Chapter Twenty Two
Jasper
I had no idea where to go or what to do, I was a man cut adrift, no, less than a man. Unwanted by anyone. Maria had shown she only wanted me for my fighting skills, to win the war for her. Sex was a reward, nothing more. Then Alice who in her own way had been far more destructive. She had offered me her hand and I had grabbed it, feeling hope for the first time in many years. She'd brought me to the Cullens and they'd shown me a new way to live. A way that saved me from the pain, the agony of my prey's death. I felt uplifted, as if my old life had been washed away. My Alice was everything to me, or so I'd thought at the time. I would have done anything for her, to make her happy, but in the end it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough for her. She had molded me into the man she wanted and I'd allowed it. To see her happy I'd worn designer clothes, gone to fancy places, listened to the music she liked. I'd done everything she had asked of me, but in the end I'd lost her and at the same time I realized I'd lost myself. I didn't know who I was any more. I couldn't find the strength of the Major to help me.
Then Bella turned up and I knew, I knew Alice had seen this and would do everything in her power to stop it. When I first saw her I felt the glow, the longing and the need. All things I'd heard from others but dismissed as mere fantasies. To me love was conditional, Maria gave me what I thought was love, when I'd done something for her, but it was only sex. Alice had used it as a reward too. If I behaved, if I did things to please her, I got warmth and sex in exchange. Be a good boy and you'll get a reward. I watched Emmett and Rose puzzled. Their love seemed to be there whether they were happy or not. In fact problems only seemed to draw them closer. Problems between Alice and I meant days spent alone with my books or playing my guitar, something she had discouraged, especially country songs. Which is why I'd been at the concert in Port Angeles with Emmett. I was in the dog house so I decided to hell with it and went. I saw Bella and everything changed. My whole body reacted to the sight of her, I couldn't think or function, for thinking of her and then Emmett and Rose had picked it up. They knew my situation with Alice. They all knew, she kept nothing from the others. Her dislike of my reading books about the Civil War, her refusal to even acknowledge the years with Maria, her distaste of my scars even to the lengths of refusing me sex unless I covered them.
I'd been a weak fool and let her run over me. Then I saw Bella and I knew. I knew she was the one but she was human, how could I ever hope to win her? Emmett found excuses to put us together for which I was grateful because we both paid dearly for it when Alice saw us. Then I spent the night in her company and I finally found peace. My turmoil ceased as I sat with her that night. I felt like a man again and I knew I had to try and win her. I finally plucked up the courage to ask her to go to Seattle with me, told her I wanted to see her, to talk to her, and I waited. Her silence told me everything, I'd got it wrong again but this time it was so much worse. I'd felt that peace and I couldn't live without it any longer. I went to Denali, with Edward gloating all the way. I stayed for Christmas but it was hard, I couldn't cope with all the emotions. It was as if my safeguards had been ripped away and I was subjected to them in full force. As soon as Emmett and Rose and the others left I made my excuses and left. Emmett knew I was going so he would watch out for Bella, I couldn't see her again. The pain would be too much for me.
I had nothing left to give, I had nothing left, end of story. I had no idea what to do, I needed somewhere quiet to rebuild my defenses, to try and get over Bella. Get over her! Who was I kidding, I couldn't get over my mate and I couldn't live without her now I'd found her. I decided to go to Peter and Charlotte's and see if I could find any peace or sanity there. They were pleased to see me but they couldn't help me. Nothing could, I was drowning and there was no one to throw a line to me. Bella had rejected me, as she should, and I was doomed. I couldn't stay with them and I wandered from place to place, never finding any peace never finding a sanctuary until in the end I could only pray for death. For an end to the agony I felt. An end to the endless solitude, the endless loneliness. I just wanted to end it all, but how? What was I suppose to do? Was I damned to walk this earth alone for eternity? Loving a woman who could never love me in return? I wasn't worthy of love, not even from a human, so I would end it all. I would go south, my maker would end my misery once she knew I wouldn't return to her. Whatever she subjected me to would be only fitting for one such as I. I would get my peace if only at the expense of my life. A life not worth anything. I wandered back to Peter's to get my horse. If I was going to my death I wanted to ride in, all guns blazing.