She couldn't make it through the funeral. Jason had left last night to arrange all the paperwork for transferring funds to her mother as fast as possible. He'd given them five hundred in cash to pay immediate bills and get food until either his money or her dad's last paycheck arrived. She didn't expect him to miss more business meetings with his patent coming up or to show up for a very public event by attending the funeral. The wake last night had been so impossibly packed with extended family, friends, and dozens of her dad's coworkers over the years.
Her mom had sobbed through most of the wake, and the aunts were comforting her now in the vestibule of the church before Mass started. Her mom needed to get this over with. She wandered outside, unable to stand all the tears. Sitting on the step overlooking a forest preserve, she closed her eyes and felt the cold January wind caress her skin. "I miss you, Daddy," she whispered, tears sliding down her cheeks. She couldn't forget how he looked in the casket. So still and pale. He should have been laughing and chatting about anything and everything.
Nana came outside and stepped down with her cane.
She brushed her eyes. "Nana, you shouldn't be out here in the cold."
"Neither should you. I can't take everyone crying." She worked her old bones down on the step and rested her gnarled old hands on the top of the cane. Her eyes, milky with cateracts, stared out over the blanket of snow covering the trees. "I shouldn't outlive my son."
She rested a hand over Nana's.
"But he wouldn't want us to be sad like this. You picked out beautiful flowers. All colorful spring ones like he would've wanted."
Her lip quivered.
"Where is this beau of yours? I called the house on your birthday, but your father said I missed you. He said you have quite a wonderful man who is so crazy about you. This young man told your father that he loves you."
Her head whipped to Nana. "He what?"
Nana smiled, her leathery face looking happy for a moment. "Your father said he'd never seen you so happy. He said he heard wedding bells in the distance."
Looking away, she remained silent. Jason might rather run than get married and risk his wife seeing his face.
"I want to be a great-nana before I go. And I'll spit in the Devil's eye if he thinks he's taking me any sooner."
"You have three great-grandchildren."
"But I want them from you." Her eyes studied the woods. "Out of all the grandchildren, you are the one with the largest heart. With everything you've endured, you've become the strongest. You deserve happiness. Now, you're cousin Bill could use a good beating," she said, referring to the lawyer who thought he was God's gift to man.
She sorted, trying not to smile. "Nana, you shouldn't say such things."
"You see? He used to pull your hair and steal your share of my cookies for you grandkids, but you defend him. Where is this man who is amazing enough to have stolen your heart?"
She flushed. "He's working on some things to help Mom. I didn't tell him about the funeral today."
"Lover's spat?"
"Nana!"
She shrugged. "I was young once."
"He was in a fire and his face got burned quite bad. He prefers to not be in public, Nana."
"A good man would not let that hold him back when you need him here. Or are you afraid he is that man and would show up? That's why you didn't tell him?" Her old eyes suddenly seemed so clear.
She looked down at her lap with a heavy heart. "I won't let him make himself a spectacle. I can see him tonight." But what she wouldn't give to have him here for support.
"You always were too stubborn for your own good," Nana sighed. "Come. It's time to go in."
She helped Nana inside but then hung back.
Her mom walked over, her eyes red. "Baby, where were you? Come, we're supposed to walk with the ca, casket." She burst into tears again.
"Mom? Do you want to walk with Aunt Tammie?" She sniffled. She couldn't walk with her and not break down sobbing herself.
"But you'll be alone-"
"I can't, Mommy," she whimpered. "I'm sorry."
Her mom hugged her tight. "Do what you need, baby." She kissed her brow.
The procession started. Her mom and Nana and aunts and uncles walked with the casket. Then her cousins followed with their families. Being alone at the end would be easier.
The church was nearly full. She stepped in, suddenly so isolated and scared. Her mom was too far ahead, and the aisle wasn't wide enough to slip past everyone to catch up. The procession was so long that her mom already started taking a seat in the front pew. The grief swelled up, and she couldn't see through the tears. Her knees weakened and her heart pounded. It hurt to breathe. She couldn't do this. She couldn't endure this kind of pain.
