XVIII. Science and Faith
You won't find faith or hope down a telescope
You won't find heart and soul in the stars
You can break everything down to chemicals
But you can't explain a love like ours.
-The Script
The joviality between the guys seemed a tad forced. It was Judy's baby shower day, and of course the men retired to what used to serve as the kids' game room in the Danvers' mansion after the obligatory meet and greet and then finally getting the go-ahead from their wives that it was okay to do their own thing. So Caleb, Chase, Reid, Tyler, Pogue and Hunter sat around the table playing cards with the assortment of drinks and food stuffs to sustain them. Their eyes kept darting to Hunter and then away until finally the telekinetic Shepherd had had enough.
"For Christ's sake it's just a break," Hunter blurted acerbically.
Brows rose all around. Of course they knew Hunter and Gabriel were on this "break," but they weren't really buying the casualness of it. It had occurred a week and a half ago, but no one had found out until five days after. Hunter had confided in Rowan, because no one could keep anything from her for long, and then Rowan had told Reid, finally giving way to a few tears. Pinkie was up in arms. And Hunter was getting sympathetic glances from everyone.
"Sure," Reid said.
"You uh…" Tyler cleared his throat.
"No, I don't want to talk about it," Hunter finished. "There's nothing to talk about."
The guys nodded. Chase was well on the way to being ensconced within the circle and oddly did not feel out of place in this kind of-conversation.
"Because ten years…" Pogue trailed off.
Obviously they felt there was something they should or could say, but being of the male sex, were hard-pressed to come up with an appropriate comment. A conciliatory comment.
"Can we just play cards?" Hunter inquired. At the mention of Gabriel's name or even thinking about him too long made his chest hurt. He was hoping that he'd get a call out of country or even out of the dimension for a long, gritty ops. One filled with demon slaying after a challenging hunt.
"All right," Caleb capitulated.
"Great, no girl talk," Reid said, breaking the ice. "I'm feeling lucky today." His blue eyes peeked at them slyly over his hand of cards.
"You always say that," Chase commented dryly, and the others snorted and chuckled in concurrence. "Oh, yeah, how's school?"
Reid glared at him. He had begun at the beginning of the week, it was a sore topic. "Don't start, Collins."
xx
"I mean, it is a travesty!" Pinkie exclaimed. "An utter travesty!"
He and Rowan were taking plates back to the kitchen, the dam had burst, Pinkie going on again about Hunter and Gabriel's "break." Naturally, when he had found out he'd phoned Rowan, then got Maria on the line, getting more worked up the longer he spoke.
"I know." Rowan was saddened about it too, but determined not to think overly negative thoughts.
"A break," Pinkie scoffed. "A 'break' is a break up!" He sighed. "Why?" He looked at the mess on the kitchen table as if it had just suddenly appeared.
Hunter had been deliberately vague about the reason, just explaining that he and Gabriel weren't agreeing on a lot of things so the latter had decided to stay in New Orleans with his brother for a while. Rowan had not pressed because it was apparent that her closest friend was still putting it all together himself. Gabriel and Hunter had been together for ten years, such a thing wasn't tossed away capriciously. Certainly not for those two.
Maria came in with a bowl of chips. "Hunter?" she surmised by the flush on Pinkie's face.
Pinkie 'hmmphed.'
"Come on," Rowan said.
The baby shower was over and all the guests that remained were family. Judy's parents were upstairs, staying at the Danvers' mansion so they could be there when Judy went into labor instead of being summoned to the hospital at whatever time. The guys were still in the den, likely they would get assigned the remaining clean-up duties.
"I remember when I thought Rowan and Hunter would be married," Evelyn mentioned with a nostalgic smile, getting a chuckle from around the room. Horatio wasn't at this baby shower with her.
"Well, as beautiful a couple as they did make," Pinkie said, "I just…"
Hunter and the guys entered the living room then and they fell quiet. Pinkie sniffed primly, got up, and muttered something about messes in the kitchen. The men stared at their significant others but made no comment.
