Title: The Artist In The Ambulance
Summary: Every once in a while it takes the realization of how fragile life truly is to help keep things in perspective. Takes place roughly two years after Ryan and Alexis get married. The title refers to the song The Artist In The Ambulance by Thrice.
Genre: Friendship/Hurt/Comfort
Characters: Ryan, Alexis, Esposito
"Yeah I got it," Esposito said into his cell before snapping it shut and tossing it in between the seats. He made a quick u-turn and looked over to his partner who was unusually quiet today. "Beckett said we need to come back to the precinct." Ryan only nodded. After being partners for the past ten years he was completely in-tuned to Ryan's moods and body language and today, even though he hadn't said a word, he clearly wanted to talk about something that was bothering him. He kept fidgeting and the frequent sighs were getting to the point that Esposito couldn't even reach fifty in his head before another would fill the car. "You ok?" he asked after the silence started to become uncomfortable.
"Yeah."
The silence continued to fill the car until the shrill ring of a cell phone shattered it. Ryan pulled out his phone and huffed in annoyance at the display before holding it up to his ear. "Hello," he answered.
Esposito tuned out the conversation to try to give him some semblance of privacy but as his partner's voice got louder and his words became more halted he chanced a glance. Ryan looked exhausted, something he hadn't noticed until this second for some reason and beyond aggravated.
"No I didn't…. you think I don't know that?... you know what, I can't do this right now. I love you goodbye." After hanging up he clenched the phone in his hand and jerked his fist as if wanting to throw it before he dropped it into the cup holder and rubbed his hands up and down his face.
"Everything uh… ok?" Esposito ventured after watching Ryan silently fume for the last mile.
He offered a shrug before leaning his head back against the seat and staring out the window dejectedly. "No, not really," he finally whispered.
After turning down the radio he nudged him slightly, "What's up?"
"I don't even know," he groaned. "Alexis and I are just going through a really rough patch. Everything just started so well and lately it's just… sucked. I don't even know how to fix it because I don't know what's wrong. We argue all the time."
Esposito flipped on his blinker and merged into a turn lane before waving his hand dismissively. "It'll get better, I mean it only got hard recently."
Ryan snorted, "If by recently you mean the last three months. I can't even talk to her, I dread when she calls, and we haven't had sex in months. I mean I've had dry spells but this is ridiculous. Then she keeps telling me I'm not doing my part with the kids, that I'm getting lazy. She even insinuated that I don't care about them. I do everything for those two, and for Alexis. There isn't one thing I do for selfish reasons. Nothing. I'm working almost sixty to eighty hours a week, what more does she want from me?"
His hands tightened on the steering wheel and he shook his head as he blew out a slow breath, "Wow. I didn't realize this had been going on that long. You're not thinking about a divorce are you?"
"No," he said instantly. "I don't believe in it. If she was worth marrying she's worth fighting for but I'm just tired bro. I don't know how to fix it and it's just getting worse. Honestly the reason I'm working so much is I don't even really want to go home at night."
"Huh." He wished he could say more, offer some good advice but he had nothing. It was always the other way around when they spoke, Ryan offering him advice about relationships. "Well you know if I can help or anything just let me know."
"I know bro," he said easily before grabbing his phone and fiddling with it, effectively ending the conversation.
With a weary sigh Esposito shook his head and accelerated towards the precinct. Without warning the car suddenly jerked violently to the left, the sound of screeching tires and twisting metal reaching his ears. Broken shards of glass pelted his skin and an immense pressure pushed at his chest preventing him from pulling in a breath. It felt like hours, like this terrible whirlwind would never end but in reality it was only a few seconds later that the car came to a stop. His heart was pounding so fast that everything around him seemed dull and quiet, the sound of blood rushing through his ears preventing him from hearing anything. Once his eyes snapped open his fight or flight response kicked in and he immediately began looking around trying to get his bearings. They had been in a car accident, a freaking car accident. Someone had t-boned them, but his light had been green so it couldn't be his fault. Right? He shook his head forcing the thought away, that wasn't important right now. What was important was the fact that he seemed just fine save for an overall soreness and some stiffness in his neck. What was important was the fact that whoever had wrecked into them had hit the passenger side where Kevin was sitting. What was important was the fact that Ryan didn't seem to be awake.
