's up? You said you really needed to talk?"

"Ummm yeah.…How's mom? How's MeeMaw?" Sheldon asked.

"They're fine. Shelly, I can tell that you are stalling. Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Aaahhh"

"Could this be about Amy?" Missy smiled.

"Um..yes, this is about Amy." Sheldon quickly ran through the previous nights events with Missy. He told her about Amy's bad day, her fight with Penny and Bernadette, their conversation back her apartment. Sheldon put his head down into his hands and sighed "I don't know what to do Missy? I really don't know what to do…"

Missy looked sadly at her twin. She hated to see him suffering so much. "Shelly, is this true? That you two haven't been intimate? I just kind of assumed since you two have been together for so many years now."

Oh God…what a conversation to be having with your own sister. Sheldon felt so embarrassed.

"Missy, you know I never planned on having a girlfriend. I dedicated my life to science. I wasn't going to let a silly relationship get in the way of me getting my Nobel. But I met Amy, and everything changed. I mean, she is brilliant, I still want my Nobel, but I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to her."

"Well it sounds like, you love her and she loves you. You are both inexperienced, so what is the problem? You two can learn everything together."

"I can't let her…I can't let her touch me like that. I get panicked, I start freaking out… Missy you know I don't like people touching me."

"I know you don't like MOST people touching you. That is not a hard and fast rule with you. I can touch you, Mom can touch you, you melt into Mee-Maw's arms every time you see her. I've seen Leonard and Penny touch you. Why can't Amy touch you, when you claim you love her?" Missy questioned.

Sheldon looked at his sister pondering her words. Amy's touch was different. It wasn't a touch of family or close friends. He felt his whole body tingle when she touched him, he could feel himself losing control. He was losing control, and he needed control in his life.

"I need to be in control" he whispered. "I don't feel in control with Amy."

"Shelly, you try to control absolutely everything in your life. How you eat, drink, play, work…everything is to your rigid schedule. Love isn't like that. Love is about letting go."

"I can't not be in control, everything goes wrong when I'm not in control." Sheldon argued.

"Things are not the way it was when we were kids anymore Shelly! I know why you have a desperate need for control. Mom and Dad screaming at each other all day, the drinking, Dad cheating, screaming at us all the time, George Jr. getting whooped constantly, you getting beaten up by the neighbourhood kids for being an obnoxious twerp. It was total chaos at home, and you needed order. I know your brain thinks differently than everyone elses. When you left home when you were eleven, I knew it wasn't easy for you. You were just a little kid, in school with college age kids. I know how you deal…you make schedules, you follow everything to a certain order, so that you are in control and you don't have to feel your feelings, cause you are too busy making sure everything is done just so!"

Missy started tearing up, "You know Shelly, it wasn't easy for me either. You left me alone with them when we were eleven. I didn't have anyone by my side anymore during all the fighting. I was so scared all the time. George Jr. was never home, he dealt by keeping out of the house most of time. I was all alone when Dad died…"

"I was alone too…in another country." Sheldon's eyes were going red with tears.

"I guess it was pretty awful for all of us. We just dealt with it in different ways. George Jr. dealt by partying with his friends and drinking, I dealt with it by giving my affections to whoever would give me attention, you dealt with it by throwing yourself into your studies and trying to control your entire environment."

"So where does that leave us? I don't know if I can give up that control. It's the only thing that gives me a sense of peace in my life."

"Shelly…" Missy paused and looked up at her brother "Shelly, you are going to lose Amy if you don't change. You need to make a decision on whether you'd rather lose a bit of your controlled life or lose Amy."

"Amy is not going to leave me. She loves me. She knows how I am, and she accepts that." Sheldon replied.

"Can't you see that those girls brought up all her insecurities? She's not happy, she wants to be with you and you push her away every time you feel like you are losing control. She doesn't know what is going on in your head. All she sees is you constantly pushing her away. If she feels insecure about your feelings for her and her looks, and then her boyfriend is constantly pushing her away, what is she to do? No woman is that strong to put up with that kind of life forever. It sounds like she is hitting her limit. If you don't want to make that effort to change, and you really love her, you need to let her go."

"No, I don't want to lose Amy. I love her, I want her in my life."

"Then you really need to step up. If you are with someone you love and trust, then letting yourself go to your emotions isn't a bad thing. It can feel wonderful, it can be a huge release. You'll find you and Amy being even closer because you have this new bond and trust between the two of you."

"But I don't want that…I don't want to feel like I need Amy" Sheldon said softly.

"Why?" Missy looked at him puzzled.

"Cause I don't think I could handle it, if she left." Sheldon said trembling. "I couldn't go on. I'm not strong like mom. I already feel like I am getting hopelessly attached sometimes, and when I kiss her, the feeling just gets more intense. I can't let that happen, cause…cause….if she did leave me one day…"

"Why do you think that Amy is going to leave you?" Missy asked.

"I know most couples do not last a lifetime…look at mom and dad. They were in love in the beginning, and then it turned into a huge mess as the years went on. " He added softly, "I know that I'm not the easiest person to be with. Amy is so beautiful and brilliant, what if she gets tired of being with me, I'm sure there will be no shortage of men that would be wanting to whisk her away. I think that might destroy me…"

"Shelly, listen carefully. You and Amy are not like mom and dad. You and Amy are more like Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop."

"I'm not half the man Pop-Pop was …" Sheldon said quietly.

"Sheldon, I know that you love Amy, and when you said it, it meant something. You don't throw the love word around willy-nilly. If you said it, I know you meant it. Pop-Pop was the same way. When he said something he meant it. Everyone and their dog could see how much Pop-Pop loved Mee-Maw. I think you two have the same type of love. Nothing could pull Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop apart. I think if you give yourself fully to Amy, you two could be the same."

"Do you really think so?" Sheldon asked.

"I know so. If you are still feeling unsure in a few days, maybe you should talk to Mee-Maw. She always gets through that thick skull of yours." Missy smiled at Sheldon.

"How did you get so smart?" Sheldon asked smiling at his sister.

"Oh, I was always the smart one, you know that. You just have a bunch of fancy degrees."

Sheldon laughed, "I think you are right. I'll think about what you said Missy, thanks for the talk."

"I'm always here if you need to talk Shellybean. I love you."

"I love you too"

Sheldon hit end on their skype chat. It was a lot to think about. Sheldon did know one thing for sure, he loved Amy, and he was not about to let her go.

A/N: I'm hoping this talk cleared up things in Sheldon's head a bit. But what will he do about it…Thanks for your reviews!