"How you doing, babe?" Pogue asked Hope.
She rubbed her belly. "We're good." Good and sleepy. Hope could do for a nap.
Soon all guests had departed save for Evelyn who was now sharing a cup of tea with Judy's mother in the living room, the fire crackling in front of them.
"Wesley William Danvers," Patricia Miller said with a slight smile.
"I'm glad they finally chose a name. I believe it's a good one," Evelyn said.
"Mmm-hmm," she nodded.
Evelyn simply could not imagine what it must have been like for Patricia Miller to lose a child the way she had her first born son. And so violently. Evelyn knew what it was like to almost lose a child, she had had to watch Rowan waste away a little each day when she was diagnosed with leukemia at four years old. But her daughter had survived, Evelyn had gotten to see Rowan grow up, marry, become a mother.
"You know," Patricia began quietly, "Norman and me initially had trouble conceiving. Finally we were blessed with Wesley, and then Judy a few short years later." She shook her head softly. "The pain of losing our first born was… There are no words, Evelyn. No words." Quiet, then, "And after Wesley disappeared, it took us a while to realize that we were losing Judy, too. I'm not proud of it, but Norman and I were so wrapped up in our grief that we had scarcely acknowledged what our daughter might be feeling."
Evelyn could relate. After her late husband succumbed to his Power (albeit against his will), she had lost her battle to alcohol, leaving Caleb and Rowan to fend for themselves emotionally. It was a time in her life she was not particularly proud of either.
"So we moved," Patricia went on. "We tried to find that semblance of 'family' again. I admit I held onto Judy tightly, hyper-vigilant of her whereabouts and the people she would be entrusted to at school or friendly get-togethers. I saw her grow into an intelligent, kind, but shy and introverted girl. But she blossomed; she so blossomed that senior year in high school. Caleb brought out that care-free side of her. That bright smile."
"Judy did just the same for Caleb," Evelyn agreed. "I am so glad they found one another."
"I am, too." Her head leaned back against the chair. "And here we are."
"Here we are."
The two women smiled at each other and sipped their tea.
xx
"Hey, sweetheart, how are you feeling?" Caleb walked into the nursery where Judy was evaluating where she could put some of the gifts received earlier.
"Good," she smiled. Judy saw that something was slightly amiss with Caleb. His smile at her was genuine, but it was clear to her that he'd heard a piece of news he didn't like. "What's wrong?"
His brow rose. "It's nothing to worry about it." Actually, there was another vampire killing, so he knew that his sister was in that area because it fell under her Whitelighter jurisdiction. It didn't matter that Rowan was fully grown, married and a mother, he was forever her older brother and did not like his little sister in dangerous situations.
"What is it?" Judy asked again.
After a pause Caleb told her.
She frowned. "Is Hunter with her?"
"Of course," Caleb replied. Somebody damned well better be. He knew Reid liked it as much as he did, which was not at all. So for the moment the second eldest Son tried to put it out of his mind. "Did you have fun?"
Judy broke a smile. "I think the last time I was that much the center of attention was at my bachelorette party and wedding." The only person that was missing had been Millicent. They hadn't spoken since their argument at the restaurant. Many times Judy had thought about calling, but for what? To apologize? She had nothing to apologize for.
"I'm sorry she couldn't be here, Judy," Caleb said.
She gave a rueful shrug. "She probably would have felt out of place and left early."
Caleb out his arms around her and kissed the curve of her neck. "You two will work it out. You've been friends too long to let it all go now."
Judy let herself relax in his arms. "Thank you."
xx
Reid was just putting a sleeping Lucius down when he felt the presence of Rowan return to the house. The animals stayed with the baby while Reid headed downstairs. Seeing his wife in one piece was good, he hated her going out to murder scenes, the only factor that kept him from going completely crazy was that Hunter was always with her. In the room adjacent to the kitchen, Reid helped Rowan divest herself of her winter coat. Her cheeks and nose were rosy and her hair was slightly damp from the melted snow. Hunter looked less affected than the Whitelighter.
