Tuesday 15th December 2015

It has been 2 weeks since Leo died, Mikey was taken and I broke both my legs.

The pain in my heart hasn't faded in the slightest. If anything it got worse. I miss Leo so much, and with Mikey gone it feels as though he too were killed that night.

The nightmares haven't ceased. I wish I could get just one nights sleep without waking up and crying to Splinter or Raph. April and Casey come down everyday. They are the glue to keeping our family together. Don't get me wrong, Splinter's great, but grief is having its toll on him too.

I never really wrote about what happened when we came home that night. I couldn't, for it was the worst night of my life. Splinter and Casey had to help pull my legs until the bones were set in the right place, and considering there was at least two bones broke in each leg, it was a long and agonising process.

Let's put it this way, I screamed until I had no voice left. Literally I have to write stuff down on a little whiteboard because I almost tore my vocal cords apart.

I'm actually glad Casey was there. He more than anyone has expierence with casts and broken bones because of his background with ice hockey. He helped April and Splinter with the casts currently on my legs. And Raph, he broke his right wrist, but it was self inflicted, although I did probably add to the damage when I squeezed his hand. But hey, I was in a lot of pain, I didn't know his hand was hurt.

Through all this me and Casey have gotten closer. I never thought I'd ever be friends with Casey Jones, but he has done so much for us. He had this old wheelchair from when he was 14 and he brought it down to the lair. If it weren't for it, I'd be in bed all day, and I wouldn't be able to cope if I was.

Well I must go, April and Casey on the way and I need to go hide my journal because I'd rather no one found it.

Setting my pen down on my bedside table, I closed the brown leather book over, and threw it under my bed.

Some hiding place, but the footsteps were too close to my bedroom door to put it in a better place.

The air seemed thicker, but it was just my crying that made my breath labourbed. Whenever I wrote in that journal of mine it would bring every last detail of what happened back to me. My heart truly is broken. I can't go ten minutes without my brain replaying what happened.

I wish it would stop doing that. I wish it would stop haunting me with nightmares when I sleep. I wish I wasn't so stupid that night and looked at how high I was dumb foundedly jumping from. If only the latter was true. Then non of this would have happened.

I personally hold myself responsible for pretty much all of it. If I had jumped down the fire escape like a normal ninja, then I could have tried to get Leo back to the lair. Save him, then Mikey wouldn't have been distracted, him and Raph could have retreated, and then the worst would have been was Leo's injuries.

But no. I had to blindly jump off the building, break both my legs, watch Leo die, and almost leave myself without a functioning voice box. Well done Donatello. Well done. You ruined your family.

Fat salty tears slid down my face at the thought. I'm such a cry baby. That's all I ever do. Work myself into a state that takes the whole day to get over, just to do it all over again the next day.

I look down at my legs. Both completely straight, in what feels like two ton casts. I deteste them with a passion. I hate the fact I can't bend them. Some days I hate that wheelchair, but I'd be lost if I didn't have it.

I stretch over and grab the handles on the back, pulling it over towards my bed. Now all I need to do is manoeuver myself into it. It's not in any way easy, but I hate being so needy. Not having any independence. Getting your rear end in is no problem, but pulling these heavy casts are a nightmare.

I put the leg holders up, then grab the leg closest to the wheelchair, shakily getting it on, then the same with the other. I get myself sitting rite before grabbing the rectangular whiteboard sitting on my bedside table, along with the black marker.

"Hey Donnie." April stood in the doorway, looking in.

'Hey April.' I wrote on my whiteboard, then holding it up so she could see.

"Voice still hasn't come back yet?" She asked sadly. I wiped the board clean with my hand.

'No.' I held it up again.

"Aw, it'll come back." She said hopefully. Thing is, April predicted it would be back in one week tops, it has now been two weeks.

'I'm not so sure anymore.'

"Don't say that Donnie, of course it will!" April said, refusing to be negative.

'Its been two weeks April.' I can't help but be negative. This whole situation has been nothing but misery and grief.

"It just needs time Mr. Negative, now do you want pizza or not?" She said opening the door fully so I'd fit out of it.

'Mr Negative?'

"Just come on Donnie." She said attempting to be slightly angry but failing.

I wheeled myself out, April following after. She had to help me get down the steps to the sofas and we parked ourselves next to Casey and Raph.

"Any luck Raph?" April asked, handing me some pizza and some for herself.

"He ain't there." Raph mumbled, just loud enough for me to hear.

