Now, the mission, christened as Operation Mermaid Paradox, was finally underway. We exit the time portal to Earth's Atlantic Ocean in September 9th, 1989, sunny, 1630 Hours Glowerhaven Daylight Time. Now we come across a goofy drunken seagull named Scuttle. Now Scuttle claims to know so much about Humans that he had a PhD. in Sociology, but trouble is, he's an illiterate oaf. Why, you ask? Well, for example: one time when Ariel and her ocean sunfish (I think that's who he is!) friend named Flounder was exploring a shipwreck, they found two items. Scuttle named one of the items a dinglehopper, something, as he put it, that Humans use to straighten their hair out. That's not a dinglehopper, it's a freaking fork for christ's sakes! And that's not what Humans use their forks for, they use a fork for food like lasagna, pancakes, or like...I don't know, uh, mashed potatoes, steak, pot stickers...I could go on and on, but you probably want to hear about that second item, right? Well, anyway, that second item, he claims he hasn't seen in years, is a banded, bulbous thing called a snarfblatt. The snarfblatt, he claims, dates back to prehistoric times when Humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day. So he claims that they invented the snarfblatt to make fine music. Whoa, stop there! That's not a snarfblatt, that's a freaking pipe you smoke with for crying out loud! Now, I'm not totally sure if we Humans invented music during the prehistoric times, but I do know that music has been around for many eons (that's a helluva long time). Anyway, Scuttle's doing something goofy like Joe Dirt or someone similar, until the portal opens up and scares the hell out of Scuttle:
[portal opens up, the Delta Flyer exits the portal, the portal closes up]
Capt. Wex [on speakers]: Don't be alarmed, Scuttle, we're just, uh, on a mission.
Stan [on speakers]: Yeah, on a mission.
Capt. Wex [on speakers]: So carry on, Scuttle, don't worry about us, capisci? Anyway, see ya on the flip side.
[the Delta Flyer flies away]
Scuttle [some goofy Buddy Hackett accent]: HOLY FREAKING GULLCRACKERS! THERE BE ALIENS HERE!
[He hides in his tent, scared shitless]
Away Mission Log Stardate 19899.09
We have arrived at the target destination of September 9th of 1989 (aka this stardate) near Glowerhaven Island in Earth's Atlantic Ocean. According to the VCARS Database, Glowerhaven Island is a joint government establishment between U.S., British and Portuguese governments. Although it's primary government function is a monarchy, they sometimes have a democratic election every now and then. Also according to the VCARS Database, it's located somewhere near the Azores. We're concentrating our search for the chronometric signature that will tell us if history is about to be altered there. So far, we haven't had any luck looking for this "signature."
Now, it's nearly 1700 Hours Glowerhaven Time, and the Delta Flyer's on silent running, and cruising on the calm ocean, going at only 50 or 60 knots, we all of the suddenly get an absurd idea to pass the time:
Capt. Wex: Stan, do we still have the Temporal Party Barge?
Stan: Uh, yeah, it's stored in an Holodeck Object Cube. Why?
In case you're wondering what Holodeck Object Cube is, it's a type of cube where you can store objects in. From anything small like a pack of Winston cigarettes and a flea, to anything huge like starships and shuttlecraft and of course: the Temporal Party Barge. The Temporal Party Barge was a present to Stan Marsh by the Temporal Integrity Commission in the 29th Century when he stopped Capt. Braxton of the U.S.S. Relativity from planting a temporal disruptor underneath Voyager before her maiden voyage of 4 years (i.e. the 4-Year Tour of Journey). The barge consists of portals where partygoers of all eras (especially cavemen) can enter and exit as they wish. It also has these dance floors that are totally futuristic, but the strobe and lights still remain the same as they did back during 1970s disco era, but it's still awesome. The exterior is kind of reminiscent to the space cruiseliner Titanic from Doctor Who when the Tenth Doctor tried to stop that Max cyborg from crashing the Titanic onto Earth with some kind of subatomic reactor with enough power to destroy an entire planet like the Death Star for instance. Anyway, my response:
Capt. Wex: 'Cause we're gonna get freaky and party for the rest of the night!
