Captain's Log Stardate 20078.09
After experiencing a strange nightmare before heading over to B'omar Space to dump toxic waste earlier this morning, we went to the Window of Dreams to have the Dream Species analyze the dream to get a clear heading on what's going on. So far, it's in the process of being analyzed!
After a long hour of sweat and strife, the dream's analysis is complete, thank God!
[hailing channel opens]
Aragon: Captain, you're dream has been analyzed. And we found out that this dream has time travel qualities. Qualities that we haven't seen since the Temporal Cold War!
Capt. Wex [puzzled]: What kind of qualities?
Aragon: Like a subliminal message from a different timeline.
Capt. Wex [paused for a moment]: Oh, uh...OK! Can you download it to my ship's Chronometrics Lab?
Aragon: Will do, Captain! Aragon out.
[screen changes to the view of the Window of Dreams]
So then I punch in the intercom and call for a top-notch Chronometrics Officer, who happens to have Post-Journeyman Stress Disorder, which happens to be a condition where he travels through time at some various points of his life:
Capt. Wex: Bridge to Mr. Vasser.
Lieutenant Commander Daniel Vasser [answers intercom with combadge]: Vasser here?
Capt. Wex: Meet me in the Chronometrics Lab on Deck 12, I've got a Special Pet Project for you. And Stan, you have the Bridge.
Stan: Roger that, Cap'!
Ah yes, the Chronometrics Lab, AKA The Time Travel Lab, where anything to do with Temporal Physics and all that time travel jargon lies in this very lab. It kind of looks similar to the Enterprise-D's last Stellar Cartography screen (kind of) but with uprated equipment. Right now, I and Dan are investigating the dream that the Dream Species analyzed for us by first playing back on the Chronometric Viewer.
Vasser: Well, Captain, here's the dream.
[the dream is shown in QuickTime format, of course]
Capt. Wex: Play it.
Vasser: Aye, sir. Playing it now.
The video plays, not much has changed, the dream is still the same, the girl's voice is still stolen and it still is being put in that Nautilus-shaped storage device. But then we get a big break on this investigation, I start to recollect on what the girl's face looks like, but still can't remember the girl's name:
Capt. Wex [pondering]: Mr. Vasser, rewind!
[Vasser rewinds to the beginning]
Capt. Wex: Now, perform a Chroniton Image Sweep on the girl's face in Video Grid 9-A!
For all those who don't know what a Chroniton Image Sweep is, pay close attention: it's like a total clean-up and refurbishing of an image or video (kinda like Adobe Photoshop or Adobe Premiere, per se) to the point where that image or video is not so blurry and comes in crystal clear like having 20/20 vision after having Lasik eye surgery done. This is one of the only times that I ever did a Chroniton Image Sweep, the other time was two weeks prior when we found the Enterprise-D reconstructed and intact; but I didn't believe that the Enterprise-D could build itself back together after being destroyed at Veridian III in 1994, so I went and did a Chroniton Image Sweep on the ship and found traces of chronitons and particle synthesis on the ship's hull, resulting in the machination of the TimeSplitters before we wiped them out clean. Anyway, he performed it, and when he played it back again, I was numbing and kind of trembling with the realization that her face was recognizable (she reminded me of that teenage daughter from the Bill Engvall Show, or like that Tiffany Maxwell from that Silver Linings Playbook movie I saw years later), thus remembering her name (I can't imagine why)!
Capt. Wex [realizing]: I think I know her name now!
Vasser: Captain, are you alright?
Capt. Wex: Mr. Vasser, I feel better than ever! Look up any information we have on a girl named Saraphine Wittle, and make it a double!
Vasser: 10-4, sir!
Then I and Stan head over to my quarters for investigating this girl named Saraphine Wittle, and why she's invading my dreams...
Stan: According to the VCARS Database, Saraphine Wittle was a Milaca Elementary School drop-out as of early 2002 before sixth grade graduation took place.
In case your wondering what VCARS (Voyager Computer Access And Retrieval System) is, it's an uprated version of LCARS that was installed into Voyager's computer network shortly before the 3-Month Tour, and it's more advanced (but easy-and-simple-to-use version of LCARS) than LCARS and when combined with Bio-Neural Circuitry, it's a formidable database and computer system to date.
