Warning: AU –Second World War
M-Rated!Contains coarse language, violent imaginary related to the context of war, and sex.
I do not own South Park. I do not own anything. I wish I was that f* genius!
Germany, 26April 1945
We are driving down the road. Further and further. A wave of panic sweeps over me the moment you are out of my sight. Screw the war. Screw the Final Solution. Screw der Führer. All I want is you and just you.
"Did you confirm?" Craig's voice shakes me off my dreadful agony. Suddenly the loud sound of the car's motor annoys me and gives me a headache.
"Yes, yes. Bebe is bringing him there."
Half an hour later we are picking up Clyde and Craig drives us to an isolated barn in Switzerland that belongs to a friend of his. We drove hidden in the dark with the lights out during the travel's last 20 minutes. I thank God almighty for Craig being such a great driver. We leave the car behind us and take the vehicle with a Swiss number plate that is already there for us. There's nobody around. Perfect. We drive to the airport of Zurich. Nobody suspects our fake Swiss passports. We step in a plane with destination to Chile where Clyde's uncle will receive us. Everything is going according to plan.
…
The present, 17 January 1948
After lying a long while wrapped around each other, eyes on eyes, smiles never breaking, words never being spoken, Kyle finally broke the mutual trance and shifted to lay on top of Herr Cartman. The Nazi watched him curiously as the redhead traced his index along the lines of his jawbone with a gentle smile of wonder on his lips.
"Your face changed." Kyle whispered and looked at his lover's eyes. He chuckled as one of Herr Cartman's eyebrows arched, probably wondering what the heck he was talking about. "Your features, they are more defined now. More adultlike." At this the Nazi barked an amused laugher for Kyle's contentment. He had missed that sound so very much.
"So has your face. You look less girly now." Herr Cartman joked, receiving a playful slap on his shoulder from the other young man. "But seriouslah. You look absolutely hot." He added, while he entangled his fingers on Kyle's curls. They had grown into a bushier model, but one that absolutely suited him. For him, Kyle had always been hot, beautifully fascinating in an exquisite and unique manner. He couldn't believe he was the lucky one to win over his heart.
"Stop it, you'll make me blush!" Kyle joked, trying to hide his embarrassment, but red had already reached his cheeks. All at the sudden, his expression grew graver as he looked thoughtfully at the Nazi.
"What?" Herr Cartman asked surprised and worried.
"Tell me what happened. Where have you been all this time?" Kyle asked in an almost begging manner and Herr Cartman sat up somehow concerned, forcing Kyle to shift a bit. He placed his hand on the redhead's cheek and kissed his lips softly, while his free arm enveloped the Jew's small back. He had sensed the sorrow rooted in those words and in Kyle's stained voice. The redhead pressed his forehead on the Nazi's. "Please." His soft whisper, engulfed with gloom and fear, pled to know what had happened to the Nazi during those two and a half years of separation. Herr Cartman looked at Kyle's face, but his eyes were closed, relishing the proximity between them. He wrapped both his arms around Kyle and guided him to sit against him. He pushed the covers up to warm their now cooled naked bodies.
"We managed to get to Zurich's airport and we boarded in a plane to Chile without problems. The fake ID's were perfect." Herr Cartman started and he felt Kyle relax on his arms, his head resting against his shoulder.
The travel is tedious. Exhaustion eventually takes over me. I remember closing my eyes and all I dreamt was the blackness outside. And then, suddenly there is this flash of light followed by a hard loud bang. I wake up to a world of screams of panic and crying of terror. Craig looks like shit and Clyde is crying miserably. The lights are flashing madly, going on and off. The oxygen masks fall down and people scream even harder. A horrible sound of screeching motors fills the air. And, in the mist of this horror, a hostess runs along the aisle screaming the pilots are dead. I never got to discover what the problem was. All I know was that suddenly, Craig gets ups and I instinctively know he's going to give it a try. I follow him and drag Clyde with me. We rush into the pilot's cabin. Craig takes the captain's place, while I take the co-pilot's. Craig may be an asshole, but he does know something about piloting. And miraculously he manages to stabilize the plane just long enough. Because the plane is ripping apart and we all know it will not hold on much longer. I still can hear the screams and crying. I still can feel the deep fall press my whole body mercilessly. I still can smell the intoxicating stench of smoke and burned metal. And listen to the plane tearing apart behind me like a howling monster.
"We had a plane crash." Herr Cartman felt Kyle shift to look at him in shock. "We crashed on soft snow. And we lived. Craig, Clyde and I. There were more people that too survived. Everybody was ecstatic, but the euphoria was short-lived. We soon realized we stood on the top of cold snowy mountains. Craig fussed with what was still over from the plane's navigator and succeeded in finding our location. We were in Peru. In the middle of the Andes. In a remote place, far, far away from civilization."
I can still feel the bitter cold wind cut my skin like invisible blades. And I curse. I didn't escape a war to die in the cold mountains. I promised I'll find Kyle after the end of the war and will keep my promise.
