Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in getting this one posted. I really wanted the conversation between Jesse and Rachel to feel right. Thanks to northstar61 for reading the first part and giving me some great feedback. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews so far. To the reviewers, I would respond to you personally to thank you but I can't do that so... thanks. Please keep reviewing b/c it makes me extremely happy!
Sitting up in the bed, the sheet bunching at his waist, he leaned back against the headboard and looked down at Rachel. "We need to talk."
"Okay…" she replied, a little unsure. Rachel stared up at Jesse from where she lay on the bed waiting for him to tell her whatever it was that he needed to tell her.
Jesse felt himself start to panic slightly. "You know I love you, right?" Jesse asked, turning his body to face her.
"Jesse, you're starting to scare me," she said sitting up, holding the sheet around her chest.
"Right?" he insisted, grasping her hands in his.
"Yes, I know you love me and I love you," she reassured him, now even more worried about what he was going to tell her.
He breathed a sigh of relief at her words before continuing. "I screwed up, Rachel."
The pained expression on his face as he stared at her made Rachel want to reach out to him, but she stopped herself. She had a feeling that whatever it was that he was about to tell her was not going to be something that she wanted to comfort him for. "What are you talking about?" A look of utter confusion on her face.
Jesse wondered if he should try to explain before telling Rachel what happened thereby letting her imagination run wild or if he should just rip off the band-aid and explain afterwards. He decided to go with the latter. "I had sex with Isla."
It felt like someone had knocked the wind out of Rachel. She wasn't sure she had heard him right and she really didn't want to ask again because she really didn't want to hear him say those words again, but her mouth and brain weren't cooperating with each other so she asked, "What?"
"I had sex with Isla."
Nope, she had heard him right the first time. If Rachel didn't know better, she would have thought that there was someone with a vice grip on her heart by the pain she felt in her chest all of a sudden. "When?" she managed to get out.
"Last week…" Jesse trailed off, still looking her in the eyes. "After I got home from the show one night."
"How?" she asked, disbelief coloring her features. "Wait, no, I don't want to know that." After she thought about it for a moment, she decided she did want to know. "How?" she asked again.
Finally breaking eye contact, Jesse looked down and took a deep breath before looking her in the eyes again to give her the full story. "We were just lying in bed about to go to sleep when she started kissing me and I finally kissed her back. I tried to stop it at one point but she started begging and…" he knew Rachel wanted to know some things but she didn't want know every detail. "It just happened. I felt sick afterwards. I've hardly been able to sleep since that night because I feel like I've betrayed you."
She felt blood rushing through her ears as she listened to his words and all she could focus on was Augustana's "Twenty Years" playing on Jesse's iPod in the other room. Rachel felt numb even as deep down inside there was a part of her that wanted to slap him, call him a bastard and go back to New York then there was another part of her that wanted to be magnanimous about this because she was the other woman after all. What right did she have to be upset that Jesse actually did what a married man should do with his wife? Hadn't she told him that they both needed to be sure about how they felt about their current partners?
He's been telling me for weeks that he loves me so how could he even want to sleep with her? Her jealous side argued, but then the too rational part of her rebutted. We never actually said that we couldn't be intimate with Isla or Donovan so how can I be mad at him?
"Rach, please say something." He knew that a million thoughts were probably going through her head at the moment but he need to know that she didn't hate him. That she still wanted to be with him.
The two sides of her continued to wage war until the magnanimous side of her won. "She's your wife, Jesse," she replied, calmly. "I'm not naïve. You guys have been together for years. She knows how to touch you, what turns you on. It was bound to happen eventually."
Jesse couldn't stop the hurt from flashing across his face at her last statement. Apparently, he had been naïve because once he had told Rachel that he loved her, sex with Isla had been the furthest thing from his mind. "I'm sorry."
Rachel shrugged. "It happened." She didn't know what else to say. The angry, jealous part of her was still screaming deep inside of her but she pushed it down. "I just don't understand why you waited so long to tell me. You've had plenty of chances."
"I didn't want it to ruin our weekend," he offered. "And it has."