Capt. Wex [whistles]: Well, too bad for her, huh?
Stan: That's not all, she also "supposedly" traveled back in time to kill the Mermaid named Ariel and- -
Capt. Wex: Wait a minute, Stan! You mean the Mermaid Ariel who married a prince from Glowerhaven Island named Eric Worcestershire to become the ambassadorial liasion between Humans and Merpeople in the late 1980s?
Stan: Yep, you've got that right!
Capt. Wex: Damn. What the hell possessed her to take out Ariel for?
Stan: To take her place in history.
I think for a minute. But it all the suddenly becomes clear to me...it was time for an Away Mission; and not just any Away Mission, but a time travel one...
Capt. Wex: When was Ariel whacked?
Stan: She was supposedly whacked by Saraphine in mid-September of '89. Why?
Capt. Wex: 'Cause we gotta go back in time to stop her from altering the history between Humans and Merpeople and from altering the history of our crew and the Delta Quadrant!
Stan: How the hell are we gonna do that?
Capt. Wex: We go to the Northwest Passage. I hereby decree that this mission is named Operation Mermaid Paradox! And to christen this expedition, we'll use the chroniton warhead we stole from the Krenim in the Delta Flyer to fire it into a quantum singularity to travel back in time! Now, let's move! [slaps his combadge] Mr. Zebeth, set course for the Northwest Passage, Quantum Slipstream Drive!
Jonas: You've got it Cap'!
Then Voyager's warp drive wings raise up and the ship engages in Quantum Slipstream Drive to head over to the Northwest Passage to begin this new Away Mission. But before their arrival, I and some of my crew gather in the Shuttlebay to see what's gonna go down:
Annika: Now, we've installed the chroniton warhead into the Delta Flyer's torpedo tube and set the time travel coordinates on the keypad, but the bad thing is that when it detonates upon impact, you'll have only a matter of 30 seconds to get your asses in there and fix the past.
Capt. Wex: Thanks, Doll! Now, I've packed a regiment of supplies and the like, but I'll need Stan to come with me, in case if something goes wrong and that I can't make it back in time!
Stan: Oh sweet!
Homer: Aw, why can't you just take me? I'm your best friend!
Capt. Wex: I know that. I just picked Stan because he's an expert on chronometrics.
[Homer raises his eyebrow at him, puzzled]
Capt. Wex: You know, the science of time travel!
Homer: Oh. I see. Can you bring back any souvenirs?
Capt. Wex: Yes, Homer, I'm pretty sure that I'll bring back some souvenirs.
Homer: WHOO!
Capt. Wex: Anyway, guys, let's get this show on the road! Stan, you come with me, and Homer you have the Bridge.
Homer: WHOO! I GET TO HAVE THE BRIDGE!
Lieutenant Commander Eric Theodore Cartman: Oh...my...God!
So now, I and Stan jump into the Delta Flyer and begin our mission...
Capt. Wex: Shuttlebay Control, this is the Delta Flyer. Requesting permission to depart.
Shuttlebay Control: This is Control, Delta Flyer, request permission to depart granted. 30 seconds till the doors open.
Stan: Clearing all moorings.
[Stan flips the mooring swtches]
Capt. Wex: Roger that, Stan. As soon as the doors open, I'll engage the engines at one-quarter impulse power and head out to an area in the Passage where there's as much quantum singularities as possible.
Stan: 10-4.
Shuttlebay Control: All moorings clear, now opening the Shuttlebay doors. Good luck, Captain and Mr. Marsh!
Now, we were on our way to find the right quantum singularity to fire the chroniton warhead and travel through that time portal. I was the pilot while Stan was at other stations (imagine that!).
Capt. Wex: Are the coordinates set to September 9th, 1989, in the Atlantic Ocean on Earth, Stan?
Stan: The coordinates are all set and ready to go, Cap'!
But then disaster strikes: Krenim operatives and rogue Species 8472 scouts arrive.
