Delta Quadrant Fever: Operation Mermaid Paradox

by Wexamillion Major

On this episode of DQF, the Captain and Stan must go back to Glowerhaven Island of Earth's Atlantic Ocean in 1989 to find out why a siren named Saraphine Wittle is trying to kill a Mermaid named Ariel and take her place in history. But things don't necessarily go as planned, as Wex falls for Saraphine Whittle like a blind roofer and find out that somebody else's pulling the strings

6. Operation Mermaid Paradox: Day 2

Away Mission Log Stardate 19899.10

It is Day 2 of Operation Mermaid Paradox, and I still haven't gotten anywhere of finding that damn chronometric signature! Luckily, I have my Merdude Suit that I made years ago during the '90s when I was still serving aboard the Enterprise-D. I'll use that to traverse to Atlantica and find that damn chronometric signature and stop that girl from killing Ariel and taking her place in history. The fate of the universe and Ariel is in my very hands...so here I go...

So here I was, Day 2 of Operation Mermaid Paradox, and like I said on my Log Entry, I still haven't got anywhere of finding...you know...the signature. I woke up this morning to a beautiful (and not to mention, heavenly) woman singing that Vanessa Carlton hit, A Thousand Miles, why would she save my life from drowning when I suspect her to be the Saraphine Wittle who is about to kill Ariel? I don't know. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually. But for now, I have a mission breifing inside the Delta Flyer to attend to:

Stan [logs into VCARS]: Now, Cap', I'm telling you, if you wanna find that girl and stop her from altering history, the first thing you gotta do is to don your Merdude Suit and locate that damn signature to let us know when history is about to be altered, sounds good?

Capt. Wex: Don't worry, Stan, I'll follow the trail, see if I can catch up with her before she kills Ariel.

Stan [turns on a secretive communication system and then hands Wex a mysterious earpiece]: Here, Cap', we'll keep in contact with this: it's a wireless codec system slaved to the communication systems aboard the Delta Flyer. And in case anyone tries to jam or interfere with it, don't bother, this codec signal is locked with quantum cryptology, basically bouncing through a dozen of different satellites, they'll never be able to follow it. And remember: the coded frequency is 140.95.

Capt. Wex: Sounds good, I'll let ya know when I reach Atlantica.

Stan: Alrighty then, Wex, see ya on the flip side!

So then I don the Merdude Suit (which my suit has black fins, like if it was examined in detail like a black gemstone so cold it burned) and jump in the sea salt-infested ocean that is the Atlantic Ocean. In case you don't know what my Merdude Suit is or what it's capable of, then keep an open ear on this one: It's a secret Starfleet technology that allows the wearer to become one of the Merpeople and to breathe underwater and roam free in water-like environments on planets like a certain one in the Delta Quadrant back years ago during the 4-Year Tour of Journey where shortly after the Delta Flyer's first Away Mission in 1997 we were to ignite the planet's hydrogen core to keep it from collapsing. Anyway, the Merdude Suit is also capapble of being Polaron-proof just in case if King Triton or anyone, or anything tried to sabotage the mission, the energy bounces back at the source or at random places like the ECMs of that ADFX-02 "Morgan" plane from Ace Combat Zero: The Belkan War, can enable easy-to-use swimming with Turbofin technology, can utilize Stealth optic camouflage to disappear from enemies (and not to mention from their sensors as well) in a flash, and last, but not the very least, a holographic display invented by former Foxhound Squad member Decoy Octopus which creates a carbon-copy of the Merdude wearer while he is in suspended animation and invisible from both the naked eye and certain sensors. So anyway, I jump in, and at first the signal started to go crazy (I was like, WTF? Literally!), then it went to the very Central Plexus of Atlantica. So I had to patch in Stan:

Capt. Wex: Can you hear me, Stan?

Stan [Codec]: Loud and clear, man! So what's the story?

Capt. Wex: The signal seems to be coming from inside Atlantica itself, I'm gonna send a decoy in there so that Triton's guards don't pounce on the real me.

[Capt. Wex creates a carbon-copy of himself through a wrist device where the carbon-copy is alive through the real Wex, sustained in suspended animation invisible to the Merpeople]

So my carbon-copy goes in, looks around Atlantica, passes by the Merdaughter Quarters, passes by Sebastian's Composition Studio, then passes by the Atlantica Symphony Hall, then finally goes into Triton's Throne Room. And underneath the Throne is an energy source so powerful that if Ursula or her greedy little sister, Morgana, tried to get their slimy claws over it, kiss the Merpeople goodbye. Well, anyway, my carbon-copy gets spotted by Triton himself:

King Triton: Is there anything I could help you with, son?

Capt. Wex (Carbon-Copy): Uh, no, Sire, I was just, uh, mooning around, that's all.

King Triton: Well, my fellow Merman, I just wanted to make sure that you're not...[expression changes from jolly to suspicious]...up to something!

Capt. Wex (Carbon-Copy): Uh, yeah, right. I'll just swim away, thank you kindly!

As soon as my decoy escaped from Triton's sight (and from his guards) and disappated into oblivion, I kinda realized that the power source was not the chronometric signature that I and Stan had been looking for. So then I called Stan back:

Capt. Wex: Stan!

Stan: Yeah, Cap'?

Capt. Wex: It's not Atlantica's Central Plexus, I looked and it's not there. Jesus Christ in a Cardigan Sweater, man, what the heck am I gonna do? What possible- -

Stan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm yourself, Captain! Lie down before you hurt yourself. Now, Cap', my sensors indicate that at your 3 O'Clock, there's a "dugout" called the Wrong Side of Town.

Capt. Wex: Wrong Side of Town?

Stan: Yes, Cap', the Wrong Side of Town!

Capt. Wex: Oh, I get it! The hangout for Merdudes and Mergirls where they read Human prono and drink booze and shit like that, right?

Stan: Yes, siree!

Both Stan and I get a little laugh in before I have to get back in finding that damn signature...

Capt. Wex [clears his throat after all that laughing]: Now, Stan, do you know who runs this "dugout?"

