8 What I've Done/Iridescent
He knows he has a temper. He knows generally how to control it, how to keep that red from dropping over his eyes and beating on the nearest person his size until it goes away. Puck knows that when he's this angry he's better off ditching a class than decking the teacher. And he's had a word or two with his teachers regarding that, most have agreed that as long as he makes an attempt to come to class or at least try to let them know where he is that he can make up whatever work he misses. So he's currently beating the hell out of a hanging sandbag in the school's weight room and after that he'll exhaust himself with reps until he's too tired to be pissed.
And all because Rachel had been in the choir room with Finn early that morning, singing something to him. The look on Finn's face still made Puck want to beat the hell out of him. The worst thing was that Rachel hadn't had any intention of singing for Finn when they'd talked last night. She'd decided she wanted to stay away from the quarterback unless it was for glee weeks ago. And now this. Damn it he was so fucking pissed at her for not sticking to her guns. He felt skin split under his tapped knuckles and cursed again.
"Puckerman, you all right?" Coach Beiste was pretty decent, usually he'd be happy to waste time with her, shooting the shit.
"Just pissed Coach, tryin' to work off the mad," Puck grunted out the words. "Got red in my eyes an' I can't get rid of it."
"What set you off?" Coach Beiste came and held the bag for him, her sturdy body keeping it from moving too much, helping him wear the mad down.
"Rachel was singin' ta Finn," Puck nearly growled. "I hate that she's still in love with that ass who hurts her so much. Treats women like shit an' everyone thinks the sun shines out of his ass."
"I don't," Coach shook her head. "I know he was the one that started that stupid..." She stopped and Puck looked at her and stopped hitting the sandbag.
"Yeah he's a moron," Puck rolled his eyes. "I sang for ya and everything, 'cause I thought you deserved it. But I ain't ever..." He took a deep breath. "You're awesome Coach, thinkin' a you wouldn't slow my shit down."
"You're a nice kid Puckerman," Coach shrugged at him and picked up a free weight.
Without really thinking about it Puck did the same, easily lifting the fifteen pounds, "No, I really ain't Coach." He denied, "I just... Puck sighed and decided to go for it. "I just think you're cool you know?" He met her eyes and was surprised to find that she wasn't entirely sure what he meant. "I know I've got a rep, I worked hard on that. But...I ain't ever been about perfection, like Quinn or Santana. I'm fucked up, but I got respect for women under alla my jackass mouth," Puck tilted his head as he looked at his Coach, evaluating her as he would any other woman. "And I know this shit is way inappropriate, but..." He took a deep breath, "I think you're hot. You're cool with who you are an' that's why I like Lauren and Rachel. I like badass chicks who can kick my ass physically or verbally. Hell I'm surrounded by women, I fuckin' love 'em. Ain't a woman in the world I don't think she ain't gorgeous in some way."
"Like I said Puckerman, you're a nice kid," Coach was smiling slightly now but he could tell she still didn't believe him.
"No I ain't," Puck shook his head. "Nice kids don't do the shit I done," He denied. "I ain't sayin' this shit to be nice. You got gorgeous eyes, and this skin looks like it'd be all soft, an' your hair looks soft too, like a man could put his hands in it without it getting stuck in spray or shit like that. And you've got a rockin' body, curves a guy can hang onto. Look like one a them Roman goddesses we had to study in art, all curvy and strong." He tilted his head, "An' you're tall so that means you got killer legs, an' I won't get started on your rack which is you know...awesome. Plus, you know sports, you understand guys, you're just... hell Coach, you're pretty fuckin' cool."
Her smile was more genuine as she shook her head, "You're right, this is totally inappropriate." She agreed, "But it was nice to hear. I know you wouldn't bother to lie about something like that."
"Nah," Puck shrugged. "Hell, I even like you yellin' at me on the field, tellin' me to move my ass." His lips spread into a grin, "I like strong women Coach. Don't got a lotta use for weak."
