Dirty Little Secrets - XXXII
'If I had the chance now
You know I would not hesitate
To tell you all the things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late…'
- Dirty Little Secret By Sarah McLachlan
One week later…
Time had never passed at such an impossibly slow rate. When Buffy considered it logically, three minutes was barely a drop in the ocean, and yet as she waited for Angel's stopwatch to oblige her she felt as though years stretched ahead.
The empty test box lay on the top of the bathroom counter, now used content resting facedown a few inches to the left, taunting Buffy mercilessly with its mere presence. Buffy looked anywhere but at the object of her curiosity. She forced her gaze to wander, deliberately picking out flaws in the paintwork of the bathroom just to occupy her mind.
Unconsciously, her fingers formed a tangled knot close by her heart and Buffy began to bounce on the balls of her feet as anticipation got the better of her. Finally, the stopwatch began to bleep and Buffy approached the counter with trepidation. Her hand reached out towards the little white stick that had the power to change her world in the most amazing and yet frightening capacity. Buffy hesitated, a moment of weakness on the part of her subconscious, who sought to convince her that another week of ignorance would not really be that bad. Buffy shrugged off the unbidden thoughts and reached for the test stick with renewed determination. She affixed a smile upon her face and flipped the stick over in one fluid movement.
Buffy's smile faded, her lips tugged downward at the corners as a sense of disappointment flooded her being for the fourth morning that week. Negative. The test was negative. Like the last four tests before it that Buffy had struggled to convince herself were somehow defective or simply used incorrectly. Grunting in frustration, Buffy flung the stick into the waste paper basket and set about washing her hands with more vigour than was quite necessary. She was probably just testing too early, she reminded herself, but the string of negative tests coupled with her surprising lack of symptoms had begun to make Buffy wonder about the accuracy of Giles' prophecy.
A soft knock resounded on the bathroom door and Buffy knew with a sinking heart that Angel was awaiting an answer. Since the couple had fully digested the news of Buffy's pregnancy, their excitement for the new life they had created against the most impossible odds had grown daily. Buffy found herself surprisingly more and more eager to taste motherhood.
"Buffy?" Angel called, his tone questioning. Buffy sighed, splashed a little water on her cheeks, and moved to unlock the door. She gazed up into Angel's expectant face and sadly shook her head. Her heart dipped as Angel visibly sagged a little. His smile never once wavered but it was evident to Buffy that it was more for her benefit than to truly express any feelings of his own.
"We're probably just testing too early," Angel soothed, gathering Buffy into his arms and embracing her. She sighed once again and rested her cheek against Angel's bare skin, closing her eyes as she listened to his heart flutter. It was a sound she felt sure she would never tire of, yet it had undeniably come at a price. Buffy pushed the thought aside, deciding for the moment to concentrate on one disaster at a time.
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Buffy relented with a small smile, provided mainly to convince Angel that she was indeed fine. In reality, Buffy was anything but. She could not understand why Giles had presented news of the prophecy to her with such conviction if it may indeed fail to come to pass.
"We can try again in a few days," Angel suggested, "and then I'm sure the result will be positive."
Buffy nodded, chuckling as she responded wryly, "For someone who wasn't sure a few days ago if she was ready to be a Mommy or not, I'm doing a great job of not being disappointed."
Angel ran his fingers through to the ends of Buffy's hair and grinned.
"In a few days you'll be wondering what you were ever worrying about, I promise," he whispered, his lips brushing Buffy's earlobe causing her to shudder involuntarily at the sensation.
Buffy smiled, this time a genuine gesture that illuminated her features, and snaked her arms around Angel's neck. She giggled as he suddenly seized her around the waist and with a growl began to stride purposefully towards their bed, lifting her feet clear off the ground. The hungry gleam in his eyes made his intent more than evident. Buffy sank back against the pillows with a sigh of contentment as she allowed the feel of her lover's body against her own to soothe away her fears.
x-x-x
Dawn knew that she really aught not to be cutting during her first full week back at Sunnydale High, but suddenly so many once important things seemed to lack purpose. She abandoned her books in her locker and, as the bell signalling the end of the lunch period resounded through the corridors, Dawn fled towards the school gates. She made her escape unnoticed and headed straight to the centre of town.
