Author's Note: I know that everyone probably thought that I'd given up on this fic, but I've been plagued with writer's block since I posted the last chapter. Real-life circumstances didn't help matters either... However, things are good now and are slowing down at work a bit so I've been writing again. My plan (and the most frustrating thing about the writer's block) is to wrap the story up in another 3-5 chapters.
Since it's been so long, here's a little bit of a recap of where things ended last: Jesse and Rachel are back in Lima spending a few days of Hanukkah with her dads. After visiting McKinley and the book store where they met, they stopped at the Lima Bean where they ran into someone unexpected...
"Rachel Berry?"
The room felt like it had tipped on its axis as she recognized the voice that had said her name. She closed her eyes to try and steel her composure before turning around. Rachel had been prepared to run into any number of her high school friends, but standing there in the Lima Bean was the last person she had ever expected to see.
"Shelby?" her voice was smaller than she would've liked. Rachel was sure that the smile that was plastered on her face was completely unconvincing, but it was understandable when being confronted with the mother that had walked away from her daughter, not once but twice.
Rachel just stood there, frozen on the spot as Shelby stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her in a light embrace. The thought of lifting her arms ever so slightly to return the embrace crossed Rachel's mind but they stayed glued to her sides. All she could think was why was Shelby hugging her like they were old friends?
Shelby took a step back as she released Rachel and let her own arms drop to her sides once again. "You look beautiful," she told Rachel, a genuine smile lighting up her features. "Broadway definitely agrees with you."
"Thank you," Rachel managed. Then she blurted out, "What are you doing in Lima?"
If Shelby was taken aback by Rachel's bluntness, she didn't let it show. "Beth and I moved here from Akron this past summer," she replied, not giving any further details as to why they had moved. "Are you spending Hanukkah with your dads?"
"Yeah, for a couple of days," Rachel answered, turning her head slightly in time to see Jesse turn around and move to stand beside her while they waited for their drinks.
Recognition registered on Shelby's face as she looked at the man standing next to Rachel. "Jesse, what are you…" the question that she had been about to ask died on her lips as Jesse slipped his hand into Rachel's.
"Shelby," he greeted, a slight edge to his voice. He and Shelby had kept in fairly regular contact for years after he had left Carmel, but that was before he and Rachel had rekindled their relationship all those months ago. Since then, he hadn't so much as sent an e-mail or a text. The tiny glimmer of hope that he had held onto for years that she had actually tried to build a relationship with her daughter had vanished the first night that he and Rachel had gone out after rehearsal. What kind of mother – no, what kind of person would selfishly thrust themselves into the life of the child that they had willingly given up for adoption only to immediately walk away and never so much as look back?
Shelby recovered quickly from the shock of seeing Jesse with Rachel, clearly more than just friends and co-stars. "I've read all of the reviews of the show. I'm so proud of both of you," she told them. "I'm hoping that Beth and I can go to New York for Spring Break and she can see her first Broadway show."
The grip that Rachel had on Jesse's hand involuntarily tightened at the mention of Shelby's adopted daughter's name again. Rachel had nothing against the young girl. It wasn't her fault that Shelby had decided that a relationship with her teenage daughter had proven to be something that Shelby had never been ready for in the first place. She wasn't sure if she could ever understand how Shelby couldn't build a relationship with her, but had been up to the task of raising an infant. Rachel allowed herself to wonder briefly if Shelby ever had any regrets about the decisions that she had made when it came to the relationship that she and Rachel could have had.
"Does she sing?" Rachel asked, wondering if Beth took after both of her birth parents.
Shelby beamed proudly as she responded. "Every chance she gets."
"Jesse!" one of the Lima Bean baristas yelled from behind the counter indicating that his and Rachel's coffees were ready.
"I'll get them," Rachel said quickly before turning and walking over to the counter. The almost overwhelming need to get away from Shelby made Rachel want to run to the counter, but she kept her composure as she went to get their drinks.
As soon as Rachel was out of earshot, Shelby leaned in closer and hissed, "What in the hell do you think you're doing Jesse?"
"Getting coffee," he replied sarcastically, knowing full well what she was getting at.
"You're a married man, Jesse." Her tone was hushed but accusatory so he knew where she was going with this. "You had an affair with my daughter." There was fire in her eyes which began to make Jesse's blood boil.
He wasn't going to bother denying the affair because it was true but he couldn't believe she had the audacity to lecture him on anything where Rachel was concerned. "Your daughter?" he spat in a low voice. "You couldn't be bothered with Rachel for the last ten years but now she's your daughter?"