The procession continued, leaving her behind at the back of the church. She stood frozen. The churning of her stomach made her breathe deeply. Her hands shook and silent tears streamed down her cheeks. Movement out of the corner of her eye made her turn her head. Jason walked down the pew toward her. A sob ripped out of her throat. He'd come. Somehow he'd found out about the funeral and come.
Slipping her arm through his, he started leading her down the aisle. "You can do this," he said quietly, his gaze lending strength. He handed her a handkerchief.
She clung to him and dabbed at her eyes as they started down the aisle. They were so far behind that all eyes turned to them. Everyone stared at him, and some people whispered. But Jason stood tall and calm, his steps sure as they walked down the center aisle.
"You weren't supposed to come," she sniffled.
His head turned to look down at her with love. "I told you that you're not alone, sweetheart." He led her to the front pew to sit beside her mother. When she sat but didn't let go of him, he sat on her other side.
Her mom gave him a watery smile and then wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Jason held her hand in her lap.
They made it through the funeral. Her head pounded from crying so much. Everyone started funneling into the large room in back of the vestibule for lunch. She and Jason sat in the back pew of the empty church, with his arm stretched out behind her and around her shoulders. She rested her head on his shoulder with her eyes closed, simply absorbing his strength.
"Thank you for coming."
He frowned. "Am I going somewhere now?"
She looked at him. "There will be questions if you come to lunch. Questions and gossip and..." A wary sigh escaped her.
He was silent. "I'll be wherever you want me, Emma. If you want me there, I'll be there."
Shaking her head, she stood. "You've already endured stares."
He caught her hand and looked up at her. "I'm used to the stares, but I know you're not. The questions and gossip are already there, whether I show up at lunch or not." He stood and cupped her face in his hands.
Her eyes drifted shut. His touch felt so good and calming after the exhaustion and stress of the last few days.
All the walls were stripped from his eye, completely vulnerable and honest. The beauty of it stole her breath away. "I endure lies and forced pleasantries from everyone, Emma. I count on you to be honest with me. I think you want me there, but I'm not sure if you're scared of the questions or if I shame you."
Her brow furrowed with a broken heart. "You don't shame me. Why would you think that?"
He shook his head. "I have to guess what the reasons might be if you don't tell me." A wrinkle of concern marred his brow.
"Of course I want you, but I'm scared that some of them might make you ashamed. Some of my cousins aren't kind." Tears shimmered on her lashes. "Today is hard enough without watching you get hurt too."
His eye looked into hers. "Today is about helping you. I have a tougher skin than you think. I don't care what they'll say. If it means anything to you for me to be there, I want to be. I can handle anything that comes at us as long as we support each other."
She wrapped her arms around him. "Why did you take so long to come?"
"I came twenty minutes early but couldn't find you."
"No, why did you wait until the car accident to come?"
He laughed softly and kissed her hair. "I think you more came to me. I didn't think I'd drive you off the edge that soon, though."
For the first time in nearly a week, she laughed. And then melted into tears.
"Sweetheart, it will get better," he promised and pulled her down in his lap to hold her tight.
Once she sufficiently soaked his handkerchief and suit jacket, there were no more tears left for the moment.
He stroked her hair down her back. "You must have a headache by now. I can go see if someone has any pain reliever."
She breathed deep, stress making her stomach churn. His cool hand rested on her brow.
He picked her up and carried her into a single stall bathroom. She didn't even look to see who stared. He eased her onto her feet and she immediately got sick in the sink. He held her hair back and turned on the water to lay a cold rag on the back of her neck as she rinsed her mouth. "Emma, you don't even have food in your stomach." He sounded frustrated. "Your body can't handle this stress when you don't even eat. You look like you're barely sleeping." He mopped her brow, and his temper calmed. "I know it's eating you up that you didn't get to say goodbye." His voice cracked. Her eyes flew to him. "I wish I would've gotten you there sooner." Tears shimmered in his eye. His guilt sliced her soul. "He knew you loved him. How could he not, Emma?"