Stan: Um, yes, fortunately! [logs onto VCARS, a name and face pops up] He's a Merdude scrub named Urchin. So find him, and interrogate him for Saraphine's whereabouts...

Capt. Wex: Roger that, Stan, I'll keep that in mind.

So then I proceed to this "dugout" called the Wrong Side of Town. For I can only imagine what kind of shit-smelling foulness could lie about in this "dugout!" So now we come up to this underwater sea cave, which looks like a Merpeople Speakeasy (or Hooch Parlor of sorts) where Merteens hang out and fantasize about being in the Human world (rather like Ariel for instance). The leader of this speakeasy happens to be a scrawny little toothpick of a Merdude scrub named Urchin, who tried to profess his love for Ariel shortly before she met Prince Eric and became the ambassadorial liasion between Humans and Merpeople. When she turned him down, he went into a nervous breakdown and ended up a dead Merdude after he tried to play Hero Boy by attempting to defeat Ursula himself. So needless to say, he didn't came to a glorious end (too bad for him, huh?). So, anyways, where was I, oh yeah, the speakeasy:

Urchin [Wesley Crusher-like voice]: Come on, guys, I can't just...go up to Ariel and say: "I LOVE YOU" out of the clear blue, she'll literally kick my ass!

Chelsea [Julia Roberts-like voice]: Not necessarily, she might bite a little bit, but she won't totally attack like Mr. Jaws!

Urchin: You mean that Great White Shark that was killed by a scientist and a police officer on a fishing boat back in the '70s?

Chelsea: Exactly!

Then I come in the picture...At first, they were bewildered, but then they settled down as they realized that I was not King Triton, but they would fear about what's coming up next...

Capt. Wex: Alright, ladies and gents, I need you to tell me the location of the New Mermaid in Town!

Urchin: There's no new Mermaid in Town! So stop harassing my friends!

Capt. Wex: Oh please, you know that I didn't come here to harass, I came here to reward. Now, do any one of you know the location of the New Mermaid in Town, Saraphine?

Urchin: Oh, you mean her! Sorry man, can't tell you, one of Ariel's lackeys told me to keep it a sec- -

So then I push him against the cave wall (thank God it didn't collpase or it would've killed us) and I pressed on him to find out what he knows of Saraphine:

Capt. Wex: THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER I WANT, URCHIN! NOW, WHERE IS SHE?

Urchin [strangled]: OK, OK, just stop holding me against the wall!

So I let him off the wall, and he proudly explained to me the whereabouts:

Urchin [hoarsed voice]: The New Girl said she was gonna find Ariel and hang out with her and her little sunfish friend of her's uh- -

Capt. Wex: Flounder!

Urchin: Yeah, at this one sea cave near- -

Capt. Wex: The Atlantica DMZ!

Urchin: Yeah!

Capt. Wex: Thank you, Urchin, you've been most helpful! Now there's no time to lose!

So then I patched in Stan to tell him of the current situation:

Capt. Wex: Stan, come in Stan!

Stan: Stan here, what's up?

Capt. Wex: I need you to tell me where I can find this sea cave of Ariel's, the one where she collected personal effects from shipwrecks before she became the ambassador between Humans and Merpeople!

Stan: OK, from your 9 O'Clock, go about between 15 to 30 kilometers, from there you'll find the DMZ, then on your left-hand side, you'll see the cave, why?

Capt. Wex: 'Cause history's about to be altered!

Stan: Captain, what's going on down there? Captain? CAPTAIN?

Capt. Wex: You thought I'd left, didn't ya?

Stan: Jesus Christ in a Cardigan Sweater, don't scare me like that, man!

Capt. Wex: OK, I'm really gonna go this time.

So then I headed off to the DMZ, narrowly escaping detection by King Triton's lackeys and guards via my Stealth camouflage. Then I find the sea cave which has a talc boulder as a front door to this cave of personal effects. But before I went in, I checked my tricorder, and the levels of chroniton were heavily spiking like crazy (almost as if it were the sensors of that Dorothy machine giving off data from the twister like if it was Christmastime), that only meant that not only did I find the chronometric signature, but I've also found that history was about to be altered. And to my amazement, I saw Saraphine Wittle herself just about ready to do the dark deed and take her place in history, and worse, she had a Garrote Wire with her! Even more worse, I could not fathom that this could be the woman that sang me that Vanessa Carlton song oh so eloquently just this morning, could she? COULD SHE?

[Ariel and Flounder conversing about...Human stuff and of dreams on being on dry land]

Saraphine Wittle [silently waiting for her target]: I've got you now, bitch!

But I bet she wasn't expecting me to come up from out of the blue, drawing out my phaser and tell her to put her weapon down, wasn't she?

Capt. Wex [draws out phaser, points it at her]: Hold it, right there! Now, drop the garrote wire!

Saraphine looks at me, as if she's saying "WTF?"

Capt. Wex [acting all serious]: You heard me, I said drop the garrote wire, lady!

So then she drops the wire on the ocean floor, acting like she didn't know what the hell's going on:

Saraphine: I'd just saved your life last night from drowning and you don't trust me?

Capt. Wex: There are times that I don't trust anybody or anything!

Saraphine: Not even your own eyes?

So then I look at her purple fins and her black seashell bra and then begin to look at her neck and notice a golden locket like the one I gave to Ramada Hayman back in the '90s, and I started to thinking, Yeah, that's the same locket that I noticed on the girl who rescued me last night from drowning during the chroniton storm before she serenaded me that Vanessa Carlton song before I regained consciousness. But then it hit me like a slippery fish: she is the girl with the locket, she is the girl who rescued me from drowning that night, and most of all, she's the girl who serenaded me the tender words of that song! But the only thing that didn't seem to make sense is why she would do the direct opposite a killer from a different time who would kill Ariel and take her place in history would do? Why?

Saraphine: That was me who rescued you last night, I believe it's only fair to thank me, Wonderboy, don't ya think?

