By the time they reached Mount Vernon, even the mounted soldiers were exhausted. Even after a long day of riding, Ben still couldn't shake the memory of Elizabeth offering to be his mistress. She meant so much more to him than that but regardless of how much they talked, she still persisted in rejecting any romantic notions.
The group split into two sections as the community members of Setauket, Ben, Caleb and a few officers headed down the road toward the town to settle them in their new homes. Elizabeth and some of the other officers had continued on the path to Washington's house.
Elizabeth was grateful when she saw the large white house in the distance. My new home, she thought. She was surprised that it didn't sting nearly as much as she had anticipated. She was greeted at the door by a beautiful woman with delicate blonde hair. She was directing some of the officers as to where they would be lodging. When Martha saw Elizabeth, she smiled widely.
"You must be Elizabeth," she said. "It's great to finally meet you. George was so excited about you." Elizabeth nodded and smiled as best she could. "Oh, you must be exhausted. Come, I'll show you to your room." Elizabeth followed Martha to a room on the second floor. It was small but significantly more spacious than the room in her home.
"Thank you for your hospitality," Elizabeth said though it lacked the happiness to be convincing. Martha looked at her concerned. She hugged her new friend catching Elizabeth off guard.
"Oh, you poor thing. You've been through so much," she offered. After a moment, Elizabeth hugged Martha back.
"I'm quite alright," she responded. "Just tired." Martha pulled back and smiled at her again.
"Of course," she said. "Get some sleep and I'll get the servants to start dinner. I left you some of my old dresses in the cabinet for you to change into." Then, she was gone.
Elizabeth decided to take Martha's advice and get some sleep. After changing onto one of the plainer gowns in the cabinet, she laid down on the large bed and immediately fell asleep. She woke up to a knock on the door. She quickly crawled out of the bed and ran a brush through her hair before opening the door. One of the officers was standing at the door.
"Dinner is ready ma'am," he said. She thanked him and begged only a moment so that she could pin up her hair.
When she got downstairs, Martha made a bee-line for her and practically dragged her to the seat next to her. Seated across the table were Ben and Caleb. Ben stole glances at Elizabeth throughout the entire meal. Occasionally he would catch her eye but she would always look away.
After dinner, Martha took Elizabeth's arm and they went for a walk outside.
"So you and your little soldier boy, want to tell me what that's about?" Martha asked. She figured that she needed to know her new friend since they were going to live together for a time. She also felt a bit motherly over the girl who was several years her junior.
"Ben?" Elizabeth was stunned momentarily. "Ben and I were… close once but it's not like it was before."
"I'm not sure I see that," Martha observed. "He still seems smitten with you. And I think the feeling is mutual."
"We were in love once, yes," Elizabeth answered. She was trying to be honest but wondered how she could possibly tell Martha everything when she wasn't even sure about everything herself.
"But?" Martha prodded.
"But, I was married off to a British officer."
"Who is dead, as I understand it," Martha added. Elizabeth nodded.
"Regardless, I don't deserve his love and he deserves far more than me," she explained.
"Perhaps that is true but if you are the girl he's in love with, he wants you. Doesn't he at least deserve what he wants?" Martha couldn't understand why Elizabeth was beating herself up. She suspected this Ben felt the same way.
"But I can't give him what he wants," Elizabeth admitted.
"If you love him, I think you can," Martha concluded as they reached the house once again. The two women bid each other good night and found their rooms. They agreed to meet back up the next day to get ready for the party.
Though she was exhausted, Elizabeth found sleep impossible. She just kept thinking about what Martha had said. She and Ben had been finding a way back to each other these past few days. She couldn't deny that being near him brought her more joy and happiness than she thought she could feel ever again.
But there were things in the way. Things he didn't even know about.
There was a soft knock on her door and she opened it to find Caleb.
"Can't sleep?" he asked. She shook her head. "Me either." She opened the door to let him in. "Have ya been sleeping at all?" Caleb asked her as they made their way over to sit on the edge of her bed. He took her hands in his.
"Honestly? No," she responded. "Too many nightmares." He was shocked by her admission.
"Nightmares?" he inquired. "I didn't know about that."
"How could you? I've gotten good at hiding it," she told him.
"So when you were married…" he trailed off.
"Not until about four months into it," she answered. Caleb looked at his hands.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered. She reached up and gently touched his face causing him to look at her.
"Don't be. Like I told you and Ben, it was my choice."
"He's so worried about you," Caleb diverted. "We both are."
"I know and I'm sorry about that," Elizabeth said.