"Well it looks like you're surrounded by them," Coach's smile widened. "Hit the showers and go to class Puckerman," She advised. "I'll send a note along with you." She turned to go before pausing momentarily, "And Puckerman, talk to the girl, maybe it wasn't what you thought. And while you're at it, maybe you oughta forgive yourself some, you haven't had the easiest life."
"Yeah, maybe," Puck nodded his agreement and took a deep breath before putting the weight back on the rack.
And now he's had a long chat with Rachel and she knows how pissed he was, and he's had to hear about how Finn cornered her in the choir room and how angry she was and why hadn't Puck come in and she was sorry she'd upset him and how proud she was that he'd worked out his anger in a way other than hitting a person. And dear god could she talk when she was upset or nervous, Puck knew she had awesome breath control, that shit is amazing, but it's like she doesn't even need to breathe for fifteen fuckin' minutes.
But he tells her finally about his talk with Coach and how he hated what Finn had said. How rude and just mean it was to spread that sorta talk about someone they should respect. How he'd tried to make her feel better.
Rachel grinned at him, "So what do you think about when you're trying to control yourself Noah?" She was teasing but he figured he'd answer anyway.
"Gettin' stuck in Lima for the rest a my life," Puck told her quietly. "Someone I love gettin' hurt, bein' told I'm worthless, that I'm a disappointment."
She nodded her understanding, her expression thoughtful, "She's right though," Rachel had offered him a sad smile. "You really should forgive yourself. You're better than you think you are."
"Hell Rache, if I'm any better at all it's 'cause a you an' Beth," Puck told her quietly. "But I don't see how I can forgive myself when Quinn and Finn can't forgive me. Whole damn town knows what I did."
"Do you imagine that you got her pregnant all by yourself?" Rachel rolled her eyes at him and Puck got the feeling she was getting legit pissed at his attitude. "You assumed all the responsibility because Quinn never bothered; she blamed you and dumped it all on you, completely overlooking her own part in the mess."
"She was Finn's girlfriend Rachel," Puck pointed out. "I had no right to—"
"Did she or did she not, call you and ask you to bring her wine coolers?" Rachel demanded to know, "Just nod or shake your head, I'm not going to argue about this." Puck nodded slowly, "So she made the choice to drink. And she called you, not her boyfriend to bring her alcohol." Puck nodded again thinking that Finn wouldn't had a clue as to where he could get alcohol but still, that had been Quinn's choice.
Rachel nodded as she saw that sinking into his skull; that Quinn had decided to call him, sure he'd flirted and he'd teased and made passes but he hadn't been serious until she'd kissed him. "So we've established that it was Quinn's choice to have you over at her house." She made her point, "And did you use protection; because I simply cannot believe you're stupid enough to have completely unprotected sex."
"Yeah, you're right," Puck nodded. "I always thought she was pretty but she belonged to Finn. And then she kissed me..." He shrugged. "It was still wrong."
"But you didn't set out to seduce her, you didn't have unprotected sex and you didn't get her drunk," Rachel's voice was implacable. "What did you do when you found out she was pregnant?"
"I wanted to step up, offered to help," Puck shook his head anger surging through him at the memory. "She told me she'd rather Finn was the father; that I was just a Lima Loser and that's all I'd ever be." He saw Rachel's eyes narrow and darken, and felt irrationally pleased that she was angry on his behalf.
"So you tried to do the right thing, and for your trouble you were abused and taken advantage of," Rachel shook her head. "And then Quinn gave Beth up for adoption without even giving you much of a chance to prove you could raise her." She sighed and Puck knew without her saying that it bothered her Shelby had adopted Beth but hadn't wanted to know her biological daughter. "Noah, you've got to forgive yourself or no one else will ever bother to forgive you. You've got to believe you're worth it, or no one else will." She pressed a kiss to his cheek, "I should know. I'm still trying to forgive myself for things I've done. It takes time, but it'll be worth it in the end, I promise."