"Oh." April came up short with a positive answer this time. Raph had went out on a hunt for Mikey for the third time, and he still hasn't the slightest clue as to where our youngest brother is. Shredder's lair had nothing, and two other Kraang labs came up empty. We are completely in the dark.

Raph gets up and heads for the exit, looking frustrated. His broken wrist isn't helping with his annoyance. I can only imagine what he'd be like if he was like me, confined to a wheelchair and lying in bed most of the time. He'd lose his sanity altogether.

Since I can only write on a whiteboard, he'll not see my question. Thankfully Casey asks for me.

"Raph where are you goin'?"

"Out."

"I'll come too."

"No, you won't." Raph walked on without looking back, Casey getting up and following him.

I ate my slice of pizza, staring at the ground. It's so awkward. I hate when Raph tenses the whole atmosphere, but I suppose I can't blame him, if I could I'd probably storm out too.

"Casey will keep him right." April assures me, but I just nod half heartedly, remaining my stare on the ground.

...

Raphael's POV

I can't take this anymore. Where in the fuck is Mikey? It's all my God damn fault! I should have watched him! Why did I just leave him?

I jump up the fire escape and on to the building above, sprinting across it and jumping on to the next one. I've never run this fast in my life, but it sure was quick.

"Raph! Slow down.." Casey was running after me, but he was falling way behind.

"Go back to the lair Casey!" I ran on, trying to lose him so he would have to turn and go back, but my energy was gone, I have to stop and breathe. Panting, I then recognised what building we were on - the one where Mike was taken and Leo was killed.

I couldn't take it anymore. I drop to my knees, where the scream started in my lower back, pushing up into my chest and then out my throat. I felt Casey's hand on my shoulder, as the tears flooded out of my eyes without my permission. Why Mike? Why Leo?

"I can't do this anymore Casey." I hate how emotional I've become, but I can't even help it. Leo's gone, Mikey might as well be gone, and Donnie can't even speak to me!

"It's okay Raph, we'll find Mikey." Casey hugged me, but not in a cringey sort of way, a friendly comforting way.

God knows how long we sat there, but quite frankly I couldn't care less. I felt so numb as the grief tore me apart inside. Everything seemed silent, so silent that I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears, as it tapped on and on... and on.

Then I realised I wasn't really listening to my own heart beating, it was Casey's hand tapping on my shoulder and his voice seemed distant as he called my name. It all seemed dream like, and time was glitching on me. Then his scream in my ear slit came;

"RAPH!" he shook me as he yelled, finally grabbing my attention and turning me by the shoulders so I would look at something that clearly scared him.

That's when my temper flared. There, standing on the other side of the rooftop was Shredder, alone and confident while he stared us down.

"You," I spat angrily, "You're the reason Leo's dead." Was all I was able to say, as I rose to my feet, unsheathing my one sai and getting in position to fight. No way was I passing an opportunity like this. I will have my revenge for Leo.

"Raph are you mad?" Casey began pulling me by my bicep, attempting to make me retreat, but that was cowardly, I'm not leaving unless I get my revenge, one way or another.

"I'm not leaving Casey, I'm gonna kill this bastard," I growled, snapping my arm out of his grasp. "Leave if you want, but this is for Leo."

"Raph all four...t-three of you couldn't beat im' and you can only use one of your hands, this is insane c'mon!" I stared straight in to Shredder's eyes as I lifted my sai, looking down for only a sec at my broken hand, or wrist, or whatever I broke...And began cutting the cast off with my sai.

"Raph! Man seriously no!" Casey tried taking the sai out of my hand, but I shrugged him off, still staring at Shredder as the cast fell on to the rooftop, crudely cut in half from my sai. I flexed my fingers, making a fist to get it used to moving again, but man does it hurt. If I were at home I'd give in to this pain, maybe even shed a tear it's that bad, but infront of Shredder I will show no weakness.

Casey took something out of my belt, but I didn't really care. I had both my sais and unless he wanted to take my shruiken, which would be stupid even for Casey to do, I'm all set for killing this fucker infront of me.

"For Leo." I whispered, holding my sais infront of my face, staring into them deeply before glancing towards the night sky, then to the ground, squeezing my eyes shut and thinking of Leo. 'I must beat Shredder, I must beat him,' I repeated in my head, clenching my sais tighter with each chant. 'This is my best opportunity, he's came by himself, this is the best chance I'll ever get." I snapped my eyes open, charging towards the man who murdered my brother. 'He WILL pay!'

