2 Not As We
Rachel Berry knew she was considered difficult by her classmates and fellow club members, she wasn't stupid thank you very much. She was well aware of her flaws, obnoxious, loud, pushy and stubborn being among them as well as having the dress sense of a geriatric toddler according to Kurt and Quinn. And despite her status as a 'hot Jew', at least according to Puck, she knew she wasn't pretty in a popular way. She could make the most of her assets, (legs and butt) and take care of herself (nightly skin regimes) but she'd never be tall, blonde or skinny even if she had plastic surgery and enough hydrogen peroxide to bleach Atlanta into albinism.
So she was more than a little surprised when Puck came up to her a few days after his performance of the Blue October song and asked if she could help him study US history. But she'd said she would help him and she meant it. Which was how she and Puck ended up spending more time together and since Artie was still helping Puck with his classes as well she got to spend time with him too. It was nice actually, having the boys around the house. Her dads seemed to like Puck better than Finn.
Rachel could admit that there were times she also liked Puck a lot more than she did Finn. Finn was her boyfriend and she loved him, but he wasn't...the brightest bulb in the box and he never seemed to understand that his help wasn't helpful at all. He'd say something to placate her and ignore the underlying problem, or he'd make an excuse to leave when she got upset about something. And it was odd, but Finn never seemed entirely happy when he was with her. He seemed uncomfortable when she talked a lot or sang along with the radio. Even when they were alone together Finn didn't seem completely at ease. Not that she was really relaxed when she was alone with Finn. Alone with Finn tended to translate into making out and then his hands would wander and she'd have to stop him and it was really hard to enjoy kissing when she was trying to deal with an octopus.
Finn wasn't happy about all the time she was spending with Puck either. He'd spent quite a large chunk of time glaring at Puck during glee practice and she'd overheard Finn asking Puck to promise he wouldn't hit on her anymore. Finn had even asked that Puck promise not to hang out with Rachel anymore but Artie had rolled up and nixed that idea quickly, pointing out that Puck needed help with his studying and that Rachel and he were the help. Artie had also very quickly defused the tension by pointing out that he was around when they were studying and if Finn thought forty minute lectures on the importance of grammar and history were indicative of a wild passion then maybe Finn ought to join them for the book sessions.
Rachel smirked to herself in her mirror, the Puck like expression sat oddly on her face but she liked it. Finn had backed off after that, not wanting to get roped into studying with her and Puck and Artie. Her smug smile faded a bit as she brushed her hair. She liked Puck, Noah, a lot, he was incredibly kind and sweet to her and he never avoided her at school even when she wore something he'd shake his head over. He just shrugged and walked beside her anyway.
She put her brush down and picked up her phone when it chimed to alert her to an incoming text. From Puck of course, he was the only one who bothered to text her on a Friday night after the game. 'U cming 2 prty?'
Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed, she hadn't been invited to the party even though Finn was supposed to be her boyfriend. If they weren't far away from Lima it was rare Finn wanted to be seen with her in public. Finally she texted Puck back, shaking her head, 'I was unaware of the party, and am already preparing for bed. Not my thing but I hope you have fun.'
She was washing her face when Puck texted her back. Patting her face dry she plopped down on her bed to read his text, 'K cming 2 c u, feel free 2 b nked'.
Rachel laughed and looked down at her panties and cami and decided a pair of yoga pants were called for at least, 'I'm not going to be naked Noah,' She tapped out quickly, 'But you're welcome to visit'. She pulled on her yoga pants and a hoodie Puck had left behind once. It occurred to her as she trotted down the stairs to put a frozen pizza in the oven that Puck had no problem abandoning a party to hang out with her. At the beginning of the year that would have been unthinkable.
Her daddy wandered into the kitchen and one of his eyebrows rose, "Thought you were goin' to bed angel?"
"Noah texted me about a party to which I was not invited, so he's coming over to hang out with me instead," Rachel explained. "He'll probably come right from school so I know he'll be starving. He doesn't eat before a game."