Tears ran down her face. "I don't blame you. God, Jason, you brought in the helicopter."
"Emma, you are getting so weak. You can't do this to yourself much longer." His tear slipped down. "I can even see through your clothes that you've lost weight in less than a week."
He was scared. She turned away toward the sink and looked down. He didn't understand what it felt like, even though he should have after losing both parents. "I'm fine." Her voice echoed flat against the walls.
"No, you're not. Look at me." With reluctance, she raised her eyes to his in the mirror. He stepped up behind her. "You have dark circles under your eyes that didn't used to be there. Your cheeks are a bit hollow." He traced the line of a cheekbone that stuck out. Then his hands cupped her hips. "I can feel your hip bones where soft curves used to be. You're starving, Emma," he whispered. "It would eat your father alive to see you doing this to yourself. Your mother is either too caught up in grief or afraid to see it, but I do. And I'm not going to let you hurt yourself like this."
Her lip quivered and face crumpled. "My stomach hurts from being hungry. I throw up if I eat more than a tablespoon of food."
"Oh god," he whispered and closed his eye in relief. Then he turned her and hugged her tight. "I thought you were so depressed you were doing this on purpose. We'll start with liquids and shakes, and work up to solids. I wish you would've told me yesterday."
"I was so embarassed," she whispered against his shoulder. "People who lose spouses hold it together better than this."
"Emma, you are you. There is no right or wrong way to handle grief. Please be honest and tell me these things. Hiding things are what break down a relationship. You know that I eat and drink worse than a toddler. I'd think that's humiliation at one of its finest."
She shook her head.
"Why?" His voice was firm.
"Because I want you to trust me. You shouldn't be humiliated to tell me anything."
"That's very sound advice," he said pointedly. She cracked a smile. She'd walked right into that one.
She exited with him and caught her mom's sad smile across the room. Her mom seemed happy that she'd found Jason. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him. The dear man gave an encouraging smile even though he was the one who walked into the lion's den.
He tugged her over to the food bar and pulled aside a kitchen staff member. "Do you have a blender?"
The young man blinked at Jason's mask and then the request. "Yes."
"Would you be so kind as to blend up some of the fruit with a bit of milk?"
"A shake?"
"Yes." They waited a couple minutes before the man brought it out with a straw. "Thank you so much." Jason handed it to her. "Take it easy, and it will likely sit well. The cold will help with nausea too." He wrapped his arm around her.
She flushed. Of course he'd know exactly how to fix things. "Thank you." She sipped, the cold working wonders on her tense stomach. He looked at her anxiously and smiled when she nodded. Taking his hand, she led him over to Nana, who had just sat down at an empty table with a plate of food.
"Ah, this is your man. Sit, sonny." She patted a seat.
She sat with Jason. "This is...Dad's mom..." her voice trailed away with grief.
He stepped in. "Jason Port, Mrs. Hoplin." He extended a hand, and Nana took it. Instead of shaking it, he gently held it in both of his for a moment. "I'm so sorry for your loss. I only had the pleasure of meeting him once, but he seemed like such a wonderful man."
Nana swallowed hard and nodded. "He spoke very highly of you. I talked to him a couple hours before... He said our Emmie had found a good man to take care of her."
His face reddened a bit, and he slipped a hand into hers with a tender look. "She's an amazing woman."
She flushed.
Nana's face grew stern. "How long have you known her?"
Uh oh. Here came the fire drill.
"A bit over a month, ma'm."
Then came some questions about his profession. "And this fire you were in, did it impede your ability to have children?"
"Nana!"
He remained utterly composed. "Not that I'm aware of."
"Good. I told Emmie I refuse to perish until she makes me a great-Nana. I'm approaching my ninetieth year, sonny. I suggest you wed and fill her belly with babies soon."