Sanch [on Delta Flyer speaker]: CAPTAIN! WE'VE PICKED UP KRENIM WARSHIPS AND 8472 SCOUT VESSELS AND THEY'RE HEADING YOUR WAY! WATCH OUT!
[Erwin Beekveld's "They're Taking The Hobbits To Isengard" plays in the background]
Capt. Wex [not fazed]: Not to worry, Sanch. Just keep 'em off our backs for a few minutes, will ya?
[now we shift over to Bridge]
Sanch: Will do, Captain! Now what, Homer?
Homer: OK, now, Sanch, take over the Tactical Station and fire a full weapons spread, phaser, transphasic torpedo and all!
Sanch: No problemo, Homie!
So while they deal with them aboard Voyager, Stan and I aboard the Delta Flyer find a quantum singluarity (the right one, I hoped) to fire the warhead and travel through time.
Capt. Wex: Found one yet?
Stan: Not yet Cap- -
[the ship gets hit]
Stan: Oh, God, Captain, we're- -
Capt. Wex: WE'RE NOT HIT! WE'RE NOT HIT, STAN! STOP SIDE-SEAT DRIVING!
Then a Krenim Captain named Vorgos appears on the Delta Flyer cockpit screen.
Vorgos [yelling, obviously!]: AHHH! GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING WARHEAD!
Capt. Wex: Look, Vorgos, we can settle this peacefully or the Hard Way, your choice!
Vorgos: I DON'T GIVE A FLYING BULLSHIT WHAT YOU THINK, WEX! YOU BURN ME, I BURN YOU!
Capt. Wex: Oh wow, Vorgos, did you ever back the wrong horse! Stan, cook him up, please?
Stan: Thought you'd never ask! One transphasic torpedo comin' right up, Cap'!
Capt. Wex: Fire!
One good thing about the Delta Flyer III is that them damn Federation engineers installed a rear torpedo tube in case if certain situations get out of whack like this one! Anyway, just one shot from a transphasic torpedo and...
[the Krenim ship explodes like that Branch Davidian compound at Whacky Waco, Texas]
And the quarterback is toast! Anyway, we find a quantum singularity and...
Stan: I've got one, Cap'!
Capt. Wex: Good. Let's get the launcher ready!
Then we prime the launcher, which is attached to the Ops console like a B-2 Stealth Bomber launcher keypad. And the launcher reads 00:30 Seconds.
Capt. Wex: Fire the warhead!
Stan: COMINGTOYEAHAAAA!
Then we fire the chroniton warhead. At first glance, it looked like a dark blue transphasic torpedo on steroids, but it was still a beautiful sight, nevertheless. Anyway, upon impact, it turned the singularity into a portal like that Yu-Gi-Oh card, the Mystical Space Typhoon, it was an even more beautiful sight. Then the timer on the keypad counted down from the 30-second mark...
Stan: Ya think ya can get us in there in 30 seconds?
Capt. Wex: I AIN'T HEARD THE FAT LADY SING YET!
Stan: Forget the Fat Lady, you're obsessed with the Fat Lady, Wex. Just get us the hell in there!
So I fly straight for the portal then I felt a shudder from an 8472 scout ship firing their stupid beam, but luckily, the multi-adaptive shielding was holding. Voyager's firing weapons spreads, the other ships are shooting at us, the odds are kinda against us until...
Stan: Cap'! The portal's- -
Capt. Wex: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Stan: Must go faster, must go faster, must go faster. Go, go, go ,go go, go, GO!
So I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and initiate the Delta Flyer's afterburners, hoping to make it in there before the portal closes up for good. But then in the nick of time, we make it in there with 1 second to go as the portal collapses and the vessels get destroyed by Voyager, and our Away Mission: Operation Mermaid Paradox, begins!
Capt. Wex: OH, ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!
Stan [impersonating Elvis]: Oh, thank you very much! Oh, I love you, bro!
[Wex and Stan are shaking hands and celebrating like Christmastime]
Meanwhile, aboard Voyager:
Homer: They made it through! WHOO!
Jonas: Now, all we do is...pray!