Chapter 7
Alex watched the conversation intently, chewing her food forcibly as her family talked and laughed with each other. They had not a care in the world, those happy, laughing people; their lives were so simple, so boring, yet somehow fulfilling. Hayley was beaming from ear to ear as she discussed her photography course and how she envisioned her future, Alex glared at her in disgust, she wasn't even sure if she had a future, why should she? Why bother? It was unbearable that Hayley had a bright promising future, the Hayley who spent all her time giggling at boys and flunking classes, and Alex, after everything she had sacrificed, everything she had put into her education, Alex was the one who was flunking life.
Hayley had taken a picture of Alex the other day, catching her unawares as she stared off into space; she hadn't even realised until Hayley had printed the photo and showed it to her. The way she had looked in that photo, how...unrecognisable she was even to herself haunted her still. Hayley had been smiling when she showed Alex, not seeing how...tired the photo showed her to be, had Alex really been like this for so long that it wasn't anything to be alarmed about? In the photo her brow was furrowed as she stared into the distance, there was a pained look in her eyes, and her mouth, the thin lipped line it had become seemed to have forgotten how to smile. This was Alex, this was what she looked like when the mask was wavering.
She had looked at Hayley, tears shimmering in her eyes as she realised that not even her big sister saw how much pain she was in, how much self loathing there was inside. At the same time that she congratulated herself on how well constructed her mask was, she wanted to scream "I'm not okay!" She wanted people to notice, people to care enough to turn their heads and look at the crazy person. There was just so much pain inside, so many tears she had choked back, so many words she hadn't said. Little things hurt so much more than they should, something as silly as a friend taking more than an hour to answer a text was a knife to the heart. Every time someone neglected to ask if she were okay when she was feeling down- which was a lot- was just another reason for her to believe that she was unloved, and that she was unworthy of love.
There was no sense to it, Alex knew that, and perhaps that was what made it worse, Alex was a rational person, she knew that people were busy, she knew that she put up a happy facade, but that didn't stop the thoughts. That didn't stop the deep unhappiness that crept upon her like the mist in a horror movie, leaving her feeling cold, damp, and like something terrible was about to occur. Dread was the new emotion which coloured her existence, stealing over her body so suddenly it left her shaking.
'How was your day, honey?' Alex looked up in shock as her mum addressed her, usually they just ignored her.
'Umm...it was alright,' No it wasn't, it was horrible, everything is horrible, I just want to curl up in bed and never leave. 'Just school, learning new things, trying not to smash a book over Sanjay's pompous head, the usual.' Why can't you see how unhappy I am?!
'Well what can you expect with his parents,' Claire muttered. She still didn't like Sanjay's parents, in her eyes they were always trying to one up her, rubbing their classiness in her suburban housewife face. Well I guess we're finished talking about me, Alex rolled her eyes. It's not that she particularly wanted to talk about her feelings, it's just it seemed like such a big thing that it was absurd that people could talk about anything else!
Her conversation with Uncle Mitchell the other day had shown her that once she got started talking about her feelings it was hard to stop, they had been bottled up inside and there was so much she needed to say. However the relief that had followed that conversation had faded, and now she was back to being filled with so much self loathing that it started to spill over into loathing for people around her. Alex needed to talk to a professional, she didn't even know who she was anymore, now a angry, twisted soul.
Yes I know the chapters are short, but I've already explained my reasons, certain chapters will be longer as and when there's more action. Until next week please review, it's like writer in training pay :)