Goodbye Baby - XXXIV
'And I who went to sleep as two
Woke up as one now only you remain
You'll close your eyes and travel back
To the time when the light went fading fast
And the words you'll never, never forget, oh no
As you slipped away…'
- Goodbye Baby by Fleetwood Mac
There was a vacancy in her eyes that frightened Angel more than anything he had yet to face in this world. Nothing that either he nor Willow could do or say seemed to shake Buffy from her trance. Thus, she lay curled in a ball in the centre of her bed without even partaking in the release of tears. Angel perched on the mattress beside her, keeping a silent vigil over the statue that his lover had become. He too had remained fixed as time passed, simply stroking Buffy's hair and murmuring unintelligibly as he attempted to coax her back to reality.
Buffy had remained this way since Willow had escorted her back from town several hours earlier. Willow hoped that the memory spell she had cast would erase the clearer details of the scene from the onlookers' minds, and that the destruction to the bar would simply be put down to a drunken brawl that had gotten out of hand. She had faith enough in her own abilities to at least know that nobody within a mile radius of the attack would recall the petite blonde responsible for the devastation.
Willow hovered on the threshold of the doorway clearly tortured by her own uncertainty. She ached to provide some comfort to Buffy, who seemed to have fallen apart before their very eyes, and yet Willow's conscience was prickled by a guilt that prevented her. She wondered if she had done the right thing in helping Dawn, but the thought was dismissed as quickly as it had arrived. Both Willow and Dawn had been clear of Buffy's intentions towards Spike, and neither of them could allow her success for very different reasons indeed. Dawn was frantic at the thought of the vampire's destruction, Willow could only assume due to their relationship and mutual responsibility for the new life growing inside of her. Willow, however, knew the darkness that would surely follow the taking of a life and she refused to allow that darkness to consume her friend as it once had her. Whilst Spike was far from human, he was possessing of a soul, and his repentance of his past sins was as clear as Angel's had once been. Willow knew that despite Buffy's current fury, she would one day hate herself for ending Spike's existence.
"Buffy," Angel murmured, brushing the palm of his hand across the crown of Buffy's head. He sighed as she remained unmoving and unresponsive. His hand dropped to his side and his fingers flexed into fists. The gleam in his eye was murderous and as he pushed himself up from the mattress, apparently resolving at some action. Willow moved to bar the doorway to him.
"Let me pass," Angel growled, his features clouding with a display of anger that may have once caused Willow to falter. However, the woman who possessed powers that could rival any goddess could not be so easily intimidated.
"Not until you tell me where the hell you're going?" Willow demanded, tilting her chin defiantly upwards so that her eyes could successfully meet Angel's.
"To finish what she started," was the snarled response. Willow had been expecting nothing less.
The witch stood her ground and planted her hands firmly on her hips. Her expression was as reproachful as a mother scolding her child for some playground misdemeanour.
"And you think that will help Buffy?" Willow inquired, shaking her head in disbelief at Angel, "you think that will help Dawn?"
"I don't care," Angel snapped, attempting to sidestep Willow, who simply slammed the door closed with a mere flick of her wrist. Angel rounded on the witch as he heard the lock mechanism slide magically into place.
"This isn't your place to be interfering," Angel shouted, his frustration and pain showing clearly in his features for a moment. As quickly as it had slipped, the mask was back in place and Angel glowered down at Willow almost threateningly.
"The hell it isn't," Willow replied, struggling to keep her tone calm and measured for the benefit of Dawn, who slept in the next room, "what will killing Spike possibly achieve, Angel? All you will do is succeed in having Dawn hate you and make the next few months even harder for her than they are already going to be."
"It's Buffy I care about…" Angel challenged, gritting his teeth as he attempted to restrain his anger. The indifference towards Dawn that Angel claimed was obvious fabrication, but for the time being Willow did not bother to dispute it. The truth of the matter was that Angel was too much of a compassionate soul to feel nothing for the girl. Willow knew that he was speaking out of his concern for Buffy and the crippling fear evoked by his inability to rouse her.
"Killing Spike won't help Buffy," Willow answered, folding her arms and shaking her head, "Buffy was just lashing out. It's in her instincts."
"That may be," Angel said, his tone dropping to a dangerous purr, "but he is the one responsible for this mess, and I…"
"Intend to make him pay?" Willow scoffed, her temper beginning to fray as she paused to witness another friend falling victim to the desire for a vengeance that was not theirs to take.