"No, it hasn't," she half-lied. Rachel knew that was partly true because she wouldn't trade these last two days with him for anything in the world, but the bubble that they had been living inside of out in the Hamptons had just burst in a spectacular fashion, bringing her crashing back to reality much sooner than she had anticipated.
Scooting over on the bed, Jesse cupped her face in his hands. "I'm sorry."
Rachel felt tears begin to sting in the back of her eyes as he looked at her, full of regret for what he had done with Isla. What he had possibly just done to his and Rachel's relationship.
"I'm sorry," he repeated. He needed her to know how much he regretted what had happened with his wife. It was kind of twisted that that was how he saw it. He knew that he should feel guilty for being with Rachel when he was married to someone else, but he just didn't. What he and Rachel shared just felt… right. He kept his eyes locked on Rachel's as he saw her eyes begin to fill with tears. "I love you."
Those three words finally broke whatever it was inside of her that she had been fighting. He still had her face firmly in his hands so she couldn't turn her head away from him, so she averted her eyes as tears slipped down her cheeks silently. Rachel felt Jesse's thumbs gently wipe each tear away as each one fell before she felt his lips on her cheeks kissing them away.
"Please don't cry," he begged, his own tears beginning to fall. "I'm so sorry." She finally looked at him as he wrapped his arms tightly around her and tentatively placed his lips on hers. Allowing him to deepen the kiss and slip his tongue in her mouth, she tasted the salt of their tears which only made more tears fall.
Breaking the kiss, Jesse slowly lay down on his side bringing Rachel, who was still in his arms, down with him. He placed a tender kiss on her forehead before she buried her face in his bare chest, soaking it with the tears that would not stop coming. "I love you, Rachel," he whispered against her hair as he stroked it soothingly. Jesse tried to stop his heart from shattering as a strangled sob escaped Rachel's lips.
Rachel had cried herself to sleep in Jesse's arms but only managed to stay that way for about an hour before she was wide awake again. Thoughts of Jesse and Isla consuming her. She couldn't stop the images from playing behind her eyelids of Jesse kissing Isla as she wrapped her legs around him while they thrust against each other.
Her eyes shot open to try and wipe the images from her mind. Jesse had rolled onto his back when he had fallen asleep, leaving only the arm that was currently under her body wrapped around her. She easily slipped out of the bed without waking him and grabbed the throw blanket off of the chair in the corner of the room before she made her way over to the bay window to stare at the waves. Rachel just watched the waves crash on the sand over and over again as she thought about how wonderful their time together had been in the Hamptons. She had fallen more in love with him than she had already been before their weekend getaway.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear Jesse stir in the bed behind her as he woke up and felt the empty space beside him. His eyes searched the darkened room only to find her standing at the large bay window, staring out at the ocean.
"Rach?"
She turned around at the sound of his voice, a small smile gracing her lips before she turned to look out the window again.
He got out of the bed, not bothering to cover his naked body as he padded over to her quietly. Wrapping his arms around her, he leaned down and placed a kiss on her neck and rested his chin in the crook of it as he too looked out at the ocean.
"I couldn't sleep," Rachel answered his unasked question.
Jesse sighed and wrapped his arms around her even tighter. "Are we okay?"
She thought about it for a moment before answering then she turned her head and looked up at him. "Yeah…" Her voice was hesitant but reassuring. Reaching up with the hand that wasn't holding the blanket securely around her, she caressed his face wanting, no, needing him to kiss her.
His mouth descended onto hers in what was supposed to be a chaste kiss, but the desire that burned inside of him for her spread like wildfire the moment their lips touched and soon his tongue was stroking Rachel's in a languid kiss that seemed to go on forever. Jesse slipped one of his hands beneath the blanket to massage Rachel's breasts as their lips remained locked together.
Rachel felt his growing hardness press against her lower back through the blanket that was still wrapped around her body. The sensation made her lean into Jesse more as they kissed each other breathless.
As they broke apart to catch their breath, Jesse kissed his way down her neck, moving the blanket off her shoulders as he placed soft kisses on her collarbone. Her breathing shallowed as the blanket fell down to the floor and her hand snaked to the back of his neck, her nails scraping along his skin.