"Most survivors wanted to stay and wait for help. But I wanted to move on and leave that godforsaken place. Because I knew better. Nobody even knew where we were. The storm had detoured us from the route. The the radio was dead. There were no ways of contacting anybody whatsoever. We were condemned to die if we would stay there. So, Craig, Clyde and I left with another two guys. I never heard anything about those who stayed behind." The Nazi sighed and felt Kyle shift again, this time to sit more comfortably against him. And blessed for how wonderfully warm he felt.
We descend the mountains for hours. At a certain point, we find a cave and seek shelter in it. Craig is dying from nerves, so he decides to venture deeper into the cave. Eventually he disappears from our sight, so Clyde and I have no other choice but to follow him. We discover the cave is actually a passage-way and leads us to a jungle. To a really weird jungle. It was nothing like I never saw before. It was like… the «land of the giant lost world» because it was filled with giant fruits (which are delicious, by the way). Suddenly these guinea bee larvae thingies come out of nowhere and attack us. Craig, Clyde and I manage to escape, but those creatures killed the other two guys that accompanied us. Not much of a loss to be honest.
"During our descent, we came across some dangers…" Herr Cartman spoke gently in Kyle's ear.
During our escape, we discover a temple and enter it. Inside of it there are these strange carvings depicting what looks like our escape from Germany and the plane accident in the Andes. Clyde even screams out something about magic, prophecy and doom. One of the images shows these Peruvian flute people keeping murderous guinea pigs within the giant jungle. And then we recognize Craig in the final carving. In spite of the stunning resemblances, Craig refuses to admit it's him, just like he refuses investigating it further. I mean, Clyde and I wanted to explore more of the temple, but that dickhead Craig is just plain boring.
He walks back to the jungle and, again, we don't have any other choice but to follow him. Only God knows what other kind of weird gigantic guinea species are wandering around here!
Again, we walk for ages and only stop when we hear voices. We realize there's some kind of fight, so we choose to hide to peek, before we make our presence clear. There is this guy trying to kill some children while he rambles something about Peruvian flute bands. One of the boys insists that they aren't a Peruvian flute band and then he tells the man that these bands are the only forces which can stop the guinea pigs.
"….Peru is full of weird creatures, bizarre prophecies and crazy people." The Nazi continued in his gentle voice, not wanting to concern Kyle too much with his mad adventures.
In the heat of the confrontation, the man threatening the children shouts something about taking over the world. That's the moment Clyde has enough and shoots the guy in the back to defend the children. But the guy doesn't die. He is still standing, turns to face us and I realize there's not even one drop of blood on him. But the weirdest thing was still to happen. The man starts transforming until he reveals his true form. He's a fucking guinea pirate!
Clyde and I are so shocked we are already pointing our guns to the hideous creature. And then, that asshole Craig simply states out of the blue he wants no part of this and walks away. The fucker simply walks away! I always knew he was not to be trusted, but this is really sick! Anyway, when that douchebag walks away, he accidentally steps on a stone tile, which starts to move like if it's activated by some sort of ancient magic. I have no fucking idea how it happened, but Craig ends up shooting powerful magical lasers from his eyes and paralyzes the guinea pirate. Then all these Peruvian people (I have no idea where they were hiding the whole time, because they simply flooded the place) come chanting happily, lift Craig in the air, declare him their savior and hero and take him away."
"Craig stayed with some strange lost civilization we found in the way. That was the last time I ever saw him. Clyde and I made our way back to the real civilization. But it was not easy…" Herr Cartman continued and sensed the tension built on Kyle's muscles. He decided, the less the redhead knew, the better. There was no need to make him suffer needlessly. "After long weeks, we eventually found a village. The people were really kind and took care of us."
I swear, I never was so glad to see food again! Both Clyde and I had lost weight dramatically, because we depended on the little nature could provide us during our descent from the Andes. I could barely walk when the villagers took us in. I was exhausted, weakened, my limbs, my lungs, my stomach had all kinds of ailments. Clyde too, if not worse. It takes us about three months to recover properly.
Clyde and I weren't exactly surprised to discover the war had ended short after our escape. It's a strange feeling. I don't really know how to put it in words. My dream, the cleansing of Jews from this planet, gone. My idol, Adolf Hitler, der Führer, gone. And yet, these losses don't feel as painful, disappointing or dreadful as I thought they would. Maybe because I was already mentally prepared for the end. Or maybe because these things weren't as important to me as they once were. Because Kyle had become the center of my universe. It was not being able to be with him, not knowing how he was that killed me the most. The uncertainty. I'm sure he survived. But I worry myself to death fearing something might have gone wrong. I sleep badly, having horrible dreams in which Kyle perishes alone and abandoned.
