Warning: AU –Second World War
M-Rated!Contains coarse language, violent imaginary related to the context of war, and sex.
I do not own South Park. I do not own anything. I wish I was that f* genius!
January 1948 brought as usual a cold and snowy winter.
However, the nights at the Cat's Hat were heated by the warm music flowing from the different instruments. A strong complicity had evolved between Kyle and Token as musicians. They often played songs based purely on improvisation. One defied the other, resulting in amazing spontaneous compositions. After an energetic 7 minute long jam between the saxophone and the violin, the two young artists took a break. They left the podium, while the rest of the band played a pleasant and jovial background tune. The cheerful ovation went on for a while and only died out when the two musicians took their usual places by the bar's tables. Despite Kyle and Token having become quite good friends, they still always preferred to sit on separated places during the pauses. Token stayed with his girlfriend Nichole, while Kyle sat with Kenny. Today the blonde sat between two gorgeous girls he had made acquaintance some days ago. The redhead couldn't hide a grin at his friend's helplessly perverse mind. He joined the trio and sat down while he brushed some of his messy curls away from his eyes.
"Oh my God, you're so hot!" One of the girls exclaimed in a high-pitch voice, sounding overenthusiastic and somewhat hysterical. Kyle widened his eyes at the comment and blushed uncontrollably. He was getting more and more of this kind of comments lately, most of them coming from Kenny's girlfriends. "Awww! You look so cute now with your rosy cheeks!" She playfully pinched his cheek. Kyle laughed awkwardly at the gesture and gave Kenny the what-the-hell look. The blonde barked an amused laughter at his shy friend.
"Meet Kate." Kenny said, introducing the girl that had just harassed the Jew. "And Dana." He added, strengthening his grip around the second girl's waist, who giggled and planted a chaste kiss on the blonde's nose. "Kate here, is a big fan of yours."
"Is she really?" Kyle said smiling kindly at her, but wishing he could hide in some hole. She was failing disgracefully in giving him a seductive look. Kate was clearly tipsy, her Martini glass practically empty.
"Yeah, you're quite the passionate violinist." Kate joked with a slurry voice, her eyes unfocused. "Are you this passionate with everything?" She asked while whispering and leaning a bit over. She rested her hand on his thigh and Kyle stiffened immediately. He forced a sympathetic smile, while he politely removed her hand. Kate looked a bit surprised and a little offended. Although the Jew's smile didn't leave his lips, his eyes clearly told her to back off. Kenny didn't miss the threatening look and whispered something in Dana's ear. She nodded with a smile and stood up.
"I'm going to the ladies room." Dana announced while her hand rested on Kate's shoulder, signing her to come along. When both girls left the table, an uncomfortable tension installed itself between the two friends. Kyle was still feeling rather uncomfortable about Kate's advances, but it was the upset look his roommate was giving that came as the most unsettling to him.
"I'll never figure out why girls always insist to go together to the restroom." Kyle said in a nervous chuckle, wondering why his friend was giving him such a piercing look. Where did all that tension come from anyway?
"You must be the chastest guy I've ever met!" Kenny simply blurted. He had meant to say it as a joke, but the words had come out more hostile than he had expected. The redhead sensed immediately the accusation and his brow furrowed in confusion and irritation.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kyle asked defensively, wondering what this was all about. Kenny sighed annoyed and shifted in his chair. He leaned over to whisper so nobody else would listen to them.
"Seriously, Kyle. Who's the guy that slips a girl's hand away from his leg?"
"Kenny!" The Jew scolded upset. "I don't fucking know her from anywhere!"
"So what? She likes you." Kenny quickly said. "She's a good girl, Kyle."
"She may be. But I'm not comfortable with her being this physical this quickly!" The redhead said irritated.
Kenny again sighed annoyed. He never expected his friend to be this resilient to girls' advances. He's been bringing more girls lately to the club, hoping Kyle would at least show interest in one. Alas for him, the only girl the redhead ever showed some mild interest was Nichole, Token's girlfriend. Kenny didn't miss the Jew's fleeting looks and sweet smiles, but knowing him and his high (and sometimes irritating) moral standards, nothing would ever evolve between the two of them. What frustrated Kenny the most was that Kyle, with his good looks and astonishing musical talent, was becoming increasingly popular among the female population.
The blonde knew all his friend had to do was smile and a horde of girls would fall to his knees without second thought. Whether Kyle was oblivious about this or simply didn't care was a mystery to Kenny. Why didn't he take the chance? He could have any girl he wanted. Any! And yet, he avoided to interact with girls. When he chatted with one (in which case, she would corner him and he had no escape and other choice but talk with her) he always kept a safe distance, like if he formed some invisible barrier around him. The subject of conversation would remain on a highly superficial level, the tension and distance around him always present. Kenny witnessed Kyle shutting all girls out, never allowing anybody to come even near his heart. The blonde feared Kyle would grow old in a self-created solitary world. Kenny could not allow such a fate to his good friend.
