Hey everyone, welcome to another installment of Alexinthymia. I want to thank all my lovely reviewers, gypsy rosalie, BiggerOil, Guest, and Amy. Special thanks to squirmyphish, your review really made my week. Thank you so much :)

Chapter 9

Why do I feel like this? I thought I was meant to be getting better! Alex quietly shut the door to her room and leant her warm skin against the cool surface. She was so worked up that once she was finally able to breathe the tears sprang immediately to her eyes. Today had been...Alex sighed as she thought back on it. It hadn't even been a particularly difficult day, it had just been lots of little things that she hadn't been able to cope with and they had built up one upon the other. Even after a month of counselling she was still struggling. She would have good days, and bad days, and days where it felt like a trial just to get out of bed in the morning. No matter how many times it happened, she'd still let herself hope on the good days that this was it, that she was better, that she had clarity. The counsellor had told her many times that it would be a long journey with just as many steps back as forwards, but that didn't stop the jolt of hope she felt when she woke up without the black cloud making her brain fuzzy.

I just want to be finished with this; I just want it all to be behind me already! Alex was so fed up with being sick, with being the one who was suffering in silence. She wanted to scream, she wanted to let everyone know that she was dying inside, that she was at war with herself and she had already lost. At the same time though, she didn't want to be the one who was pitied, the broken one, the one who needed to be watched carefully. She wasn't crazy! Even though she felt like her mind was failing her she wasn't ready to let it go completely. She was clinging onto her sanity with aching fingers and she was determined to keep clawing at it until she became strong enough to pull it back.

How did I even get here? When did I start to feel this way? The tears were streaming down her face now as she tried to think back to a time when she suddenly went from being happy to unhappy. There simply wasn't one; life had been wearing her down over time and then one day she just broke. She was split down the middle and her happiness leaked out before she could sticky tape the cracks back up. She was not whole, and that's why she felt like she was going through life in a daze, never caring about anything, never loving, laughing. All the important stuff, all the avenues of joy were lost to her and she had to dig deep within herself to find it again and reclaim it.

But how? How do I even start to go about it? It wasn't as simple as thinking happy thoughts; it wasn't a matter of telling herself that she could get through it. If truth be told, Alex wasn't sure how she was going to do it at all. She was on the right path, for that she was thankful, but it was a matter of staying on that path, convincing herself day after day, no matter how hard it got to continue and keep working even when she felt like she couldn't breathe, even when unshed tears rendered her mute. Alex was under no impressions that it was going to be an easy path, but did it have to be this hard?! Did it have to be a daily, almost minutely struggle, to constantly remind herself that she was worthwhile, and that the world needed her to keep on living? It was hard to believe that sometimes, well most times, especially when she felt invisible in the public education system, simply a number in a database, a goody two shoes in class, but never achieving much more than handing things in on time and receiving a mark for it.

When will I get to prove my worth in life so that I will truly be able to believe that I am important? I sure don't feel important in anything at the moment. The truth that it probably wouldn't happen until she left all her formal, instituted education behind her was saddening, and overwhelming at times. She didn't even feel like she was learning in school, she was simply memorising points on the checklist of the syllabus, there was no real knowledge gain. I've just got to get through it, and get that meaningless piece of paper. I've got to believe that once I'm valued as a graduate zombie that I will be able to truly do something of worth, that I will become a name, I will no longer be faceless, nameless, unimportant. It will happen!

Ahh Alex, I wish I could tell you that everyone feels this way at times, that life is hard but that there are moments which make it worth it.

Thank you all for sticking with this story, it means a lot to me.

Wishing you a good weekend, and good mental health :)

Please leave a few words if you're enjoying the fic.

-Shell