Kim dragged a tired Jeannie into the fifth dress shop of the day. Jeannie had found a dress to wear to the benefit immediately and couldn't understand why her mother was having such a difficult time finding something appropriate to wear.
"I thought the red dress at that last shop looked great on you." Jeannie tried not to sound exasperated, remembering that shopping with her mother was part of the deal for attending the benefit. "You never have this much trouble shopping at home. It's like you care so much what you wear for him?"
"Now that's ridiculous." Kim tried to sound indignant when in fact what Jeannie said was true. Kim was trying to find the perfect dress because of Shane. "All of Salem will be at this benefit and I want to look my best. I haven't seen a lot of these people in years," she offered as an excuse for their long day of shopping. Noticing Jeannie once again deliberately referred to Shane as 'him', Kim added, "And you can start calling Shane Dad, Father or Pop. Any one of those will do."
Jeannie shrugged her shoulders and let out a long sigh. "Fine. But I don't understand why you care so much about Dad. How could you even forgive him?"
"Forgive him?" Kim looked at her questioningly. "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing," Jeannie dismissed her comment, concerned she had said too much. Kim looked suspiciously at her but before she could say anything more, the sales associate appeared with an armful of dresses and whisked Kim off to try them on.
Jeannie settled into a chair by the dressing rooms, thankful for the interruption. She certainly didn't like where her mother's question was heading and Jeannie feared she might say something she preferred to keep secret.
She kept replaying the scene of that awful fight between her mother and Phillip, when Phillip accused Kim of still loving Shane. As bad as that was, it didn't compare to what Jeannie read in the journal she found a few years later. She remembered it like it was yesterday.
It was a rainy California day with nothing to do. Phillip and her mother were still out-of-town, at the end of a two-week cruise and Jeannie really missed them. Andrew was away at tennis camp and the nanny was busy watching one of her soap operas on TV. Jeannie was in her mother's closet trying on shoes, hats and purses like she often did when she really missed Kim. Then she saw it, tucked under the hamper, covered by shoe boxes. Maybe it was the hand-made paper cover that first attracted her, or the tight, neat script that she immediately recognized as her mother's handwriting. After quickly thumbing through the pages, Jeannie realized it was a journal, her mother's private journal. Although Jeannie knew she shouldn't read it, it was too tempting to skip especially with the fight still a vivid memory.
There on the very first page were the words that shook Jeannie's world. Kim had written: Why can't Shane accept and love Jeannie as his own child like he had done with Andrew.
Jeannie remembered the horror she felt reading this. Shane wasn't her father? He hadn't loved her? Shocked by this revelation, Jeannie had to read more. She didn't understand all the ramblings about a man named Cal but further in the journal, Jeannie did confirm that Shane indeed was her father, and Andrew's, too.
Reading it over and over, all Jeannie could understand was her father always loved and accepted Andrew but at one time did not love her, doubted she was his daughter and didn't accept her as his own. She was convinced that she was the reason for her parent's divorce.
Crushed as any twelve-year-old would be, Jeannie returned the journal to its hiding place and never mentioned what she had read to her mother. She thought of telling Andrew but knew he idolized Shane, and Jeannie didn't want to affect that. Instead she retreated from Shane, talking to him less often on the phone, and feeling relieved when he cancelled visits. Kim was too preoccupied trying to save her marriage to notice the change. Soon this secret Jeannie held clouded her relationship with Shane, smothering it with darkness, like heavy drapes that prevented any light from shining in.
"Hey, you look a million miles away." Kim startled Jeannie out of her reverie.
Jeannie looked up and said, "Did you find something to wear?"
"Yes I did," Kim said holding up a dress bag. "So our day of shopping is officially over. But I'd like to continue our talk."
Jeannie cut her mother off, hoping to dodge further questions with reassurances. "Mom, ignore what I said. I know you two are friends and that's good. You and Dad should be friends." Jeannie emphasized 'Dad", hoping that would deter Kim from asking any more questions. "I've been difficult but I'll try harder. I promise." Jeannie was determined not to talk about it and would do anything, even be nice to Shane, to avoid further questions.
Kim smiled, certain Jeannie was hiding something but for the time accepted her assurances. "Okay, sounds good. Let's head home."