"Come on, Kyle. Go out with her. Even if it's only one time. Just give it a try." Kenny practically pled. All he wanted was for Kyle to find love again. So he could heal his wounds and be happy again.
"Look Kenny, I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but I really don't want to…" Kyle quickly said but Kenny cut his words.
"You're not a priest, for God's sake! Give love a chance, dude!" Kenny ardently said, his annoyance and despair for his friend's stubbornness increasing. But he regretted his words immediately. The blonde witnessed Kyle's face change completely. The annoyance that was present in his features just a moment ago, vanished completely and was replaced by a look of dread. Kenny saw for his horror hurt fill the green eyes completely the moment he mentioned love. And realized, Kyle was far from being over Eric Cartman's death. "Oh Kyle, you cannot mourn for the rest of your life." Kenny compassionately said and Kyle bit his under lip, fighting his emotions back, urging to repress them.
"You d-don't get it, Kenny." Kyle said in a choked voice, his gaze avoiding the blue eyes. "It's like…time doesn't exist at all. I do try, believe me. I do try to live life day by day, see and cherish the things I have, forget what I have lost, but…" The redhead released a shaking sigh. It was still so fresh. The wound still bled like the day announced Eric's death. It still hurt as badly as that moment. Less piercing perhaps, but the numbness was there, all the time to remind him Eric was no more. "When I see couples together, I'm reminded of a life I once had…a happiness I once shared with him. When I see couples in love, I'm reminded of the warm feeling, the security, the completion love is…And I…I…"
"You are scared to find love again and get over him. You are afraid of dishonoring his memory by finding somebody else. Because you still feel bounded to him. You are still loyal to him." Kenny finished Kyle's chains of thought. The redhead bit his tongue, feeling agony wanting to burst out of him, the reality being too confronting, too bitter, too cruel to bare. So he silently nodded. Kenny gave him a compassionate look. He rested his hand on Kyle's arm and the redhead lifted his eyes to meet the blue wise gaze. "You cannot continue living this way. You're in pain. All the time. It's like this aura of sadness, of melancholy is always around you. You have to let him go."
Kenny's last words were spoken with urgency. Their gazes were locked. A silence fell between the two friends. The cheerful music coming from the stage was more than contrasting with the sorrowful sphere that emerged between them. The pain in the forest green was so deep, the sadness so profound, that Kenny wondered if Kyle would ever come out of this never-ending depression. The blonde had struck right in Kyle's wound, only to discover it wasn't even healing, it wasn't scarring at all. It was still open and bleeding. It had been like this all the time. Kenny realized, the emotions were still too raw for Kyle. Too raw to move on.
"I can't." Kyle finally managed to murmur. His voice was a hoarse whisper. "I can't let…" He sighed unable to say the rest of the sentence. He gently shook his head. He wanted to verbalize what was going on in his mind and in his heart. But the emotions were too powerful. "I'm not ready. I know it has been more than half a year, but it still feels so…" He paused. Words came out as broken fragments. His face almost contorted of pain as he fought back the tears that were already threatening to spill. "I'm sorry, Kenny. I-I just cannot go out dating. Not now, at least."
Kenny stared back at his friend with concern. He was shocked with the amount of sorrow Kyle still carried in his heart. And felt guilty for bringing up the subject. Kenny did have the best intentions. He did truly believe that meeting a girl, going out a few times with her, would help Kyle distract himself. Would help to slowly forget the pain. Would help Kyle realize there was more in the world to see and live. That there were people out there full of love and willing to give it and share it. But Kenny felt guilty for making a decision for his friend, while it wasn't even his place to do such a thing. Because he was not the regular 22-year old man. He knew some wounds took longer to heal than others. And Kyle's wound was rooted deep in his soul. He knew the redhead would eventually come out of this depressive state. But he needed time. A lot of time. Who was he to decide when it was the right time for his friend to move on, anyway?
"No, I'm the one that's sorry." Kenny truthfully apologized. "It's just, I hate to see you always so miserable. I just wanted to help."
"I know Kenny. And I really appreciate it. Truly." Kyle said while his eyes finally gave away to the emotions and watered. "You have no idea how supportive you've been. You've been such a good friend, from day one…You have no idea." Kyle wiped out a tear that escaped his eyes with a soft embarrassed giggle. "You're a blessing in my life. Really." Kyle said with such sincerity that Kenny felt a knot in his throat and almost cursed Kyle for his emotional state and sincere speech. Because nobody had ever said such kind words to him. Kenny felt truly loved. It was a deep solid brotherly love. The same type he feels for his little sister Karen. The one that made him want to protect her when they were kids. And now, Kenny wanted to protect Kyle.