"Ry? Ryan. Wake up bro. Kevin!" he commanded harshly. He couldn't tell if he was breathing or not as he hung limply in the seat, his locked seatbelt the only thing keeping him upright. Thank God Ryan was a safety nut and always insisted they both wear their seatbelt because, 'On average there are 18,808 accidents every single day in the United States Javi. That's why you have to buckle up'. The encyclopedia of random information had struck again and thank goodness he usually listened to him.
"Kevin wake up bro. Please," he pleaded as he tried to wrestle himself out of his seatbelt. His mind couldn't even go to the idea that he might be dead because that was impossible. Ryan was going to live forever, or at least as long as he did. They'd go out like Thelma & Louise, together 'til the end. Or at least that had been the promise one night after one too many beers.
"Ugh."
It wasn't much but he breathed a huge sigh of relief when his partner stirred slightly and groggily lifted his head.
"Javi? The 'ell happened?" Ryan mumbled as he tried to look around.
His attention was torn away from him when a man approached the car and jerked open the door. "An ambulance is on it's way, let's get you out of here. How's your passenger?"
He felt himself being pulled but he jerked away and pushed the man back, "I ain't getting out of this car until he does." Ignoring the flustered man he looked back at Ryan who looked dazed and confused. Noticing some blood on the back of his neck he carefully grabbed his face and turned him slightly where he could see a gash in his hair on his right side where his head must have hit the window. Protectiveness, the special kind he only carried for his partner and Lanie, reared up and he finally freed himself from his seatbelt and grabbed his best friend. "Come on, I'm going to help you scoot over ok?"
Ryan just nodded but when Esposito tried to pull him he cried out in pain and pulled back with a whimper. "Don't touch me, don't move me."
"Where's it hurt Ry? Talk to me," he instructed as he tried to look around for what was wrong. His arms seemed to be free and nothing was touching his torso, legs seemed to be fine but… "Joder," he spat when he realized that Ryan's right foot was stuck amongst the twisted metal under the dash. Forcing down the headache that was getting steadily worse he twisted and dropped his head down to try to see if he could wiggle it out, unfortunately he couldn't see anything and he didn't dare move him for fear of hurting him more than he already was. Pulling himself back up he sat in the drivers seat and looked at his partner. "Keep your eyes open, we'll get you out of here soon. How's Erin?"
A ghost of a smile flickered across his lips, "Adorable. Now that she's walking she walks around the apartment in little plastic heels with a purse. She's such a little girl."
Despite the situation Esposito smiled. "I can't believe how big she is already. Last time I was there Dev called me tío Javi then Erin says, 'ti ti'. I'm Uncle Ti Ti now. Just call me Detective Ti Ti."
Ryan let out a soft huff of laughter and lifted his hands and placed them on the crumpled dash before leaning his head on his crossed arms. "Hurts Javi."
He knew that it must be getting to the point of unbearable if he was voicing his pain; Ryan wasn't one to ever complain. The sound of sirens met his ears and he gently placed his hand on his shoulder, "They're here. Any second now you'll be out buddy."
"Good," he sighed as he let his eyes slide closed. When he opened them again he was in a sterile white room feeling extremely relaxed. His eyes drifted over to a lone figure standing by the window staring outside at the skyline which was growing steadily darker. "Lex?"
His wife quickly turned and smiled in relief before walking over and grabbing his hand. "Hey, how're you feeling?"
He took a quick mental note of his extremities and after determining everything was still there he offered a tired smile, "Not bad." When he saw tears beginning to gather in her green eyes he squeezed her hand, "Don't cry. What's wrong?"
She shook her head and let out a harsh breath through her nose. "When dad called I was so scared and it hit me that if you died today, I never told you I loved you. You made a point to tell me even though we were arguing and I never said it back and the more I thought about it the more I realized that everything we argue about is so stupid. I'm so stupid."
"No," he argued lightly. "We're just not working together well for some reason."