She had briefly toyed with the idea of dropping by at Spike's crypt but had decided against that course of action in favour of catching an afternoon movie. She wasn't entirely certain that she trusted Spike not to lecture her about ditching, given his relatively new capacity as her love interest. Despite her bleak mood, Dawn giggled at the thought. She had managed thus far to keep her relationship with Spike secret from the rest of the gang. She had been extremely surprised that Giles had not ratted them out immediately upon Buffy's return but she was more than grateful for his silence. She assumed that Giles simply refused to be the bearer of such news, perhaps even fearful that Buffy may rather characteristically opt to shoot the proverbial messenger. Dawn was not in anyway naïve enough to believe that she would be able to hide it from Buffy indefinitely. However, she was still deliberating upon the more intricate details of informing her sister that she had in fact been sleeping with her un-dead ex boyfriend. It certainly sounded in Dawn's own mind like Jerry Springer material; a thought that caused her to shudder violently since she considered herself allergic to trailer trash.
Dawn fully anticipated that Buffy would be angry, scornful and disgusted with her choice, but she was well equipped to deal with all of the above. It was more the cavernous expanse that she felt sure the relationship would create between the once inseparable sisters that Dawn feared. She knew beyond all doubt that the apparently impending baby would do little to bond she and Buffy together either. Dawn shook her head as though the action may disperse her gloomy thoughts and turned onto the next block where Sunnydale cinema loomed.
Pulling the elastic band from her ponytail and shaking her hair free from its constraints in order to make herself appear older, Dawn queued at the entrance of the movie theatre. She fluttered her eyelashes shamefully at the boy working the ticket desk as she handed him her money, and was pleased when she received the ticket to the R rated movie she desired in return. Smirking, Dawn breezed past the food kiosk towards the theatre doorway, slyly slipping a handful of candy bars into the pocket of her jeans as she passed by. She realised all too well that soon she would be forced to face the music with Buffy, but for the moment at least she intended to have a good time.
x-x-x
Buffy was kneeling in front of the coffee table pouring over the 'help wanted' section of the local newspaper when Willow pushed open the front door. Buffy had decided against resuming her old job as guidance counsellor at Sunnydale High given the amount of time she anticipated having to pour into controlling the various nasties that flocked to the Hellmouth. Buffy wanted a job with flexible hours to allow for slaying and also impending motherhood, as well as something that required very little brain power to actually carry out. Much to Buffy's disgust, The Doublemeat Palace was looking to be an increasingly likely candidate. Buffy folded the newspaper in half and flung it across the table, glancing up as Willow bounced into the sitting room. In her hands, she carried a selection of shopping bags from which Buffy could see a variety of items peeking over the top.
"Have fun?" Buffy inquired, sitting cross legged on the carpet and awarding Willow her full attention. Willow nodded emphatically, her eyes sparkling as she set the bags down on the couch and prepared to exhibit the spoils to Buffy.
"I managed to sign up for Psychology again," Willow explained, a smile spreading across her face as she continued, "classes start in two weeks once they have all the staff back and so I thought now was the perfect time to shop for my new college wardrobe. Everything is super cheap at the moment. There's like a fifty percent sale in every store."
"One of the perks of a regurgitated Hellmouth, I guess," Buffy replied with a shrug, "store owners have to entice customers back somehow."
Willow nodded again and began foraging through the bags. Buffy giggled, finding her friend's enthusiasm hopelessly infectious. Willow emerged seconds later with a silky olive green scarf that she promptly snaked around her neck with the broadest of grins. Buffy smiled and nodded her approval, noting how the particular shade of green complimented Willow's copper coloured mane.
"Three dollars," Willow exclaimed proudly as she disappeared up to her elbows into the next bag. "Jeans at twenty dollars, three sweaters, the most amazing trashy red heels… trashy in the good way and not the skanky…"
Willow abruptly trailed off as she glanced towards her friend, who appeared to be lost within her own thoughts and was clearly not paying any attention to Willow's victories.
"Buffy?" Willow prompted, one eyebrow arched in questioning. Buffy started a little at the sound of her name before turning to affix Willow with an unconvincing smile.
"Sorry Will, I was just…" Buffy grinned sheepishly and waved her hand at Willow to signal that she should continue. Willow sank onto the couch and regarded Buffy.
"Another negative?" she guessed, her expression soft and sympathetic. Buffy nodded in response, not trusting herself to control the tears she felt welling in her eyes should she choose to speak.