"And I am blessed to have you in my live. For you are the brother I should have had." Kenny whispered. His older brother Kevin was a perfect stranger to him. He was a heavy drinker since his pre-teens, something he inherited from their parents. Kevin was usually too drunk to have a coherent conversation with anybody and had become increasingly violent with the passing of years. Things escalated to the point of Kenny choosing to break completely the family ties with his big brother. The little and rare news he received from him always came from their sister. Kyle smiled at the warm words, being very aware of his friend's difficult childhood and tense relationship with his family.
"Thank you." The redhead wasn't able to verbalize anything else. He wiped a few tears from his face with a suppressed chuckle and his smiled widened into a grin. "I'm going back to the stage. You may keep both girls for yourself." He stood up laughing while Kenny yelled his typical "woo-hooo". Later on, Kyle would have to do his best to ignore his friend's public display of affection, switching repugnant glances with Token and the other members of the band.
At the end of the evening, Kyle was as usual, one of the last people to leave the Cat's Hat. There were still some clients sitting by the tables, chatting cheerfully, while they finished their drinks. All the musicians had left, with the exception of Token, who sat at his usual corner with Nichole's company. Kenny had long left the Cat's Hat with his dates and the redhead knew he would only see his friend the following evening. Kyle paid goodbye to a couple that were loyal clients, who enjoyed chatting with him before heading back home. The moment they left the club, Kyle's wide happy smile dissipated like the morning mist and an expression made out of depressive exhaustion installed itself on his young features. He headed to the bar and looked at the bartender.
"The usual?" The black man asked, while he cleaned a glass. Kyle took out a small box from his pocket, pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips. With trembling fingers, he lightened its head and he took a few huffs with a bit more force than he should. He slowly exhaled the smoke, his face loosening a bit, as the nicotine clearly relaxed him.
"Yes, please." Kyle said in a miserable tone.
He hated the need of going through this every night he was at the club, but he couldn't help it. Few knew about this habit. The bartender, Token and Nichole. Fortunately, none of them ever had the interest or need to warn Kenny about his little routine. He was sure the blonde would scold him, but this was a way he had found to cope with his inner pain. The bartender placed two small shots of absinth on the counter. Kyle took the first glass and drank it with one gulp. He placed the glass back on the counter, while his face twisted. He hated its fiery taste and the way it burned his throat, but he knew soon the sensation would disappear. He stared at the second glass like if it was challenging him. He took another huff of smoke and drank the second shot as quickly as the first. He groaned because of the unpleasant roughness of the drink, but soon the alcohol would work its wonders. Kyle quickly felt the effects of the absinth mingled with nicotine and smiled as his mind went slow.
"I don't get it, why ya keep doing this to yaself, young man?" The bartender said with an amused smile on his lips. "Ya gonna kill yaself one day, ya know?"
"Ha! Death." Kyle said in a chuckle, his eyes heavy, his voice slurry. The world was spinning around and he was loving it. He could feel the pain fade away and give way to euphoria.
"There are many kinds of deaths, did you know that? You can be alive in this world and yet be dead the whole time. Because there's a difference between existing and living." The redhead said with a slurry eloquent voice, articulating each syllable with great care, because as slow as his mind was, he still was aware of his words and phrasing.
"Tell me, what kind of life is – the one of being stuck in a daily routine, cursed to live every day the previous one? I'm telling you - a monotonous life is a dead life. What's the sense? Everything will start all over again the next day… And for what? Who cares anyway about your promotion and successes? You're just one of those many anonymous faces in this stupid fleeting world! What difference does it truly make? In a 100 years nobody will even remember you! You will just another name in another gravestone. Forgotten to the world. A person who was already dead before dying. Because existing is the illusion of living." Kyle ended his speech with a wide crazed grin on his face and pulled his head back, while closing his eyes. "Ahhh, so close…and yet, not quite like it. God, what I would to have some opium."
"Okay, Kyle. You've had enough for tonight." Kyle bended his head slightly to see who had just spoken to him. His smile grew happy and sincere. "Token! My good friend Token!" He said while he opened his arms to hug his fellow musician, who consented with a patient smile. "Did you know it was him who found me at the park and invited me here?!" The redhead merrily asked the bartender, who smiled back in concern. Kyle's evenings at the Cat's Hat always ended with him leaving the club leaning on Token while laughing at nonsense.
"Come on, Kyle. I'm bringing you home." Token said while he freed himself from the warm hug and helped Kyle so he wouldn't stumble and fall disgracefully. Nichole was already heading to the door and stepped outside to start the car. The bartender shook his head when the door finally closed itself behind the boys. Kyle's laughter could still be heard from outside. The bartender made eye contact with a young man that had been sitting by the counter and had listened to Kyle's crazy monologue with widened eyes.
"So…What's his problem?" The young man asked while he sipped some of his whiskey.
"He's a holocaust survivor." The bartender said in a matter of fact. "Who knows what kind of horrors he lived to have the need of getting himself drunk every evening." The stranger grimaced and drank his glass empty, his eyes never leaving the door Kyle and Token had just walked through.