Capt. Wex [surprised]: YOU! Why, I, I uh, [chuckles a little bit] I didn't know. [then his expression changes from surprised to serious] But I wanna know why you want to kill a freaking Mermaid princess who's gonna meet the man of her dreams and become an ambassadorial liasion between the Human world and the Merworld? Why?

Saraphine: But, Wonderboy, it's not my fault! This voice in my head kept goading me into- -

Capt. Wex: Voice? [puzzled, sort of] Does this voice have a ragged, deep bass sound to it?

Saraphine: Yeah, it's more like the Immortal warrior, the Kurgan.

Then it hit me in the face like a 90-some mile an hour fastball pitch:

Capt. Wex: Kosovo, that insolent, manipulating, loathsome He-Man of a son of a bitch! If he's returned from the dead, then this must be him getting his revenge by using a woman to kill a very improtant figure to lure me into a trap!

Saraphine: So what do we do from here, Wonderboy?

Capt. Wex: First, I'll stun Ariel so that way the Sea King and his lackeys won't be alerted about this, sounds good?

Saraphine [nodding]: Yeah, sure.

So then I enter this carved-in cave of Ariel's collection of personal effects collected from an untold number of shipwrecks ranging from old pirate ships to barges to oil tankers to capsized cruiseliners. The collection itself contained personal effects ranging from old books, forks, spoons, sporks, candlesticks, artwork (mostly of photographer Jerry Uelsmann) and pieces of jewelry (like Leo Diamond engagement rings and necklaces similar to the Heart of the Ocean Diamond) to credit cards, check books, gold bars, Zippo lighters, Cuban Cohiba cigars, Winston cigarettes (and not to mention Camels too!), VCRs, Television sets, video tapes, Walkman tape players and $9,000 stereos! So I enter, Ariel jumps up (as Flounder swims away in a flash) to think that her father (the Sea King, Triton) had entered to come and destroy her stuff she's collected, well not this time! 'Cause I'm in there to warn her to stay away from the very mission I'm about to accomplish:

Ariel [scared shitless]: Daddy!

Capt. Wex [oddly unconcerned]: Nope, Ariel, I'm not your Daddy. I'm somebody whose trying to fix the past so that you don't get killed by someone trying to take your place in history.

Ariel [puzzled]: I don't understand.

Capt. Wex: You may not yet, but you will understand that by knocking you out for a few days. you'll think that this is all just a dream and that by the time you wake up you won't remember a thing.

So then I set my phaser to maximum stun.

Ariel: Yeah, it's not exactly the kind of shit you'd just forget, isn't it?

So then I point my phaser at her and get ready to knock her out:

Capt. Wex: So Ariel, one question: plants, why do they love the light?

Ariel gets puzzled until...one shot...and Ariel's down for the count. But then Flounder swims out of the cave to call for help and found Sebastian right outside of the cave. I had remained unconcerned because Sebastian was only a figurehead amongst the Sea King's lackeys and couldn't do worth a shit about it. So then I proceed to call Stan:

Capt. Wex: Yo, Stan. Come in, Stan.

Stan: Stan here, what's up, bro?

Capt. Wex: I found out why Saraphine's trying to kill Ariel.

Stan: Why?

Capt. Wex: Well, do you recall the name Kosovo?

Stan: Isn't he one of the last TimeSplitters before we wiped them out clean?

Capt. Wex: Yep, that's my logical guess. But I have a feeling that this scum bastard's back from the dead somehow and did a Cluade Rains to plot his revenge by making another girl do his dirty work by picking off a random historical female to act as a major distraction against...us, I suppose.

Stan: Well, Captain, you'd better find him soon, our lives and Ariel's life depends on it. Stan out.

Capt. Wex: Captain Wex out.

So then we cut the transmission, and I exit the cave back to Saraphine, only to notice two electric eels swimming towards us as if they were messengers for some leader or something, I don't know. But when they spoke, one of them, Flotsam, spoke like a British punk and the other one, Jetsam, spoke like either an Austrailian hooligan accent or a British one, take your pick:

Flotsam: Poor, children.

Jetsam: Poor, sweet children. They have one helluva serious problem, don't ya think, Brother?

Flotsam: Absolutely, Jetsam! If only there was something we could do!

Jetsam: But there is something.

Capt. Wex [puzzled]: Just who the hell are you guys?

Flotsam: We represent someone who can not only find this enemy of yours to stop Ariel from being killed and correct the stream of time, but can also make both of your romantic dreams come true!

Both Eels: Just imagine...

Flotsam: You and your precious Saraphine...

Both Eels: Together...forever and ever!

Capt. Wex [puzzled still]: Romantic dreams? But, I'm not even in love with her...am I? AM I?

Jetsam: We've heard that before, haven't we, dear Brother?

Flotsam: Yeah, and guess what happened when this one Merdude didn't want to admit his indire love for this one Merchica, he was balling out the Niagra Falls and tried to win her back from this one Merhunk before she moved on! So I'm telling you, Captain Wex, you're not gonna find another Merchica like this one! Trust us, we've tried! And we can tell if you're in love with her or not. Believe you me, we can!

Saraphine: So your leader has these great powers to do all that bullshit you've just said?

Flotsam: Ursula can, yes!

Capt. Wex: The Sea Witch, from the ruins of the Titanic in the North Atlantic, right? But I thought th- - Where do we sign up?

While I and Saraphine were clenching the deal with the eels (in which something was telling me that they weren't eels at all), Flounder went to talk to Sebastian about the encounter he had with me and about how I'm not really a Merdude, just some pimped-out fleshie who wants to correct the past without proper authorization for my actions:

Flounder [tearing up like Niagra Falls]: Poor Ariel, I should've stopped that mofo when I had the chance! I didn't know that he was from the future and that- -

Sebastian [empathetic]: Oh, it's alright, Flounder, you didn't mean for this to happen, it happened out of our control. It- -

Then they notice me, Saraphine, and the eels swimming by:

Sebastian: Saraphine?! Where are ya going? Saraphine, what the hell are ya doing here with this riffraff?

Saraphine: We're going to see Ursula.