"A full stomach isn't a friend when you're being tackled," LeRoy Berry explained with a smile. "If the frozen pizza isn't enough get pizza or Chinese. It isn't a school night after all," He kissed her forehead before he left the kitchen.
"Thank you Daddy," Rachel smiled after him and tilted her head to look at the oven. "Cookies, that'll be fun for Noah," She muttered to herself and began to take out ingredients. When the doorbell rang, she was nearly ready to begin.
The surprise of Sam, Artie and Noah standing on her front stoop had Rachel blinking for a full half minute, "Rache? Yo, Rachel? Earth to Rachel Berry. Rachel Barbra Berry?" Puck was waving a hand in front of her face until she blinked.
"I'm sorry I was surprised to see all of you, please come in," Rachel held the door open wider for the boys and was grateful she'd worn Puck's hoodie over her cami. "I put a frozen pizza in the oven and I was getting ready to make cookies...but Daddy said we could order more pizza or Chinese if we wanted." She shut the door and watched as Puck strode forward, immediately at home in her house. Sam seemed a little uncomfortable but after casting an uncertain glance at her followed Noah and Artie.
"Dude really?" Sam was saying uneasily when she entered the kitchen. Artie had already parked his chair near the table and was pulling out his supplies for the evening. Noah had his head stuck in the fridge and Sam was hovering in the doorway clearly not sure of his welcome.
"Noah, choose what you want and shut the door," Rachel slipped past Sam, aware that her tone was snippy. "Do you guys want more pizza or Chinese?" She checked the timer on the oven, "Pizza should be done in another ten minutes."
Puck pulled out a carton of real milk and reached into the cabinet for glasses, Rachel having broken him of the habit of drinking from the carton at least in her house. "Chinese sounds good and you'll be able to eat the vegan stuff right," He grinned when he took in what she was wearing. His number had never looked so good. "I'll call in double the usual order, you can keep Sammy from havin' a heart attack." He pulled out his phone and began dialing while Rachel turned to look at the blond boy.
"It's perfectly all right Sam," She smiled slightly. "Noah has run tame in this house since he got out of juvie and where he goes Artie follows." She gestured to a chair at the table where Artie was setting up. "Their latest project is to try and teach me poker. I'm awful."
"You're not awful," Puck contradicted her as Sam moved towards the chair. "You're...expressive."
"You're just shit at bluffing," Artie clarified. "And if helps if you think aces aren't a low card."
Rachel shrugged, "I'm fairly certain that in spite of all your attempts to give me 'street cred' and help me learn 'mad skills' I'm going to be hopelessly uncool for the rest of my high school career." She looked at the three of them, "Why aren't you at the party?"
"Eh," Puck shrugged. "Underage drinkin' is kinda against the law. My probation officer would have a litter." When she simply folded her arms and kept staring at him after pointedly looking at Sam and Artie Puck sighed, "Look, I gotta work at ten tomorrow, and stayin' up at a lame ass party with idiots like Azimio and Karofsky and the Cheeri-hos isn't exactly what I'm interested in right now."
"Artie and me really didn't feel like goin'," Sam offered quietly. "Artie can't navigate most people's houses with everyone packed in at a party and I still don't really..." He shrugged, "I don't always feel comfortable here yet. Getting drunk with people I don't know well isn't my idea of a good time."
"And I found out Finn was going and he wasn't takin' you and why would I miss a chance to hang out with my best friend?" Puck told her in a voice that meant he was done talking about it, "If he's at a party he won't show up here bitchin' 'bout us hanging out."
"Seize the opportunity?" Rachel was aware her voice was dry as she began mixing the ingredients for vegan sugar cookies. The timer buzzed on the oven and she grabbed an oven mitt to remove the pizza before she hit the temperature to adjust it for the cookies. "I ought to make all of you study algebra instead of playing poker," She teased, "Instead of rewarding you with sugar cookies."
"Your famous sugar cookies that Puck can't stop raving about?" Artie asked as he divided up the chips. "Seriously?"
"Artie I think you'll find just about everyone in Glee knows that I don't have a sense of humor that I'm aware of," Rachel retorted. "So yes, of course I'm serious."