Stan: But Cap', what about the mission?
Capt. Wex: Ah, not to worry, Stan, we'll have plenty of time to look for that damn signature later. But now, LET'S PARTAY!
Stan: YEAHAAA!
Now we go underwater, where the Merpeople live (obviously!). And we come past the Atlantica DMZ (Demilitarized Zone), a fine-line border circling Atlantica where if Ursula or other threats try to enter their city, the Demilitarized Zone is where King Triton comes in and subdues them with his Trident. According to the VCARS Database, the Trident is a pitch-fork like weapon that can shoot powerful shots of polaron energy when used in combination with the Sea Crown (or some way, it works). Anyway, we see this Mermaid with purple fins swimming from two structures that look like a gate of some kind. Could it be a Temporal Conduit that Saraphine used to travel back in time? Maybe. Right now, she's traveling with a Jamaican Crab who writes and conducts symphonies like if he was the John Williams of the Sea named Horatio Sebastian:
Horatio Felonius Ignacious Crusteacous Sebastian [Jamaican accent]: Now, Saraphine, since you're new in town, I'm gonna show you the inner workings of- -
"Saraphine" [Jennifer Lawrence-like voice]: What do you suppose that is?
She swims up to the surface, Sebastian follows...
Sebastian [chasing Saraphine]: Saraphine? SARAPHINE?
She makes it to the surface, she then sees the party barge and witnesses fireworks, strobe lights and the like. She also see's the Delta Flyer parked on the helipad of the barge. Saraphine has a little giggle or two. Then Sebastian makes it up to the surface.
Sebastian: Saraphine, what are you- - [gasps] Jumping jellyfish!
[Saraphine swims over to the party barge, clearly defying Sebastian's orders]
Sebastian: SARAPHINE, PLEASE COME BACK!
[As Saraphine gets closer, she hears Ginuwine's "Pony" playing throughout the barge]
So she gets closer to the barge, grabs onto a rope and climbs up to the peephole and sees me alone, enjoying the view after I partied rock hard. Then Scuttle comes into the picture, somehow...
Scuttle [flying]: HEY SARAPHINE, QUITE A SHOW, EH?
Saraphine: Quiet, Scuttle, they'll fucking hear you!
Scuttle: Oh, yeah! I got ya, I got ya!
[So Scuttle finally lands, next to Saraphine]
Scuttle: This could be quite an interpretation. WE'RE OUT TO DISCOVER- -
[Saraphine snaps his mouth shut]
Saraphine: I'd never seen a handsome guy like him this close before! He's totally freaking handsome, isn't he, Scuttle?
Scuttle [puzzled]: Uh, I don't know, he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me!
Saraphine: Not the dog, you idiot! The one who's looking out to the sea, right above to us.
Scuttle [now realizing]: Oh, I see.
I'm looking out into the ocean. Why? Well, simple: I'm thinking that settling down with Annika Hansen is kind of a bad idea like crossing proton pack streams to destroy an evil force (of course when I say proton packs, I mean what the Ghostbusters use) and send it back to where it came from. So then Stan comes in the picture and decides to talk to me. And I'm wondering what's that huge-ass thing under that cloth:
[Now the music changes to Filter/The Crystal Method's "(Can't You) Trip Like I Do" and as before with "Pony," it plays throught the barge]
Stan: Oh, Wex, before we start to look for the signature, I have something for you.
Capt. Wex: What are you up to?
Stan: Oh, nothin'. It's just a present.
Capt. Wex: What do you mean a present?
Stan: Well, I couldn't afford to buy you anything, so I made you one.
Capt. Wex: Oh, thanks, pal! And you know something, Stan, it's the thought that counts. And besides, if you make my present, that makes it all the more special!
Stan: OK, then, happy early birthday, Wex!