"So?" Reid asked.
"Definitely another vampire," Rowan said. "Young. I still haven't gotten a face yet." She said this last statement with some frustration. Her psychometry could be annoyingly selective sometimes. "How's Luke?"
"Sleeping peacefully," the blond replied. Rowan said she was going to see him, leaving the two men alone.
"I better get going," Hunter said.
Reid scrutinized his friend. The Shepherd looked tired, broody. "You should crash here."
"No," Hunter said after a pause of consideration. "I need to get home."
Reid arched a brow. "You torturing yourself?"
Hunter's jade eyes narrowed. "No. I just-"
"Want to stare at the empty space next to you?" Reid finished.
"What does it matter?" he replied edgily. "It'll be empty no matter what bed I'm in." That was probably the rawest comment he'd made about his separation from Gabriel to anyone. He chocked it up to the fact that he was worn out from sleepless nights. And when he did sleep he only dreamed about Gabe.
Reid felt sorry for goading him like that. "Look, I'm-"
"I'm sorry," Hunter interjected. "I'm just tired." He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.
"Yeah," Reid said, taking no umbrage. "Stay, all right? Don't drive in this." He gestured towards the sliding doors showing the beginnings of snowfall.
Hunter pulled a subtle face. He could do just fine driving in the snow, but he was tired… So he capitulated and headed upstairs. Reid made sure the lights were off downstairs, the doors locked, and then headed to the second floor. Rowan was kissing Luke on the forehead when he checked in. They went to their bedroom.
Rowan changed into more comfortable clothes, drawstring pants and a camisole top. She washed her face and brushed her teeth. "I'm worried about him," she said to Reid as she combed out her long hair. "He hasn't talked about the separation at all."
Reid pulled the covers back for her and she snuggled next to him. "They'll work it out," he told her, giving her a kiss on the forehead. "He's a guy, and you know we don't talk about our feelings."
She chuckled lightly. She snapped off the lamp before wrapping herself back in Reid's strong arms. She and Hunter had always been open and honest with each other. Discomfort was nonexistent between them. But he'd always been prone to silences, and sooner or later he did finally confide in Rowan. So she would wait patiently until he was ready to let it all off his shoulders.
"Well, Pinkie is getting more antsy by the day," Rowan said. "I don't know how much longer he can go without demanding an explanation."
Reid laughed.
xx
When Hunter left the bathroom and went back to his room, he found Bruce Lee curled in a ball on the pillow next to his. At this, the Shepherd half-smiled.
"Keeping me company, huh?" When he got into bed Bruce Lee relocated to his chest. "All right, but I don't want to wake up with your ass in my face, got it?"
Bruce Lee dooked in what Hunter took for agreement. The wind started to pick up outside and Hunter listened to that and Bruce Lee's even breathing as he let his mind wander. He wondered what Gabriel was doing now. Thinking about him? Their parting had been solemn, surprising. Gabriel wanted something that Hunter wasn't sure he wanted too.
Kids. They'd have to adopt or find a surrogate, Gabriel had said. He'd already done tons of research on it. Hunter had listened patiently while his boyfriend had explained each process. But it all came down to the fact that their children might not accept the fact that they belonged in a paranormal family. If they adopted, they would have to tell the kid someday, and what if he or she didn't like it? What if his son or daughter looked at him the same way Hunter's mother sometimes looked at him? A little afraid sometimes, sad that he couldn't be like normal kids.
Hunter didn't think he could take it if a child he came to love held that same expression on his face. He never really spoke to his mother about his power anymore. She knew what he did for a living, the same work his father had done before he died. So Lorena never asked how his work was, she avoided it as much as possible. His step-father thought he worked for elite private security. They'd been in Switzerland for the passed five months and Hunter got periodic phone calls from his mother who would be home next week.
