Yay another Friday, looking forward to the weekend. Thank you to gypsy rosalie and momadance420 for their reviews :)

Chapter 16

'I just feel like I need to get out there and do something to make my continued existence on the planet worthwhile,' Alex sighed heavily and fixed her psychologist with a sad gaze. 'I'm tired of my life simply being wake up, go to school, come home, go to bed. My day needs to be worthwhile, otherwise there's no point in me getting out of bed.'

'Many people suffering depression find it hard to get out of bed in the morning,' her psychiatrist agreed.

'Why do you always do that?' Alex sat up straighter. 'A lot of the things you say aren't actually suggestions or responses to what I say, but facts which vaguely relate to what I've just said.'

'Well, Alex, I am qualified to help you explore your psyche, not to give advice,' Doctor Bryant let her pen rest on her notepad. 'If you don't mind me saying, a part of why you're here is because you're sick of other people making decisions for you, therefore it would be counterproductive for me to tell you what you should do.'

' Okay,' Alex nodded and relaxed back into the couch. 'so do you think a project would help me feel more motivated to get up each morning?'

'You've done it again Alex,' Doctor Bryant pointed out with a smile. 'You feel the need to check your decisions against an authority figure. Let me ask you this, what do you think about it?'

'I do do that don't I?' Alex smirked in spite of herself. 'I like to think of myself as head strong and opinionated, but I'm constantly seeking the approval of others. There is a side of me which wants to be spontaneous, and just do things because I want to, but the rational side of me doesn't allow that. The rational side of me wants to weigh up all the pros and cons before I make a decision.'

'Do you feel like that's held you back from things?'

'You know what, I do.' Alex nodded vigorously, her brow creasing in thought. 'Why do I do that to myself?'

'I think the tendency is to make sure the safety net is secured before you take a leap,' Doctor Bryant offered.

'But I don't just stop there; I double check the harnesses, and waste time waiting for the best opportunity. What if there never is a best opportunity? What if I miss a great experience by playing it safe?'

'Well why do you play it safe?' Doctor Bryant prodded her further along the path. A pregnant silence hung in the air as Alex examined her mind, turning over memories to find a pattern to her behaviour.

'I think I'm scared of the freefall,' she said finally. 'At least at home with my colour coded notes and archived school work I have control. I see how disorganised the rest of my family are and it looks like pure chaos; they take leaps everyday only to splat messily onto the ground.'

'But they keep on taking leaps don't they?'

'They do,' Alex nodded. 'I'm quite sure evolution would've taken care of them a long time ago if it wasn't for modern day society.'

'From your observations how is it that they keep taking risks after they've failed so many times?' Doctor Bryant questioned. Alex cocked her head to the side; it was something she had wondered many times before, usually with a snort of derision. But now that she was forced to think about it, perhaps it was an enviable trait, the ability to keep doing things which seemed ridiculous. How did her father keep trying to invent silly machines when they almost always failed? How did Hayley find the will to apply to community college after being kicked out of her previous one? How...? A feeling unknown to Alex niggled at her brain; the feeling of the answer being known to her, but just out of reach.

'I don't know,' she shook her head as she rose out of the depths of her subconscious back into the room.

'I think you do,' The glint in Doctor Bryant's eyes irritated Alex. How could she know? If she did wouldn't Alex be out there taking risks and not sitting here talking about it?!

Suddenly an image moved into focus. Her mum was going to the store, but instead of the list of groceries, she had a list of parts for her dad's latest invention. Even as Claire shook her head, there was a small smile on her lips as she grabbed her keys. Another image floated into her mind of her dad sharing the joy of inventing things with her little brother, teaching him to be creative and self confident.

'Oh,' Alex breathed, looking back at the psychologist with tears in her eyes. 'They can afford to fall because they know they have people who will pick them up again.'

'You're a smart girl Alex, why can't you know that too?'

'I look down on them and I think I'm the smart one in the family but I'm so wrong,' Alex shook her head.

'Being vulnerable and open with people is the hardest for those who are so used to being independent,' Doctor Bryant's lips twitched in sympathy. 'I think you're so used to being grown up that you've missed some of the basic lessons we learn as children.' Alex nodded, recognising herself in the description; she would have to learn how to trust and be open.

'So how do I do that?' she asked, her voice trembling slightly.

'We all have to find our own way, but perhaps you might start by remembering that people aren't out to get you; that if you're open with people you have no reason to fear that information being used against you.'

The silence hung in the air as Alex considered this profundity. Could that diagnosis be correct, could it be true that she feared other's opinions so much that it impacted on her daily life? If she had been asked yesterday she would've said that she readily embraced her love of all things nerdy, but now she wasn't so sure. She couldn't really say that when she changed how she acted around others. Her fear of being shunned had gotten in the way of her enjoying things that she genuinely liked; of things which made her Alex. Was that a part of the process when she weighed up the pros and cons of things?

'Alex, we've still got another ten minutes,' Doctor Bryant looked at her watch as Alex rose to her feet.

'That's okay, there's things I need to do.' Like a woman possessed, Alex strode from the room.

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