She widened her stance and arched her back as she felt the light pressure of Jesse's hand on her abdomen urging her to do so. Rachel braced her hands on the large window in front of her, feeling Jesse's chest press into her back as he kissed and sucked on her neck. There was a part of her that wanted him to leave his mark on her so badly, and to leave her own mark on him. Damn the consequences.
"Mine," Jesse breathed against her skin as if he'd read her mind. He positioned himself just at her entrance and ran his hands back and forth across her skin smoothly. Any other night, he might have taken her roughly and they both would have collapsed into a heap on the floor, but this moment was different. He wanted her to know how much he loved her with every stroke, every caress and every kiss.
Jesse's possessiveness turned Rachel on even more. "Yours," she moaned in affirmation, pushing back on him a little in an effort to have him inside of her. The wait was pure agony.
"Yours," Jesse echoed in her ear as he pushed inside of her from behind slowly. "Always yours." His words came out as more of a growl as he pulled her body more tightly against his and they began to move in tandem.
Rachel felt like her skin was on fire and she relished the coolness of the window she was pressed up against. The sensation of him moving inside of her and his lips and hands all over any place he could reach pushed her ever closer to the edge. His lips found hers again as she craned her neck back to feverishly massage his tongue with her own.
The moment he had touched her, every other thought but thoughts of him had melted away. As they made love, no one and nothing else mattered but the two of them. Both of them tried to ignore the nagging sensation at the back of their mind that it was just temporary and that all of those other thoughts would soon come rushing back in.
Rachel gasped for air as their kiss ended, their lips bumping slightly as they quickened their pace. "Love… you," she panted against Jesse's mouth, feeling the beginnings of her orgasm. His hand slid lower on her abdomen until she felt his finger start to circle her nub. "Oh, God, Jesse…"
Jesse could feel the beginnings of her orgasm as he continued to move in and out of her at a steady pace. His tongue darted out to taste her lips. Rachel whimpered against his lips and it nearly sent him over the edge before her but he managed to maintain control over his body as he felt her legs quiver as her orgasm rocked through her body. Shockwave after shockwave continued to ripple through her as Jesse held on as long as he could before gripping her tightly to his body and thrusting into her one last time with a loud cry.
They both continued to feel the aftershocks of their coupling as Jesse pressed their bodies against the window. As he finally started to feel like he could stand on his own fully again, Jesse pulled out of Rachel and she twisted around to face him. She had never looked more beautiful than she did in that very moment. Jesse wrapped his arms around Rachel and covered her mouth with his own as he pulled her in for a deep kiss.
He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist as they made their way back over to the bed, collapsing onto it in a heap of naked limbs, mouths still fused together.
After they had made love again, Rachel finally managed to get some sleep. Unfortunately, it was only for a few short hours as her dreams were invaded by images of Jesse and Isla once again. As she looked out the window towards the water, she noticed the gloomy early morning sky. Slipping out of Jesse's arms, she padded to the bathroom and shut the door quietly.
She took a quick shower before brushing her teeth and putting on just a little makeup for her journey back to the city. Throwing on a light sweater and jeans, Rachel looked at herself in the mirror and pulled her still wet hair into a bun. She looked around the bathroom and gathered all of her toiletries, placing them in her little bag and walked into the bedroom.
Rachel fully expected Jesse to have woken up when she was taking a shower but he was still fast asleep, snoring lightly. She walked around the room as quietly as she could gathering all of her clothes and folding them back neatly before packing them into her bag. Once she'd double-checked to make sure she had everything, she took her suitcase over to the door and set it next to it then went back into the bedroom and knelt down on the floor next to Jesse's side of the bed. She watched him sleep peacefully for a moment, lightly tracing the outline of his handsome face with her fingertips.
"I love you," she whispered before placing a feather-light kiss on his forehead and standing up. Walking back into the kitchen, she found a piece of paper and wrote Jesse a note. Rachel walked back into the bedroom one last time and placed the note on the nightstand next to Jesse before she leaned down to kiss him softly again. Then she was gone.
Just like he had the night before, Jesse again woke to an empty bed. Only this time it was a couple of hours after Rachel had left. He looked around the room blearily for Rachel but found no sign of her.
