So what started as a two chapters has now evolved or devolved depending on your opinion, into four chapters (including the first); I'm sorry I got carried away with Fang and Lightning's conversation. Next chapter is up, the third is soon to follow, and the last chapter will be much shorter and hopefully finished soon.
Thank you for your comments, reviews, favourites and follows, I really appreciate it. I hope the remaining chapters do not disappoint.
Warning this chapter contains an iddy bit of bad language.
Let the crack continue….
"Fang stay on the damn pavement! You keep dragging us into the road." Lightning barked as Fang drunkenly wobbled towards the road pulling the soldier with her. Perhaps linking arms with the huntress hadn't been a great idea but the soldier needed some way to lead her home and holding her hand had made the soldier feel far too uncomfortable. She guided the Pulsian back into the middle of the sidewalk.
Fang turned her glazed eyes towards her friend. "It's not my fault you can't walk straight," she slurred, "I'm pissed," she reasoned pointing a thumb at herself. "What's your excuse?" she asked poking the soldier's arm.
Lightning glared at the offensive finger as it touched her and followed it straight to its irritating source. "You're the one who's leading us into the road not me," she growled. Standing still she yanked the woman towards her as she started to veer away again. Jerked backwards Fang stumbled into the soldier who managed to catch her in her arms before she fell over resulting in a flawless ballroom dip.
Fang grinned looking up at her red-faced friend. "Well if you were more effective at leading Captain Farron," Fang cooed mockingly pouting her lips as she baby-talked to the soldier. "I wouldn't be able to drag us anywhere now would I?" And without any consideration for own safety Fang decided to conclude her teasing by touching the soldier…again.
Lightning eyes crossed as they followed the digit's slow progress towards the tip of her nose. Fang could be so irritating, she mused. Most of the time Lightning actually really liked the huntress but when Fang was feeling "playful", as Vanille described it, it was usually Lightning that bore the brunt of her "playfulness". Pranks, jokes, teasing, at times the huntress would mock her incessantly. Why, was a complete mystery to the corp but she assumed it had something to do the satisfaction of provoking the stoic soldier. So Lightning had quickly learned to endure the woman's innuendo-laced teasing and ninja hugs typically with either an eye roll or a characteristic 'tch' because any other reaction only seemed to encourage her (plus Lightning's retaliation, typically punching, always incurred the wrath of Serah and Vanille and their enraged high-pitched reprimands were quite scary especially in tandem). Consequently this was why as she watched Fang's single index finger travel towards her nose she stifled her overwhelming desire to drop the Pulsian onto the floor. And instead allowed the finger to complete its journey without interruption. She didn't even react violently when Fang added a sound effect.
"Beep," Fang beeped squashing Lightning's nose with her fingertip.
"I don't want to spend my night scraping you off the road so just stay on the pavement." Lightning growled through her teeth. "And will you please remove your finger from my nose!"
"Heeeeey I've got a great idea," Fang chirped excitedly as she stood upright.
Lightning jerked her head away and swatting at her friend's hand as Fang tried to pinch her cheek. The huntress staggered behind her and placed her hands on her shoulders. Lightning's froze, "Fang what are you doing?" she said warily beginning to turn around.
"You can give me a piggyback."
"No Fang don't-." Lightning grunted as Fang ignored her protests and using her shoulders as leverage jumped straight onto the soldier's back. Lightning automatically bent forward, locking her arms under the huntress' knees to stop her from falling. She stumbling forward a few steps as she tried to accommodate the unexpected weight. "Etro Fang you weight a ton," she complained.
Fang leaned forward wrapping her draping her arms further around the soldier's neck. "It's all muscle baby," she purred into the Lightning's ear demonstratively flexing her strong thigh muscles.
Lightning gasped as Fang's legs tightened around her waist. "Fang!" Lightning snapped as the prankster began laughing obnoxiously.
"We'll get home a lot quicker and I won't be falling in any roads," Fang cajoled in a sweet voice before Lightning had a satisfaction of dropping her.
Lightning paused and thought about how long it had taken them to walk this far; she could still see the bar they had left twenty minutes ago. Reluctantly she began to carry the Pulsian home. "Fine but no nuzzling,"
"No promises pinky, now giddyup," she ordered. "Hi-yo Lightning! Away," the huntress cried dramatically pointing over Lightning's shoulder. The soldier's step momentarily faltered as Fang gave her faithful steed an encouraging smack on her backside.
"This is going to be a long night," Lightning predicted sullenly.
She resumed the long walk home grimacing as the giggling brunette started nuzzling her neck.
xxxoXoxxx
Confused Fang looked up at Lightning's simple two-storied house. "This isn't where I live," Fang correctly deduced as she was carried up the garden path.