"Oh," Willow said simply, her own expression crestfallen. Her brow furrowed momentarily and then she suddenly brightened. "Maybe you're just testing too early."
"That's what Angel said," Buffy replied, clearly unconvinced. Willow sighed, hating that she was for the moment powerless to set her friend's mind at ease. She paused in contemplation for a few seconds and then turned to a powder blue bag that rested on the floor by her calf.
"I got you something," she said, the dimples in her cheeks emerging as her smile widened. Buffy groaned loudly and shook her head.
"Please, I can't pee on another stick for at least three days without losing my mind," Buffy said, raking her hands through her hair in frustration. Willow vehemently shook her head and instead held out a small package wrapped in white tissue paper to her friend. Reluctantly, Buffy accepted the gift and carefully began removing the layer of paper. Inside the parcel was an impossibly tiny pair of lemon yellow booties. Buffy's bottom lip trembled and she felt herself rapidly losing the battle against her tears.
"I figured yellow for a girl or a boy…" Willow explained, her excitement fading suddenly as Buffy covered her face with both hands, allowing the boots to fall into her lap untouched.
"What if Giles was wrong, Will?" Buffy sobbed, burying her face in her friend's shoulder and taking pains not to allow her tears to soak through the prized scarf. "At first I thought… well, I wasn't sure what I wanted… but now Angel and I… we need this, Willow…"
Willow clucked in sympathy and nodded her understanding, rubbing gentle circles on Buffy's back as she dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve. Willow opened her mouth to speak, searching for the correct words of comfort, when the front door opened again.
Dawn breezed into the lounge with her school bag slung over her shoulder, and moved towards the kitchen without bothering to acknowledge Buffy or Willow.
"Hey Buffy, how are you? Had a nice day? How's the job hunt?" Buffy said sardonically, folding her arms across her chest as Dawn rolled her eyes.
"Hi," she said simply, her gaze ticking to the booties in Buffy's lap that she had neglected to hide. Dawn chewed on her bottom lip, her expression neutral, and Buffy hurriedly scooped up the package.
"These are…" Buffy stammered, faltering for an explanation in her panic. She would not be ready to share this news with anyone other than Willow and Angel until she had received at least one positive test result.
"Mine…" Willow interjected, slipping the tissue paper and its contents from Buffy's grasp and depositing it in her bag. "Well, I mean… not mine but… you know… they are mine just not…"
Dawn paled and she inhaled deeply, her eyes never once wandering from Buffy's face. She noted the tear tracks staining her sister's cheeks and almost collapsed with the weight of her guilt. Buffy appeared to be watching her a little too intently and Dawn squirmed in a display of her discomfort.
"I thought we'd order pizza for dinner," Buffy said, glancing at Willow and Dawn in turn in search of their approval. She clambered to her feet and began hurriedly gathering the various magazines that she had scattered across the room through the course of the day.
"Buffy…" Dawn said quietly, her eyes trained on a loose thread in the carpet.
"You can pick the toppings, Dawnie," Buffy continued, breezing through the lounge and pausing unnecessarily to adjust a picture frame, "but if you want anchovies then you'll have to…"
"Buffy…" Dawn repeated, this time her voice tinged with undertones of annoyance.
Buffy continued on oblivious, but Willow now stared agape at Dawn. The bag she had been holding slipped from her grasp and clattered to the floor but Buffy appeared not to notice. Dawn shot Willow a look that demanded her momentary silence.
"… make sure that it's ok with the rest of the guys because I think…"
"Buffy!" Dawn yelled, her hands clenching into fists by her sides. Buffy turned slowly to regard her sister and discovered with surprise that Dawn's expression of guilt matched her own perfectly.
"It's not you," Dawn whispered, her voice cracking under the strain of the words. Buffy blinked in uncertainty.
"What?" she asked, shaking her head a little in confusion.
"The prophecy…" Dawn choked out, tears beginning to descend her cheeks at an alarming rate. "It's not for you. Giles' prophecy wasn't meant for you and Angel."
"What?" Buffy repeated, anger flashing across her features as she realised that Dawn had once again overheard a conversation that was not intended for her ears. "What did you say?"
Dawn stared sadly at her sister; sorrow, regret and the faintest glimmer of sympathy mingled in her eyes. Buffy inhaled sharply.
"Buffy… it's me… I'm pregnant."