"Clyde and I lived there for quite some months. We created a partnership and founded two companies. I wanted to raise enough money so I could start my quest in finding you. The amusement park «North Funland», was a big success. We sold it when it became daily crowed. With its profits we founded The Old People's Shopping Network. The business was going greatly until there was not enough gold to buy anymore. Clyde and I were forced to track down the source of this problem. Which was in India. Unfortunately, the travel didn't do any good and instead it cost us a fortune. After a series of unfortunate investments, we became bankrupt. I cursed our luck, because a whole year had gone by. We were stuck in India and had to start back from zero."
"May 1946? I was already living in the States by then." Kyle spoke in a half whisper. "I was preparing to send my applications to the Music School here in New York."
I'm desperate. I need to make big money and fast. I feel the clock ticking. Time mocks me. Each passing day is another day I fail Kyle. And I fear greatly. For his patience and for his optimism. For his hope and for his trust in my word. Every day I wake up hoping our distance will not make him forget our time together. Each day I go to sleep hoping he doesn't give up on me. And after surviving five long months in the slums of Bangladesh, haunted by my perpetual worries, past memories and disastrous futures that have not yet passed; I find hope.
"One day, I heard by chance some people talking about pirates in Somalia. And had a great idea. I started a Pirate Club in which I was the captain. Clyde recruited another 4 members and together, we traveled to Somalia."
"Hum….I guess there's not a big difference between being Nazi and pirate." Kyle said in a teasing tone and Herr Cartman chuckled.
"I guess..."
We raid since the very beginning. Our travel, food and other needs are paid with a stolen Charge Card from Western Union. After a long flight and a 49-hour bus ride, we finally arrive in Mogadishu. And are faced with our greatest disappointment. In Somalia, pirates are poor people living in shanty towns with one pub that only serves stale water. All my dreams and hopes were almost crushed with the thought this was simply the extension of India's slums. Almost.
The Somalian pirates were shocked to discover that anyone could knowingly venture into their base like we did. We were immediately considered a threat. And they started their own investigation on us. Unfortunately, I am in the Nazi-hunters list and my identity was quickly revealed. The Somalian pirates succeed in tricking us into joining their ship, with the pretext of bounding with us and creating an alliance with the newcomers. I should have suspected it, because soon I discover they are going to ransom us to the first European vessel they find.
It turns out to be a French military ship. My great luck! The French are of course thirsty for revenge for Germany invading them and want me, dead or alive. I fear for my life, but most of all fear for the moment Kyle reads about my gruesome death in the newspapers. And decide I will not let them have their way with me. The Somalian pirates demand a ransom of five thousand franks in exchange of my life. The ransom is paid. My crew and I surrender. Or better, I pretend to surrender. Because the moment I am on board the French ship, I defeat the French captain in a violent man to man combat and assume the control over the vessel. I become a pirate. I show mercy and order the French crew to get onto the lifeboat. And I know, for the French captain, this humiliation is far worse than death.
We return triumphant to Mogadishu with the captured military ship and the ransom money. We offer several bundles of francs to the Somalian pirates and literally buy important allies. The Somalian pirates have no choice but to respect meh authoritah. And during five months I am the terror of the seven seas.
"…Ever heard about Captain Fatbeard and his Somalian pirates?" Herr Cartman asked Kyle playfully.
"Get out of here! That was you?!" Kyle exclaimed amazed. He had read about Fatbeard's short rule of terror in the Somalian seas, but never in his life had the thought it could be Herr Cartman crossed his mind.
"Yep, but it all ended in March 1947. There was this one Nazi hunter. Simon Wiesenthal*. He found me in Somalia and things got complicated. I was forced to run away alone. I never could really count on that cry-baby Clyde, anyway. I'm pretty sure he was the one who denounced me. Probably in exchange of mercy and forgiveness so he could return to that bitch Bebe. I travelled back to Peru and fled to Mexico with the faint hope of crossing over the border to the United States. I needed to forge a new identity. I wanted to find you."
"But Wiesenthal found you first. At Rio Alsaseca. And then he saw you fall from the 128-feet Big Banana Falls. Nobody can survive such a fall." Kyle spoke with a haunted voice and Herr Cartman felt the chills run down his spine. So Kyle had not only been informed about his supposed death, but also received the details. His stomach sunk while his heart contracted. How horrible it must have been for Kyle. How he must have suffered.
"I had to fake my own death. It was a long shot. I knew it was impossible, but Wiesenthal and other Nazi hunters would never stop chasing me until they thought I was dead. So I jumped in the fall. Nobody is supposed to survive such a fall. But I did."
A/N
*Simon Wiesenthal is a real historical figure. He lived between 1908 and 2005 and was a Jewish Austrian Holocaust survivor who became famous after World War II for his work as a Nazi hunter. After being forced to work as a slave labourer in Nazi concentration camps such as Janowska, Plaszow, and Mauthausen during the war, Wiesenthal dedicated most of his life to tracking down and gathering information on fugitive Nazi war criminals so that they could be brought to trial.