Regina isn't certain when she finally fell asleep. The last thing she remembers it had been well past 1 am and she had been running her fingers mindlessly through Robin's hair while he slept peacefully, a small smile on his lips and his arms still wrapped around Regina's waist.
When she wakes there's a scream dying in her throat and memories pressing in on her. She feels a weight on her chest and a leg thrown over her own, and it is suffocating. She pushes and kicks against the body on top of hers. Her dreams chase her, Leopold, the weight of him, the sound of his moans ringing in her ear. She kicks and kicks at the leg flung across her and pushes against the arms, and it isn't until Robin is wide awake and whispering words she can hardly make sense of, that Regina finally realizes that the body on top of hers hadn't been Leopold.
Regina stares at Robin. She's blinking and blinking and trying to remind herself of where she is and who she's in bed with. Robin's voice becomes more clear to Regina; he's saying her name, telling her it's ok, that she's safe. Robin. Just Robin. And she is safe. His hand reaches out slowly and carefully so that he does't startle her, a gentle yet firm hand on her shoulder.
Suddenly Regina is perfectly aware of where she is and who's she's with. And it's too much. Far, far too much for him to see her like this. Without a word she climbs from the bed and walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and pressing her back up against it and breathing and breathing until her heart rate finally beings to slow.
Robin saw her like this, terrified and shaking - she thinks she might still be shaking, but she can't stop. It's been so long since she's dreamt of Leopold. Though Regina's dreams aren't peaceful, these vivid images of a husband she had never wanted on top of her haven't plagued her in years. She doesn't know what set it off tonight - whether it was simply the feel of another person's weight on top of her or something else, she doesn't know. But she knows that Robin had seen something that she never wanted him to see.
Regina bends over the sink, lets the water run and run, and she doesn't know how long she stands there. But by the time she leaves the bathroom she has managed to school her face back to a calm mask, and she feels finally able to deny any distress at all if Robin asks - when he asks - she knows he will.
She finds him sitting on the edge of the bed and he greets her with a smile, just a normal smile, and though she searches his face for pity, she finds nothing different in his expression from the one he normally wears when looking at her. "It's nearly dawn," Robin says, and these are far from the words Regina had been expecting. "Shall we make tea and watch the sun rise?"
Regina nods and leads the way from her bedroom down the stairs. Robin is beside her, so close, but not pushing, not asking. "Thank you," Regina tells him, because she doesn't know how to put into words that this is what she needs - his steady presence next to her - not overbearing but there.
Robin gives Regina a moment when they reach the kitchen, and he sets to busying himself making tea. When he finishes setting the kettle on the stove and placing tea bags into mugs, he turns and looks at Regina. She's leaning against the kitchen island watching him, and he walks to her and wraps an arm around her shoulders loosely, but then she welcomes the touch and moves closer, so he pulls his arm slightly tighter, pressing her body against his side.
Regina doesn't say anything, but she stays in Robin's arms, and so he thinks this must be what she wants, this closeness with him. He leans down and presses his forehead gently against hers, their faces inches apart, and she closes her eyes and breathes deeply.
He thinks of Marian - of her nightmares when he had rescued her before she was forced to marry the Sheriff of Nottingham, of the way she had melted against Robin and told him each detail of her dreams, the way sharing her fears with him had chased the shadows from her dreams - and he immediately feels guilty. Because Regina is in his arms, and he's thinking of Marian. And then, he feels so very guilty for being here and loving Regina when his wife is alive and frightened and stuck in a new land and a new time.
Robin shakes his head as if the action will clear his thoughts. It doesn't. The guilt lingers, and he wonders whether it will ever fully subside. He thinks that perhaps he doesn't deserve to be without guilt after leaving Marian.
But then Robin feels Regina suck in a shuddering breath and his thoughts focus on her once more and he pushes the guilt away. Regina is so different from Marian, slower to share her fears and vulnerabilities. Marian had been an open book, so innocent and young, and grateful to the man who saved her. But Robin knows that Regina struggles every time she shares more of herself with him; he knows what an incredible act of faith and trust it is for her. He knows that Regina would chide him for this, but it makes Robin feel incredibly protective of her. He looks down at Regina's face pressed against his chest, and he loves her so much for her strength in trying to let herself accept comfort even after she has been hurt time and time again.
Regina's hand snakes its way under Robin's t-shirt and she rests on the bare skin above his waist. She seems to just be soaking in his warmth and his presence, and he wraps both arms around her now and she presses closer. Tears fill Robin's eyes, and he knows that she trusts him and loves him, and even if she's afraid and she can't tell him these things, he knows, because Regina is here pressed against him after that dream.
He can guess at what the dream had been about, but it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that it had shaken Regina, and she had pulled away at first, but she's come back to Robin, and she's taking comfort in him.
They stay like that until the kettle whistles and Regina pulls out of Robin's arms. She pours their tea and adds the four teaspoons of sugar that Robin likes (he will always smile at how Regina still scrunches up her nose in disgust at the idea of tea that sweet). She carries their cups and Robin picks up the picnic blanket that he had left by Regina'a back door weeks ago and they walk outside. The first hints of color are at the horizon and birds are chirping, and as Robin sets the blanket down on the grass Regina is smiling at him. He thinks that he could spend every morning like this.
"Can I ask you something?" Regina asks, sitting beside Robin and handing him his tea.
"Anything."
"I just don't understand why you're here," Regina says, looking down into her mug. "Your wife is alive."
"I won't lie to you and say this is easy. I loved Marian so much and losing her was the worst pain I have ever felt." Regina looks at Robin, opens her mouth to speak, but he cuts her off and continues. "I was a different man before Marian passed, and back then there was this incredible connection between us. Losing Marian and raising Roland have changed me in so many ways, and it's been clear to me that since her return that Marian kept searching in vain for the man she once had that connection with. I felt the same way. Even though she is the same woman I was married to, I simply don't feel the same way I once did."
"And you don't wish to try to find what you two once had again?"
"No I don't. And believe me I hate myself for that, because sometimes I think that I should try, even if it makes me unhappy."
Regina finally looks at Robin, and her eyes are shining but he can't quite make out what she's thinking.
"I don't know what I would have done if Marian had come back before I met you. Perhaps I would have tried harder or maybe I would't be the person I am today and things would be different."
"I'm sorry," Regina tells Robin. She wonders how many ways she can ruin her soulmate's life.
"Never be sorry for bringing light to my life. Being with you is my choice, and I take responsibility for the consequences of that decision." Robin looks at Regina, and she still looks so pained and unsure. He presses his palm to her cheek. "This is not something that I will change my mind about nor that I will regret. I want to be with you Regina."
Regina's lips are pressed to Robin an instant later and her arms are around him. He understands that she still doesn't believe him or trust that she could ever be good enough, and that kissing him is all she can do to respond now. So he answers her in kind, with the softest and gentlest of kisses, with his hands caressing her scalp and her cheeks. He tries to pour all the love he has for her into each touch, because she has to know. Somehow he must make her believe that she has his love.
"You deserve to have someone to hold you after your nightmares," Robin tells Regina, their faces still pressed so close to each other than he can feel her breath against him. She stiffens at this, but he continues. "You deserve to finally have someone that treasures you." He grins at her and presses a kiss to the tip of her nose. "Which I happen to."
Regina wants to tell Robin that she feels the same, but the words feel stuck in her throat. So she kisses him and holds him and hopes that he knows that she will never hurt him, that she will try with everything she has to take care of him like he deserves. No, the words don't come, but Regina knows. For the first time, she admits it to herself. She loves Robin.