"Yeah you don't have a sense of humor," Sam shook his head. "And I don't breathe."
"Everyone knows I take everything seriously," Rachel shook her head slyly as she began to ball up the cookie dough. "Noah, if you're just going to stand there you could either slice the pizza so you boys have an appetizer or you could help me with the cookies. But wash your hands first either way."
Puck just grinned and washed his hands before he grabbed a slicer out of the drawer and quickly cut up the pizza into little squares before setting it in the middle of the table, "Chinese should be here in another ten minutes or so." Was his only comment as he came up behind Rachel, his hands on her hips, "Did I say thanks?"
"For what?" Rachel looked up at him curiously as he rested his chin on her shoulder. "You're the one who gave up a party and came to hang out with me, in spite of my refusal to be naked."
"For lettin' me come an' hang out with you an' my boys," Puck turned his face so he was breathing in the scent of her hair and Rachel took a deep breath. She had no business feeling like her heart would stop whenever Noah was this close to her. She was with Finn.
"It is my pleasure Noah, you're my best friend," Rachel kept her voice level and friendly with every bit of skill she'd developed through more than two years of high school hell. "I should be thanking you and Sam and Artie for coming over to keep me company."
The doorbell rang then and she had an excuse to move away, "I'll get it. It's probably the Chinese."
Rachel took a deep breath and looked at Puck, "I know you don't owe me anything and I know that I was wrong to ask you to help me make Finn jealous." She forced herself to meet her friend's gaze, "It was immoral to use you like that. It wasn't fair to you, to treat you like an object, when you're the best friend I have. I'm sorry Noah. I shouldn't have done it. I wasn't thinking of anything but-" She shook her head.
Puck nodded slowly, and Rachel wasn't sure she could take the understanding in his gaze. "You were just thinking of hurting Finn the way he'd hurt you. Why do you think I stopped you Rache? I knew you'd regret what we did. I didn't want to... well I didn't want to lose my friend even if bein' with you woulda been epic."
"Thanks I think?" Rachel gave him a half smile. "I... I didn't want to lose you either Noah. I hope I haven't damaged your friendship with Finn too badly?"
"Nah, that ship sailed a long time ago," Puck shrugged. "You're...somethin' else wrong Princess?" He traced a finger down her cheek and Rachel forced her lungs to keep moving normally instead of catching her breath.
"Noah, did..." Rachel tried to keep her voice steady. "Did everyone know he'd been lying to me for months?" She wasn't sure what was more humiliating that she'd believed Finn's lies or that Santana knew all along that she'd been a fool. "Santana...hasn't ever liked me and I just-"
"Nah," Puck shook his head, "No, Santana didn't tell anyone until fairly recent...they all knew before you did but it hasn't been all year...just...I think like a week?" He sighed slightly, "I didn't know about it until then...and honestly...I kept tryin' to think a how to tell you but..." He shook his head again.
"How do you tell your friend that her boyfriend, who she's loved since sophomore year, has lied to her since before they started dating?" Rachel offered dryly, "Especially when your friend is the crazy more than slightly obsessive unreasonable Rachel Berry? Gee Noah, I can't understand why you'd hesitate."
"I'm real sorry Rache," Puck offered quietly. "I shoulda told ya before Sectionals."
"You were a little busy recruiting Lauren," Rachel shrugged. "And I'm ashamed to say that I might not have listened. Finn places such importance on fidelity and honesty that I might not have believed you that he had lied about something so important."
"Yeah," Puck shrugged a bit. "So you got a ride home?"
"I had hoped I might presume upon your good nature," Rachel smiled up at him.
"I guess, long's you sing somethin' for me when I get you home," Puck grinned at her.
"I shall endeavor to fulfill my end of the bargain," She nodded solemnly and tucked her hand into his elbow as they headed towards US History.