"Yes."
Willow and Angel regarded each other for a moment of pregnant silence. They were almost nose to nose in their confrontation, both breathing heavily and eyeing the other with suspicion.
"Move aside," Angel demanded. Willow did not so much as twitch but the whites of her eyes suddenly became inky, alerting Angel to the fact that she would not stand down without a fight.
"No."
"I will ask you one more time," Angel said quietly, his teeth and jaw clenched. "Move."
Before Willow could respond, they became aware of the sound of stirring from the bed. Both Angel and Willow turned rapidly, forgetting for the moment their quarrel and focusing their attentions upon Buffy.
"Don't," Buffy pleaded, her gaze beseeching. She pulled herself up into a sitting position and hugged her knees into her chest. Buffy's head dropped forward and her hair fell in a thick curtain that obscured her face. Her shoulders began to tremble and in an instant Angel moved to wrap her in his arms.
"Buffy," he breathed, burying his face in her hair and inhaling the strong scent of vanilla that clung to her, "oh God, Buffy, I'm sorry."
Buffy shook her head and wordlessly she pulled herself free from Angel's embrace in order to regard him. She remained unspeaking for a while, smoothing her palm across the plain of Angel's cheek, and then finally she allowed a small smile to grace her lips. The gesture seemed strained yet oddly sincere and Angel found himself unable to do anything other than stare as he struggled to fathom Buffy's mood.
"Don't be," Buffy finally managed, her voice thick with sorrow but strong nonetheless. Angel gazed at his future wife for a few more seconds before his head fell forwards into his cupped hands and he began to sob. His body was wracked by the effort of his sorrow and Willow grew suddenly uncomfortable with bearing witness to such a private moment.
Willow hurriedly waved her hand in the direction of the door and stepped through it into the hallway as it swung open. Buffy smiled gratefully at the retreating figure of her friend before returning her attentions to her lover. She would make her apologies to Willow later, although she knew that forgiveness was already hers; such was the nature of their friendship.
"I'm the one who should be sorry," Buffy whispered, peeling Angel's hands gently away from his face and sighing as she stared into his haunted eyes. "I should never have gone after Spike. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. It just felt like…"
Angel nodded his understanding, signalling that there was no further need for Buffy to continue her explanation. He felt the same. As though, to some degree, they had sustained a loss to their family that had left a gaping void existing within them both. From the moment he had learned of Buffy's 'pregnancy' Angel had been filled with not only the overwhelming joy that comes hand in hand with impending fatherhood, but with the relief of gaining a second chance. Now the opportunity to right his past wrongs had slipped through his fingers and Angel felt that devastation as acutely as the day Connor had been stolen from him. He also now knew with certainty that he could not keep the existence of his son from his future wife for much longer. The thought of regaling Buffy with such a tale brought an uncomfortable lump to Angel's throat that could not be dislodged by merely swallowing.
"What do we do now?" Buffy asked quietly, her gaze falling to the patchwork quilt that lined the bed. She examined every intricate stitch in great detail, not wanting to meet Angel's eyes again and see her pain reflected in them.
"Well," Angel began slowly, encasing Buffy's hand with his own, "I guess we do our best to be there for Dawn. It's not going to be easy for anyone…"
"But I owe it to Mom," Buffy finished, wiping away a renegade tear that trickled down her cheek. Angel nodded and pulled Buffy against his chest, where she settled with her eyes closed.
"We can always try…" Angel whispered, his lips brushing against Buffy's cheek in a tender kiss no sooner than the words escaped his lips. She remained silent, nodding her agreement since speaking proved too painful to bear for the moment.
"We'll be ok my love," Angel promised, beginning to rock Buffy in his arms. There was so much still left to say but the present time was not suitable for more revelations, and so
instead Angel simply repeated his affirmation. "We'll be ok."
x-x-x
The shouts and snarls had eventually hauled Dawn from the semi-conscious state that she had managed to succumb to. She lay in the dark for some time listening to the strained voices and angry words exchanged with a heavy sense of guilt weighing down upon her. She knew that she had made some poor choices and as a consequence those she loved most in the world were suffering. Dawn loathed herself for this and yet she had found her decision an easy one to make despite the further pain she knew it would inflict upon some. In an unconscious but protective gesture, Dawn folded her hands over her stomach as the sound of a door slamming resonated throughout the house.