Anger that his mother had kept his father's family away from him for so long had tapered off years ago. But he felt that it had destroyed any trust he could ever have in her forever. Lorena tried, Hunter knew, but little remnants of resentment still curdled when she tried to get close to him. When she didn't acknowledge his power, he took it as more rebuff against him and who he was. Sometimes being around her made him feel like a little boy again, wanting his mother's utter love and approval. For her to be proud of who he was, that his power wasn't an onus, but a gift. A gift he had done good with.
He sighed now. He really was tired.
xx
Reid frowned at his school books before heading downstairs, following the aroma of Rowan's breakfast makings. Hunter was sitting at the table making faces at Luke, the baby's hands clasped around Hunter's finger.
"Little guy's strong," Hunter commented.
"Of course, he's mine," Reid said with a smirk. He came up behind Rowan at the stove and wrapped his arms around her waist. He simultaneously kissed her nape, nuzzled and inhaled at the same time.
"How many?" she asked.
"A whole stack. I'm starving." He gave her another peck before pouring himself a cup of coffee and joining son and friend at the table.
"Someone slept good," Reid said to Luke, ruffling his soft hair. "Not a peep all night."
Luke's lips spread in a gummy smile at his dad. Hunter handed him over and Reid accepted his offspring with kisses.
"Don't you have school today?" Hunter asked.
Reid frowned and grumbled a 'yeah.'
"You're doing great, Reid," Rowan said, setting a plate in front of both him and Hunter. "It's your first week. It'll get better."
"And I already have a shi-" he paused, remembering Luke, "I mean a ton of homework." He put the baby in his high chair so he could eat. Lucius suddenly squealed when all three animals scurried into the room through their doggy door, snow melting on their fur.
Rowan got a towel and dried them off. "Go get warm you three." At their human's command they went and cuddled up in front of the fireplace.
They ate breakfast, and begrudgingly Reid readied for school with the attitude of one being led to the gallows. At the door Rowan handed him a brown bag bulging with his lunch.
"Drive safely," she said.
He was still frowning but the kiss she gave him perked him up a bit.
A minute later Rowan was joining Hunter on the couch. He was on his third cup of coffee. He'd put Lucius on the floor in his comfy chair, and the baby was being occupied by the animals who were lavishing attention upon him. Rowan curled her feet under her and rested her head on Hunter's firm shoulder. She looked up at him.
"Well?" she said.
He sighed a little and began to talk, finally letting out his and Gabriel's troubles that had led to their present separation. She listened with her innate compassion and attention, hurting for them both.
"Oh, Hunter," she said when he was finished. Over the years he'd often vented his resentment of his mother to her, the bitterness that he'd missed out on his father's side of the family for the first eleven years of his life. Certainly the edge had worn off, but it was still there. Rowan always encouraged Hunter to speak to his mom about it, but he never did. Now, "Did you tell Gabriel any of this? You know he would understand."
He shook his head. "I wouldn't even know how to start."
"You could write it down first," she suggested. "Either way you cannot let this come between you two." Rowan lifted her head. "You would make a wonderful father, and your children would adore you. I think if you tell Gabriel this you could work it out. You love each other too much."
Hunter sipped his coffee. "Yeah." He missed Gabe like crazy. Just crazy.
xx
"Shouldn't you be in bed?" Hope asked her brother Justice.
The vampire chuckled on the other line. "I just got in a few hours ago, give me a break."
"Ooh, and what were you doing out so late…or early, rather?" Hope separated a piece of pancake with her fork and chewed. "Hmm?"
Pogue cocked a brow, hearing one side of the conversation. He joined her at the table, his parents were at work. He would be heading off soon, too. Pogue wasn't comfortable leaving Hope alone, just in case she needed something, which was why he was dropping her off at Judy's later.
