Chapter Three
Nikki and Juice had spent three weeks in that crappy motel room, and by the end of it the two had been stir crazy. It was better though, than being locked up in a mental ward when you had all your mental capabilities about you. That was truly the hardest thing, surrounded by people who were truly out of their minds, but together they made it through, and were now making it work.
For the first time in his life Juice had a clear picture of a "normal" life. He could picture himself sitting in a house somewhere, Nikki by his side, they would be married, maybe even have a child or two. They would have their family dog. There would be no more club, no more killing, no more drug dealing, no more prison, no more being stepped on just because. He could really be free, but what about money, what about Chibs and Happy? What about SAMCRO? Who would he be without his kutte? Could he be normal? Could he earn straight? Could he provide for Nikki the way the rest of the guys did for their old ladies, because the club was the only way of life he knew. He had never held down a real job. In fact until he started prospecting with the Sons he hadn't had a job. He made his money by stealing and selling. The real money was with SAMCRO, so could he really change? Who was he without the club? He had no other identity. And the most important, would he be accepted back, or would he be killed?
Nikki had asked him, "What's wrong?" He couldn't keep his past a secret, not when he wore the heart of SAMCRO on his sleeve, Kutte or no Kutte. He sighed, tired of lying, tired of hiding. If this relationship was going to work, he had to be honest, and that alone most likely will send her packing.
"I don't want any secrets between us." Juice said, his eyes tearing up as he spoke those words, this was it.
"What do you mean?" Nikki asked, her face crinkled up trying to make sense of the words Juice spoke. If he didn't want any secrets between them, that means he already has them and wants to clear the air. Then it occurred to her that he knew everything about her, but the only thing that she knew was that he was half Puerto Rican from Queens who moved to California at the age of eighteen, and lived off of money from investments that he owned part of, and the only reason he ended up in CITYY was because of an attempted suicide. The topic was always too sensitive to talk about, he would always tell her, "Give me time, I'll tell you one day, just not today." Nikki was always fine with that, now she was wondering if he was ready to talk about it.
"I don't want to keep secrets between us." Juice said again, "Before I tell you, just know that I didn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, I just didn't know how."
"You're starting to scare me, Carlos." Nikki was sitting curled up in one of the chairs at the small round table. Juice took a step towards her, cupping her face, "Please, don't be scared." Juice then sat at the edge of the bed directly across from Nikki.
Juice rubbed his hands nervously over his legs, and took a deep breath before starting. "When I came to California, when I was eighteen, I was young and dumb, and in need of quick cash. I didn't know anything except computers and motorcycles; those were the only two things I was ever good at. I heard about. I had seen a group of bikers around Charming. They always seemed like a good group, never really caused any trouble, and the Chief of police seemed to be on good terms with them.
One day I was just out for a ride, and I came across Teller-Morrow automotive repair. I pulled in, and started talking with the club owner. Before I knew it I was Prospecting for SAMCRO. I patched in a year later, and worked mainly on the computers, getting information for the club when they needed it, and also helped them with their repo when they got the calls in.
Things were fine, the money was rolling in. Most of the profit we made was from selling illegal guns. There were never any problems, until the following year. I don't know how it happened, things just got out of hand, and everything went to shit. We got into selling drugs, the money was good.
One day the cops picked me up to take a random drug test. After that they just kept hounding me, picking me up randomly. They started threatening me, telling me that they would tell the club about my dad. That's another thing I didn't tell you, I'm half black."
"That's not bad, Carlos, what's wrong with that?" Nikki questioned, she could see the hurtful look on his face, and the strain in his eyes, it pained her to see him that way.
"No blacks allowed in the club. ATF got involved, asked me to get a sample of the drugs we were selling. I never wanted anyone to get hurt." Juice paused for a moment, trying to push the tears away, but just like before, they had a mind of their own, and spilled onto his cheeks.
"It's ok baby." Nikki said, moving over to the bed, and wrapped her arms around him. She kissed his temple, and tried to calm him down the best she could.
