"Damn him."
Alexis intended to take a shower to ease the tension after a full day at the PCPD. Instead, she spent the exercise exorcising herself of Julian. His allusion to the dryer incident led to memories of an endless string of liaisons she desperately tried to suppress. The hot water she planned to help soothe her achy muscles was replaced with cold to inhibit the chain reaction Julian's power of suggestion had set off on her body. The roaring flush and fire that had spread through her torso earlier was replaced with a low hum. She was exhausted but it would now be hours before she slept, unless she could find a way to relax. Convinced that a glass of the merlot she bought earlier that week was enough to induce sleep, Alexis rushed to share some with Sam before she fled to her son.
She planned poorly. By the time she made it downstairs in the least sexy ensemble she could find—a pair of men's sweatpants that were NOT Julian's, and a baggy T-shirt that rendered her curveless—Sam had gone. All that awaited her was Julian and dinner.
-"Hey." Julian was setting the table, as he smiled at her. "You brought her home. I'm impressed."
-"Don't be. A defense attorney's job is to get her client out. Especially if she's innocent."
-"Did they even charge her?"
-"No. But—"
-"But what?"
-"I don't think they're looking elsewhere. And they didn't charge her. So that leads me to believe—"
-"—that they're working on collecting evidence they can use to make any charges stick?"
-"Maybe." Alexis closed her eyes. "Sorry. I'm not very sharp right now. There's something off, but I'm too exhausted to focus on what it is. All I know is that she's free tonight." Her eyes darted around the room, looking for something.
-"What is it?"
-"Wine. Have you seen a bottle of merlot?" she asked under her breath as she headed towards the bar.
They sat, just the two of them. In an effort to create a clinical ambiance, Alexis had adjusted the overhead lighting to its full setting, the result a garish glow that covered the whole room.
-"This smells amazing." She touched his hand out of habit, then quickly withdrew it. "Thank you."
-"Least I could do. I had a lot of time today and haven't made this in forever. Seeing the crock pot kind of reminded me what a shame that was."
-"If you don't say so yourself."
-"Yup. You just wait."
Alexis took a bite. "Wow. That is good. Hot though."
-"It is chili, Alexis."
-"I know, but this is packing a lot of heat."
He tipped the bottle of wine in her direction and poured at her silent assent. Julian was preparing himself for a long, emotional night of planning so he opted to take a pass on the alcohol. With her glass full, he decided to get the ball rolling. "So, Sam's home. Now what?"
She sighed, "Julian, I know I promised you a conversation about Sam's legal strategy and how we'd work together. But can we save it for the morning? I'm exhausted, and I think Sam should probably be here for it."
-"Sure. That's fair." He was quiet. "You know Alexis, there was another conversation you promised me."
Alexis nodded as she chewed. Suddenly, her eyes teared up and she started to choke.
-"Alexis, are you OK?"
She gasped, "Water."
-"What?"
-"More water, give me water." Alexis guzzled his water glass and started to drain the only other object on the table that offered relief: the merlot. Her attempts were useless though, and her face was flushed a color not seen since she fell asleep on a Cretan beach when she was 11.
Julian appeared with a pitcher and refilled Alexis's glass. She could not stop drinking. In between gulps, she asked "Are you trying to kill me? Yourself? Jeez, Julian."
He looked at her helplessly, wondering in retrospect if the habañero pepper had been a mistake. She looked miserable, and he wasn't sure how to help. Then he was hit by a flash of inspiration and went digging through the kitchen. He ran back to the dining room and handed her a small pouch with Elmo on the front.
-"Elmo? What the hell am I supposed to do with this Julian?"
-"In Indian restaurants they serve yogurt to help with the heat. This is…the only yogurt in the house."
Alexis was in too much pain to be embarrassed, and she quickly cracked open the top and started slurping. She assumed there was fruit in it, but she was unable to identify it. In fact, she was fairly certain she would never be able to taste anything again. But as she reached the end of the pouch, she started to feel relief. Her wide eyes looked at Julian as her sunken cheeks tried to extract the last drops of this new life-saving elixir.
-"More."
Julian ran to fulfill her request. By the time she finished the second pouch with Ernie emblazoned on the front, Alexis was feeling more like herself. Her mouth was numb, but she wasn't in pain and the face sweats appeared to have stopped. She politely but firmly pushed the chili away from her plate. "I appreciate the gesture, but I'm done."
-"But you only had one bite."
She looked at him like he was from Mars until she realized he was kidding.
-"Are you OK?" he asked seriously.
-"I am now."
-"No lasting effects?"