"You are eighty, Nana, and you have three great-grandkids, with Jen about to give you another." She pointed across the room at her very pregnant cousin. "And you are not talking about virility with my boyfriend!" She started to stand, utterly mortified.
"Emmie wants five children, sonny. Get busy."
Her mouth fell open, and she pulled Jason to his feet. "It's not five, Nana," she muttered.
Nana shrugged. "It makes a man less panicky to find out it's only half."
Jason burst out laughing. "Good point, madam. I believe Emma wants me to meet more family. I hope to see you soon." Emma started pulling him away.
"I won't kick the bucket until she delivers that baby!" Nana called.
The room fell dead silent and everyone stared at them. All eyes flew to her flat belly. Her mom looked shocked. She flushed ten shades of red.
Jason laughed and said loud enough for the room to hear, "No pressure, Jen." Everyone slowly started talking again. "Okay, the day can't get more awkward than that," he whispered with a twinkle in his eye. "Is the shake holding?"
She shook her head. "It was."
Her mom came over after a few minutes with a tight smile. "Emma, in the bathroom, please."
She bit her lip and looked at Jason. "I think it's going to get a lot more awkward."
In the bathroom, her mom shut the door and locked it. "Are you pregnant?!"
"No! Mom, Nana started grilling Jason and saying she's not going to die until I get married and have a baby. Apparently she has Jason lined up as the sacrifical lamb."
"Are you telling me the truth?"
"Yes! Ask Jason. Ask Nana."
She heaved a sigh. "Alright. I'd better be the first one to know after Jason, though."
"Why is everyone assuming Jason would be the father?" She threw up her hands and walked out.
Jason stood in a circle talking with five of her male cousins. He held a drink in his hand but obviously didn't sip from it. They must have pressed him into accepting something. He smiled when she returned to him, making it impossible to tell the mood of the conversation. "I got you a gingerale."
"Oh. Thank you." She took it and sipped.
"Morning sickness hit my wife hard too," one cousin said in empathy.
She froze.
"It hit Jen hard the first three months. But she probably had less stress not being an unwed woman," Bill said and looked down his nose at her.
How did he make her feel ashamed when she wasn't even pregnant?
Jason shifted beside her. "I don't care for the rumor you're spreading about Emma. Or your tone." Steel undertones carried through his words. The other men looked at Bill and then Jason and stepped back.
"I wouldn't want people to think that's why a woman was with me either. That mask is flattering, by the way." He held up a drink, as if in cheers, and took a cocky swig.
Jason opened his mouth, but she laughed and cut in. "Yeah, I guess that's why you knocked Jen up before your wedding-to keep her from running. It's amazing, just when I think you're growing up, you do something like this and totally redeem yourself!" She thumped Bill's arm, his face blank trying to figure out if she was insulting him. "And just for the record when I do get pregnant, stay back because I get nauseous seeing your face. Wouldn't want puke on your suit."
Jason snorted back a laugh.
Bill sputtered and stormed away. The other men and Jason burst out laughing.
"That was totally awesome, Emma! About time someone busted his balls," one of her cousins said.
"He's such an ass," another one said in disgust.
Jason wrapped his arms around her from behind and whispered in her ear, "Very sexy seeing you stand up for yourself, love. Bravo."
She smiled and relaxed back against his chest.
"So, I hear you guys are pretty serious?" one of the guys asked.
His arms loosened around her to rest his hands on her shoulders, probably for propriety knowing Jason. "I am, as long as she can stand me," he teased, skillfully diverting gossip.
Her favorite cousin came over, who was nearly as tall as Jason. She held out a hand to Jason and batted her blue eyes. "Andy, Emma's cousin. I overheard Bill ranting about Emma ripping him a new one, and I just had to come over and see who has finally made our Emma bold enough to stand up for herself."
Jason shook her hand. "A pleasure. Jason Port. Emma did it all herself." He smiled.