"I'm tryin' Rache," Puck admitted with a sigh. "It just ain't easy. I mean I let everyone down ya know? Seems like I keep screwin' up no matter how much I try to do good." He looked at her, "I'm not sprayin' kids down with a fire extinguisher anymore but…it's like no matter what…"
"It's hard," Rachel nodded. "Marilyn Monroe said it best, 'This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up'." She smiled up at him and Puck wanted nothing more than to kiss her for being so damn understanding, "Daddy says let the mind control the body, not the body control the mind."
"Jimmy Johnson," Puck grinned. "Damn Rache, leave it to you to quote one of the most awesome football coaches and not even know you're doing it."
Rachel giggled up at him and shrugged, "But it holds true." She argued, "I believe in you Noah. I know you. Believe in yourself please. And try to forgive yourself. It might help you to eventually forgive Quinn."
"Yeah…" Puck sighed. "I'll work on that." His reward for acquiescing was Rachel's soft lips pressed to his cheek.
Puck looked around the choir room and rolled his eyes. Quinn and Finn were flirting again, Santana was teasing Sam while linking pinkies with Brittany, Mike and Artie were talking about Call of Duty and Tina was talking with Mercedes. Lauren and Rachel were going over some music at the piano, both of them working hard while Brad was outside having a smoke. The band was tuning up and Mr. Schuester was just shuffling through his sheet music like they had all the time in the world before Regionals. Finally Puck couldn't take anymore. When he saw Coach Beiste out in the hallway he stood and went after her. "Hey Coach," He called and grinned when she turned around. "Been thinkin' on what you said," He told her, "An' talked about it with…uh, my best friend… so I gotta sing somethin' for glee club…" He tilted his head, "If ya ain't busy, would you come listen?"
"Yeah," Coach seemed surprised he'd asked but pleased too. "I like hearing you guys sing."
"Cool, I was gonna do it in a minute or so but I saw you and thought maybe you'd like to hear…ya know since you sorta inspired it," Puck grinned. "Won't take too long if you've got someplace to be."
"No practice so paperwork can wait," Coach grinned, that awesome grin that lit her whole face up. "Lead the way."
Puck grinned and hurried back to the choir room, holding the door open for her and snapping at Finn's stupidly amazed look, "What? My mom taught me fuckin' manners around ladies."
Coach's hand hit the back of his head gently, "Watch your mouth Puckerman," She admonished and took a seat. Lauren and Rachel had gotten away from the piano and were sitting in the front row. Puck shot his coach a half grin as he grabbed his guitar.
"Yes ma'am," Puck shrugged as he slung the strap over his head. He looked at the rest of the club, "So I got somethin' I been workin' on. Wanted Coach to be here because she kinda inspired me to start thinkin' 'bout this stuff." He nodded at Coach Beiste and Rachel, who sat beside her. "Ya'll know what a screw up I am. Whole town knows really." He shugged, "Ain't but a few people who think I can do better." He began tuning the guitar, "An' one of 'em said somethin', got me to thinkin', maybe it's time to let go a some things. So this song's about that."
"I'll be interested to hear what you've got prepared," Mr. Schuester had barely looked up from the sheet music he was sorting and Puck saw Coach Beiste frown slightly. Puck shrugged, Schuester had written him off a long time ago; the minute he'd been sent to juvie he'd been out of sight out of mind to the show choir director.
"Uh huh," Puck rolled his eyes and began to strum the guitar. For this number it wasn't the acoustic, he'd grabbed one of the electric guitars from the band cabinet and the sound sizzled through the air like lightening. Brad began to play the deceptively simplistic opening notes on the piano and Puck grinned as he began,
"In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies…"
That was the truth, he'd decided to just let everything go, all the justifications, all the excuses, accept what he'd done and move on. The chorus began gently and then grew to a tidal wave of sound, his voice coming out like a melodic scream.