-"I don't think so, although I can't taste anything."
-"I'm sorry."
-"How much pepper is in that?"
-"Well I usually just cook it to taste."
-"Wait, you *tasted* that before you served it?"
-"Yeah. It was fine."
-"Were your taste buds forged on the sun?"
-"No. They were forged by the gods on Mt. Olympus. Along with the rest of me." She rolled her eyes before she started giggling and he joined her before shifting to sympathy. "Do you want me to order pizza?"
Alexis smiled. "No. I'm actually quite full of Elmo and Ernie. Besides, I don't trust you." Julian flinched involuntarily, and she jumped in, "I mean I don't trust you with anything associated with food. Because you just tried to kill me."
She tried to keep it light, but the moment had passed. He was looking intently at her wine glass. "Julian, I didn't mean—"
-"It's fine Alexis. I know what you meant. I just want to fix this. I don't know how."
She grabbed a clean wine glass and provided him with a generous pour. His look questioned her.
-"In vino veritas, Julian. Maybe the answers are at the bottom of this bottle." She was desperately trying to keep the mood easy. "It's OK to have a glass," she added conspiratorially. "I won't tell."
Julian looked at the wine and decided to follow her lead. He smiled "Well, if you do, I'll just show Danny photos of you slurping down his favorite Elmo yogurt."
-"You bastard! You're playing dirty with a toddler. I see your plan now. This was a setup—framing me to become the favorite grandparent. You are depraved, Julian Jerome."
-"Incorrigible"
-"Infamous"
-"Irredeemable."
She stopped smiling and looked into his eyes. "I hope not." Julian started to speak, and she cut him off.
-"Julian, I know I promised you a conversation about us tonight. But I just…" Her voice trailed off.
He looked down at his hands. "I know that what I did is probably unforgivable. But I love you too much to not try and make it right."
She nodded. "I just don't want to do this tonight. The last 48 hours have been mind numbing and tomorrow this house will be filled with Danny and Sam and Molly. And we'll need to work on clearing Sam. Everyone needs me and I just want to have the energy." Alexis looked at him, "I just want a night where there's nothing heavy. Where there aren't any life or death decisions. Where I'm not crying myself to sleep. Can we just…I don't know. Take a time out? Just for tonight?"
Julian looked at her and smiled. He stood up and extended his hand. "Sure. What do you have on the DVR?"
-"Not sure. Let's give it a whirl."
They moved to the couch, wine in hand. The DVR was filled to capacity with nature shows, Molly's soaps, 42 episodes of a show Sam planned to get to at some point, but nothing that held their interest. They moved to the channels and found an old Hitchcock movie on TMC. "Notorious" was halfway over, but Julian had never seen the end, so they decided to give it a shot.
The room was quiet as they made idle comments—about how Ingrid Bergman glowed or how Cary Grant's face held a trace of menace. At one point they tried to name as many movies as they could with Claude Raines in them. Alexis emerged the expert when she threw out Robin Hood to beat Julian's total. But for the most part, they watched the movie and quietly sipped their wine.
Normally the two would have been entwined on the couch. But Julian was sensitive to Alexis's state and decided to sit as close to her as he could get without touching. The distance wasn't exactly platonic, but it wasn't the tangle of limbs his body was yearning for either. The effort put into the seating arrangement didn't stop him from idly linking his right pinky with her left at some point during the movie.
She put her head back onto the couch and shut her eyes as the tension of the day was replaced by a new tension. She felt his fingers lightly trace the length of each of her own and she rotated her hand so he could explore her palm. The movie played in the background, and she could hear Cary Grant ministering to a sick Ingrid Bergman on screen. Alexis moved her fingers to trace his as he had traced hers. She felt the air around her thicken and she parted her lips slightly to better access the oxygen she needed.
Julian kept his eyes locked on the television, watching as the hero swept up a poisoned Bergman lying on her bed. As Grant declared his love for her, Julian's movements became more urgent. His right thumb made circles on Alexis's left palm and as he felt her extend her fingers so her hand was taut he applied more pressure with each circle. He had only touched her hand and he was overwhelmed. Julian turned to look at her and found her head back, lips parted and face flushed. He moved to put down the wine glass he had been clutching for dear life.
Alexis was on fire. The odd eroticism of the massage worked itself into every atom in her body. Somewhere she heard Ingrid Bergman saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you" but all her focus was on what Julian was doing to her hand. She felt the couch shift and her eyes opened. His heavy-lidded, black eyes held her own as their fingers continued to serve as a conductor for the current that ran between them.
His gaze didn't leave hers as he whispered, "It's a time-out, right?"