"I took a block, and hid it in the woods. I was going to get it later, and take some, then put it back before the guys could notice it, but it all happened so fast, and I couldn't get it back in time. Our President, the same guy who got us into this mess, started questioning the prospects. I came up with a better plan. All they had to do was go look for it. I was going to put it back. But Miles caught me with it, he had me at gun point. He was going to bring me back to the table, they would have killed me. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to kill anyone. I didn't want anyone to get hurt, because of me, because of ATF." Juice gasped for a breath, sobbing uncontrollably now.
"I threw the block at him, I was going to run, it all happened so fast. He shot me in my leg. We started fighting, I shot him, killed him. Set it up so it looked like he took the drugs." Juice stopped again, waiting for Nikki's reaction. He could tell she was trying to make sense of it all.
"That's the reason you tried to kill yourself?" Nikki whispered. Juice nodded, "I took a chain, tried to hang myself in the tree, next to where Miles was buried. The branch broke, and I fell. I passed out, and when I woke up, one of the guys, Chibs, was my best friend, was looking for me. He found me, helped me, but I couldn't keep what I did to Miles a secret. I told him everything. Around that time we had a new president, Clay's stepson, Jax.
Chibs told Jax what happened, he wasn't okay with what happened, but they accepted it. Chibs was watching me, making sure I didn't fuck up.
Jax was trying to get us out of guns and drugs, and was doing good with that. Then one day there was a shooting at a Catholic school for kids. The gun that was used was one of ours. The kid got a hold of it, and shot up the school. The kids mom was devastated, she lost her son, but she also had the blood of all those lives on her hands as well. She was a junkie.
She wanted to rat, Jax had her tied to the bed to keep her in the house and keep her quiet.
Jax told me that I had to kill her, and if I did I'd be good with him and the club. It was only between us. He put that on me. He handed me some drugs for her, I injected them into her arm. Then I put the pillow over her head, until she stopped struggling."
Nikki moved away from Juice, backed up against the wall, she was crying now too. Seeing her like that caused Juice physical pain, he tried crawling to her, but that made Nikki curl up against the wall even more. "Don't touch me!" She cried, "Don't come near me." That stopped Juice in his tracks, and he fell backwards, as if her words had pushed him back. He couldn't breathe.
"I would never hurt you. I love you, I wouldn't do that. That isn't me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
They were both crying now, after a few minutes, Juice opened his mouth to finish.
"I had kept that secret for a long time, I couldn't let anyone know. The guys were tired of seeing me depressed, so Bobby handed me some of his Oxy, told me to go to Diosa and get laid.
Before I left I took a few pills. Took some more when I got there, I started feeling funny. I lost count of how many I took, and I just wanted the pain to stop, so I took more. I was getting a massage, when I overdosed. Gemma, Jax's mom and Nero, the owner of Diosa, the two of them are also dating, forced me to throw up the pills. Nero stayed with me, got me up and walking around. I could hardly understand what was going on around me. I thought I had told him about Darvany, what I did to her. I wasn't supposed to … it just all came out.
Jax found out somehow. I was going for a run a few weeks later, and he hugged me goodbye, and told me that I had betrayed him.
I knew then I had to get away. I couldn't stay there because Jax was going to have me killed."
"You killed people, Carlos. How do you think I should feel about that? My whole family was murdered, I was almost killed."
The tears between the two hadn't stopped, didn't even ease up. Juice was reliving the pain that he had caused so many people. He had never gotten over what he had done, not to Miles or Darvany.
"I know baby, I know, and it's killing me. I didn't want to live anymore because of what I've done. You changed that for me. I'm not a bad person, I'm just fucked up. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please baby, don't … I wouldn't never hurt you. I love you too much."
I hope these chapters aren't too confusing. They do drift between past and present.
Also have a special treat for you lovelies in the next chapter, if I get at least 5 reviews today I will post the next chapter tomorrow morning. R&R, let me know if you think Nikki should forgive Juice.