Capt. Wex: Yeah, so that we can figure out why Saraphine's trying to kill Ariel.

Sebastian [gasps in horror]: NO, SARAPHINE! NO, NO, SHE'S A DEMON, SHE'S A BITCH, A MONSTER!

Capt. Wex: Yeah, why don't ya tattletale that to the friggin Sea King?

Saraphine: Yeah, I'd bet he'll get a kick out of that one!

Sebastain: But, I...[thinks for a moment]...aw, come on, Flounder!

So then we proceeded onward to the ruins of the Titanic, with the sea growing much colder as we steadily approach to Ursula's Lair where the Butaker Stateroom once was. I had a bad feeling about this, almost all of this, but I didn't want to stomach it...

Both Eels: This way [points to one of the entry ways into the Titanic].

So then we entered one of the entry ways, passing through the murky corridors and stairways that lead to the Butaker Stateroom. While we passed by, we saw these strange creatures that appear to used to be Merfolk but now look like some slug-like worm creatures. One of those creatures tried to grab Saraphine:

Saraphine [gasps]: Oh, God!

Capt. Wex: Are ya OK?

Saraphine [regathers her composure]: Yeah. I, uh...I slipped, that's all.

Then we hear an effete snobbish accent voice coming from the stateroom into the lobby (or foyer, I should say) who happened to be Ursula, the Sea Witch:

Ursula [emerging from the darkness]: Come in. Come in, my children! We mustn't lurk in doorways, it's very rude!

Capt. Wex: OK, sorry then!

[Ursula sits down in front of the huge mirror and starts to apply hair cream and makeup]

Ursula: One might question both of your upbringings. [applies hair cream] Now, Wex and Saraphine, you two are here because of a time travel problem, that both of you are from the future and that one of you is trying to kill Triton's youngest Merbimbette, Ariel while the other one is trying to find the enemy responsible for making her commit such an atrocity and bring him to justice. Not that I blame the both of you, this enemy's quite a sly little fox, isn't he? [chortles] And I also detect possible intimate feelings for each other, in more ways you can't yet realize, more than you have the guts to admit it. Well, sweethearts, the solution to this problem is quite simple. [applies lipstick, then puckers up] The only way to get what you both want is to have one of you become Human and search for this enemy on dry land. And maybe, just maybe, work on both of your feelings for each other as well.

Saraphine [puzzled]: You can arrange that?

Ursula [looks sinister for a moment, then looks unassuming]: My dear, sweet child, it's what I do! It's what I live for...to help poor unfortunate Merfolk like yourselves. Poor souls with no one, or nothing else in both of your cases, to turn to. Now, in order for this to work, I'm gonna have to ask you, dear Captain Wex, to leave and wait in the Waiting Room outside. And to make the wait more pleasent, I have cable television that gets channels like HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, MTV, and others, sounds good?

Capt. Wex: When will you be done with her?

Ursula: Soon, sweetheart, very soon.

So then I went into the Waiting Room while she went to work on Saraphine, and I sat there (while watching HBO on the TV set) wondering, could I really be in love with her? COULD I!? The provoking thought had crossed my mind deeply! It was hard to hear, but I somewhat noticed that Ursula was singing that same song that she sang to Ariel before her voice was stolen: "Poor Unfortunate Souls." Then she stops for a little interview with Saraphine about how this deal was going to go down, about how we'll find this enemy and rescue each other's heartstrings in the process:

Ursula: Now, Angelfish, here's the scoop: I'll make you a potion that'll turn you into a Human for three days. Got that? Three Days! Now, listen, darling, this is important: [she opens up her cauldron and three suns rise then set in the cauldron] Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get dear ol' Wexy [a heart and a Starfleet combadge surfaces up from the cauldron] to fall desperately in love with you. That is he's got to kiss you, right? But it's not just any kiss, it's the Kiss of True Love! [the heart in the combadge glows in harmonic vibrations] And most of all, you've got to find this cock-eyed enemy of yours responsible for making you kill Ariel in the first place within the three-day time limit. But now, if he does kiss you when you find the enemy before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain Human permanently! But if the both of you fail, you'll turn back into a Mermaid and then...[cauldron closes up]...you'll belong...to me!

Sebastian: No, Saraphine!

[Flotsam and Jetsam coil up Sebastian and Flounder before they could finish]

Ursula: Do we have ourselves a deal?

Saraphine: So if I become Human, I can do all the things I want to do and find that damn enemy as well?

Ursula: That's right! And you'll have your man along with it. [chortles a little bit] I guess life is full of surprises, isn't it? [chortles again] Oh! There is just one more thing, angelfish: we haven't even discussed the subject of payment! You can't get something like this for free you know!

Saraphine: But I don't have- -

[Ursula covers Saraphine's mouth with one of her tentacles]

Ursula: I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle! You'll never even miss this one! Now, all I want from you is...your voice.

Saraphine: My voice? My heavenly voice?

Ursula: Damn right, muffincake. No more talking, singing, zip [puckers her lips]!

Saraphine: But without my voice, how the hell can I tell him how I feel deep inside and- -

Ursula: You have your curves and edges, your perfect imperfections, your sexy face, and don't ever underestimate the importance of [shakes her booty] body language! HA!

So here I am waiting...waiting for an absolution that never comes (at least so far), that is until I patch in Stan:

Capt. Wex: Stan, come in, Stan?

Stan: Stan here. What's up? Wait a minute, I'm getting a call from Glowerhaven's Environmental Prospector, Walter Peck, hang on, OK? [patches in Walter Peck] Yes sir, what can I do for you?

Walter Peck [on speakers]: Pilot of unexplainable craft, your ship is in clear violation of the Environmental Protection Act by emanating energies that could be dangerous, please remove your craft from Glowerhaven Island or we'll have the green light to use deadly force.

Stan: Hold on, sir. I'll cooperate, just let me tell my Captain first. [patches in the Captain] Captain, we've got bad news, Walter Peck, formerly the EPA Officer from New York when the Ghostbusters first came around in the mid-'80s, is hot on my ass by having me remove the Delta Flyer from Glowerhaven Island because it's "emanating energies" that could be fatal. So what do you want me to do, Cap'?