[Stan pulls back the cloth to reveal a Godly statue of Capt. Wex in a classic Lorne Greene pose from Battlestar Galactica]
When he pulled back that cloth, I just gave that statue of me a scowl (or a dirty look, if you so prefer) and was wondering: What in God's green earth was he thinking by making this statue of me for? But I held back the criticism and just simply said:
Capt. Wex: Uh [chuckles a little bit], gee, uh, Stan, it's, uh, it's one helluva something!
Stan: Yeah, I had this bad boy in primo condition and commissioned it myself. But, of course, I'd hoped it would be a wedding present someday!
Capt. Wex: Ah, come on, Stan, don't you even start that shit with me! You're still not sore like an asshole 'cause I'm not falling for Annika Hansen, are you?
[Capt. Wex tosses an antique spyglass to Stan, upon which it nearly slips out of his hands, but he succeeds in catching it]
Stan: Oh, Wex, it's not just me, man, I mean, the whole ship wants you to happily settle down with the right girl, don't ya know?
[Wex scoffs and looks out to the ocean again]
Stan: I mean, come on, man! You've got Annika Hansen, wanna settle down for a change?
Capt. Wex: It's my life, OK?
Stan: Just a little loyalty right now would be nice, that's all.
Capt. Wex: Like what? Settling down with Annika Hansen would make me less of the man I once was during the Glory Days?
Stan: Well...if you put it that way, then yes, it does.
Then a caveman named Adam comes up from the dance floor downstairs:
"Adam": Hey guys, Tina's here, we're getting back together!
Stan: HEY! Give us a minute! [Stan turns back to Wex, as Adam leaves] Well?
Capt. Wex: Well, Stan, I know she's out there in the universe somewhere. I just...haven't found her yet, that's all.
Stan: Well, perhaps, you haven't been looking hard enough, bro.
Capt. Wex: Oh, believe you me, Stan, when I find her, I'll know. I mean without a doubt, it'll suddenly hit me in the face, like KABOOM! Like a storm of sorts!
Stan: Speaking of, check that out.
[Stan points out to the ocean and sees a strange flash of multi-color lightning and thunder]
Capt. Wex: Oh, shit!
Now, it seems that a chroniton storm appears over the ocean, with hurricane force winds to accompany the chroniton storm. In case you don't know what a chroniton storm is, then listen up! A chroniton storm is an energetic occurrence at the temporal/subatomic level. It can sometimes rip the fabric of the space/time continuum to a point, but it won't destroy it, just roll through it like if it was a regular thunderstorm or hurricane of sorts. So basically, point being, it's like a hurricane on steroids. When inside a chroniton storm, it looks like the Nexus energy ribbon, with all that lightning flashing inside. The only way to survive a chroniton storm is to have a ship equipped with temporal shielding, or otherwise, you'll be toast. But have Humans survived it without temporal shielding? Maybe once, and that was a miracle. It was 29th Century Temporal Integrity Commission Captain Braxton when he was on a Temporal Away Mission during the Temporal Cold War to deal with a handful of Xindi assholes and they unleashed a chroniton storm on his ship: the Aeon and he fell out of his ship when the storm got the best of him, but he survived somehow and defeated them with the assistance of the crew of the NX Class vessel, Enterprise. So anyway, we see the storm, and someone panics like Wreck-It Ralph when he went turbo in a Halo-like arcade game:
Some Guy: HURRICANE A-COMING!
Capt. Wex: THAT'S NOT A HURRICANE, YOU DUMB-ASS! IT'S A FREAKING CHRONITON STORM!
Some Guy: GET OUT FAST! SHUT DOWN THE PARTY BARGE!
So then everybody panics, trying to get out of the party barge:
One Partygoer: EVERYBODY, GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!
[Everybody scrambles, trying to get out]
Mr. Potato Head [Martin Lawrence-like voice]: Where's my ear? Where's my ear? Did any of you see my ear?
Mr. Rex [Wallace Shawn-like voice]: Ahh, alright, HERE I GO! HERE I GO! [smacks into the exit] Ahh! [he makes through the portal]
Scuttle [holding on with his dear life]: WHOA! SARAPHINE, THAT WIND IS-A DEFINITELY ON THE MOVE HERE! [he gets blown off the rope] YO! [he's blown with the wind] SARAPHIIIIIINE!