Andy grabbed Emma's arm. "I have to steal her for one minute." Andy pulled her to the side and tossed her own long blonde curls over a shoulder. Andy bent down a bit to her own height, as she was want to do when ready to gossip privately. "Dish. You have to tell me where you got a hunk like that. And what's with the mask? And how serious are you? If you dump him, can I have him?"
She laughed. "He's a cardiologist."
Andy grabbed her arm. "No! Oh my god, can I have him?"
"No," she smiled. It felt good to have some girl talk and get away from the funeral for a bit. "I had that car accident."
"Yeah..." Andy looked like a dog waiting for a bone.
"He found me and pulled me out before the car went over the cliff. I was unconscious for it and woke up at his house during the blizzard."
Her mouth fell open and eyes lit up. "Holy shit. Did he ravish you? I could stand a ravishing by a guy like that."
"Andy! You're married and have two kids!"
She waved a hand. "Yeah, to Mr. Boring Earth Science Professor," she grumbled. "I can fantasize, can't I? So, he ravished you?"
"No! He's such a gentleman. Okay, except for when we made out in the hall at the opera," she flushed.
"Oh my god! You didn't!" She fluttered a hand in her face. "Was it hot? I have to live vicariously through you." She grabbed her arm. "Tell me."
Her face flushed hard. "It was so hot," she whispered with a shy smile.
"I knew it! What's with the mask? Is there some deep tragic story behind it?"
She bit her lip, her smile dying. "He was in a fire."
"Oh god!" She threw her head back. "This keeps getting better!" She started waving her hands. "It's like, terrible and traumatic, but he loves you so much he trusts you to tell you these things. Did he show you?" She grabbed her arm again. "It's like, terribly romantic if he's shown you. Like a true love kind of thing."
She frowned. "Andy, he was burned severely. How is that romantic?"
"Like one of those great love stories. You know, the tragic hero, the strong heroine. Oh my god, you have to call me when he proposes. I want every detail."
She rolled her eyes but couldn't seriously be mad at Andy. "If you say 'oh my god' one more time, I'm going to walk away. And what makes you think he's going to propose? We've only known each other for a month."
Andy used both hands to grab her arm this time. "He is so head over heels for you. Any idiot can see it. Oh my god, can I be a bridesmaid?"
"Bridesmaid?" a deep voice asked.
She turned to see Jason. His hand rested on her lower back as he stepped beside her. "Andy was just talking about something."
Andy was all smiles. "So, Emma says you're a cardiologist." She twirled a lock of hair around her finger.
She inwardly groaned. Andy was never up to any good when she twirled her hair.
"Well, technically not practicing. Designing patents more now."
Andy looked at her with big eyes and mouthed, 'oh my god, he's rich.' Then she beamed a smile at Jason. "You know Emma is a whiz with numbers and is trying to get into medical writing. It's, like, a perfect match for your profession."
"What? Medical writing doesn't have anything to do with patents." Could Andy be any more blatant?
"Well, it does a little," Jason said.
Andy gave her a pointed look. "She, like, graduated in the top ten of her class. Didn't date much, but she's totally wife material."
"Andy!" she gaped.
Jason choked trying to hold back a chuckle.
"What? I'm just saying." Andy held out her hands innocently and looked at her. Then she looked at Jason. "Can I asked how much you can benchpress?"
Jason blinked. "Pardon?" She couldn't have heard Andy right either.
"Benchpress." Andy looked like it was the most normal conversation.
"The last time I did a few months ago it was three hundred, but that was for a SEAL physical. Am I missing something here?"
Andy fanned her face. "Oh my god. You're a SEAL too?"
She buried her face in her hands. Andy was practically drooling.
"I was but obviously not now. I'm more backup now if there's some kind of emergency in the mountains being I can get onsite before anyone else."
She looked at him in surprise.
"Oh my god. Excuse me." Andy held up a finger to Jason and looked at her. "You have to marry him; otherwise, I will divorce my husband." Andy grabbed Jason's hand and shook it in both of hers. "So nice to meet you. Oh, you have big hands." Andy continued shaking it and gave her a pointed look.