Capt. Wex: Well, have Grimsby put an end to Walter Peck! He's a figurehead in times like this, right? Besides, Walter's only doing this is because of what's going on with me and Saraphine on this mission. So put in a call to Grimsby to fire Walter and then [transmission breaks up]

Stan: Captain? Are you there? Captain?

Peck [on speakers]: What the hell's going on?

Stan: Hold on, sir. Wex?

Capt. Wex: W- - Wait a minute, I can't hear you! I said I'm going in to rescue Saraphine, over and out.

[Capt. Wex shuts of codec and sets his phaser to maximum disruption]

And Stan thought our frequency would never be jammed...it was jammed. My theory is that the enemy that I'm looking for somehow had the power to jam our frequency...I don't know. But anyway, after setting my phaser to maximum disruption and cutting the codec transmission, I went into the room, I've seen Saraphine signing some sort of contract strictly stating that she'll give up her voice in order to be Human for three days (not to mention finding that enemy and settling our feelings for each other). But then something morbidly strange was about to happen after she signed the legally binding and completely unbreakable contract:

[Ursula opens up her cauldron and flashing lights and other kinds of magical commotion starts happening]

Ursula [chanting]: Beluga, sevruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea. [the magical lights turn a aquamarine blue] Larynxis, glossitis, et max laryngitis. La voce to me!

Then these ghostly hands started to appear from the cauldron as the lights changed from aquamarine to forest green. And then I thought: This...can't be happening to me! And it was happening to me all just the same, as my whole body numbed and was shaking (not to mention that I was breathing hard):

Ursula [wickedly]: Now, sing!

The nightmare was happening to me all just the same, Saraphine was still singing her heart out (only this time it would not be that Vanessa Carlton hit tune) with all the magical lighting surrounding us as the ghostly hands attempted to grab her voice:

Ursula [wickedly]: KEEP SINGING!

I tried to make an effort to stop the ghostly hands from grabbing her voice by telling Saraphine to get out of there:

Capt. Wex [calling out to Saraphine]: NO, SARAPHINE, STOP! STOOOOOP!

But then the ghostly hands grabbed her voice and stored it into Ursula's necklace (in which I found out it was the Nautilus-shaped storage device). And then there was more commotion happening as the lights that were flashing all around us changed from the forest green to Fort Knox gold. And she was laughing wickedly (like the Crypt Keeper or a regular witch for instance) while she was casting a spell to turn Saraphine into a Human for those three days. But I took no better chances to reverse the deal, all I could think about was setting her free from Ursula's clutches by firing my phaser:

Capt. Wex [enraged]: DAMN YOU, BITCH! YOU STOLE HER VOICE! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT WITH MY PHASER THAT'LL KNOCK YOUR PUNK-ASS DOWN!

So then I fire my phaser (on maximum disruption) and hit a piece of artwork that looked like Rose Butaker before she met Jack Dawson as Ursula moved faster than the speed of thought to avoid being hit. So then the process of turning Saraphine into a Human is complete, and I try swimming me and her up to the surface (with Sebastian and Flounder in tow):

Capt. Wex [Patching in Stan]: STAN, STAN, COME AND GET US, COME AND GET US, STAT!

Stan: You've got it, Friend.

I knew time was of the essence, I had to get her up to the surface as soon as possible before she'd die without any breath left. But then luckily, we surface up, and in no time at all, we get beamed aboard the Delta Flyer. Now me and Stan regather our composure while the Delta Flyer heads back to Glowerhaven running at 40 knots as Saraphine sleeps soundly at one of the cockpit stations (as there were no more room to put her in the Aft Section). Then Stan mixes up some sort of Earl Grey Tea remedy combined with honey and ginseng and something I can't quite put my finger on. Anyway, me and Stan were discussing the next phase of our mission:

[Stan stirs the tea mixture and then hands it to Wex]

Stan: You must have something special, Captain. That's probably why Ursula didn't make you her likely target.

Capt. Wex: What do you mean?

Stan: Oh, hell, I don't know. Maybe high blood, medicine roots.

Capt. Wex: No friggin' way, man!

Stan: OK! Then you're just one lucky little sumbitch, like the sound of that better?

Capt. Wex [sipping on tea]: Ursula didn't have a problem with me, I'm not the one she's after.

Stan: Not the one she's after?! COME ON WEX, I'VE JUST SAVED YOUR ASS!

Capt. Wex: Oh, keep your pants on, Stan, I know that! Well, look, I may have been a little bit too hasty.

[Stan smacks an issue of GQ on the coffee table]

Stan: Look, Captain, all I'm doing is looking out for what's best for you, alright? I mean, if you were First Officer yourself, wouldn't your job be by definition include the safety of the Captain?

Capt. Wex: Yeah, but I wouldn't go second-guessing Captain's judgment.

Stan [pauses for a moment]: True. But that's not the point, the point is that I feel like this mission has gone on long after it's term was supposed to expire. I've got a bad feeling about all of this!

Capt. Wex: Oh, like the bad feeling you got when I went to Nekrit Expanse?

Stan: And I was right, you didn't get the part-time job to sell off the hours aboard Voyager and you lost all of your money gambling.

Capt. Wex: Well, at least we can thank God that I wasn't in System J-25 for the terrorist attacks.

Stan: Yeah, but Captain, don't you feel like that something doesn't fit in, that something's out of place? OK, then let's...consider this...[Stan opens up a marker board and starts using a Sharpie dry erase marker] Let's say that this line represents the natural flow of time, right? And somewhere along the line, the enemy we know, Kosovo, had skewed into this tangent, creating an alternate reality for you, me, the Voyager crew, and the Delta Quadrant, but reality for everybody else. While in this tangent, what seemed to be a mission to stop a girl from altering history turns out to be some sort of "feasibility study" that acts more like a trap with us: the players, as the quarry, and the girl: Saraphine, as the bait. Catch my drift so far?