"So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done…"
Puck took a deep breath and looked at Rachel and Coach and Artie, his three strongest supporters, just as much in his corner as his mom had ever been. He wanted to be better for them, for his friends, for his family. Being better meant getting past what he'd done, this next verse was hard to sing because of that.
"Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty,"
That was all he wanted, the clean slate everyone but him seemed to get. The second chance that never really seemed to come for him.
"So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done…"
This time there was no gentility in the words, the bridge was a defiant cry that he was worth more, that he was done with all this bullshit heaped on him, that he was moving forward with or without their blessing.
"For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done!
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
What I've done
Forgiving what I've done."
He let the last note and syllable expire on his lips and stood, panting as Brad's fingers played the last few notes, ominously like the beginning and stood before them, the people who seemed to simultaneously love and judge him the most harshly. Rachel was the first one on her feet, Coach and Lauren right behind her, Lauren hollering and Rachel applauding. The rest of the club, excepting Mike and Sam didn't climb to their feet, but only because Artie couldn't, but they were all applauding.
Artie wheeled over and handed him a bottle of water and Puck downed half of it in like five seconds 'cause he felt just that parched. When he'd gulped the last of it down Artie was grinning, "That was awesome man…" He shook his head.
"Dude it totally rocked," Mike seconded.
"Yeah and you didn't even know—" Sam was cut off abruptly as Rachel turned to glare at the second quarterback and the blond boy blushed. "Oops?"
"Oops what?" Puck grinned.
"Sam is referring to the little project he and Artie and I have been working on," Rachel said primly. "We had intended to perform it today, but perhaps it should wait. Your performance was wonderful."
"Then it should stand up to yours," Puck grinned. "Coach can you stay?" He handed the guitar off to Artie and moved towards Rachel and Coach Beiste.
"We'd love to have you Shannon," Mr. Schuester seconded and Puck was reminded of why he used to like Mr. Schue. When people weren't Puck or Rachel he'd bend over backwards for them.
Rachel wasn't nervous per se, but she was feeling a bit self-conscious. This wasn't her usual song, though Artie had assured her she had 'nailed it' during rehearsals. But it was something Puck would like, as his own song choice had just proven, and that was important to her. She looked at Coach Beiste and remembered how hurt she'd been over the boys stupidity and how angry Puck had been about it. As Sam and Artie took their places with her on the floor she took a deep breath.
"So Noah and I talked the other day about the nature of forgiveness," She began quietly. This was important, more important than making it about her, her performance, her needs. This wasn't about showmanship, "And it seems to me, that sometimes…in order to forgive others, we have to forgive ourselves." She looked at Artie and Sam and smiled, "Artie helped choose the song, and Sam has been great with the arrangements. We wanted to… show our friends that…" She shook her head in frustration, the words weren't coming. "Well that they aren't alone. "
"That sometimes shit happens, and all you can do is keep going," Artie chimed in and Rachel sent him a grateful look. "There ain't a person in this room that ain't fucked up somehow."
"But that's what life is, makin' mistakes and movin' on," Sam agreed. "So Rachel had the idea that we could find a song to remind each other of that. Because it's hard to forgive ourselves when people don't give us the chance to change." He looked at Puck, "And because sometimes," His eyes slanted at Mr. Schuester and Rachel did her best to not glare at the teacher, "Sometimes people forget, we're all more than the masks we wear in front of other people."
Rachel nodded and looked at Brad hopefully. The pianist got the hint and began the slow, almost haunting notes that began the song. Gently Artie and Sam's guitars played behind the piano, and Rachel knew that was her cue to begin,
"You were standing in the wake of devastation
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying 'Save me now'
You were there, impossibly alone…"
She couldn't stop looking at Puck, knowing just how isolated he'd felt, cut off from his family, his friends, lost to his daughter, and then stuck in juvenile hall, repercussions crashing down on him all at once. Sam and Artie's voices joined hers as they began the chorus,
"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go…"
Rachel had let her voice die away after the first line of the chorus, they'd agreed the boys sounded better together and without the feminine influence of her voice for the first and second chorus. Her gaze slipped over to Finn who looked confused at first and then as the realization began to dawn that she and the others were telling Puck to forgive himself, that they no longer blamed him alone for the events of the past year, his expression hardened in annoyance. Quinn beside him looked a bit upset but resigned, as if she'd figured out that blaming Puck wasn't going to get her anywhere.