"I'm taking you for granted," she said quietly. "I know you work then I expect you to come home and take care of the kids and help with dinner and everything else. You're not bionic but I seem to think you are for some reason, I'm sorry for that."
He met her eyes and just stared for a few seconds before nodding, "Thank you but it's on me too. I know you need a break after being with Erin all day and helping Dev with homework and everything and I have slacked off in my duties lately. I'll try harder ok and from now on let's try to keep sight of the big picture. We're all alive and healthy and there's not really too much more we could ask for."
She flashed him a watery smile, "So we're good again?"
"We're good again," he said with a tiny grin. "So what happened? I know we got hit on our way to the precinct." Guilt flashed in his blue eyes as a horrified expression covered his face. "Oh God, how's Javi?"
"Esposito's fine," she said instantly to alleviate his worry. "His back got compressed or something like that so he's pretty sore but other than some scratches and bruises he's just fine. You got out lucky too, only a cut on your head and a broken ankle."
He sent up a silent prayer that his guardian angel had been watching over him and his partner before staring down at his casted foot. "So what'd they say about the ankle?"
She leaned back and yawned once before answering. "It was a clean break so they only had to put in a couple pins, they said it should heal quickly."
He pulled on her hand slightly and when she was close enough he grabbed her into a hug and kissed her softly. "I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything."
"Me too."
Four weeks later Ryan approached Beckett's desk and waited patiently as he tried to balance himself on his crutches while clutching a file. The papers were tugged from his grasp and he turned to glare at his partner, "I can do that just fine by myself." It was starting to aggravate him how much Esposito was mothering him, it's not like he couldn't handle himself. The captain had thankfully allowed him to come back to work since he was going stir crazy but he was stuck on desk duty for the next two and a half weeks. He wasn't sure if it was much better than just sitting at home.
"You almost fell over," Esposito snapped back.
Before an argument could break out Beckett hung up and grabbed the file. "Thanks Ryan. Castle and I are going to go check this out." As soon as the pair left Ryan made his way back to his desk and laid his crutches down on the floor, his narrowed eyes trained on Esposito the entire time.
"What's your problem?" he bit out once he was seated.
Javier's eyebrows shot up. "My problem? You're the one that's being an asshole to anyone that helps you."
"No," he argued. "Only you because you won't even let me walk across the freaking bullpen without trying to carry me. I'm fine."
Instead of firing off an angry retort Esposito sucked in a deep calming breath and counted to ten. "I just don't want you to get hurt again."
"I won't," Ryan argued. "Stop bugging me so much."
"How can I not?" he snapped. "You get tortured, and shot, and in a car accident. You're a disaster."
Understanding hit him full force when he noticed his partner's avoidance of eye contact and the slight tremble in his voice. "You think that's all your fault. Javi, you didn't cause any of that and there's nothing you could have done to stop it."
Embarrassed that he had been found out he held onto his anger and crossed his arms. "Because of what I said you almost lost a kneecap, because I couldn't keep track of my partner you got shot, and because I wasn't paying attention in the car you broke your ankle. How is none of that my fault?"
Ryan just looked at him with sad eyes. "You've got to let all that go bro, it's not good to hang onto that guilt. It was Lockwood that tortured us both, not just me. It was Wayne that shot me, and it would have happened had you been there or not and the accident was because that stupid kid was texting and ran the light. You're my partner Javi, 'til the wheel fall off, and you're always there when it counts. I'm thirty-four bro, time to let me grow up," he finished with a grin.
Esposito knew he was right but that didn't mean he had to let Ryan know it. It was his job to protect Ryan, to keep him safe and in one piece. It didn't matter that he was getting older, it didn't matter he was an adult, all the mattered was that as long as his heart was beating he was going to protect Ryan. Yes his protectiveness bordered on unhealthy but he had accepted that years ago and if he hadn't backed off by now he sure wasn't going to in the future. "Whatever bro, I'm getting a coffee."
To anyone else the words could be taken offensively and as a dismissal but to Kevin he knew that Esposito had received the message and even though he doubted anything would change he at least hoped he wouldn't carry around so much guilt. Without a word he held up his empty cup and hid a smile when it was snatched out of his hands with a small grumble.