Staring up at the ceiling, Dawn sighed heavily. She could not begin to contemplate how to fix the mess that she had created, but for the moment she was far too weary to even try. Instead, she clapped her hands over her ears in an attempt to block out the sounds of the confrontation of which she was the cause.
It took Dawn some time to realise when finally the noise subsided. She closed her eyes gratefully as she felt at least some of the tension beginning to ebb from the house. Barely a second later, she registered the presence of a slight weight upon the edge of her mattress and knew without glancing what, or more to the point whom, she would find. For this very reason, Dawn avoided opening her eyes. Instead, she lay mutely in the darkness and attempted to feign slumber.
"I know you're awake, love," Spike said softly, his voice suddenly at Dawn's ear. Her eyes opened in a flash and she turned her face to the left where she found Spike crouched by the side of her bed. Spike reached out and gently stroked his fingertips across Dawn's forehead. She shot him a watery smile in response, not yet trusting herself to speak.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Spike demanded gently, fumbling against the sheets to find Dawn's hand, which she allowed him to clutch somewhat awkwardly to his chest. She sighed, realising that she would not escape without providing Spike with the answers he deserved.
"I was scared," she replied, her voice small and hollow, "I didn't know what to do. I thought about telling you as soon as I found out but… I was just scared you wouldn't… wouldn't…"
Spike raised both eyebrows, frowning suddenly as understanding flooded him.
"Wouldn't want you?"
Dawn nodded, knowing that the vampire would recognise the gesture even in the darkness. She chewed on her bottom lip in a desperate attempt to staunch a further flow of tears and reached across to turn on her bedside lamp.
Orange light invaded every last orifice of the room and finally threw illumination upon Spike's battered and bloodied face. Dawn's hand fluttered to her mouth in horror as her eyes swept the full extent of Spike's injuries. His nose was almost twice its usual size, and his right eye had been rendered purple and swollen shut. A collection of scrapes and cuts littered the rest of his face along with an angry bruise that adorned his collarbone. He appeared to be hunched over a little, one arm snaked across his own abdomen as though it were somehow causing him pain.
"I'm so sorry," Dawn wept, her hands fluttering helplessly in the air as she struggled to refrain from throwing her arms around Spike's neck. With a pained smile, the vampire leaned forwards and gathered Dawn into his arms. She rested her cheek against his chest and inhaled the musty scent that clung to his shirt.
"Don't be," Spike said firmly, "I'd gladly get my arse kicked by the Pink Ranger any day for a piece of news like that."
Dawn drew slowly away from Spike, her gaze sweeping his features in a discerning manner. She observed his wide spread smile and the strange light that seemed to dance behind his eyes. There was a joy unlike any other she had ever witnessed present in his face, and Dawn was overcome by a sudden sense of relief because of it.
"Hey love," Spike cooed as Dawn's chin dropped onto her chest and her hands moved to cover her face, "what's all this then?"
Dawn simply shook her head and inhaled deeply, allowing herself a moment to collect her composure before she spoke.
"How are we going to make this work, Spike?" she demanded, "I'm seventeen and still in high school, and you're a vampire. A baby needs love and stability… and two parents with a pulse."
"Hey, this kid will have all of that," Spike paused, wrinkling his nose as he continued, "well, maybe not that last one… but definitely the first two."
"Is it enough?" Dawn asked softly, her eyes wide and fearful.
"It's more than a lot of kids have," Spike replied, reaching across the space between them to rest his palm on the back of Dawn's neck. Spike leaned forwards and gently drew Dawn towards him so that their foreheads came to rest together.
"I love you, Dawn," he said softly and slowly, "more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I promise I will be there every step of the way for you and the little nugget. Please, don't shut me out. I can do this… if you'll let me."
Dawn sniffled and wiped her eyes with the corner of her quilt before a wavering smile crossed her lips. She nodded once in silent agreement and then hurriedly buried her face in Spike's shoulder before her hormones could betray her again. The vampire's grin grew wide despite the pain the gesture brought to his bruised face. Switching off the bedside light once more he pushed the bed covers aside and climbed in beside Dawn, who immediately settled against her lover's cold body. Together they lay in the comfort of darkness, each lost in their own versions of the future whilst Spike combed his fingertips absently through to the ends of Dawn's hair.
"We'll be ok love," Spike murmured quietly, his eyes shining with the promise of what was to come as he repeated with greater conviction, "we'll be ok."