And then it was time for her to sing again, the words of the second verse falling from her lips like a clarion call,
"And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms…"
She waited, her voice drifting away, for Sam and Artie to begin the chorus again, what they'd dubbed the Greek chorus, the male voices emphasizing the words.
"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go…"
Rachel looked at Artie as his voice slowed on the last note and he nodded. All the instruments stopped and the three of them sang simply, as elegantly as they could, the song almost harsh with meaning against the cool air of the choir room.
"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go…"
Artie and Sam took over for the last repeat of the chorus, their voices blending perfectly and Rachel waited until the last line before adding her soprano, the guitars dying away, then the boys voices, the piano until it was her voice alone on the last note.
"Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go…"
She let her voice die away, looking over at Puck nervously, her fingers twining around themselves in front of her. Lauren's voice was almost startling in the silence, "Damn Berry, you rock," The wrestler declared.
Rachel grinned at Lauren, shifting her gaze from Puck momentarily and then looking back at him. What if she'd upset him? Was he mad? And then he smiled, that quiet smile she hardly ever saw, the one reserved for his family and her. The smile she'd first seen when she'd gone with his mom and sister to pick him up from Juvie.
"Thinkin' we oughta get you singin' stuff 'sides Broadway more often Berry," He told her, his smile tilting and running through his voice teasingly. "Pretty unexpected."
"That was the point," Rachel nodded with a glance at Artie and Sam.
"Yeah," Artie chimed in as he wheeled himself closer to the seats, "We figured if Rache sang something Broadway or Barbra that you'd all just…ignore the meaning behind it."
"Like most folks usually do when Rachel sings," Sam pointed out dryly as he removed the guitar from around his neck. "But her singin' Linkin Park…that tends to get your attention."
"Well as interesting as it was to hear," Mr. Schuester clearly wasn't as interested in the conversation as the rest of them. "We still need to come up with a program for Regionals." Rachel took her seat and put up her hand, politely, even if she did say so herself, waiting for Mr. Schuester to call on her, which he did with barely concealed resignation, "Yes Rachel?"
"I would like to reiterate my idea that we will stand out and be more competitive if we compose our own songs," Rachel knew she was talking too fast but if she didn't Schuester or someone else would cut her off. Sure enough almost before she finished Santana was jeering at her.
"Hey lay off Satan," Puck turned lazily in his seat next to her and sneered at Santana. "I don't see you coming up with any ideas for anthems."
"Rachel's right," Quinn's voice was like a bomb exploding into the quiet. "And I'd love to work with you on a song Rachel." She smiled hopefully and Rachel offered a tentative smile back.
"All right," Mr. Schuester conceded the point. "Everybody start working on songs we can sing, individually and as a group."
Rachel grinned at Puck excitedly. This was going to be great. They were going to leave the competition in the dust at Regionals.
TBC
Author's Note: Okay so what did you guys think? I really found it difficult to believe that no one in the club would realize that Puck still blamed himself for everything that went down sophomore year, mostly because Quinn and Finn still blamed him for it. And Sam always struck me as a pretty open minded guy so between he, Artie and Rachel I really thought they'd want to tell Puck that it was time to let go of the past.
The Coach Beiste thing was something I found really offensive at the time and I never thought Puck would buy into that. And since canon Puck was really into Lauren I figured he was one of those guys who found something beautiful about nearly every woman/girl he saw. He also strikes me as the type of guy who would have no trouble stating his mind to anyone, including his coach.
Would love to hear what you guys think. Also I put a poll up on my profile, I'd appreciate some feedback with it too. As always thanks for reading.