Lightning walked up the porch steps and gently lowered Fang onto her doorstep. "It's late, my house is closer to Lebreau's and you were worried about waking up Vanille," she reminded the huntress as she opened her front door.
"You see that's why you're the leader Light," Fang proposed loudly ignoring the fact that it had been the Pulsian's idea in the first place. She wandered into the dark house as she voiced some explicatory idioms. "You're sharp. You're brainy. You're on the ball. You're one smart cookie. Ya got's da grey matter go'in onn–owww shit," Fang cursed as she crashed into the furniture. "For the love of Etro!"
"Mind the sofa," Lightning suggested with a small smile. Closing the door behind her she turned on the light to find Fang stood over her sofa rubbing her injured shin.
"Is it made of stone or something," the huntress grumbled giving the sofa a swift vengeful kick. Feeling slightly appeased she wobbled into the open plan kitchen quickly followed by the soldier. Opening the fridge Fang retrieved a beer and popped the cap. Lightning reached around Fang and grabbed the bottle out of the woman's hand. Ignoring Fang's petulant moaning she tipped the entire contents of the bottle down her sink signaling the end of the huntress' drinking session.
"Sit down at the island," the soldier ordered. "I'll make you some food."
Fang's features immediately lit up excitedly at the mention of food. "Got any bacon?" she beamed.
"No. Just sit down," she directed the sulking Pulsian.
xxxoXoxxx
"One chicken, salad and mayo sandwich and a large glass of water," Lightning said placing a plate and glass in front of the Pulsian. "Drink all of it," she instructed sternly.
The huntress greedily crammed half the sandwich into her mouth. Moaning with delight as the delicious sandwich hit her taste buds. "How about a coffee to sober me up a bit?" she suggested with her mouth full.
"It's a myth. Coffee doesn't sober you up it just wakes you up. You'll still be drunk."
"It doesn't?" Fang exclaimed in surprise. Lightning cringed as Fang spat some of the contents of her mouth across her clean surface.
"Drink the water, it'll make the hangover easier," Lightning suggested as she grabbed a kitchen cloth to clean Fang's spittle from the Island counter. Following her advice Fang took a few large gulps of water and grinned happily at her friend before she tucked into the rest of her food.
Lightning wiped the kitchen surface as she observed the Pulsian quickly demolish her sandwich. The Cocoonian was still curious to know exactly why she had decided to get drunk. It must have been a conscious decision. Fang obviously wasn't a regular drinker otherwise she would be able to handle more than four drinks.
The island now clean of crumbs Lightning washed the cloth under the sink taps and sat down opposite the huntress. She laced her fingers together on the table, crossed her legs and leaned slightly towards the Pulsian. She wondered how she should approach this line of inquiry. She felt slightly apprehensive and uncomfortable delving into the huntress' personal life. As a reserved person she knew the value of maintaining one's privacy and didn't want to appear to be prying, but she had to know why Fang was acting so strangely. Fang was family and Lightning was worried about her. She licked her dry lips and decided that Fang would appreciate the direct approach. "Fang why did you get drunk tonight?" Fang paused with the remaining sandwich halfway to her mouth and looked up at the soldier with her blood-shot, unfocussed eyes. "You never drink," Lightning added quietly.
Fang looked down before continuing to eat. "I drink sometimes," she shrugged. "You've just never seen me drunk."
"Why?"
Fang finished her sandwich and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "I get a bit…honest when I'm drunk," Fang answered hesitantly with a weak smile.
So she is hiding something from me, Lightning thought. Something so terrible she's afraid to get drunk and let her guard down around me! What could it be? A misdemeanor? An illness? Perhaps I should try a different approach and start at the beginning. "Why did you start drinking on this particular tonight?"
Fang looked down again tracing invisible lines on the surface as she avoided eye contact with her friend. "Because…I missed you," Fang admitted with a slight blush.
Lightning frowned in confusion. "But we see each other almost everyday. We saw each other nine hours ago?" She was sure she had seen Fang when she was on patrol with Lieutenant Smith earlier that evening. It didn't make any sense. How could she miss someone she sees so frequently?
Fang features became sullen as she crossed her arms and glared at the Cocconian. "Yeah you did," she pouted, "when you and Mr Funny pants were enjoying a good joke at my expense. Laughing at me. Laughing at how hopeless and pathetic the mighty Pulsian huntress has become," she rambled.