"Rachel?" he called out. When she didn't answer, he jumped out of bed and ran to the window to look outside at the beach. She wasn't outside. Going into the bathroom, he looked around and saw all of her stuff was gone. Jesse began to panic as he rushed back into the bedroom to see that her suitcase was gone as well. Finally, he saw the note that she had left for him sitting next to the bed on the nightstand.
Taking it off the nightstand, Jesse walked over to the chair next to the window and collapsed into it before he read her note.
Jesse,
I decided to head back into the city. I needed some time to think about things. Figure some things out. Alone. I'm sorry. Thank you for the last couple of days. They were wonderful. I love you.
Yours always,
Rachel
Jesse buried his head in his hands as he let the note drift to the floor.
Rachel had just made it to the station in time to catch the Long Island Railroad back into New York. She gazed out the window as raindrops started falling against it, the gloomy, rainy day perfectly matching her melancholy mood.
She had lied to Jesse the night before. She hadn't meant to but that was exactly what she had done. They weren't okay even though she wanted them to be. Even though she had tried to make herself believe it. What she needed now was time. Or at least that's what she hoped she needed.
Trying to put herself in Jesse's shoes, Rachel thought about what she would have done if Donovan had tried to have sex with her one night. Would she have turned him down or would she have had sex with him? She and Donovan had always had great sexual chemistry so it wouldn't be like he couldn't pleasure her, but would she have been able to let herself go enough to actually enjoy it. She didn't know.
And that was why she couldn't be completely angry with Jesse. Because she wasn't sure that if faced with the same dilemma, the outcome wouldn't be the same as Jesse's. She liked to think that women were different when it came to such things but she'd had sex with Donovan plenty of times just because she wanted to have sex. He might as well have been a sex toy to her on those occasions because her pleasure had more to do with the sensations than the person she was with.
Rachel tried to shake those thoughts out of her mind, but knew how true they were. Never once had she ever felt that way about Jesse. The rational voice inside her head told her that it was because she and Jesse were still new and that once they had been together for years then maybe she might have those same thoughts about Jesse one day. She knew that was a lie though. He was different. He'd always been different.
Knowing that she had over an hour until she changed trains in Jamaica, she closed her eyes and hoped for some dreamless sleep. It eventually came. An hour and a half later, she woke up when the train came to a stop with a lurch at the station. Looking around at all of the other early morning commuters, Rachel felt like she was in a daze.
She followed the crowd off of the train, carrying her bag in her hand as she headed for the train to Penn Station. Looking at her watch, she hoped that the apartment would be empty. She just wanted to curl up in bed and take a nap.
Less than an hour later, Rachel walked through the door of her apartment to hear the shower running and Donovan singing in the bathroom. She strolled in the bedroom, setting her bag down on the floor at foot of the bed. "Hey!" she called out into the bathroom as she took her shoes off and lay down on the bed.
"Rachel?" his voice full of surprise. "I'll be out in just a minute."
She wanted to yell for him to take his time, but held her tongue and closed her eyes. When she heard the water shut off, she opened her eyes again and sat up. His hair was dripping with water as he walked into the bedroom in nothing but a towel. Without thought, her mind started automatically comparing him to Jesse and how he looked in the same state of undress. "You're home early," he observed with a smile, walking over to sit next to her on the bed.
"Yeah, Kurt had to be at work this morning so I just decided to come home and sleep in my own bed," she lied easily.
"I missed you," he said, leaning over to place a kiss on her lips. Rachel had thought that it was going to be just a simple peck on the lips, but it lingered and then his tongue traced her lips begging for entrance and she opened her mouth, feeling Donovan's tongue on her own, tasting his mint toothpaste.
His hand came up to cup the back of her head to hold her there as he deepened the kiss. All of a sudden he was pressing her back into the pillows as he moved on top of her, the towel around his waist slipping slightly as he settled between her legs. His kiss was so familiar as was his touch as his hand found its way under her sweater and bra. But it was all wrong as he ground himself against her center. It felt wrong.
"Donovan," she said, trying to get his attention as he pushed her sweater up her stomach and above her breast to reveal the bra underneath.
"Rachel," he groaned, grinding against her again as he pushed down one of the cups of her bra and began sucking and licking her breast.
She couldn't do this. "Donovan, please stop," she begged, unwanted tears slipping from her eyes.