"She'll always be my daughter," she shot back, her eyes darting over Jesse's shoulder to see Rachel still on the other side of the coffee shop putting some honey in her coffee.
Jesse scoffed at her statement. "Only because you share DNA."
"I may not have raised her, but I'm her mother and I will always want the best for her. I want to see her get everything she wants in life. To have a long, successful career on Broadway. Or Hollywood. Or wherever she might want to go. Not to have her name tainted by a scandalous relationship with her married co-star that she had when her career was first starting." Shelby was so focused on Jesse that she failed to notice Rachel had walked up behind Jesse to hear the tail end of her rant. "I want her to be happy."
"I am happy," Rachel spoke up as she stopped next to Jesse, handing one cup to her boyfriend before turning her attention back fully to the woman in front of her. "Not that it's any of your business."
"Rachel, I…" Shelby started but before she could say anything more Rachel held her hand up to stop her and she acquiesced.
"You don't get to judge me or lecture us," Rachel told her, indignantly. "You don't know me. You never have." She breathed deeply several times to try and repress the anger that was building inside of her.
Shelby saw Rachel's momentary pause as her opening. "I know that I've made some mistakes," she said quietly as she stepped toward Rachel. "I wish I could have been the mother that you wanted me to be."
Something inside of Rachel snapped at Shelby's words. "I would have been just fine if I had never known that you were my mother. My mother would have stayed a wistful dream where I could have imagined what her life was like. If she ever thought about me. What it would be like when we finally met. How it would be to ask her questions that I would never dare think of asking my dads and even though she didn't raise me, she would still love me and want to know me." Rachel's vision clouded with unshed tears that began to well in her eyes as she said the words that she had needed to say for so long. "But you couldn't do that. You came into my life and then decided that you didn't want to be a part of it after all with your warped logic that because I was a teenager there was nothing left for you to do. When I came to you after Regionals and begged you to come and coach at McKinley, you turned me away. All I needed was my mother." Hot tears streaked down Rachel's cheeks as they fell from her eyes.
Not knowing what else to say, Shelby said, "I'm sorry."
"So am I." As Rachel began walking away she paused briefly and looked up at Shelby, a storm of emotions raging within her. The one that was currently overpowering everything else was simply sadness. "Good-bye Shelby."
Jesse began to follow Rachel before stopping one last time. "Always a pleasure, Shelby," he sneered with a fury in his eyes that Shelby had never seen before. She knew she would not be hearing from Jesse any time soon, if ever.
As Rachel rushed out to the parking lot, she saw a perfectly coiffed head of blond hair next to a car parked not far away from her and Jesse's rental. Quinn looked as beautiful as ever as she shut the door to her car and headed Rachel's way, pushing a stroller. After her encounter with Shelby, Rachel wasn't sure that she even wanted to catch up with her old friend but before she knew it she was calling out "Quinn!"
"Rachel?!" A smile lit up Quinn's face as she approached Rachel who was now accompanied by Jesse. Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel's shoulders in greeting. "What are you doing in town?" Quinn asked as she released Rachel and stepped back next to the stroller. It had been years since she had seen Rachel so it was a bit of a shock running into her in the parking lot of the Lima Bean.
"We're spending a couple of days with my dads for Hanukkah," Rachel explained. "You remember Jesse St. James?"
Quinn turned her eyes to Jesse and after a moment they lit up in recognition and she nodded, smiling at Jesse. "Nice to see you again, Quinn," Jesse greeted, shaking her hand.
"You too," she replied with a smile before turning her gaze back to Rachel. "So how's life as a Broadway star?"
"Busy and wonderful and so much more than I ever dreamed it would be," Rachel told her.
"Well, Kurt couldn't stop gushing about your show when he was here for Thanksgiving. He even sang one of the songs for us," she told Rachel, giggling at the memory of Kurt performing for the entire Hummel-Hudson clan.
"Which one?" Rachel was curious as to what song Kurt chose to sing for his family. He had been to the show many times, but she hadn't realized that he had memorized any of the songs.
"Umm, I think it's a duet because he tried to get Daniel to sing with him." Quinn's brow scrunched together as she racked her brain trying to remember what Kurt had said. "Is there a song called Believe?"
Rachel smiled. It was her favorite song in the entire show. "I'm Making Believe," Rachel offered.