"It's nothing like that, sis," Justice replied. It was a lot more complicated. More dead bodies with vampire bites indicating a less than natural death. Trying to hide it from the authorities. If anything they might come up with some occult ritual slayings, blasting it on front-page headlines.
"Then what?" she asked casually. She put some more syrup on her pancakes. There was a beat of silence on the other line that distracted Hope from her breakfast. "Jus?"
"It's nothing, Hope, really," he assured her. "Don't worry about it."
"Well, are you all right?" she pressed.
"I'm fine, promise."
Hope pursed her lips. "Really promise?"
He 'hmmphed.' "I really promise."
They clicked off a minute later. Hope chewed ponderously in quiet not seeing that her husband was staring at her curiously.
"Everything all right?" he finally ventured.
"He says so," she replied dubiously. "Do you think it's more vampire business?"
He shrugged a shoulder. "Maybe." Pogue was hesitant to discuss any unpleasant business with her. Caleb had told him about suspicious killings that Rowan and Hunter had to investigate. Caleb didn't like it; Pogue didn't like it, but like the latter Pogue was glad that Hunter was with Rowan.
xx
Hunter burped Lucius until the baby finally drifted off into slumberland. The little being was so soft and warm in his arms that it made Hunter's heart thud affectionately. Is this what Gabriel wanted to feel, he wondered? Or what he did feel when he held his nephews, Rafael and Uriel, or saw his twin Michael scoop them up as his kids ran to him with cries of 'papa' and 'daddy.'
It wasn't that he didn't want it, he was just…afraid to have it. Had his mother, Lorena, felt this overwhelming love and affection when she'd held him? Or had it stopped once his telekinetic abilities manifested? What had she felt then?
"Sleeping?" Rowan came in the nursery quietly.
He nodded. "Mind if I put him down?" She smiled and Hunter gave him a soft kiss on the forehead and carefully laid him in his crib.
"Kind of makes me want one of my own, I admit," he told her quietly.
Rowan came up beside him and put an arm around his waist. "You could."
He swallowed a lump in his throat. "I was thinking… I was wondering why my mom couldn't just…love me."
She hurt for him, these chaotic, confused feelings that Hunter always had in concern with his mother's attitude towards his gifts. It was something he'd never really been able to work out inside him, and had never wanted to venture into with his mother. Rowan believed that Lorena loved Hunter whole-heartedly, but was just afraid for him.
Before she could reply, Hunter's phone vibrated in his pocket. The caller ID indicated it was his mother. He went downstairs to the sitting room. "Hey, Mom."
"Hi, sweetheart!" she greeted. "I just wanted to say good morning."
"Isn't it evening there?"
"Or that," she said. The slight chuckle in her voice seemed strained. Then there was a beat of silence.
"Anything going on?" Hunter forced himself to ask.
"Oh, no," she replied.
He wondered why she was calling him then, but didn't ask. Odd that when he was thinking about her so much that she would pop up on the phone.
"Mom?" he asked.
"Yes, honey?"
It took a moment to speak, "I think… I think we need to talk when you get back. Really talk."
Quiet, then she said softly, "I know. I think we do, sweetheart. I've been wanting to for so long." She sniffed. "The day I get back, okay?"
He nodded. "Okay."
"I love you, honey," she said. Lorena hadn't expected her son to reply with the same words, for years it was rare. So when he said, "I love you, too, Mom," she gasped slightly in surprise and relief.
"You have no idea how glad I am to hear that from you," she whispered.
A truncated laugh came from his voice. "Yeah, well. Call me when you get in, all right?"
"I will," she returned, rejuvenated by this small talk. "I will."
I know it's been AGES since I've updated, work has been keeping me busy, and I admit I lost a bit of momentum with the story. I wasn't sure if anyone was even reading it or anything. Anywho, I hope you've enjoyed, I'll try to update more often.
Feedback is always nice. :)