Shredder dodged my first attack easily as I followed after him swinging my sais angrily. He stuck his leg out and tripped me, laughing mockingly as I slammed on to the hard rooftop, getting a nasty cut under my chin. Gritting my teeth at his mocking laugh, I jumped to my feet, rushing towards him again, jumping up and bringing my sais down to where his neck is. He caught me mid air by both my arms, and lowered me down so I was dangling in front of his face.

"So predictable, your anger ruins you," he crushed my plastron with his knee, letting me roll on to the rough rooftop surface. I managed a hoarse groan, the wind knocked out of me. "Potential, but you've already squandered it." He simply watched me hold my plastron while my stomach muscles seized up tightly, as I curled myself in to a ball.

I tried my best to stare him out, and I could hear Casey in the distance, talking to someone. "Red get Splinter here or somethin'! He'll kill him!" Now I realise what Casey took from my belt, he took my t-phone. Which meant I only had ten minutes tops to get my revenge. Shredder was staring right back at me, so I carefully and slowly moved my hand closer to my belt, finally getting the right chance and took out a smoke bomb, throwing it at his feet.

Thought the purple smoke I hear Casey yell my name, Shredder call out in surprise, and I hastily made it to my feet in time to throw down another smoke bomb so he couldn't find his way to me. Of course I wouldn't be able to see Shredder too, but the longer he's blind the better. I can go for a stealth attack.

I shrunk back towards the rooftop edge, not too close incase Shredder got to me first, and luck seemed to be on my side. I saw him wave his way through the purple smoke angrily, fanning it with his hands. I was just about to go on for the attack, when I heard an anguished cry, immediately thinking April or Splinter had arrived.

But boy did I think wrong.

It was Casey, and his cry turned into pained yells as the smoke cleared from the roof, revealing Shredder kicking him brutally as he lay doubled over on the rooftop surface. My anger boiled, but the guilt hit me hard. All I could do was push all the emotion away, because that was weakness. I have to kill Shredder, not let him make me feel bad.

I ran and leaped on his back, ripping his helmet off and hitting his head with the butt of my sais with all the strength I had. My broken arm ached, but I just kept hitting him. Shredder tipped towards the rooftop surface, and I thought it was over. That I had won.

But my first guess was wrong...again.

He tipped towards the ground and abruptly bucked me off his back. It was so unexpected I flew off him, rolling dangerously close to the rooftop edge. I got myself stopped just before I could fall off, and got to my knees again. This was tough, but the fire hadn't went out yet.

Pulling out a couple of shruiken, I flung them in his direction. Shredder ducked out of the way, and dodged the rest. He stared at me, standing up straight again. "So much spirit, yet your blind anger slackens your skills," he paused, and I stood panting in exhaustion and anger. "Hamato Yoshi is as good a teacher as he is a coward."

Then it was white. Just like when I broke my wrist, I see nothing as I yell and sprint for him. I know I'm attacking him, but I'm blind, just then my sight comes back suddenly, and I see Shredder's now bloody face as he grabs me by the plastron, slamming me into the rooftop surface and I hear something crack.

"You fight as good as Leonardo, pathetically." Shredder spat, putting his helmet back on and limping towards me. I ignore all the pain in my body, jump to my feet a littler slower than usual, and don't even yell, I scream.

"YOU MURDERED HIM! YOU ARE THE PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT WHO HIDES BEHIND A GOD DAMN MASK!" I run for him again, throwing down my sais and jumping up and kicking him forcefully on the chest, sending him back. I let him stagger backwards a bit before running after him again and jumping to kick his stomach. I land the kick, and just as he's about to fall of the edge of the rooftop, he grabs my leg before I can get it out of his reach. Shredder falls off the building, taking me with him.

"RAPHAEL!" Splinter yells, as I just manage to see him before hitting my head of the edge of the building, falling down along with Shredder. Everything blurs, and my head begins pounding as we hit the ground, my shell definitely cracking along with my arm re-breaking on the impact.

I let out a hoarse whimper, pain shooting in all directions through me. This was it, I'm not getting my revenge tonight. But after this I definitely will find Mikey, and I will avenge Leo, if it's the last thing I do.

Then, everything goes black.

Hi! Forgive me, I'm only getting used to working this website XD It's really confusing... I'm really sorry for all the Leo lovers out there, but don't forget, nothing is impossible in Tmnt so...XD Thanks for reading, it's very much appreciated :)!