"That's it!" Quinn exclaimed. "It was beautiful. He told us the story behind the song and how your characters are separated by the war. It sounds like an amazing show."
Looking down for the first time, Rachel noticed the little boy who was gazing up at her from the stroller next to Quinn.
Quinn followed Rachel's line of sight and grinned broadly. "This is William," she offered, leaning down into the stroller and unbuckling the infant so she could hold him.
Reaching out, Rachel lightly tickled William's belly which only made him smile. "What'd Mr. Schue think when you told him that you were naming your son after him?"
"You know, Mr. Schue." Quinn smirked. "He got all teary-eyed and couldn't stop hugging me and Finn. I thought that he might even break into song." They all chuckled as they remembered the many times that Mr. Schue had done just that even in Jesse's short time at McKinley. Noticing the look on Rachel's face, Quinn asked, "Would you like to hold him?"
Rachel smiled and nodded as she reached out for the little boy in Quinn's arms. As she looked down at him, it amazed her how even though he was just months old she could see a bit of both of his parents in him. "He's beautiful, Quinn," she said, gazing down and smiling at the baby in her arms. Unbidden, her thoughts wandered back to the woman inside the Lima Bean and she wondered if she had ever held Rachel. Had she looked at her daughter and seen a bit of herself gazing back up at her?
Quinn's voice broke into her thoughts. "So how much longer are you two here? Maybe we could all go out for a drink? Finn is usually home by five."
"I wish we could but we fly back tomorrow morning and we're having dinner with my dads tonight," Rachel replied, handing William back to his mother.
"Next time then," Quinn offered as she placed her son back in his stroller.
"I'd like that. Well, I'm glad I ran into you." Rachel leaned forward and gave Quinn a hug. "Tell Finn I said hi."
"I will." She turned to Jesse. "It was good to see you again, Jesse."
"You too."
Quinn began walking away before she yelled out "Have a safe trip back to New York!"
Rachel smiled and waved as she watched Quinn make her way to the entrance to the Lima Bean. She and Jesse continued to the car and as she sat down in the passenger seat, she glanced at the coffee shop one last time only to see Shelby and Quinn hugging like the mother and daughter that she and Rachel would never be.
She hadn't thought that part of her heart could break any more than it already had, but in that moment, it shattered.
As Jesse drove back towards the Berry house, he glanced over at Rachel who had been silent ever since they had gotten into the car. Her elbow was resting on the window sill and her hand cradled her cheek as she gazed at the scenery that blurred by. When Jesse heard a soft sniffle come from Rachel, he reached over and put a comforting hand on her thigh.
Rachel didn't turn to acknowledge him, but instead grasped his hand in hers tightly. Almost as if he was her anchor in a safe harbor. She breathed deeply as they made their way down her dads' street.
Once they pulled into the driveway, she finally turned her watery gaze to Jesse. "Rach…" Jesse began but she shook her head and held up her hand to stop him.
"I don't want Shelby ruining our time with my dads tonight so please don't mention that we ran into her," she told him in a very matter-of-fact tone.
Jesse nodded his head in understanding and gave her hand another comforting squeeze. Jesse hated that what had started out as such a great day with breakfast with her dads and visiting Mr. Schue at McKinley and singing together in the place where they had first met had been marred by a run-in with Shelby. He watched as she took a few deep breaths to try and regain her composure before she looked up at him again and smiled. "Do you need a few more minutes?" he asked.
Rachel shook her head as she released his hand and opened her door. Following her lead, he got out of the car and jogged to catch up to her as she made her way up the path to the front door. He slipped his arm over her shoulder and pulled her into his side, brushing his lips lightly against her temple before they walked through the door.
"Hey!" Rachel yelled, no hint of the sadness or heartbreak that she was doing her best to stamp down was even evident in her voice.
"We're in the kitchen!" her dad called back.
"Again!" her daddy added, making Rachel chuckle.
Unbuttoning her coat and tossing it on a nearby chair as they made their way into the kitchen, Rachel couldn't help the grin that spread across her face as she saw her dads working side-by-side as they prepared dinner. She walked around the counter to give both of her dads kisses on the cheek. "What can I help with?" Just being in the presence of two of the most loving parents that a girl could ever ask for was already making her heart feel lighter.
"You're on latke duty," Bruce said as he handed Rachel a large bowl along with a couple of peeled potatoes and zucchini.
"Mm, my favorite," she replied as she snatched the recipe off the counter and set it down so she could read it. Jesse had just sat down on a stool when she looked across the bar at him. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Watching you cook," he stated with a slight shrug of his shoulders and a smirk.