Capt. Wex: Yeah, but if she's the bait of Kosovo's trap, why don't we use the bait to our advantage and turn the tables on him?

[Stan gives a dirty look of realization on the Captain]

Capt. Wex [confused]: What?

Stan [points a finger at the Captain]: I see it now...I see why you didn't apprehend her when you had the chance!

Capt. Wex: What the hell are you talking about?

Stan [comically serious]: You're in love with her!

Capt. Wex: Yeah, so what? It's not like I'm endangering anybody with- -

Stan: No, Captain, that is bad for you, don't you see it? I mean, don't you remember what Captain Braxton said about the Romeo and Juliet Paradox Decree?

Capt. Wex: Not really, I thought he was kinda nuts!

Stan: The Romeo and Juliet Paradox Decree clearly states that if a time traveller were to fall desperately in love with someone from the past, he could either become the future family's own grandfather, or worse he could rip the fabric of the space-time continuum itself! Maybe more than likely if that were to happen, it'll be localized to our galaxy.

Capt. Wex: But what if she's not from the past? What if she's the real deal? What if then, hmm?

Stan: Look, Cap', all I'm saying is tread carefully, OK? We mustn't step on the Temporal Integrity Commission's toes, now would we?

Capt. Wex: Not to worry, Stan, this mission will be over after her and I settle our feelings for each other and find that reatrd Kosovo before time runs dry. Did you have Grimsby remove Walter Peck from Glowerhaven Island?

Stan: Yes, I did!

Capt. Wex: Good. I take it that you're gonna keep a close ear on them chronometric signatures aren't ya?

Stan: Oh, I'll start as soon as we land. What are you gonna do?

Capt. Wex: I'll bring her on the beach floor so that she can get some sun before I give her some clothes, then I check us a room at the Overlook Hotel and maybe, just maybe, get some answers.

Stan: Ah!

So then the Delta Flyer lands, and I drag her onto the beach floor as I checked us into a room at the Overlook Hotel. While I was checking us in, I noticed in one of the rooms, 237, that some creepy guy in a bear suit was doing something to some other gentleman. Whatever he was doing, I didn't wanna know! All I remember was that both the bear suit guy and the gentleman was looking at me as if they were saying What the hell are you looking at? So then I turned the other cheek and unpacked and settled into my room, for I could only imagine what Saraphine was doing when she was down at the beach getting some sun with Sebastian and Flounder arriving on shore out of breath:

Scuttle: Well, well, well, look at what the hell the catfish dragged in? [chuckles goofily while he lands on Saraphine's leg] Just look at ya, look at ya, there's something different! Wait, don't tell me, it's your hairdo, right? You've been using the dignlehopper, am I right?

[Saraphine shakes her head no, sarcastically]

Scuttle: No? OK, OK, then...uh...New Seashell Wonderbra?

[Saraphine sighs in disgust and starts to shake her leg, upon which Scuttle is on]

Scuttle: No new Seashell Wonderbra. OK. Well, I gotta admit, I can't put my foot on it right now, but if I just stand here long enough I'd- -

Sebastian [pissed, sarcastically]: SHE'S GOT LEGS, YOU DUMB-ASS! She traded her voice to the Sea Witch and received legs. Jesus Petes, mon!

Scuttle: I knew that.

Flounder: Saraphine's turned into a Human, she's gonna get crazy with the Captain, fall in love with him, and she's gon- - she's gonna kiss him after they find that enemy of their's!

Sebastian: And she's only got three days! [Saraphine falls back into the water, thus putting some sea weed into her January Ember hair and on Scuttle] Just look at her, her own legs, her own Human legs! [Gasps in horror] My God, my nerves are shot! This is quite a catastrophe! What would the Sea King say? I'll tell ya what he'd say! He'd say he's gonna kill himself a Jamaican crab, that's what he'd say! [Saraphine plucks the sea weed out of her hair as she notices Sebastian marching for home] I'm going to march me ass straight home [Saraphine picks up Sebastian in an effort to stop him from telling the Sea King] right now and tell him what I should of done that minute! [Saraphine picks up Sebastian from the water as she shakes her head "Don't do this to me, NO!"] And don't you shake your head at me, young lady! Maybe there's still time. If we could get that witch to give back your voice, then maybe you could go home with the better fish and just be...[Saraphine scowls at the notion of going back into the ocean] Uh, just be... [Sebastian scoffs] Just be a miserable little bitch for the rest of your life. [he shakes his head] Alrighty, then. I'll let ya be with the Captain.

Then she smiles as she smooches him and puts him back on the ground.

Sebastian: My God, what a softshell crab I'm turning out to be.

Scuttle: Now, I'm telling ya, if you wanna win the Captain's heart, the first thing you've gotta do is to dress like a sporty girl. Now let's see what I have here...

So then I return outside, and Saraphine is nowhere to be found. So then I look all over the beach until...

Scuttle [wolf whistles while "picturing" how good she looks]: You look sensational, kid. Drop-dead sexy!

At first glance, she looked like a cross between Sporty Spice and a hooker. But that didn't stop Prince Eric's dog, Max, from showing Eric this mystery maiden as she's was chased onto a beach rock and stood there when Eric showed up:

Prince Eric: What the hell's wrong with you, Mutt? [he looks at Saraphine] Oh. [Walks over to Saraphine] Sorry if this Mutt scared ya. He's harmless, really. I- -

Saraphine gives him a confused look, realizing that he's not me.

Prince Eric: You seem very familiar to me. Haven't I seen you on the cover of Vogue?

Capt. Wex: Get back, honky cat, this maiden's mine.

Prince Eric: Oh, sorry, sir. I'll be on my way then...

Capt. Wex: Hmm, yes, I think you should!

So then I took her to the Overlook Hotel and got her settled in.

Capt. Wex: So Saraphine, although you're without a voice, I believe we can make this work by just you writing down what you wanna say on a note pad. Isn't that the plan?

Saraphine [nods and mouths her words]: Yeah, sure.

