Usual disclaimer applies.
March, 2012
~43~
"Did you give Edward GHB at Jessica's party?"
Jasper's eyes widen, and his mouth opens slightly. His eyes look between mine, trying to understand why I am asking this, why I know this. I stare back, attempting to maintain my resolve. After a few endless moments, Jasper squeezes his eyes closed and, nodding slightly, he lets his head fall to rest on the steering wheel.
"I just, I wanted him to feel good. I wanted to make him feel something." Jasper's words are muffled from the steering wheel and I can barely hear him out.
And I don't understand. At all.
Jasper turns his head to face me, now resting his cheek against the wheel. He looks utterly drained, with dark circles under his eyes, wayward hair, and pale skin. And I wonder what could be causing him so much grief, so much anguish.
"Bella," he continues. "You don't understand. After you two broke up, it's like Edward was dead inside. He didn't want to do anything. Not eat. Not sleep. And it was like that all summer. Then school started and it was worse when he had to see you and, I don't know, I thought maybe if he could have some fun, he might remember what it was like, you know? I didn't think it would hurt…"
None of this makes any sense. Jasper is just describing what my summer was like, not Edward's. It was Edward's decision to break up, not mine. He didn't want me anymore, he wanted nothing to do with me. What Jasper is saying simply cannot be true.
And suddenly, an overwhelming anger towards Edward wells up inside me, bubbling to the surface, and I lash out at Jasper. "Edward broke up with me! Not the other fucking way around. Why the hell would he have been acting like that?"
And although I am yelling in the small confines of the car, the sound reverberating around us, Jasper simply stares at me for a moment before continuing his train of thought.
"But then, shit, after that fucking party, God. I have never seen anyone so hysterical, so depressed. I was at a loss. I didn't know whether to tell anyone, to get him some help. Fuck. It was bad, so bad. And suddenly, like the switch of a light, Edward began acting normal again, well, how he acts now."
And Jasper's eyes are haunted, filled with despair.
"Bella, I swear it's worse. Like he's a zombie, like no one is there inside the guy desperately trying to be normal. It…it scares me. Shit, the last time he 'woke up' you could say was that day Maria and Jessica hurt you. Although I was afraid he was going to beat the shit out of me, I was so thrilled. Finally, there was some emotion in him, some feeling.
"And now that I know you were hurt that night, because of the fucking drugs I had, I had, I feel even worse. Even worse than this entire year knowing that whatever happened at Jessica's to Edward, my fault because I drugged him, had made him so much worse."
Jasper turns his head back into the wheel.
"No wonder Alice left me, left the fucking country. I'm toxic. I'm cancer."