"Nah uh, start grating," she told him handing him one of the potatoes. He held it up with a raise of his eyebrow as he gestured to the empty counter in front of him. In response to his silent question, she handed him a bowl and grater.
"You shouldn't put your guests to work," Jesse teased Rachel, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
She was about to respond when she heard her dad say, "Well, it's a good thing that you're family and not a guest then." Rachel turned her head in surprise at her dad's words and saw the warm smile on his face. While Samuel may not have realized it, what he had just said about Jesse meant the world to both her and Jesse. The one person that she had been most worried about accepting her relationship with Jesse had just called him family.
"So how was your visit to McKinley today?" her dad asked. As they continued to prepare dinner, Rachel and Jesse told her dads about their day, sharing a pointed look as they talked about bumping into Quinn at the Lima Bean and completely leaving any mention of Shelby Corcoran out of the story.
"It was a good day," Rachel finished, turning her gaze down to the bowl in front of her as she felt tears prick the corners of her eyes. She wished that she could forget her run-in with Shelby as easily as she had omitted her from the story. Deciding it was best not to dwell on that unpleasant subject, she looked up at Jesse who had stopped what he was doing for a moment as he gazed at her, eyes full of concern. "I hope the fact that you're not working means that you're done with my potatoes," she teased in an attempt to lighten the mood between them.
Jesse cocked his head slightly, smirking as he tipped the bowl towards his girlfriend. "What's next?"
"Just sit there and watch the master at work," she replied with a wink as she took the bowl out of his hands and stirred it into the mixture in front of her. Turning around towards the stovetop, she turned the burner on to heat up the oil in the skillet before she continued to mix the ingredients together. As she was about to drop a spoonful into the hot grease, she felt Jesse's hand rest on her hip.
"I had to come see the master up close," he teased before kissing her head.
"Prepare to be amazed," she grinned up at him.
"Make sure she doesn't burn those now, Jesse," Bruce called to them as Rachel placed latkes in the frying pan. "She's been known to do that."
"Hey!" Rachel objected. "That was one time!"
Jesse chuckled as he watched Bruce shake his head as he gestured upwards with his thumb.
"Daddy!" She turned back to the frying pan and begrudgingly said, "Okay, maybe it's happened more than once but it was all due to extenuating circumstances."
"Which were?" Jesse asked before either of her dads could.
"Well, um," she racked her brain for something but was coming up empty and then she remembered something. "When I was twelve you let me cook them all by myself and oil splattered on my new dress that you had given me the night before and I went to rinse the stain out so I wouldn't ruin it and in the few minutes that I was gone, they burnt."
"Okay, I'll give you that one," Bruce said.
Rachel looked around to see three expectant faces waiting to hear more about her mishaps over the years. "The next year we had The Sound of Music on in the living room while we were cooking," she began before her dad interrupted her.
"Honey, running off to the living room to sing 'My Favorite Things' does not count."
Rachel's mouth opened to refute her dad's statement but she knew it was true so she tried to think of something else.
"My junior year of high school, Kurt was going through a really tough time and he needed to talk to me." Rachel knew she was reaching at this point as she glanced around at the three men in the kitchen. "Alright, fine. I admit it. I am a latke ruiner!" she declared dramatically, throwing her hands up in the air.
Her dads and Jesse all looked at each other trying not to laugh but as Rachel cracked a smile of her own, all of their laughter filled the Berry house.
Rachel listened to Jesse's heartbeat, her head resting on his chest, as they lay in the darkness of her old bedroom. The sure and steady rhythm was comforting. Lifting her head, she locked her gaze with Jesse's as she shifted to lay her head on the pillow next his and reached for his hand under the blankets, lacing her fingers through his. "Thank you," she told him in a quiet voice.
With his free hand, he reached up and brushed his fingertips lightly across her forehead before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "For what?" he asked in an equally hushed tone.
"For helping make this the best Hanukkah I've ever had."
Jesse nuzzled his nose against hers in response. "I'm just glad that I was here to celebrate it with you. " They lay in silence for a few moments before he spoke again. "You know, this is how I wished my Christmases had been growing up," he confessed. "We never made Christmas dinner together. We didn't sit around the living room talking for hours."
"Or singing?" Rachel asked, remembering the hour they had spent after dinner singing songs around the piano.