Capt. Wex: Okey-dokey then. Now, in order for us to save our futures and Ariel's, we've gotta figure out a plan to catch Kosovo off guard and- -

Then she glares at me with those pretty dragon green eyes. I begin to think that she'd wanted to settle our feelings for each other first...

Capt. Wex: But, Saraphine, don't you wanna...find...

[Saraphine shakes her head]

Capt. Wex: Oh. OK, then. If you wanna settle our feelings for each other first, then we'll do just that. Now I've petitioned to have Capt. Picard, his First Officer, Will Riker,both Immortals Duncan and Connor MacLeod, Admiral Tug Benson, Ronald Camp of the Miami Dolphins and Simon Kress and his assisstant, Dave Stockley to join us for a state dinner here in the Overlook Hotel's Gold Room at 7:00, sounds good?

[Saraphine nods excitedly]

Then I grab out a suitcase full of dresses (how that got into my possession, beats the crap to hell out of me; I'm guessing these dresses were for Annika Hansen when she was about to throw them away, but I saved them in the nick of time). And I open them up to see what ensemble she wants to slip on:

Capt. Wex: Now, Saraphine, I'm telling ya, if you wanna win over the crowd of this A-List party, the first thing you gotta do is to dress like an A-Lister! Now, let me see, we have Vera Wang, Versace, and a whole lot of others. I'll let you look through them while I put on the last suit I'll ever wear. The one I got from Men's Wearhouse a year or two ago, that is...

So while we were getting ready for the party, Grimsby and Prince Eric have a little chat about who's all gonna be at the party:

Grimsby: So, Eric, have we filled out the guest list for tonight's little suarez?

Prince Eric: Yes, we have. And the names are: Capt. Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise-D, his First Officer William Riker, Duncan MacLeod, Connor MacLeod, Ronald Camp of the Miami Dolphins, Admiral Tug Benson, Simon Kress of Mount Parnell Research Facility, his assistant David Stockley, and then we have two newcomers Saraphine Wittle and Captain Wex Major who claims that the both of them are from the future!

Grimbsy: Oh, those kind of people...let's just see how well these newcomers do on this glorious night! For it would be a crying shame that they wouldn't be treated like royalty...

So then the party starts (down in the Gold Room, of course), with the band playing the classic 1920s (or '30s) Ray Noble Orchestra song "Midnight, the Stars and You", and Saraphine wooing the crowd with her Vera Wang dress that she picked out for this special one-time occasion:

[Saraphine sits down on the end of the table]

Grimsby: Alright then, ladies and gentlemen, let us welcome the newcomers, Saraphine and Capt. Wex to our suarez table!

[Everybody claps their hands, then they start their talking, Prince Eric starts pouring everybody's glasses with Dom Perignon 1989]

Grimbsy: Now, I'm sure we all have odysseys to tell...Capt. Picard, do you have an odyssey to tell?

Capt. Picard: I do. [sips a little bit of his Dom Perignon] It was back on Stardate 198710.14. We were on a ambassadorial mission of sorts and then we encounter this energy cloud that both injured and killed some of my crew, but it wasn't all that bad! The cloud wanted me to share information by beaming me out to the cloud and immersing myself in the cloud to, you know, share information between explorer to explorer! When I was in the cloud, I felt I walked into the Pearly Gates of Heaven itself and saw...the eyes of God!

Everybody was floored, I certainly was floored myself! And then Mr. Camp had himself a few words in:

Ronald Camp: Well, the fish I have in in my mansion are rather quite majestic that I can watch them swim all day long and be totally at peace!

Sure, I know that Mr. Camp was connected with the Miami Dolphins, but he didn't have to be weird about his fish (especially whe he wants to get his greedy little hands on endangered species and clear up the red tape as fast as it came up)! So then Duncan and Connor MacLeod say their few words in:

Grimsby: So Duncan and Connor, you two said you were Immortal, is that correct?

Connor MacLeod: Yes.

Duncan MacLeod: That's right.

Grimsby: And you two have earned the monkier "the Highlander," is that also correct?

Both Men: Yes.

Grimsby: Now let's start with Connor, how did you become...you know...Immortal?

Connor: Why does the Sun come up? Or are stars just the pinholes in the curtain of night? But I can tell ya back in 1555, I almost left Glenfinnan burnt to the ground after they burned my mother at the stake.

Grimsby: I see. Now, on to his cousin Duncan, how did you become Immortal?

Duncan: I thought I died on a battlefield in Glen Fruin, Scotland, and then a man walking from the sunlight appears to me and says: "Get up, GET UP! You have better things to do than lie on your ass!" And then I respond: "Are you a demon?" And then he says: "I've been called that, and worse!" Then he tells me that he's Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod and tells me that, like me, he has a hard time dying.

Grimsby: And so, how does this Game of yours work, this battle of Immortals?

Connor: Well, it's kinda hard to explain, somewhat! [sips his Dom Perignon] Back when Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez took me in as his apprentice, he taught me that the rules of the Game are this: First, only one Immortal can challenge another, then, the winner takes his enemy's head and received that Immortal's power and memories through a sensation called the Quickening. The safe haven for all Immortals will always be on Holy Ground, none of us will violate that law. And then when there are few of these Immortals left, they'll feel an irresistible pull to a far away land to fight for the Prize!

Grimsby: And just what exactly is this...Prize...that you Immortals crave for?

Connor: Well, for good Immortals, they can achieve mortality, get married and have children, learn what world leaders and scientists and diplomats and what other people are thinking around the world as if it were a whirlwind in one's head. And as for the evil Immortals, it would mean total enslavement of mankind and the end of life was we know it.

Grimsby: Hmm. I see. [sips his Dom Perignon] Now, Admiral Benson, you say you're running a Top Gun School in California and...wait a minute...where's your wife?

Admiral Tug Benson: My wife, why hell, I don't know, I had a lot of them. I lost my flower at the tender age of 15, I can't keep track of all of them. Hopefully I can get through this suarez, not feeling so well tonight. My intestines were removed during action in the North Atlantic, took a torpedo to the lower abdomen and they replaced every foot of my bowel with hemp, clogs easily!

