[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for your feedback. I always appreciate if you take the time to leave me your thoughts.

**16**

I hate those appointments with my therapist, but if I want to fix up things between Alice and me, it's inevitable to see someone professional. At least, Zafrina is a nice person. She doesn't make me feel like a complete freak for all the crap that is going on in my head.

"How have you been?" she asks us cheerfully as we enter her office. The room smells of fresh paint and for a moment I admire the light blue color on the walls.

"Looks nice, doesn't it? Blue is supposed to have a calming effect on people."

"I like blue." Alice murmurs as she sits down on the leather couch. I take my seat next to her and place my hand on her lap.

"Blue is nice. Andy likes blue. It's his favorite color."

Zafrina clears her throat and flips through the pages in her notepad before she begins with the official part of our session.

"Did you find time to finish the lists I asked you to do?"

I nod my head and pull out the sheet of paper from my handbag to look down at the words I scrawled down on it this morning.

"First, I want to talk about Bella's drinking habits." Alice tells Zafrina while her eyes stay focused on the wall in front of us. She knows that I'm going to be pissed at her for bringing up this topic. I don't have a problem with controlling my alcohol intake and that's what I tell Zafrina.

"I don't drink that much."

"It's interesting how you instantly try to defend yourself. That's a typical reaction from alcoholics, when someone confronts them with their problem."

"I don't have a problem. Alice knows nothing about how an alcoholic is like."

"But you do?" Zafrina asks, writing down something on her notepad.

"My father," I begin hesitantly. "He used to drink a lot when I was a kid. I remember how my parents used to fight constantly because he was never completely sober."

"Do you remember what exactly they were fighting about?"

"Well, mostly about me. Charlie thought my mother was not trying hard enough to put an end to my…girly behaviors."

"I see. Alice, why are you worried about Bella's drinking habits?"

"She's drinking to suppress her fears."

"Did you get a degree in psychology now? You know nothing about my fears. I don't drink because I'm afraid. I drink to relax. Damn it, a few glasses of wine now and then don't turn me into a drunkard."

"I knew you'd be mad at me for bringing it up." Alice stats, her voice close to tears.

I take a very deep breathe that I hold until my lungs begin to hurt painfully before I exhale through my parted lips.

"You don't need to worry about me. I'm the one who's worried all the time. You left us. You fucking left us. Why don't we talk about that?"

"I'm sorry about it. I've told you again and again how sorry I am. It was a mistake. I don't know how to make up for it again. Bella, please-," a sob escapes her throat and the next thing I do is pull my crying wife on my lap.

"I'm sorry." I whisper into her ear. "I shouldn't have brought it up. It's painful for both of us."

"I don't want to lose you. I love you, Bella."

Zafrina rubs her eyes and takes a sip from the glass of water in front of her.

"The question is not if you and Bella love each other. That part is obvious to everyone around you. Can the two of you make your marriage work? That's what I'm concerned about. Both of you have some severe issues."

"We wouldn't be having all these problems if I were a normal woman." I say, rubbing my hands up and down Alice's spine

"I don't like the word normal, and I assure you most of your difficulties have very little to do with you being transgender." Zafrina explains.

She sighs and looks up from her notepad before she continues. "Both of you have some serious trouble with trust. Bella, did you consider that Alice left you to protect herself? She left you, so you wouldn't leave her first."

"I'd never done that. How could I leave Alice? She's the love of my life."

"Do you think your feelings for Alice run deeper than the ones she has for you?"

"In a way,"

"What is that supposed to mean? I love you. How can you doubt that?"

"Alice, please, I don't doubt your feelings for me."

"Yes, you are. You won't believe that I love you, because you hate yourself."

How can I not hate myself? My body is like a jail to me. The surgery has changed nothing. When I look into the mirror, I still see that pimple-faced sixteen year old boy. Brian is like a shadow, I can't get rid of him.

"I know you love me. I just can't believe why you would do it. You could do better than me."

"Time's up. I think we're finally starting to make some progress. See you next week."

I'm agitated and Alice is crying. I don't understand how this is supposed to be a step into the right direction. But sometimes beginnings are hard.

"I won't drink again." I assure Alice on the way back to our car. "If it worries you so much, I won't touch any alcohol again."

"Good," she mumbles as she checks her reflection in a little mirror she pulls out of her purse. "It makes me happy to hear that."

"I want to make you happy. The last months have been awful. I should have sensed how unhappy you've been."

She rubs a bit of smeared mascara from under her eyes before she leans her head against my shoulder.

"Do you think we can make it through this? What if our love is not strong enough for dealing with all of this?"

"I don't know. But I'm sure I want to be with you for the rest of my life." I tell her, lifting her hand to my lips to press them against the fragile gold of her wedding band.