Lightning was truly baffled by the Pulsian's sudden mood change from bashful to moody. It must be the drink. It would explain why the brunette's reasoning seemed so muddled, because no matter how she thought about it Lightning's sober mind couldn't connect how missing her related to Lieutenant Smith. She couldn't even remember what they had been laughing about when they saw the huntress but they certainly hadn't been laughing at Fang. It was probably another of Smith's amusing stories. His disastrous track record with men was always a source of amusement on boring patrols. "All the Guardian Corps hold you in the highest-regard Fang. You're one of the best warriors in New Bodhum. No-one questions your abilities as a huntress if that's what you are worrying you."
"Noooo that's not what I mean. Why don't you ever listen to me?" Fang whined holding her head in her hands. "And the best warrior Light, the best," she corrected sulkily leaning on one elbow.
Lightning decided to ignore the last part of Fang's rant. She was far too interested in the first part, and did not want to fall into another argument about which of them is best warrior in Bodhum. "Well I'm listening now," she said simulating amiability with a forced smile. "What do you mean Fang?"
Fang looked thoughtfully at the soldier (in a drunk therefore confused, exaggerated kind of way). She appeared to be on the brink of telling her something and so Lightning decided to employ a very unusual tactic for the soldier; a method Serah often used against the soldier when she was being stubborn and secretive. She reached across the island and grasped Fang's hand giving it a friendly, encouraging squeeze.
Fang's sat up straight and stared down at their joined hands. Her mouth opening slightly as Lightning soothingly rubbed the Pulsian's knuckles with her thumb. She nervously tucked her hair behind one ear and licked her lips. "Don't freak out Light," Fang pleaded looking up at the soldier with large anxious eyes. Lightning nodded and tried not to seem to eager as she leaned forward. She thought that it must be a terrible secret for the huntress to look so terrified.
The huntress took in a deep breath and said quietly, "I'm in love with you."
Lightning lip twitched. She smiled, then smirked, then chuckled, and unable to contain her mirth any longer began laughing in the astonished Pulsian's face.
"That wasn't the reaction I was looking for," Fang said sadly.
Lightning sat up straight pulling her hand away from Fang's to wipe a tear away of laughter away from her eye. "Nice try Fang but you don't seriously expect me to believe that," she said between chuckles.
"Why the hell not?" Fang yelled angrily furrowing her brow.
Lightning rolled her eyes. "Because it's obviously one of your practical jokes. To be honest I'm quite disappointed they're usually much more inventive."
Lightning was surprised when Fang clumsily leapt to her feet as if she was outraged. "I do so love you," Fang slurred putting her hands on her hips.
"No you don't," Lightning smirked.
"Yes I do," Fang seethed.
Lightning's smile faded. "No you don't," she said slowly slightly less amused.
"Yes. I. Do!" Fang yelled. "Look I'll prove it to you." Fang swayed slightly as she routed around her sari for a few seconds and pulled out a mobile phone. The intoxicated Pulsian held the phone close to her face and narrowed her glazed eyes as she tried to focus at the phone screen. She pressed a few buttons moved through the different contacts and pressed call, sneering at the Soldier as she waiting for the recipient to answer.
"Hi Vanille," Fang shouted into the phone. She paused and Lightning could just hear Vanille's high-pitched garbled voice respond. "I don't care what time it is…Yes I'm drunk…No, I'm a Lightning's…Stop fussing and listen will ya? I want you," she pointed at the mobile, "to tell her," she pointed at Lightning, "what everyone else knows about me except her…" Her eyes widened as Vanille responded, "no," she hissed turning her head away from the soldier, "not that thing the other thing,…Yes that thing…Yes I'm sure just tell her…I'm glad too." The huntress thrust her phone under the Cocoonian's face.
Lightning glared derisively at the Pulsian. Sighing she took the phone and held it next to her ear. "Hi Vanille." She greeted, keeping her eyes on the huntress who had crossed her arms, pursed her lips and was agitatedly tapping her foot as she watched the soldier.
"Hi Lightning," Vanille yawned on the other end of the phone. "Fang's in love with you," she said bluntly sounding extremely bored.
"Right. Bye Vanille," Lightning responded wearily.
"Bye," Vanille replied unsurprised by the soldier's curt response.
Ending the call she handed the phone back to the huntress. "See," Fang said smugly as she sat back down.
"Your partner-in-crime cohobating your story isn't exactly proof you're being sincere." She was beginning to find Fang's performance incredibly tiresome.
Fang banged her head against the table, "why don't you believe me," she bemoaned before groaning miserably into the table.
"Let's see, why don't I believe Oerba Yun Fang? " Lightning rubbed her chin pretending to think. "How about from experience," she answered herself. Fang looked up at Lightning confused, so the soldier decided to remind the Pulsian of all her misdemeanors. "What about the time you stole my ID and my uniform. And donned a pink wig so you could impersonate me at the government offices to change my name by deed poll."