Donovan's head immediately shot up at Rachel's words to see that she was crying. He had a horrified expression on his face as he looked at his fiancé. "Did I do something wrong? Are you okay?" he asked, moving off of her. He looked like he was afraid to touch her as he looked at her silently cry.
"I'm fine," she managed. "I'm just really tired is all which you know makes me emotional." She gestured to her tears and gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry."
"No, don't apologize babe," he told her. Finally, reaching out to touch her and caress her cheek softly. "Is there anything I can do?"
She shook her head no as she fixed her bra and lowered her sweater back down to cover herself.
"Alright, I'm gonna get dressed and head to rehearsals. You get some rest before the show tonight, okay?"
Rachel nodded her head and smiled at him. She watched as he got dressed and closed her eyes willing sleep to overtake her. Instead of the sleep she so longed for, she held back the tears that kept threatening to spill over until after Donovan gave her a kiss on the forehead and left the apartment.
The moment she heard the lock click in the door, she rolled over onto her side into a ball and let the tears come.
Jesse had wanted to call Rachel all day long, but she had said that she needed some time and he didn't want to push her too hard. The drive back from the Hamptons had been long and lonely. He had tried to listen to the radio but it hadn't provided the distraction that he had hoped it would. The rain hadn't done much for his mood either.
Once he had arrived home, he had been restless. He lay down to try and take a nap, but found that he couldn't fall asleep. He tried to read a book, but he couldn't concentrate. He had even tried to watch TV but his thoughts kept wandering elsewhere. Finally, he got up and walked over to the corner near the bookcase and picked up his guitar. Sitting down on the couch, he began strumming on the guitar absentmindedly as he went through his mental catalogue of songs.
Deciding on a song, he began to play in earnest, closing his eyes as he felt the music and thought of Rachel. He began the first verse of Ray LaMontagne's "Hold You In My Arms" – When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears/It was easy to see you'd been crying – singing the lyrics and melody with a soft growl in his voice. When he reached the chorus – I could hold you in my arms/I could hold you forever – he gently caressed the words and notes then his voice grew louder and his growl became more pronounced as he repeated the chorus. It was exactly what he had needed as he felt the anxiety start to melt away as he sang some of his favorite songs for the next half an hour.
When he had arrived at the theatre later that afternoon, he had hoped to see Rachel wandering the halls but she was nowhere to be found and he hadn't wanted to go knocking on her dressing room door if she still wasn't ready to talk just yet. He had dropped a bomb on her the night before and he understood that she needed time to process but not talking to her was pure agony.
A knock came at his door and he immediately jumped up to answer it in hopes that it was Rachel, but when he opened it to find Thomas he did his best to hide his disappointment.
"Well, try not to look too excited to see me or anything," Thomas teased as he walked through the doorway as Jesse motioned for him to come inside.
Jesse just rolled his eyes. "Don't try to act like you're offended," he replied with a smirk as he shut his dressing room door.
"Yeah, I could really give a shit less to be honest." Thomas plopped down unceremoniously on Jesse's couch and grinned up at his friend. "So… how was the 'getaway'?" Jesse laughed at Thomas's use of air quotations.
"Later. Tell me about Atlantic City. Did you guys have fun?"
"I'll do you one better. How about I show you?" Thomas pulled out his phone and went to the photos and found just the place to start. "Okay, so start here and just flip through."
Jesse laughed as he flipped through photo after photo of Thomas and a group of their friends. There were drunk bar pictures of course. Pictures with random women, who were apparently charmed by Thomas for some reason. "How much did you have to pay these ladies to pose with you?"
"Fuck you, St. James. Keep going."
With a chuckle, Jesse continued to flip through the pictures. The pictures at the craps tables were priceless. In one picture it was clear that all of his friends were on the winning end as they all seemed to be celebrating and then the very next picture, it looked like someone had just killed their puppy with the sad looks on each of their faces. His shoulders started shaking with silent laughter as he flipped to the very next picture and they were all celebrating again. "So did you actually win any money or did you lose it all?"
"Does this look like a face that lost money?" Thomas motioned towards his face.