She stepped between them, breaking the handshake. "Go, or I will put a restaining order on you." She waved a hand to shoo her away.
When Andy picked her tongue up off the floor and left, Jason turned to her. "Did I miss something?"
"Yeah. You were almost jumped at my dad's funeral." She rubbed her temples. He blinked. "Don't look so shocked. I told you that you're hot."
He shook his head with a smile. "Your family is certainly interesting." Then he looked at her seriously. "Love, let me ask your mother if she has pain reliever in her purse. If she's like mine, she'll have any kind of first aid in there." He helped her sit and then walked over to her mom. He returned a minute later. "Here's acetaminophen." She swallowed the pills, and he stood behind her rubbing her neck.
Andy caught her eye across the room and mouthed, 'oh my god,' and pointed to her own neck. As if she couldn't feel Jason giving her a neck rub.
He chuckled. "Andy is vivacious. I don't think I want to know what kind of trouble you two got into as kids."
"She has a good heart, but her mouth has no filter sometimes." She rubbed her eyes. "I'm so tired," she sighed. The weight of the world felt heavier every few minutes.
"It's almost over, sweetheart." His hands moved down to her shoulders.
Her mom walked over, dabbing at her eyes again. "We're going to the grave." Then she burst into tears.
She was too weary to cry anymore but stood and hugged her mom.
"Do you know what he loved most?" her mom hiccupped. "He said hugging you was like hugging Heaven because of how much joy it gave him."
The aching in her chest started again, making it hurt to take a breath. She broke down in tears.
Jason stood back for a minute, letting them have their moment together. "Alright, I hear him threatening to castrate me if I let you two cry anymore. The thought of him being able to hunt me down at a moment's notice now has me more terrified than ever." His voice held a hint of laughter, and he wrapped his arms around them.
They burst into tearful laughter.
Jason drove her in a rental car in the procession while her mom rode with the aunts. She heaved a sigh of relief and closed her eyes as they started driving. "Fifteen minutes of peace." His hand slipped into hers in her lap and gave a gentle squeeze. Leaning forward, she flipped on the radio, needing escape from everything. Old big band music played. Closing her eyes, she relaxed and held his hand.
"Emma?" Someone shook her shoulder. She blinked and looked around to see they were parked in a graveyard. "Love, you fell asleep." Jason stood in the open passenger doorway and leaned over to unbuckle her.
"Sorry." She rubbed her eyes.
"You're exhausted. It's almost over, sweetheart." He helped her slide out, concern mounting in his eyes.
She remained dry eyed for the burial, even when she had to toss a handful of dirt into the grave with her mom. Then she looked at her mom, who nodded. Taking Jason's hand, she pulled him forward. He searched her eye for a moment, seeming surprised they wanted him to be part of it. Scooping up a handful, he tossed dirt in too.
Jason drove them back home, everyone silent. Everything was numb, as if watching a dream happen from the outside. She stared out at the passing houses, not really seeing them. He pulled into the drive and got out. Then he opened the door for her mom and offered a hand. She opened her door, and he stepped around to help her. When she stood, spots monopolized her vision. Jason said something, but his voice rang tingy and distant. Then everything went black.
"Emma? Emma, wake up." Jason sounded nervous.
Something warm and wet licked her hand.
She blinked to see her mom and Jason leaning over. Looking around, she tried to push herself up. She was laying on the sofa. Prince whined and thumped his tail before licking her hand again.
Jason pressed her shoulders back down. "Your pulse is still weak." He sat back on his heels and looked from her up to her mom. "She's losing weight and not able to eat without throwing up. It's lucky that fainting is the worst thing that's happened." He shook his head. "That's it. You both need a break. You're staying at my place for awhile."
Her mom nodded, looking as worried as Jason.
Relief swept through the depths of her soul. She was going home.