"Why would you be sorry?" Caleb had to ask.
"I fear I've been such a bother. You rescued me and I repaid it by cutting you out."
"Elizabeth, you went through so much," he said. "We understand. I'm just not sure why you keep fighting your feelings for ol' Benny Boy." He tried to smile at her but she suddenly looked so morose. "Don't say you don't deserve him because it's a lie and you know it," he quickly interjected.
"I do love him, Caleb, but I can't marry him," she answered.
"Why? You love him, he loves you, you're clearly not married anymore…"
"I'll make a terrible wife for him," she tried.
"That's ridiculous," he continued and she suddenly burst into tears. Caleb saw the door crack open but ignored it as he wrapped his arms around his cousin. "What is it?" he pleaded.
"Caleb, when I was married to Johnathan, something happened," she tried to get out. Caleb took both her hands in his and tried to get her to look at him. The determination in his eyes gave her the strength to let go of what had been weighing so heavily on her since being reunited with them. "I can't have children," she finally admitted. She continued to cry as she explained the reason why.
Johnathan had come home particularly angry. Odds were he had lost a good deal betting against some of the other officers but Elizabeth really didn't want to know. She had been about four months pregnant and it was nearing the fall. She was due around November. Since the baby bump had appeared, Johnathan had been less likely to lay hands on her too much though her arms and face still suffered some bruising from time to time.
Today was different, though. He was furious and needed to take out his anger.
He found her dusting in the parlor. When he entered, she ignored him and continued cleaning which angered him even further.
"I'm home," he grunted.
"Welcome back," she offered in greeting. He was enraged by her ignorance of him and shoved her into the bookshelf. "Johnathan," she warned. He only became more frustrated and tried to throw her into another wall.
Using the room he had just given her, she took off up the stairs. If she could lock herself in a room, she could wait him out.
But she didn't make it to the top of the steps before a firm hand grasped her arm. He punched her square in the jaw before throwing her back down the stairs.
She tumbled for what seemed like forever before she slammed face down into the ground. She immediately felt pain everywhere, especially her stomach. She screamed, unable to hold her tongue. One of the slaves came running in and seeing blood all over the floor and Elizabeth lying in it, ran to go get the doctor.
Johnathan, suddenly shocked by what he had done, ran to escape in his room. He hadn't been expecting that to happen and thinking about their likely dead child, he felt some remorse.
When the doctor arrived, he sent the slaves to clean up the blood and had them transfer Elizabeth to the downstairs guest bed. He examined her thoroughly and left her to get some rest.
The next morning he delivered the news. She had lost the baby and would likely never carry again. She started having nightmares every night after.
When she had finished her story, they both sat in silence.
"I should have told you sooner but I didn't know how," she admitted. "I still don't know how to tell Ben." Caleb looked rather guiltily at her. "What?" she asked
"Ben," Caleb said aloud, "Would you like to join us?" Elizabeth was momentarily rendered speechless as a red faced Ben pushed the door the rest of the way open.
As Ben entered, Caleb took his leave saying he would see both of them in the morning he kissed Elizabeth on the cheek and looked her square in the eye. She could read his expression; he wanted her to open up to Ben.
"I'm sorry," Ben said once the door closed. He sat down where Caleb had just been. "I heard voices and was just trying to see who was up. But then I heard you talking to Caleb and-"
"It's okay," she whispered cutting him off. "I'm glad you heard it because now you know why we can't do this." Ben looked incredulously at her. He reached up and caressed the side of her face.
"This doesn't mean anything," he insisted. "I want to marry you." Elizabeth started to cry once more.
"But Ben, a good wife gives her husband children along with everything else. There are so many women who would make better wives because of that."
"I would rather have you than twenty children," he answered without hesitation. "Elizabeth, I love you no matter what has happened or will happen. It's always been you. Please… please think about it," he implored. He took her face in his hands wiping away the tears on her cheeks with his thumbs. Then he acted purely on impulse and kissed her.
For the first time in almost two years he felt the familiar euphoria and was delighted when she kissed him back. It was a short kiss as Ben didn't want to push her. He kissed her forehead too and left her alone with her thoughts.
She sat for a time on the bed remembering the feeling of Ben's lips on hers. She began to think about what had happened. She started to realize that maybe being with Ben wasn't such a crime. She wondered if they loved each other, why she was fighting it still. He knew everything now and still wanted no one but her.
She suddenly knew her answer but would wait until the party to deliver it. In the meantime, she crawled back into bed and for the first time in a while, fell right to sleep.