Rachel looked at Noah and wondered if she would always have butterflies in her stomach when she was alone with him. She knew she loved Finn, would always love Finn and it hurt so much right now that Finn was treating her like a pariah when all she'd done was kiss Noah after Finn had lied to her since sophomore year. Sometimes she wondered why Finn wanted to be with her at all. He never seemed happy when he was with her. However, whenever it felt like they were done, when she started to feel good about herself, about her life, that was when Finn wanted her back, told her he loved her, couldn't live without her.
When Finn kissed her, she felt warm and wrapped up in him. She wasn't just Rachel she was with Finn and that meant she was part of something special. She felt constantly pulled towards Finn, as if he had a magnet specific to her that she couldn't resist. He was good and kind and overwhelming but in a way that drew her as if who she was didn't matter when she was with him. But she was never at ease in his company. She never felt as if Finn didn't care if her make up was smudged or if she wasn't feeling well. She had to be worthy of being with him, he was so popular and so nice and she wasn't either of those things.
Sometimes it felt the same way with Glee club, like they only tolerated her because of her voice, and then Santana had come right out and said it, and no one but Noah contradicted her. They had no hesitation in telling her she was rude or loud or annoying or making fun of her clothing. No one stood up for her against the hockey team or the football team, except Noah. They didn't even stand up for her against Finn. And they'd all known what he'd done and hadn't told her, without the excuse Noah had of not wanting to hurt her or lose her friendship, although knowing Artie he probably would have found a way to let her know. Kurt was at Dalton and removed from all the drama and Mercedes ran so hot and cold caught between her gossipy need to know everything and her protective instincts that Rachel never knew where she stood with the black diva. None of them seemed to understand that she'd let Finn get further with her than any other boy, further than Jesse, further even than Noah and he'd been lying the whole time. At least she'd never lied about being with Noah. But honesty didn't count apparently, only that they didn't much like how she acted or looked or spoke.
With Noah, it didn't matter if she was wearing heels or yoga pants. He brought her vegan vegetable soup when she was sick and offered her rides to the pharmacy. And when she was upset his first question was if she wanted him to hit somebody. Noah made her feel safe and real. Whenever she was alone with him her stomach filled with butterflies even though she knew Noah would never do anything she didn't want. "I wasn't sure what to sing at first," She said quietly. "I...there are a lot of things I'm feeling right now...and I'm not sure where to begin."
"Ain't you the one told me begin at the beginning, go on through the middle and stop when you get to the end?" Puck's voice was amused and affectionate as he lounged on her bed, as comfortable in the bright room as he'd always been.
"Yes, I do believe that is one portion of the many pieces of advice I've dispensed to you over the years," Rachel chuckled slightly. "But you're right. So I figured out a song that said everything I needed to say...about me. Not Finn."
She put her hands on the ivory of the Seiko keyboard in her room and began to play the opening notes of the song,
"Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unkind, insane
This faint and shaky hour."
The lyrics said everything she couldn't, her fear, her loneliness, the isolation she felt when she walked down the halls of McKinley. Beginning the chorus, she gave it as much emotion as she could while keeping the words bare of elaboration, stark and elegant against the few notes of the keyboard.
"Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm pseudo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I
And not as we
Gun-shy and shivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave but still intent
Little and hardly here,"
Rachel took a deep breath before she began the chorus again and wondered how she'd get through the next weeks at school. The holidays were coming up, the school would be decorated, supposed brotherly love echoing through the halls and none of it would mean anything to those students at the bottom of the food chain. Slushies would continue, bullying and intimidation would be unceasing and Christmas would be at the center of it as it always was. Hanukah would be completely forgotten once again.
"Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
Not much making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I
And not as we
Eyes wet toward wide open fright,
If God is taking bets, I pray he wants to lose,"
She looked at Noah and saw his fierce frown as he listened to the lyrics she sang, understood that every time Finn broke up with her that she started this whole process over. The anticipation of going through it again was slowly killing her. Then…last chorus and she sang it softly, taking her fingers off the keys.
"Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I
And not as we..."
Shakily Rachel forced a smile to her face, "So, worth the trip?"