Grimsby: Hope you'll feel better. Now, Simon Kress, I understand that you and your assistant are working on some sort of experiment with Martian bugs, is that correct?

Simon Kress: How the hell'd you know that? That information's highly classified!

Grimsby: Are you, or are you not?

Dave Stockley: Yes, we've been working on this M-17 Biotic project ever since the Mars Lander brought back Martian soil samples.

Simon: Yeah, and these little suckers are intelligent!

Dave: Oh, Simon, that is just conjecture, you know it as well as I do!

Grimsby: All right, all right! No need to give a cause to fight amongst ourselves, literally! Now, on to Capt. Wex and his woman, Saraphine. What brings you two here tonight?

Capt. Wex: Well, glad you've asked...[sips on his Dom Perignon] Me and Saraphine are looking for an enemy from the future we come from named Kosovo, the last of a race named the TimeSplitters. And now it's seems that we have less than three days to find this sumbitch or otherwise were all ashes and dust! And Capt. Picard, in nearly a year, you'll encounter me on your ship...

Capt. Picard: Really, how?

Capt. Wex: After serving a short-term period in Starfleet Academy, and we'll have the best four years of me being on your ship, sir!

Capt. Picard: Oh, I see. So, Mr. Grimsby, what's for supper?

[Grimsby opens up a plate cover as Sebastian quietly crawls over to Saraphine's plate]

Grimsby: Crab Flambole, and...[he notices the crab is not there] oh, dear. Anyway, Mr. Wex, tomorrow at the Glowerhaven Amphitheater, they're having Morris Day and the Time performing an impromptu concert in which proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Organization in their fight against breast cancer, doesn't that sound sweet?

Capt. Wex: Absolutely, Grimsby, that is after I take her on a tour of Glowerhaven Island!

Grimsby: Fair enough.

So then after the little suarez, we regathered our composure out at the Overlook Hotel's Courtyard. I once heard that when people dance out here, it's like sweet Summer sweat where some dance to remember and some dance to forget. But then after dancing for a little while, she went back to her room and watched me from afar. I had a gut feeling that me and her were, like, totally in love...I thought that...she could be Voyager in Human Form that the Space Coyote Nacene Caretaker prohesied for me when I first entered the Delta Quadrant years ago! Meanwhile, in that same exact room where I and her were staying at, she endures a little lecture from none other than Sebastian:

Sebastian: I hope you are enternally grateful for what I'm going through for you! [Saraphine pats Sebastian on the head] Now we've got to lay out a gameplan to get the Captain to kiss you [first, she plops herself on the bed, then tosses herself on her left side and quickly falls asleep]. Now, when he takes on that tour of Glowerhaven Island and makes go to that concert, you've got to look your best, and then you've gotta bat your eyes [he bats his eyes] like this! Then [puckers his lips] you've gotta pucker your lips like this!

Uh, did he fail to notice that she was asleep, that dufus of Jamaican dork of a pig (uh, I mean crab). So then he claps his pinchers and then the lights turn out:

Sebastian: You're hopeless, you know that? [he grows tired] Completely hopeless [yawns and falls asleep himself]!

Meanwhile, back aboard Voyager in the Present, they're waiting for the mission to be completed only on a prayer (maybe somewhat, I suppose):

Sanch: Where the hell's Wex? He should be back by now!

Annika: We've got to help them!

Sanch: No dice, Annika, we'll never make it. The batteries in these Tomographic Imaging Scanners are spent. I think they're warped!

Annika: That's what you get when you buy cheap batteries.

Sanch: Yeah, tell me about it! You try to make a saving, but it makes more sense to buy it from a reputable high streets retailer!

Annika: And not from some street corner fly-by-night with a suitcase!

Sanch: Exactly! Who knows? They maybe even stolen!

Annika: The initial price of a brand name battery is so much higher.

Sanch: I'm afraid that'll always be dear Annika, but you're paying for reliability. I personally use rechargeable batteries. I couldn't use my charger last night though, 'cause I was up playing the Wii 'till 2!

Annika: Maybe we ought to check with Reed, maybe he has a supply of name batteries like Duracell or Eveready.

Sanch: Well, you'd hope so.

Then we go into Shuggoth Beetle Geebo Thronton Reed's office on Deck 6, apparently taking a call from some dude thinking that Voyager is some kind of massage parlor, in which it's not!

Geebo Thornton Reed [Dean Learner accent]: I told you before, I don't do that kind of thing! [hangs up] Uhh...another one! As if I didn't have enough on my plate on what with this time travel Away Mission. And ever since the Captain reopened the Gates of Hell last week, there has been a boatload of fresh terror on the ship! I mean, just listen to the Answer Phone!

[Answering Machine beeps]

Answering Machine: Hello, I'm calling about arranging a massage.

[Answering Machine beeps again]

Reed: I mean, I ask you!

Then Jonas enters the room:

Jonas: Take that last bit back!

Reed: Jonas!

Both Sanch and Annika: Jonas!

Annika: What happened?

Jonas: Shit happened, sweetheart! Come on, time's running out!

Reed: What are you up to?

Jonas: I don't know yet. Slow it down to 26%, shh, listen...

[Reed rewinds the Answering Machine and slows the playback speed to 26%]

Kosovo: OK, dear Captain, playtime's over, PREPARE TO DIE!

[Answering Machine beeps]

Annika: What does it mean?

Sanch: It sounds like someone or something is after the Captain while he's on this Away Mission.

Jonas: It's Kosovo, and it's the Captain he want's, and that's what he's gonna get.

Sanch: But why him, Jonas?

Jonas: It was when he committed genocide on the TimeSplitters, he forgot about Kosovo. So Kosovo escaped into Earth's past and set a trap for our dear Captain as a small payment for his so-called "misdeeds!"

Sanch: So what are we gonna do about it?

Jonas: We'll send Homer, Cartman and Kyle in after them and fight Kosovo, man to TimeSplitter man!