So then me and Stan hop back into the Delta Flyer and take off as everybody left the party barge and Stan restores the party barge into a Holodeck Object Cube.
Capt. Wex: OK, Stan, you flying?
Stan: Damn skippy, I am!
Capt. Wex: I just sure as hell hope that the temporal shielding is working or else we'll be goners and it'll be one helluva short trip. OK, Stan, punch it!
So we proceed to 'ride out the storm!' We enter, and the ship gets rocked by all of the sheering forces of the storm (of course). And the shield holds, while the ship shakes and rattles from the forces of the storm. But then, disaster strikes, a lighting flash knocks out one of the temporal shielding arrays on the port bow, causing it to go down by little over a half of percentage:
Computer: Temporal shielding down 39%
Capt. Wex: Damn! Looks like I'll have to go out there and fix the array.
Stan: Captain, ARE YOU COCO INSANE?! You might die out there, or worse!
Capt. Wex: Don't worry about me, Stan, I can fix it! And besides, this storm's not so tough. I think I can take it! Now, Stan, open that damn hatch!
Stan: Oh, alright! But if you die out here, I'm not gonna be held liable, capisci?
Capt. Wex: Yeah, I'm down with that.
Stan: OK. Now be careful out there!
Stan opens the hatch, and it's windy, stormy (temporally speaking) and the whole nine yards. But I brave it out there and try to fix the shielding array. I did an adjustment here and a scraping there with my Craftsman multi-tool with a built-in arc-wielder and after that, a huge spark flew and the shield is back online.
Stan [chuckles in cheer]: YOU DID IT, CAP'!
Then I tried to reach for the hatch, but then disaster strikes, again!
Stan: BE CAREFUL, CAPTAIN! YOU DON'T WANNA GET STRUCK BY CHRONITON LIGHTNING!
[A bolt of chroniton lightning strikes on the Delta Flyer, causing Wex to fall onto the ocean below]
Stan: WEX! [confused for a minute] Ah, shit! I gotta find Glowerhaven Island and land this damn thing!
So here I go, falling off the Delta Flyer like a huge raindrop into an endless vista of ocean (Like that one planet in the Delta Quadrant I visited years ago during the Tour of Journey.)! My life was flashing before my eyes, I thought I was done for and was gonna die (and then maybe go on to the road to Sto-Vo-Kor, the Klingon afterlife.). But when I fell into the ocean, I passed out from my near-death experience (no, I didn't die, thank God!) and was pulled up to the surface by a passing Mermaid. Could she be Saraphine? Or somebody else? I didn't know until the morning after, when the storm passed and supposedly brought me back on dry land (i.e. Glowerhaven Island, I just didn't know it.). Although I was knocked out, I kinda heard her and Scuttle trying to figure out if I was dead or alive:
Saraphine: Is he...dead, Scuttle?
[Scuttle opens Wex's eyelid, looking for any signs of consciousness]
Scuttle [kind of losing hope]: It's hard to say.
Then I feel Scuttle checking my left foot for any kind of pulse. Seriously, check my left foot for a pulse?! Was that seagull on crack or LSD or something? That's not how you check anyone for a pulse! You either check on the arm somewhere or the neck. But the foot, you gotta be shitting me?! How the hell did he get his smarts on Humans? Well, I don't know, let's just carry on:
Scuttle [loses his optimism instantly]: Oh, I'm sorry Saraphine. I can't make out a pulse or a heartbeat.
Then I start to wake up. Slowly, but surely:
Saraphine: No, wait a minute, Scuttle, he's waking up! He's so heavenly handsome...
Then she sang that Vanessa Carlton hit song with an angelic voice I'll never forget:
Saraphine [a la Vanessa Carlton]: If I could fall...Into the sky...
[Sebastian and Flounder arrive on shore]
Saraphine [a la Vanessa Carlton]: Do you think time...Would pass me byyyy...