"Damn," Puck nodded slowly. "You oughta sing that for Glee. It ain't your usual Rache and they need to see you aren't just...big diva numbers, you can do the slow aching stuff. I mean... that's just... uh...melancholy? Poignant, that's the word. It ain't flashy but without your voice..." He shook his head. "You really oughta sing that for Glee."
"If I did they'd all assume it was to get Finn back," Rachel shook her head. "I'm not even sure we're over...he hasn't said. Therefore, I'm in Limbo. I'll try to get him to talk to me...to...I don't know, decide something so I know what to expect."
"That's actually a good idea," Puck nodded. "I mean at least then you'd know right?"
Rachel nodded and sat down in the chair before her vanity, her hands idly moving some of the brushes around in their little holder. "Do you ever wish that Mr. Schue would let us sing Hanukah songs along with the Christmas songs?"
"Sometimes yeah," Puck nodded accepting the change in subject. "I mean we'd rock some of the old songs in Hebrew."
"Maybe we could do Honerot Halalu for Glee," Rachel smiled. "Give them a Hanukah gift."
"Yeah, that'd be cool," Puck grinned.
Puck looked down at the ring in his hand and smiled slightly before tucking it in his front pocket. He'd had to save his money since last year but he'd managed to buy it. As these things went it wasn't a big deal to anyone but him, still he was glad he'd managed it. He'd have to put it away when he got home, somewhere Bekah couldn't find it and play dress up. His grin faded as he remembered why he was waiting in the choir room for Mr. Schuester. Then the man himself walked in and nodded, "Puck, I don't have a lot of time until my next class and I'm pretty sure you should be in your government class, so what can I do for you?"
Puck looked at Mr. Schue and idly stroked his hands over the strings of his guitar, "So you remember when pretty much everybody in Glee 'sides me an' Artie told Rachel they only tolerated her because she was talented?" He started the conversation out bluntly.
"I beg your pardon Puck?" Schuester seemed a little confused and Puck wondered where the man's brain was half the time. He'd been pretty okay for a little while after Puck had gotten out of juvie, letting Puck turn in his work after the due dates with a minimal reduction of his grades. Between listening to Santana curse and Rachel's tutoring he wasn't too bad at Spanish these days. But these days... once everything had hit the fan about Finn and Santana and it had come out that he'd made out with Rachel when she was upset with Finn, Schuester hadn't had much time or interest in Puck. He hadn't given Rachel much consideration either.
"Before you read everybody the riot act an' told 'em to nut up and shut up, Santana told Rache that nobody in the club liked her and the only reason she was still in glee and they hadn't kicked her out was that she was talented," Puck told his teacher. "Which I figure ain't exactly untrue 'cept for me an' Artie 'an maybe Sam 'cept Sam weren't payin' much attention." He shook his head, "Well I said I liked her, an' Artie tried to object but my boy ain't really loud."
"I see," Puck tilted his head, as Mr. Schuester's attention seemed to wander though the teacher's eyes remained on his student. "Where's this leading Puck?"
"She gave up singing her song when we got back because the entire club made her feel like fuckin' crap an' you didn't do anything about it," Puck told him, aware that his tone was more than bordering on insolent. "But she's got somethin' you ain't ever heard her sing, an' I want you to let her sing it today."
"Why Puck?" Mr. Schuester seemed more than a little irritated, "If Rachel wants to sing she usually doesn't have any problem saying so."
"Because what she's gonna sing ain't her normal thing," Puck retorted. "I talked her into it. It ain't Broadway or Barbra or Celine. It's different."
"All...right," Mr. Schuester seemed more than a little confused but was at least halfway willing to go with it. "I'll get everyone into the auditorium when it's time for glee to start."
"Cool," Puck nodded. "Brad don't gotta play or anythin', Rachel's got the piano covered."
Puck listened as the club filed into the auditorium, half of them grumbling, the other half confused about why they were bothering. Artie wheeled his way up to Puck and looked at him, "Dude, you all right?" He frowned a bit, "You seem a little pissed."
"More'n a little," Puck admitted. "Gonna hit the gym after glee, beat the hell outa a few sandbags work it off." He looked at Artie, "Why didn't ya say anythin' when Santana spouted her bullshit?"