Jesse thought about it for a moment. "Yes," he quipped which made Thomas crack a smile. He motioned for Jesse to continue flipping through the pictures as he got to some ones with some strippers in them. "Thom, why are there random arms and sleeves and a… foot? What the hell were you doing?"
"That's the beauty of it, Jesse. It's you." The look on Thomas's face could only be described as the cat who ate the canary.
Jesse burst out in laughter as he looked from Thomas's face and back to the pictures that he was currently looking at. "What?"
"It's you. You were supposed to be in Atlantic City so… you were," Thomas explained, gesturing to the pictures.
"Do you know that you're insane?"
"Some might say I'm resourceful. And smart. And that you should be thanking me."
"Thanking you for what?"
"For having the presence of mind when I was plastered out of my mind to remember that I should get some sort of proof that you were there with me. You know, just in case."
Jesse quirked an eyebrow at his friend. "Just in case…"
"In case Isla asks about your weekend and wants to see some pictures." Thomas snatched his phone back from Jesse and pointed at the picture on the screen. "You were there."
"She's not going to ask for pictures. It's not like she's my mom, you know," Jesse told Thomas with a chuckle and a shake of his head.
"So how was your time away with Rachel?" Thomas asked, getting serious for a moment.
Jesse couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face as he remembered all of the wonderful moments that they had shared over the last two days. "Fantastic."
"That's awesome," Thomas started then noticed Jesse's facial expression change. "But something happened."
"Things were perfect… until I told her last night that I slept with Isla last week."
"I'm sorry, you what?" The only response he got from Jesse was an irritated glare. "So are you and Isla working things out?"
"No," Jesse answered right away.
"But…" Not feeling like he really needed to finish the sentence.
"But nothing. It was just sex."
Thomas looked at him levelly. "Do you honestly believe that?"
"Yes." Jesse had a puzzled expression on his face as he looked at his friend who had gotten up from the couch. "What are you getting at?"
Thomas shrugged. "I just don't think it's as cut and dry as you seem to think it is. Sorry, man." He clapped his friend on the shoulder before heading for the door. "I'll see you out there," he said as he walked out the door and shut it behind him, leaving a dumbstruck Jesse sitting in his dressing room.
The first time Jesse had seen Rachel all day was the moment she took the stage. He tried to get her attention just like he had every night since the show had started but she looked everywhere but where she knew he'd be. It killed him.
He had known that it wouldn't effect their performance in any way because they were the kind of people that wouldn't let their personal lives effect their professional lives. In fact, he thought that they were more on that night than they had been in awhile.
After Jesse had changed into his normal clothes after the show, he had gone down to Rachel's dressing room to see if she was there but no response came when he knocked on the door. Then one of the other actors walked by and informed him that Rachel had already left for the night about ten minutes earlier. Jesse rushed outside, hoping that she would still be signing autographs but when he got outside there was no Rachel, just a couple of the other actors from the show including Thomas.
Jesse smiled as brightly as he could for pictures with the fans and signed autographs for each of them before he decided to head home. He started to type out a text message to her on the cab ride home but erased it before he could hit the send button. As the cab pulled up next to his building, his face lit up as he recognized Rachel standing on the sidewalk a little ways down from the front entrance. Jesse paid the cab driver his money and jumped out of the cab as quickly as he could, rushing over to Rachel.
"I've wanted to talk to you all day," Jesse said, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug. He felt her tentatively wrap her arms around him before they tightened around his back as she buried face in his chest, breathing him in. "What are you doing here?"
"I started to go home but when I gave the cab driver an address it was your address. I needed to see you," she told him, her voice slightly muffled by his t-shirt. "Is there somewhere we can go? We need to talk." Her words echoed through him as he remembered how he had said those very same words to her the night before. The ominous meaning behind them was not lost on him.
Author's Note: Sorry for a bit of a cliffy again guys. The chapter was just getting so long again and I wanted to save what Rachel has to say for the next chapter so I can take my time with this moment. Thanks to Kkaty for giving me the idea about Thomas coming back with parts of Jesse in pictures from the guys' weekend. That part was a hell of a lot of fun to write. The next 2 weeks are kind of busy for me seeing as I won't be around a computer at all for either of them so I'm going to try and get an update out next week if I can. I'll do my best. :)