Jesse nodded his head. "Or singing," he echoed. "Christmas was a time for family vacation." Rachel could almost hear the air quotes around the word "family" as he spoke, but she stayed silent wanting him to talk about the parents that he so seldom mentioned. "Ski resort or tropical island, it didn't matter. Presents were opened, dad would make his way to the bar and mom would disappear to the spa for the day."
"What about you?" Rachel rested her hand on his chest, rubbing lightly.
"I would play with whatever expensive gifts they bought me that year."
"By yourself?"
"It became the St. James family tradition," he told her, staring up at the ceiling.
Reaching up, Rachel placed a finger on Jesse's cheek and turned his head toward her. "Well, this year we're going to start our own tradition." She smiled as she thought about the two of them buying their first Christmas tree and decorating it and having friends over for a Christmas party in their new apartment. That was, if they were in the new apartment by then. "Hopefully, in our new home." She watched as Jesse's brow un-furrowed as his thoughts turned away from his parents.
"Yeah, hopefully," Jesse agreed, managing to keep from grinning and giving away part of her birthday surprise. As much as Jesse wanted to stay on happier subjects and steer clear of the topic of crappy parents, it worried him that Rachel had still not mentioned their earlier encounter with Shelby. "So… are we going to talk about Shelby?"
"No." The smile from moments before disappeared immediately.
"Rach…" he pressed.
"I don't want to talk about it," she told him as she let go of his hand that she had been holding and rolled over, turning away from him.
Jesse sighed and scooted closer to Rachel so that her back was pressed against his chest. "Rachel, we need to," he insisted softly.
Rachel shook her head as her eyes began to fill with tears.
"Please." He placed a kiss in the crook of her neck as he wrapped his arm around her protectively. "Talk to me," he whispered.
"I thought I had moved past this," she said, the anguish in her voice apparent even though it was barely above a whisper. "I thought it didn't hurt anymore but seeing her again…" Her breath hitched before she continued. "The way she hugged Quinn…" The tears that she had managed to keep at bay all night seemed to flow endlessly as Rachel held on tightly to the arm that Jesse had wrapped around her.
He let her cry for a few minutes, doing his best to comfort her. His heart nearly broke when he heard Rachel say, "She never wanted me."
On some level, Jesse knew that wasn't true. After all, he had been there at Sectionals his senior year when Rachel had brought the house down with her rendition of 'Don't Rain on My Parade'. Jesse remembered how he had thought it was strange that Shelby seemed to beam with pride after New Directions won. It was only on the car ride back to Akron that she had told him the real reason for their excursion to Lima. "She did want you, Rach. The only reason I agreed to leave that tape for you to find in your bedroom was because of the way she had talked about seeing you after she gave birth to you. But when faced with the tour de force that was you, she just didn't know how to be a mother. Unfortunately, Shelby didn't figure that out until it was too late."
"I asked her to come teach at McKinley, you know." It always amazed Rachel how the things that she wished she could forget most of the time were also the things that she remembered vividly. "She told me she didn't want to coach glee club anymore and that she wanted a family. I still don't know why but the last thing I said to her was that Quinn had had her baby." Rachel paused for a moment. "You should have seen the look on her face."
"It was unfair. She was selfish and unfair to you. She shouldn't have taken the choice of finding your birth mother away from you the way she did. I'm sorry I played a role in it," he told her. Rolling over, Rachel buried her face against Jesse's chest getting his t-shirt wet with the tears that were still falling. Jesse comforted her in silence for a few minutes before finally speaking. "Shelby did do the best thing she ever could have done for you."
"What?" Rachel croaked, her voice muffled by Jesse's shirt.
"She gave you an amazing family." He squeezed her lightly and placed a kiss on the crown of her head.
Rachel sniffled as she nodded. "Two of the most wonderful dads that a girl could ask for," she added.
"Exactly." They were both silent again as Jesse rubbed soothing circles on Rachel's back while her tears subsided.
Unsure of how long they had been laying in the quiet darkness, Jesse was sure that Rachel had fallen asleep and had just closed his eyes to join her when he heard her speak. "You forgot the next best thing that Shelby did for me."
"What's that?"
She lifted her head from where it had been resting against his chest only to rest her forehead against his. "You," she breathed. "She gave me you."
Author's Note 2: In case anyone is curious about the song that Kurt sang at Thanksgiving, I'm Making Believe, is an actual song that I love by Ella Fitzgerald and the Ink Spots. I kind of planned out the actual musical that Jesse and Rachel are in and this is a song that they sing when they're separated by the war.