"Hell man," Artie sighed, "I barely heard her, too busy tryin' to make things right with Brit ya know?" He shook his head, "I doubt Mike even noticed, he was fixated on Tina."
"An' all a you guys are scared shitless of Santana or any chick throwin' a fit, 'less it's Rache," Puck said shrewdly. "So ya'll just let Rachel get screwed an' ya say nothin'."
"You said something," Artie said quietly. "I could see Sam, openin' his mouth, tryin' to figure out what to say."
"Yeah," Puck slouched back in his seat as Rachel came out on the stage and sat behind the piano without ceremony. The lights came down and everyone quieted, regardless of how they felt about Rachel, at least they respected music.
The bare notes of the piano quivered through the air, and Rachel's voice followed, poignant, and aching. Puck took a deep breath and looked at the rest of the club. Finn looked almost constipated he seemed so uncomfortable. Mercedes was frowning, though the music was working on her, the power and emotion in Rachel's voice without any fanfare or theatricality. Quinn was sitting next to Sam, her face thoughtful, while Sam just looked sad. Puck liked that about the second quarterback, he always let the music wash over him, ignoring whoever was singing and just listening. Mike and Tina were sitting hand in hand, Tina had an oddly thoughtful look on her face, Puck was willing to bet she recognized the song, while Mike was concentrating on the music. Santana was frowning and looked irked and interested simultaneously. Artie and Brit were sitting nearby, Artie had the same considering look as Tina and Brit, like Sam, looked unbearably sad.
Mr. Schuester looked a little impatient but thoughtful, as if he was trying to figure something out. Unfortunately, it was a toss-up as to whether or not he was thinking about Glee or Ms. Pillsbury. Puck shook his head and gave himself up to listening. The bridge was echoing through the air and Rachel started on the final repeat of the chorus. Her voice was like the sweetest melancholy ache, weeping through the air.
"Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I
And not as we..."
Puck listened as the last note drifted over the stage, Rachel's voice fading out sweetly a moment before the piano melted away. She stood when she was done, looked at him with a brief smile and nodded at the rest of the club before she left the stage and moved to sit beside him, her complete absence of stagecraft more eloquent than a bow of curtsey. She was halfway down the stairs before the club reacted in a flurry of exclamations and surprise.
"Rache why didn't you tell us you'd be singing?" Mike called from the back of the group.
Puck looked down at Rachel and she shook her head quietly, "Noah, please." She murmured, "I really can't talk right now."
Puck nodded his understanding and turned to look at Mike, "I had to talk her into it." He explained quietly. "It weren't meant for alla you really."
"Then why sing?" Mercedes wanted to know.
"It was great," Tina broke in, "Reminded me of Morisette but still you, nice and simple...just your voice."
Rachel patted his hand and sighed, "I've got to go, I have dance today," She said quietly. "Thanks for listening."
Puck nodded, "Get changed I'll give ya a ride over, come get ya after I'm done with the gym." He suggested and was rewarded with another small smile.
"Where's Rachel going?" Brittany asked curiously. "I wanted her to sing My Headband."
Puck grinned and shook his head, "She's got dance class in a bit." He stood, "I talked her into singing for ya so you'd realize that Rache ain't all just show tunes and flamboyance or whatever." Puck felt his grin slide off his face as he looked at the club who'd pretty much made his best friend feel worthless. "Because if ya only 'tolerate her 'cause she's talented' then I wanted ya to see just how talented she is. And if she ever leaves ya'll are fucked 'cause I'll go too." He picked up his bag and nodded to Artie, striding past Mr. Schue who hadn't bothered to say a word. "See if I fuckin' bother tryin' with all ya'll again. Selfish mother fuckers."
TBC
Author's Note: So we have Rachel's POV and I hope you like how I'm writing her. She's not as easy for me as Puck but I like the challenge, still this story will probably be a more Puck-centric POV than Rachels.
Song credit goes to Alanis Morissette 'Not As We' which I first heard on the House episode '97 Seconds'.