[Sebastian's jaw drops, but then Scuttle brings it back up]
Saraphine [a la Vanessa Carlton]: 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles [Wex looks sleepily at her and smiles at her] If I could just see you...tonight.
I was starting to wake up, but everything was all blurry and dream-like and had no idea if I was dead, or dreaming, or just sleepy. But when she sang that song and I saw her for the first time, she kinda reminded me of another girl I saw in the Hunger Games named Katniss Everdeen, but thrice more hotter; she had red hair like winter fire (kinda like January embers, for instance; my heart burns there too!), and her voice was angelic (maybe even better than Ariel's, I think!) like if she came down from Heaven and became a legendary performer of some sorts! Man, it felt good. But I knew I had a mission to accomplish, to stop a girl named Saraphine Wittle from killing Ariel and taking her place in history. And right then and there, I'd figured that time was running out and that I needed to get my ass up and moving to complete this mission. Anyway, a dog starts licking me and I totally wake up now:
Prince Eric Worcestershire: MAX, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! QUIT MONKEYING AROUND WITH THEM DAMN CRAZY PEOPLE!
[Max licks Wex, then returns to the prince]
Then when I wake up, I start coughing and hacking out sea water out of my system like how the German Shepard Charlie Barkin did in New Orleans in 1939 when he returned to Earth from his time in Heaven, or like how I did back in 1993 when Willy the Orca saved my life from drowning. Then after gasping for air and smashing water out of my old-fashioned pocket watch (in which after a few smashes on the beach floor, the watch ticks again and works in perfect working order), I suddenly say:
Capt. Wex: Ah, I'm alive!
Then Stan comes up out of the blue...
Stan: Captain?
Wex [jumps in surprise]: Jesus Christ, Stan! What the hell you're trying to do? Give me a heart attack?
Stan: You need to have a heart before you can have an attack, Captain. Are ya OK? 'Cause last night, you fell out of- -
Capt. Wex: Yeah, I know.
Stan: So how the hell you get on dry land last night?
Capt. Wex [gets up, stands kind of wobbly]: A woman...rescued me! She was so damn beautiful. She even had the most angelic voice I've ever heard while she singing that Vanessa Carlton hit A Thousand Miles!
[Wex nearly falls, but Stan catches him]
Stan: Uh, Cap', I think you swallowed some sea water. [Stan carries Wex while walking on the beach floor] Now, I parked the Delta Flyer on a rock near Glowerhaven Beach and I cloaked it to make sure nobody here on Glowerhaven Island would panic at the sight of a futuristic Starfleet shuttlecraft mistaken for an alien craft from the future or something like that!
Capt. Wex [chortles a little bit]: Yeah, and if the frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass!
[Both Stan and Wex laugh a little bit and walk over to the cloaked Delta Flyer]
So I and Stan walk over to the cloaked Delta Flyer on that beach rock on Glowerhaven Island, and prepare to find that chronometric signature in which is the focal point of which time gets altered. Before we go any further, I gotta tell you how the Delta Flyer got the cloaking device: shortly before the 3-Month Tour, a starfleet engineer who worked on developing U.S.S. Prometheus when it was still experimental in 1996 had a spare cloaking device he confiscated from Romulan Tal Shiar agents during a skirmish with them in 2002. So he decided to install the spare cloaking device into the Delta Flyer for the 3-Month Tour and decided to put it to good use. Needless to say, it worked like a charm (especially in situations like this when the denizens of Glowerhaven are always gazing out to the ocean)! So anyway, Saraphine layed next to a beach rock and gazed at me and Stan as we walked over to the Delta Flyer (unbeknownst to me). But then Sebastian decided to get a few words in:
Sebastian: We just wanna forget that this forbidden thing ever happened. What the Sea King don't know won't hurt him, right? [looks at Flounder] You won't tell him, I won't tell him. I shall forever stay in one piece!
Then Saraphine decided to sing that Vanessa Carlton hit song again, except without me noticing and with the wind blowing her hair and...stuff:
Saraphine [a la Vanessa Carlton]: If I could fall...Into the sky...Do you think time...Would pass...us byyy...