"How was I to know they'd tell your work?" Fang shrugged feigning ignorance. It would have been more convincing if she hadn't been grinning mischievously.
"You know I work for the government of course they'd inform the Corps. It's procedure." Lightning eyes narrowed. "And you knew it was a week before the new intake of recruits and they'd send automatic, computerised instructions of whom to report too. Some of them still refer to me as Captain A. Nal behind my back."
"But ya didn't arrest me for fraudulence did ya? I think you secretly like me sunshine," Fang grinned winking at the Guardian Corp.
Lightning growled annoyed by the huntress' blasé attitude to interfering with her treasured career. "What about the time you replaced my shampoo with gelatinous Flan," Lightning continued ignoring Fang's line or reasoning, "which reformed into a small Flan when I squirted it into in my hand.
Fang leaned forward eagerly, "this one gets better every time you tell it," she noted. "I like the bit where is threw shower gel in your eye."
"Yes, so it could escape and hide in my bathroom for a day," she fumed at she recollected the incident. "During its concealment it made a shank using my toothbrush, dental floss and a razor which it used on the second morning during a surprise attack from my bathroom cabinet."
The Pulsian laughed loudly as she remembered Lightning's red angry face when she exited the bathroom holding an irate murderous mini Flan by its makeshift weapon. "The little guy must have really had a size complex, no-one even knew they could use tools let alone make them," she chuckled leaning on her elbow. "Think of it this way Farron together we made a major zoological discovery." It had actually taken quite a lot of experimentation and time to discover a way to cut off part of a Flan and put it inside a container without killing it. Fang was rather proud of that particular prank.
Unsmiling, unamused and unimpressed Lightning folded her arms and glared at the brunette, "And the time you told me that the quickest and most efficient way to stagger a Gorgonopsid is to stick a finger up their as-"
"I didn't think you'd believe me," Fang interrupted laughing so hard she had doubled over in her seat. "I'll never forget the expression on that Gorgonopsid's face for as long as I live," she said in-between chuckles, "I still reminisce about it when I'm feeling gloomy."
A fact well known to the populace of Bodhum was that Lightning really hated it when people laughed at her. And no one made the mistake of laughing at her except the hysterical woman currently sitting opposite her. "And you wonder why I don't believe you when you show me absolutely no respect," she sneered bitterly. "You are a constant source of frustration and irritation".
Fang's mood changed in an instant. Her smile dropped and her face darkened angrily. "Now hold on a second Farron," she snarled. "I'm irritating! I'm frustrating!" Thumping the table she leaned forward pointing an accusing finger at the soldier. "You want to talk about irritating, let me tell you about irritating Farron. You always forget all the nice things I've done for you," she accused.
"Like what?" The soldier challenged leaning towards her mimicking the Huntress' pose.
"How about the time I sent you a Valentine's card? You've never mentioned that," Fang snapped.
Lightning mouth dropped open. She had no idea that Fang sent her a card. She thought about all the cards she had received this year. She wasn't flattered by the huge pile she received every year it just made her question why a large proportion of the New Bodhum population was attracted to someone who, she freely acknowledged, was cold, unfriendly and stubborn. Perhaps it was the uniform. "Which one?" She asked curiously.
"Which one!" Fang was incensed. The drawing had taken her ages. "The handmade one," annoyed when Lightning still looked at her vacantly, "of Bahamut and Odin cuddling and holding a heart. It was obvious it was from me."
"That was Odin!" Lightning exclaimed. She did remember that particular handmade card. Only because no matter how many times or angles she looked at it she couldn't figure out exactly what it was a drawing of.
Fang growled quietly annoyed by Lightning's criticism of her prowess as an artist. "How about the time I cleaned your house and stocked your fridge the day before you got back from your last mission," she tried. "You've never thanked me for that."
"But I assumed it was Serah she's the only one who has my spare key to my house." Lightning said slowly. Realisation suddenly dawned on the soldier, "Fang did you break into my house?" she gasped.
"Don't get your knickers in a twist Sunshine," Fang waved her hand dismissively at the outraged soldier. "I may have been a little drunk at the time but I didn't cause any criminal damage. Anyone can pick a spring latch lock drunk or not. It's a good thing I did because you didn't remind anyone to feed your fish," she slurred
Lightning arched an eyebrow as she slowly crossed her arms. "I don't have any fish," she said pointedly.