Alexis nodded as his head moved towards hers and kissed her lightly at first on the lips. He looked at her one last time and whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you," before closing his eyes and kissing her. All that connected them were their mouths and hands. Julian had a fleeting thought that he didn't want to wake up on the couch alone before surrendering to the sensations of the kiss and the hand massage that continued. Alexis felt she couldn't breathe and Julian was her only source of oxygen. She wasn't sure where he started and she began, but the only way to relieve the tension that crushed her was to surrender to it.
Neither one could tell how long they sat on the couch kissing. Julian was the first to shift position as he slipped his left arm under her legs and lifted her as he stood. The television droned on, but he wasn't going to break the connection to turn off the TV. He opened his eyes as a concession to practicality as he carried her up the stairs to her room.
They lay naked on the bed with their legs entwined facing each other. Streetlights from outside provided the only illumination on the room, but they were close enough to make out the eyes of the other as their breath intertwined. They had made love slowly, breaking their tradition of frenzied coupling after an extended absence. The intensity continued after the release and neither wanted to break it.
-"I love you."
-"I know. I love you, too."
-"I'd give up anything for you, you know that, right?"
-"Yes."
The room was silent as Alexis scooted to get closer, positioning her head beneath his chin. It was the first time in hours she wasn't looking at him, but the wall of his chest in front of her and his head above her created a cocooning effect: she was safe and surrounded.
-"I'm afraid," she mumbled into her makeshift confessional.
-"Of what?" He whispered in her ear. "There's nothing under the bed. I checked."
She gave a throaty laugh, "When? I'm pretty sure you were only checking out one thing when we got in this room."
He laughed and kissed the top of her head. "You're right. I'm actually just *hoping* there's nothing under the bed."
She lazily replied, "My hero isn't going to look?"
-"Nope. That requires moving, and I'm not letting go of you. If there is a monster down there, he can take me like this."
-"He gets me, too."
-"Good. Then we go together."
-"Great." She sighed, "Now I have 'Grease' in my head."
Julian dropped his voice an octave and shattered the quiet by singing "Like shama lama lama dingidy ding a dong."
They giggled together. "Wow. That was…terrible. Good thing you could rock that leather jacket."
-"I could rock it, huh? How hot was I? Come on, it's just us here. You can tell me."
She tilted her head up to look at him. "I'm pretty sure I told you the six thousand other times you've asked. You were so hot, I got pregnant." Alexis kissed his chin before snuggling back into his chest.
He lazily ran his hand up and down her arm. He murmured, "So. What are you afraid of?"
Alexis was quiet as she shifted, still on her side and curling her hands up to her chin as she snuggled against him.
-"Losing."
-"Sam's case."
-"No. I mean yes. Losing Sam. Or Molly. Or Danny. Or Kristina…or you."
-"I won't let him hurt you, Alexis. I'll never let him hurt any of you." He put his arms around her and pulled her into his body so her head rested on his chest.
-"Not just like that. I'm afraid that Sam is going to go to jail. Or that Molly will never forgive me. Or that I have to give you up."
Julian was quiet for a while. "You know what I'm afraid of?" he mumbled.
-"No."
-"Losing you." She was silent as he continued. "At first I thought, I could live without you as long as you were alive. That it was better to let you go and have you breathing than to not have you at all. And it is, by the way."
-"Thanks. That's encouraging to hear."
-"But the last month has taught me something, and it's that I'm not that selfless. I want to be here. Like this. Always."
-"Julian, I—"
-"Shhh. Not finished yet. I know you have to choose, and I know that you may not be able to choose me. But I'll wait Alexis. I'll wait two weeks or two years or two decades. But I'm never giving up on this." He turned her face up to look at him. "So you do what you have to do. And if you let me go, I'm going to be your friend. And I'm going to wait."
She leaned up to kiss him, her eyes dangerously close to spilling tears. "You're going to wait, huh? Just be my friend. That sounds like something that requires a lot of…patience."
-"Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm hoping for the two weeks as opposed to two decades. And I'm not saying that as your friend, I won't try to change your mind with stolen kisses or shoulder rubs or hand massages."
-"That last one was a winner."
-"Fuck yeah it was."
She curled back into his chest. The room was quiet, and she worked to match her breathing in time with his. Julian's had slowed.
-"Julian? Are you awake?"
A drowsy response of "yes" could be heard.
Alexis shifted her body so she lay on top of him. She pulled herself up his torso until they were face to face.
-"The only place I feel safe and whole is right here. And if I have to give you up, well, it won't be two decades. I'm not a patient person either."