Then she just let's herself out:
Saraphine [a la Vanessa Carlton]: CAUSE YOU KNOW I'D WALK A THOUSAND MILES IF I COULD JUST...see you...[she goes silent a little bit] If I could just...hold yoooou...[a wave crashes] TONIGHT [holds the note]!
[piano instrumentals for Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles" play in the background, and then ends after a mere 11 seconds]
Then there are two electric eels named Flotsam and Jetsam, faithful servants of a Sea Witch named Ursula for over 20-some years after she found nearly dead in the Sargasso Sea from malnutrition and neglect from other eels. Anyway, they decided to join Ursula as she lures unsuspecting Merfolk victims into her lair which is, ironically, the ruins of the Titanic (after she went down in 1912) and her nerve center of her lair, is, frankly, where the Butaker state room once was! Weird, isn't it? Well, anyway, Ursula has the kind of spells and enchantments to say, for example, turn a fugly Mermaid into a sexy Mermaid and get her Merman. Or turn a skinny-as-a-toothpick Merdude into a hunk. But the subject of payment was that if they didn't kiss the other Merperson of their dreams, they would lose their enchantment or spell and become some kind of creature and would belong to Ursula forever!And another thing about Ursula is that she's the oldest of the two daughters who have a woman's body with octopus legs. The youngest was Morgana, who got neglected by her older sister and was treated like an outcast (even after King Triton kicked both Ursula and her out of Atlantica)! Well, enough said about her, but I can tell you now that the two eels are being the eyes, ears, and maybe voice, for Ursula in case she can't watch over unsuspecting victims like how she's watching Saraphine now:
Ursula [some snobby accent]: Oh, good God, no, no, no, no, no! I can't stand it. It's all too easy! The new Mermaid On The Block is in love with a Human. And not just any Human, A STARSHIP CAPTAIN FROM THE FUTURE! [chortles] Oh, Triton will love that! Atlantica's headstrong, lovesick New Mermaid On The Block...would make a charming addition to my little garden!
But before she could laugh, she's gets an uninvited visitor:
Mysterious Figure [some evil and ragged, deep bass voice like the Kurgan]: Ursula, your time is up!
Ursula: No, wait, Kosovo, I- -
[Kosovo raises his bony finger and it turns into a stabbing weapon like the T-1000 and kills Ursula by stabbing her brain, spreading blood all over the state room]
Kosovo: Now, find the two eels and absorb them.
Two Strange-Looking Creatures [Darth Vader-like voices]: Yes, my master.
Now, the two eels finish their work, not knowing that their master has been killed by a being named Kosovo. On the way there, Flotsam tries getting a school of fish by zapping them, but he fails:
Flotsam [some British accent]: Ah, damn it!
Jetsam [some British or Australian accent]: What, what is it, Flotsam?
Flotsam: I never get a fish, I never get anything!
Jetsam: Aw, Flotsam, why don't I order some Chinese food?
Flotsam: Oh, I don't know...
Jetsam: Let's get some Chinese...
[Jetsam grabs out a AT&T headset and automatically dials a number, then the number picks up]
Chinese Fast Food Guy [on the phone]: Hello? Hong Kong Phooey's?
Jetsam: Hello, I'd like to have, oh, what you do you think? Um, 50 pounds of kung pao chicken.
Flotsam: Oh, that's good!
Jetsam: Uh, 30 pot stickers, and one order of scallion pancakes. [turns to Flotsam] Fried rice?
[Flotsam nods]
Jetsam: And 5 tons of fried rice.
Fast Food Guy: Cash or charge?
Jetsam: Cash or charge? It's um...hang on. [turns to Flotsam] We're just gonna fry his ass when he gets here, right?
Flotsam: Yeah.
Jetsam: OK, it's cash then. Thanks, bye.
[Jetsam automatically hangs up]
Headset: Thank you for using AT&T.
Jetsam: Now, let's go home.
Flotsam: Before something else happens to us!
But then those two strange-looking creatures that look like eels appear and subdue the eels and takes on their victims' forms, replacing the original eels.