Fang snorted in disbelief at the soldier, who responded by shaking her head somberly. Realisation then dawned on the huntress. "Oh…Well I may have got my locations confused but it's the thought that counts," she crossed her arms tilting her head proudly. Obviously her previous examples hadn't exactly made the right impression but she'd saved the best for last. "How about the time I got you a starblossom seed for upgrading your gunblade?"
"I thought it was because it was my birthday?" Lightning frowned.
"I defeated a bandersnatch to get it Lightning. A Bandersnatch. Does that seem like a normal thing for a friend to do for her friend even on their birthday?" She said sardonically, placing emphasis on the word friend. "Fight a Badersnatch...alone. Do you think I just found one in my back garden? It took two weeks to track one down and three hours to kill it."
Lightning felt a little ashamed by Fang's disclosures. She hadn't even considered how the huntress had retrieved her birthday gift. She had spent so much time trying not to be the person she was before The Fall. But it seemed she was still taking the people in her life for granted, especially the woman sitting opposite her. Have I really been so fixated on Fang's pranks that I've been overlooking all the nice things she's done for me? "Oh well I..."
"And frustrating," Fang interrupted. She was too riled and belligerent from the alcohol to let the soldier finish her apology. "How about the fact that you never spend any time with me. You make time for everyone else, even Snow and you barely tolerate him."
Lightning was sure that wasn't right. "We went shopping last week," she argued.
"With Vanille," Fang countered.
"We had dinner two weeks ago."
"With Hope, Serah and Snow."
If there was one thing Lightning found more irritating than people (i.e. Fang) laughing at her it was people highlighting her shortcomings; inobservance was obviously one of them but remorseless pride was another. "Well given your typical behaviour towards me is it any wonder I'm a little reluctant to be alone with me. I won't let you make a fool of me."
"Don't give me that crap about guarding your pride," Fang shook her head looking hurt, "you've been pushing me away from the start. So excuse me if the only way I seem to get any attention from you is to play practical jokes in the vain hope that one day, one day, you'll look at me the same way that you looked at Lieutenant Smart arse."
"Who?" Lightning wondered aloud. "Lieutenant Smith?" Lightning smiled faintly, he was a bit conceited.
Fang paused mid-rant, misreading the soldier's small smile. Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Are you fucking him?"
Lightning's just managed to maintain her temper. Slowly scrapping her chair along the kitchen tiles she stood up glaring down at the huntress. "My personnel life is none of your damn business," she snapped. The huntress looked sheepishly away from Lightning's barely contained rage. Clenching her jaw Lightning snatched Fang's plate and glass from the island between them. She took them to the dishwasher and was so angry she almost threw the used crockery inside it. She was so furious she didn't even notice that Fang had moved from her seat until the huntress shyly tapped her on her shoulder. Lightning pursed her lips as she turned towards her friend.
"I'm sorry," Fang mumbled looking bashful. Swayed slightly and scratching her arm as looked down at the floor.
Lightning's anger left her as she observed the proud woman's demur expression as she hugged herself. Lightning breathed out feeling slightly appeased. "I don't like talking about my relationships with anyone Fang," she explained calmly.
"I know, I know. I'm just tired and drunk and it makes me irritable and stupid. I'm sorry," she repeated looking up at her friend with large remorseful eyes. "Can we just…can I go to bed? I think I need to sleep," she said quietly.
Lightning face softened. She felt slightly guilty for being so hard on the woman. Fang obviously wasn't thinking coherently, she was so drunk she couldn't even stand straight. Confrontational, emotional, bad-tempered, her inappropriate joke of being in love with her - she was displaying all symptoms of her current impaired condition. She felt that she should have been more tolerant. "Of course you can," Lightning said kindly to imply her forgiveness. "You can take the spare room," she said.
Walking out of the kitchen Lightning motioned for Fang to follow her up the stairs.
Shank is the name for makeshift weapons made by prisoners for horrible terrible deeds.
The beginning section is inspired by a drunken incident with my lovely lady (her being drunk one and me being sober one) when she tried to convince me that it was my fault that we kept veering into the road. But it was me that got the piggyback home; she's so chivalrous...and dangerous.
And if you really want to know about the Gorgonopsid prank I'll tell you - if you don't look away now - Apparently the technique Fang suggested it is the most effective way to get a Bulldog, or any dog who has been bred to bite and hold on, to let go. That's right people I'm full of useful and probably inaccurate facts. It's the way you tell them that makes people believe them. It's the kind of fact that you sort of believe but you'd probably never utilise even if a bulldog was hanging on your arm. Lightning on the otherhand is single-minded enough to try anything to get the job done.
I'm really not sure about this chapter especially the conversation with Vanille. Let me know what you think, I do love any ideas for improvement and I'm always on the look out for a beta.